Atheism

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God Hates Atheism!!

This article has been marked "Un-Christian," "atheist," "anarchist" and have blasphemed against the the Jee Man himself. Conservatives and religious zealots should be aware that this page is full of swearing shit and any jackasses who read this article are going to burn in Hell. Luckily, the so called-experts have found a wiki for the right called Conservapedia.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Atheism.

The atheists are perceived as horrifying bullies by most people; or at least they would be if anyone listened to them.

“I'm an atheist.”

~ God.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

~ Darth Vader on atheists

Atheism is a highly secretive religion devoted to private worship of the ultimate, all powerful goddess Athe. The goal of atheists is to destroy society by persuading people to join them in their faith through cunning arguments as to why it's better than anyone else's. Legend has it that Atheists got their powers of persuasion from a four-way deal thousands of years ago between the all powerful goddess Athe, the Ghost of Christmas Past, Xenu, was supposedly left behind by Richard Dawkins, also see: Paradox.

Since Atheists are so obsessed with reason, logic, science and math(s) they call their cunning argument(s) "organized religious algorithms" and model them on a computer before heading for the street. The main technique they use is to walk around a typical busy church shouting “you worthless sinners! I am holier than thou! My beliefs are better than yours! Come to Athe Jesus or die!” Many religious people such as Satan, Kerry King and the Giant Panda like to claim that Atheists don't exist.

Atheists indoctrinate their cats with madness!

[edit] The Atheist Doctrine

Because Athe is regarded as the highest and most advanced being in the universe, communication between Her and Her lowly creations is regarded as a blasphemous concept in Atheism. Atheists believe that to regard oneself as so important that Athe the almighty has time to stop watching TV just to listen your prayers is the ultimate case of egotism. Atheists don’t flatter themselves in that way. As such there are no holy scriptures in Atheism, and prayer, i.e., attempted communication with a superior being, is strictly forbidden. Anyone who dares to indulge in such activity as the perusal of scripture or prayer ceases to be an Atheist or gets slapped with a tuna; repeat offenders are slapped with a swordfish or turkey. Most Atheist converts will most probably read the Dummies' Guide to Atheism (a.k.a. The God Delusion). This is not obligatory though, since that is a very long and boring book designed primarily for 70 year old university professors reading by candlelight.

The lack of scripture or common prayer around which to nucleate a faith leaves Atheism a much less cohesive faith than, say, Christianity, Jainism, Pastafarianism or Islam. As no Atheist Church actually exists and congregations of Atheists are regarded as unholy (owing to the temptation to group prayer) the typical Atheist has little choice but to attack and challenge the beliefs of other religions, by studying and understanding science, then completely ignoring that and going on online forums to start flame wars. Most Atheists will talk more about God than the regular Theist (Theists being the mortal enemy of all Atheists just like Jeff Davis and Abe Lincoln). As such, on meeting an Atheist, the last thing you want to do is mention religion, because it will cause convulsions and Blowjob in the said atheist leading to a monlogue on reasons why your particular deity doesn't exist and why the world would be better if nobody flew planes into buildings. The exception to this rule is people described as atheist by default, or ABD. These are people who happened to be brought up in a non-religious family, and hence were never introduced to one of the non-atheist gods. ABDs make up 99% of the atheist population while an Oxford professor and people who appear on Rod Liddle’s documentaries make up the remaining 1%.

The fact that Athe is herself a divine deity is ignored of course. They might turn red and explode out of fury at just looking at a person carrying a Bible, although this is not a given because a large proportion of atheists are far too conceited to worry about anyone other than themselves. There are reports of Atheists entering Iowa and getting an allergic reaction.

Every atheist will give his or her child at birth an "Athening", which is a ceremony during which a small brain chip is inserted into the child's brain (no particular lobe is necessary, just throw it in there and call it a day) so that the child will learn to love his new atheist brain-chip, and will never question the unchanging authority of human science... which is ever changing. This brain chip will (in most cases) cause the child to become extremely conceited, greedy, rude, condescending, and intolerant of anyone other than fellow atheists. He/She will especially hate Christians, despite the fact that their real enemy is the Muslims.

[edit] The Atheist Misconception

Athe killing God using a nuclear flamethrower.

Owing to their reluctance to explicitly mention any form of deity when discussing their faith, it is perceived by many that Atheism is in fact the lack of a belief in God. In reality Atheists just think that the goddess Athe is too busy helping embryos to develop, pushing the Earth around the sun and keeping all physical constants at the right value to worry about “sins” of individual humans (especially since there's about 6.5 billion humans on Earth right now). For instance if a Christian man stares at the cleavage of a woman on a bus for more than 2 seconds he will flatter himself by believing that god has acknowledged something so trivial and that God really cares about it.

Atheists never pray to their goddess Athe, because they believe that it is cringingly embarrassing for Athe when people are continuously brown-nosing her and kissing her arse in the hope that they can avoid being burned forever in Hell. Most supernatural beings like Thor, Jon Frum, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and even deities like the Invisible Pink Unicorn think it is really funny when Christians brown-nose God.

[edit] Atheist Views on...

[edit] ...Religion

World famous Atheist terrorist Osama Bin Laden reading his favourite book: The God Delusion by Richard Nerdins.

Atheists believe that living in your parent's basement, playing video games, and insulting religious people on internet message boards all day is an excellent and fulfilling lifestyle. Atheists also believe that they are the only ones good enough to be scientists and that any other religion and science are completely incompatible. To get the general public to believe this, they spread the lie that all Christians are conservative republicans who believe literally in the creation story.

[edit] ...Abortion

Unsolved problems in religion: If all atheists support abortions and all Christians are against them, why is the teenage pregnancy rate and number of abortions per population higher in the Red States?^[1]

Atheists believe that the spirit of Athe flows only through their nervous systems. For this reason they say that two week old undeveloped human embryos haven’t yet been blessed by Athe. If a woman has been raped or will die as a result of the birth of a child Atheists believe that it is the will of Athe that the woman must die and so she not be allowed to have an abortion. They only believe abortions are appropriate for people who can’t be bothered buying condoms. Atheists know that anyone who hasn’t used contraception must be a Christian and they allow the person to have an abortion as revenge, hence pissing off the Christians in two ways at once.

[edit] ...Dan Brown

Atheism is painted in a very crude and unpleasant way in the author Dan Brown's novels, in particular the portrayal of the Illuminati, a militant atheist organization which attempts to destroy the Vatican with a plot device. Some of the better known celebrity Illuminati members have spoken out against this portrayal of their society as closed and secretive, stating: "the Illuminati have always been an open and inclusive society dedicated to the destruction of organized religion around the world (fair enough, we're not doing a very good job Allahuh Ackbar!)—visit our website for information on how to join!"

[edit] ...Creation

Thinking Athe would never bother to get her hands dirty by creating the world, most Atheists think it more rational to believe the universe emerged out of nothingness by itself, as opposed to the religious view that the supernatural deity emerged out of nothingness by itself. Atheists are lazy and the improbability of an infinitely complex supernatural deity magically popping up out of nowhere gives them too much to think about; it raises too many questions. Questions like: How can something complex enough to create the vast and unending expanse of the universe come straight out of nothingness? If we have established that a supernatural deity capable of creating the universe can pop out of nowhere is it so unreasonable to accept that the universe itself popped out of nowhere and cut out the middle man (or middle woman in this case)? How the hell can you “make” life? Don’t animals start as single cells and then develop as embryos? How the hell can you “make” a full grown human (and every other plant and animal) in their fully grown form simply by blowing into mud? Atheists don’t like to answer too many questions, so it’s just easier to assume that Athe herself did not create the universe.

In regards to evolution, Atheists believe that humans did not evolve directly from chimps. Humans and chimps merely had a common ancestor, Homer Simpson. Since Atheists are lazy when it comes to answering complicated questions they don’t go for answers like “every single animal in the world was created in exactly the form they are in today and they have not changed since that day, nor ever will they”. Just as with the sudden appearance of the supernatural deity, the sudden appearance of life in all its complexity without themselves even growing from embryos as they do today is too much for the small imagination of an atheist. The other problem with this assertion is that life does appear to be changing all the time; take, for example, death.

So what atheists say, to save time, is that a self-replicating molecule similar to DNA appeared around 3.5 billion years ago and since then that molecule has been doing its best to keep itself safe inside bacteria, plants and animals. These molecules were probably built by Darwin and then sent back in time with the help of his patented "Evolvinator". Once atheists have said that they can go back to watching TV and tell the religious people who keep asking them these questions to stop asking them questions about things they don’t care about.

[edit] Atheist terrorism

Typical atheist terrorist.

Atheists commit acts of terrorism on a regular basis. The list of atheist terrorists and despots is so long... it could easily fit on one page of a pocket notepad.

As a way of defying the church they will often sneak into church after church and replace the body of Christ with rice paper, replace the blood of Christ with wine, put up sculptures of the Christian Messiah being tortured, and set all the candles on fire.

Sometimes they dress up like priests, and burn asbestos in little gold smoke thuribles. There are some signs that asbestos is being burned by an atheist terrorist, instead of incense being burned by a priest:

1. Instead of a pleasant smelling smoke, the smoke smells like burnt tires.
2. The priest may look unusually manic and unshaven, with long, unclipped nails, and may be wearing a trench coat under the priest's ceremonial gown.
3. If the "priest" asks for your children's opinion on the new brand of incense he bought, and invites them to get closer to take a smell of the smoke, do not let your children approach under any circumstances.
4. Instead of rhythmically swinging the thurible back and forth they will swing it around their head at high velocity.
5. Often they will extend the chain so that the red hot thurible swings over the entire congregation. If you are knelt in prayer and repeatedly hear a load whooshing sound over your head you are advised to stay calm, stay low, try not to breath the smoke, and quickly crawl to the closest exit.

[edit] The relationship between Atheism and all bad things

It has often been claimed that atheism plays a significant role in everything bad that happens in the world. A case in point is the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union, like every country in Western Europe, North America and Australasia was not run under religious law, however it was run by communists so I guess atheists are to blame, right? Hitler correctly identified, in his honest and non-deceitful masterpiece Mein Kampf that Jews were to blame for everything evil. Well, they were back then, anti-Semitic bigotry is no longer popular in the West, so now atheists are to blame, especially in the Guardian such as here and here and here and here. Maybe one day that shit covered rag might have a bad word to say about Osama bin Laden? (And maybe some day pigs will fly)

Any Christians found drinking from the Atheist fountain would be shot on sight. (However vice versa incidents were considered acceptable.)

It's a proven fact that all bad things in the universe come from atheists. The earliest known atheist was Gorlblatt the Equivocator. God smote him. This slowed down the progression of atheism until the enlightenment, when a bunch of pricks on shrooms discovered the "real" nature of the universe.

"Militant" atheism is when people commit acts of terrorism in the name of a lack of belief in Allah. Although most terrorists today seem to commit their acts in the name of Allah, as opposed to not in the name of Allah, pointing that out is splitting hairs.

“Militant” atheists like Richard Dorkins (not to be confused with born again Christian Richard Dawkins) are, to quote the great ape Tobias Jones ^[2], “taking revenge on us believers for refusing to stay in the closet”. Richard Dorkin’s “revenge” was to remote control an aeroplane into the Atheist Trade Centre. Here is what T the A has to say:

There's an aspiring totalitarianism in Britain which is brilliantly disguised. It's disguised because the would-be dictators - and there are many of them - all pretend to be more tolerant than thou. They hide alongside the anti-racists, the anti-homophobes and anti-sexists. But what they are really against is something very different. They - call them secular fundamentalists - are anti-God, and what they really want is the eradication of religion, and all believers, from the face of the earth.

Richard Dorkins has been carrying out his scheme of "wiping all believers from the face of the Earth" for many years now. He does this by giving extremely boring lectures on subjects no one cares about. The people listening to the lectures are driven into gnawing their arms off with boredom and die shortly afterwards. Didn't know this was happening? Of course you didn't! Remember - it's "brilliantly disguised."

In every high school class, there is often at least one atheist child. Dick Dorkins points out that actually the phrase 'atheist child' should make us all flinch and exclaim aloud, declaring a fatwa on whoever dares to utter such irrational nonsense. Instead, the correct term for the short-hand, 'atheist child(PBUH)' is 'child of secular humanist, agnostic-but-for-most-practical-purposes-atheist parents'. These children often bring a sense of anger to religious children, these feelings of anger sometimes erupt in violence.

[edit] Virtues and Truths of Atheism

Charles Darwin and Alfred Russell Wallace planning to take over the world. Picture taken in 1940.

Nazi belt buckle: ATHE, NOT GOD, With Us. This belt buckle is more than enough evidence to prove that the entire Nazi Party was an Atheist movement. I mean, it's a f'ing belt buckle! What more proof do you need???

Please be warned: all atheists, even those who don't know they are atheists (pet cats for instance) are the reincarnation of Josef Stalin. Keep well clear of them at all costs!!!!!

• Nothing, but this may be related to their beliefs on how everything came about.
• Christians are stupid and so is the person (the people) who wrote this article.
• Muslims are stupid too, but they never mention that in case a Muslim places a car bomb (functional or not) outside their house.
• Atheists choose to show Athe their love by pointing out how stupid other religions are, to quote a leading atheist Buddhists are "very stupid, I mean... come on. Buddhists believe in some big fat guy or something."
• Others focus on how very dumb these religions are, the common atheist view of Judaism is "very dumb, I mean... come on. Jews believe in some big triangle star or something.
• Some simply focus on how ridiculous your religion is according to high atheist lord Dawkins: "very ridiculous, I mean... come on. Christians believe in a plus sign (+) or something.
• Many atheists devote their life to ranting on the internet from a basement on how religion is a crutch used by the weak and ignore that the vast majority of the guys defending their countries are religious.

Roman Orthodox Atheists (90% of atheist population) tend to follow the third rule with strict orthodoxism, rarely even coming close to insulting anyone other than a Christian. Roman Orthodox Atheists also have their own Anti-Pope, Richard "floofy jumper" Dawkins.

A new atheist church called the Hitchenites emerged in 1517 during the Rebelstant reformation to challenge the Roman Orthodox tradition of wussy leaders like Dawkins and start making such radical claims as "Al Qaeda is made up of naughty people". The holy symbol of the Hitchenites is two raised fingers and their holy saying is "fuck you, fuck you"!

[edit] Atheists and morality

Morals constitute the daily lives of all atheists as they usually take their time every Sunday to go to Atheist church. Typical atheist mentality is: If you can kill a man and take his possessions, and you are guaranteed that you will not be punished for doing so, and you are guaranteed that you will not be rewarded in any way for not doing so, and it is certain that this man is of no benefit to society—in fact, it might benefit society to have him removed (because he is an unproductive fellow)... then why not kill him? There is no secular-rational reason for empathizing with others or loving others without benefit except for 1: the fear that you might be punished otherwise, or 2: absolutely blind faith in the concept of empathy.

Unfortunately for the cause, most atheists do not behave this way in the real world. Example: fundamentalist atheist Richard Dorkins, to this day fails to trawl the streets of Oxford at night tracking down unproductive members of society and killing them. The result is that he remains not nearly as wealthy as he could be, complete idiots maintain control of the most powerful nations in the world, and our society is dragged down by negative economic elements. And the day will come, much sooner than it would otherwise, when our world does not have nearly enough food or resources to sustain the vast population of underprivileged. The blame for this, of course falls in the lap of Atheism, for failing to thin out humanity's over-population and in effect dooming the world to death with nasty, big pointy teeth.(What an eccentric performance.)

Other species of life may continue to prosper since, as evolution says, any animal capable of surviving in a particular environment will tend to pass on its characteristics to the next generation. Unfortunately for humanity, those most intelligent in our society will pass on absolutely nothing at all (two, three children tops?) while it is a guarantee that stupid, reckless parents will never cease in their quest to spawn stupid, reckless brats. The environment will not kill these people, either, as those most capable of surviving will risk their own lives to protect them and ensure Earth's more rapid destruction.

[edit] Do Atheists really exist?

There is a lot of controversy on the subject of whether or not Atheists really exist. For example, Satan is well-known for his beliefs that Atheists don't exist. The only evidence that Atheists exist is that they are talked a lot about in the Holy Scripture called Uncyclopedia. There is a small amount of evidence that Atheists exist. The fact that an Eagle Scout killed a person because he was an Atheist is one piece of proof. This isn’t sufficient evidence though, because Michael Moore was an Eagle Scout and there’s little evidence to suggest he is real, so that means Eagle Scouts might not be real either.

The best way to look at this is using the scientific method, an (apparently) unlimited, infallible method applicable to everything, which is the product of fallible, finite human beings. The scientific argument goes as follows:

• Science is wrong, as was confirmed on page 24 paragraph 7 of The God Delusion aka the Atheist's Bible.
• Page 24 paragraph 7 is the most quoted section of TGD by atheists. This explains why the shorthand '24/7' appears in many different places around the world. Atheist evangelism seems to have a stronghold - onward atheist soldiers!
• Richard Dorkins (aka God) is planning a re-release of TGD in the Ancient Greek language. This way, atheist atheologians can debate over how to interpret it over the coming centuries, and whether it says atheists exist or not.
• Science can't answer the question of whether atheists really exist or not. However, atheists know that science can be applied to everything. Therefore, atheists assert that science CAN answer the question, but is just being lazy and playing hard to get.
• If Atheists are real then there must be some kind of repeatable experiment which shows that an Atheist can be produced.
• Carrying out the experiment once isn’t good enough because it can result in a false positive.
• Since an Atheist is always a human, and since humans are made from either mud or ribs depending on their gender, the only sensible way of carrying out the experiment is by bringing a wheelbarrow full of manure into a KFC restaurant. Manure is usually used as an air freshener in a KFC restaurant so this means the conditions can be set up many times over.
• Therefore, atheists might exist.

Q.E.D

If you ask an atheist if he believes in God he will tell you: "I'm just doing a hooker sir, I don't need to repent". There are people out there who don't believe in any gods at all (even Athe). So how can we be sure that Atheists exist if there's no empirical evidence that they do? Hey, this is religion baby. What does "evidence" have to do with anything?

[edit] You Could Be An Atheist If You...

1. Were previously an Agnostic then hit puberty
2. Think The God Delusion is the best philosophy book ever written
3. Have only read The God Delusion and are convinced by it that God doesn't exist
4. Have never read the Bible, but criticize its contents anyway
5. Think that all religious people are terrorists
6. Think yourself to be tolerant, but can't stand anyone who is not as staunchly atheist as you
7. Quote Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins in discussion without fail, pretending their points are your own
8. Think that the Four Horsemen are the best minds the world has ever known
9. Celebrate Darwin Day
10. Worship Science, although you take all your 'knowledge' of it on faith from a scientist authority figure
11. Frequently visit Richard Dawkins' Fan Site
12. Think Stalin wasn't really that far off the mark
13. Think the Skeptics' Annotated Bible is the pinnacle of rigorous academic Biblical Studies
14. Use the words 'rational', 'evidence', 'reason' and 'science' excessively
15. Want to feel intellectually superior to the masses while dwelling within your mothers basement whinging about religious people on YouTube and occasionally venturing outside to attend your weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons
16. Were molested by an adult male during childhood
17. Were molested by a Catholic Priest during childhood
18. Have a complete and total lack of friends and want to join a misguided youth subgroup such as Emos, Goths or Democrats
19. Cannot see that God's real reason for making sex and masturbation so damn good was to fuck with your head test your faith
20. Have a surname that rhymes with -awkins, are employed at Oxford University and write books bitching about how bad religion is and professing how vastly intelligent you are.
21. Clap as loudly as you can for atheist speakers in debates about religion or God
22. Try and encourage friends to 'come out of the closet', but aren't referring to homosexuality
23. Frequently visit Youtube only to make offensive videos and comments about Christians.

[edit] List of Atheists

• Richard Dawkins - turned atheist after reading 'The Origin of Species'
• Charles Darwin - turned atheist after reading 'The God Delusion'
• Gandalf - turned atheist after falling down a rather large hole, and after developing a strange attraction to hobbits.
• Buddha - turned atheist after becoming a minority religion
• Aliens - borned atheists
• God - turned atheist after he was diagnosed with Chronic Depression and stopped believing in himself
• Douglas Adams - turned atheist after Vogans destroyed the Earth
• Tacos - turned atheists after discovering that tacos evolved from tortillas which in turn evolved from maize, not from Taco Bell as originally thought.
• Oscar Wilde - turned atheist after meeting this God person
• Zeus - turned atheist after being hit by lightning
• Xenu - doesn't need to be explained, lol?

[edit] See Also

• Atheism (religion)
• Atheist
• Atheist huffing
• Antitheism
• Agnosticism
• Evil Atheist Conspiracy
• George Carlin
• God doesn't believe in atheists
• Militant atheism
• New atheism
• Notsoccer
• Reasons to become an atheist
• Reasons to become an atheist/the religious-rant version
• Reasons to become an atheist/the sensible version
• Right wing ranting

[edit] References

1. ↑ Higher crime/ teen pregnancy/ abortions etc in Red States (see bottom of article)
2. ↑ Anti-atheist sentiment in the Guardian

[edit] External links

• Atheism from the hilarious Conservapedia