Astronaut
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"Hey, aren't you Buzz Lightyear? I loved your movie."
~ Oscar Wilde on Astronauts
“I'm a real boy! ”
~ Pinnochio, astronaut
"Astronaut" is made from the two Greek words 'Astro' (meaning Space) and 'Naut' (meaning Criminal).
An astronaut is generally a homeless panhandler that NASA rockets into space. Prior to astronaut use, monkies were used, but now provide delicious monkey stew to space flight crews. Astronaut selection was implemented to rid urban areas of mentally ill vagabonds in The National Street Sanitation and Space Research Act of 1959. NASA continues to launch street fodder into space, thereby reducing the homeless population tenfold since 1961. Occasionally, astronauts bring back some bitchin' moon rocks and totally awesome science, but only nerds care about that shit.
Historically, astronauts are lazy, useless bastards. Recently, physiological tests performed by NASA scientists revealed that astronauts are commonly alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, mentally retarded, and all-around assholes. This data was derived from space flight data collected over two decades, revealing one common issue amongst astronauts as the inability to restrain themselves sticking their fingers in electrical outlets. Also, astronauts prefer to be addressed with strange nicknames, such as Buzz or Madeline.
Astronauts often subject to prejudice against them, usually by the uneducated although this is not always the case. These prejudices are often based on half-truths, which are perpetuated through popular culture. Examples include; "Astronauts are addicted to tang", "[They] defy gravity in front of our children", "They cannot eat real food and need a blender to eat", and "Their stomachs serve as incubators for an alien fetus" While all of these have been true in separate space missions, it is certainly not true of every astronaut.
Astronauts are sometimes known to wear diapers, and try to kill people with Pepper Spray. This is usually thwarted by Police or Midgets, and is generally not regarded as a problem. If attacked by an Astronaut, one should consider defence by way of a large knife, or Samuel L. Jackson
The Pacific Ocean is the ocean of choice for splashdown of returning astronauts, as opposed to that filthy and stench-filled Atlantic Ocean.
Astronauts, like many other groups, have become sworn enemies of Ninjas. Astronauts fault Ninjas with stealing their "it factor" in 1984. This theft has forever altered the public's perception of astronauts. Once they were known as brash and daring risk-takers. Now they more commonly thought of as diaper-wearing nerds.
