Astronomy
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“We are all looking at the stars, but some of us are in the gutter. Wait, did I get that quote right this time? I never seem to do.”
~ Oscar Wilde on making up quotes about astronomy
“Hurmm... It seems to be missing somewhat about 200 billion galaxies around here. Guess we can live with that.”
~ Astronomer on accuracy
“Whats the point? No one has taken us seriously since Uranus”
~ An astronomer on the downfall of astronomy
Astronomy is the only science happy over its results as long as it is no more than a hundred percent wrong. It has been debunked repeatedly as Pseudoscience by, professionals who studied their field seriously, Astrologers. The lies of Astronomy have been ranked alongside those of Evolution and are no longer taught in school. In reaction, the few remaining Astronomers demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet and other planets to less for revenge against the Astrologists.
Astronomy has been described as the last great religion, but without the need for a god. It begins with the ultimate act of Creation called the Big Bang. Every school kid knows that you can't create something out of nothing (unless you're an accountant), but creating EVERYTHING out of nothing seems to be OK, presumably as long you don't try and fit it through the eye of a needle. But this is all actually wrong, because mass and energy are interchangeable.
Just like Alice in Wonderland, astronomers need a number of impossibilities to make the impossible possible, for example, black holes and dark matter. These both have the useful property of being "undetectable". It's like when your spouse comes home with a dent in the car, and blames it on an invisible black mass; the dent is proof of the black mass, but you can't, and never will be able to, see it with CCTV cameras, yet you know it's there. "Dark matter" is an equally undetectable force that causes cars to defy gravity, and hit invisible black holes. Astronomers will tell you that lots of them have spouses with dents in their cars, and can explain this in very technical terms, so you won't be able to understand why it's not possible.
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[edit] Criticism
It is a vague 'wishy-washy' discipline that attempts to classify celestial bodies into vague categories such as planet, star, quasar, and Oprah based on arbitrary characteristics such as their composition. Astronomers present vague models of the universe, which propose ridiculous ideas, like the notion that the earth is not at the centre of the universe. (William Shatner's ego is. It's huge mass causes everything else to revolve around it.)
Astronomy has been criticised since its inception. One of the first major astronomers, Nick K. Pernikus, published one of the first major astronomical works, Venga Revolution Bus. In addition to outlining his fondness for parties, it laid out the manner in which he believed the universe to function--as a series of turning steel wheels around the sun, rather than the logical sequence of deferents and epicycles already well-understood by astrologers. His book was panned by critics and he was even invited onto the O'Reilly Factor, where he was ridiculed and made to feel extremely bad about writing such a book.
Since then, many other astronomers have tried to build on the ridiculous concepts outlined in the the Venga Revolution Bus, but have failed to gain public support or interest. Most people, including academic professionals, now consider astronomy a pseudo-science at best, and an abode of falsifications at worst.
[edit] Praise
Astronomers are quite powerful though, since they really can move the Earth, just given a fixed point to apply their lever from, and providing it is of sufficient size.
[edit] Don't get confused
Many ignorants and jelly-heads confuse Astronomy with Astrology which is a complex science used to make accurate predictions about people's lives and the future of the planet. Astrologers tend to throw little hissy fits if you accidentally call them astronomers. This wouldn't usually be a problem, as it is quite amusing to watch, but just watch out next time Mars is in Capricorn.
[edit] Telescopes
The favorite tool of astronomy is an item called the telescope. The telescope was built by astronomer Galileo Gay Lily for the purposes of having a penis-shaped instrument nearby at all times. A common misconception is that looking through a telescope allows one to see proof of astronomers’ beliefs. The truth is it actually turns you gay as sunshine.
For safety reasons, avoid astronomers at all costs.
[edit] Astronomical Theory
Astronomers currently believe that the universe is made out of space, which itself is made out of nothing. Within this space, there is the sun, and the planets and Earth orbit around this sun on oval orbits, unsupported by crystalline frames. In this concept, following the heretical opinion of Giordanno Bruno, the stars in the sky are also suns. This stands completely contradictory to established astrological facts, and provides no mechanism by which the universe is supported, or by which people are kept from flying off the Earth.
[edit] Space Travel
Another lie of astronomers is that they have sent objects into space. Obviously, given the crystalline sphere preventing the air around the Earth from dissipating, this would be impossible. At best, they have made high-flying airplanes, or else just lied about all of this. Astrologers know it is impossible to travel above the clouds, unless you are composed of ether.
[edit] Astronomers and Coffee
As the principal diversion of the professional astronomer is to operate a large phallus (telescope) all night long, astronomers are well known for their addiction to coffee. This is especially true for astronomers who use radio telescopes and can observe all day and all night long. Over time the following guidelines have been developed at radio observatories regarding coffee strength:
- West Coast Astronomer: 2 scoops of coffee per pot.
- East Coast Astronomer: 4 scoops of coffee per pot.
- European Astronomer: 6 scoops of coffee per pot.
- Mexican Astronomer: 8 scoops of coffee per pot.
- UMass/FCRAO Astronomer: 10 scoops of coffee per pot.
- Canadian Astronomer: 5 scoops of coffee and 5 shots of whiskey per pot.
There are however exceptions to these guidelines: astronomers at Jodrell Bank drink copious amounts of tea rather than coffee.
