Athena Asamiya

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Not only does it grind her knuckles into your face, she additionally stabs one your eyes out with that move!One of a zillion of Athena's different clothes.
Name Athena Asamiya
Blood Type The red kind
Fighting Style X-Treme Stripping, Chinese Psychic Kung-Fu Stuff
Weapon of Choice Fists
Likes Beating you up, changing or throwing off her clothes, eating your face
Dislikes Bao, you, and bakers
Love Interests Oscar Wilde

Athena Asamiya is a movie star, actor, magical girl, fashion model, ex-porno model, and singer who beats people up and repeatedly changes her clothes, both usually for no good reason. Famous for starring in a long string of video games where you beat people up, Athena Asamiya was regarded as one of the No. She is obviously Bison's second clone, but was rejected by him since she didn't wear clothes that went up her buttcheeks. 1 people-beater-uppers up until 2002.

Contents

[edit] Resurrection of Athena?

Athena Asamiya was born in a small village somewhere in Japan. Look, I don't know where, don't bother asking me. Anyways, Athena grew up with all the normal things in life... but also realized she was psychic. She could look into the minds of cows and communicate to signposts through ESP. She pursued a career much like Miss Cleo's, but failed shortly after, because people thought she was too dorky. She soon began to claim she was the reincarnation of Athena, which made people think she was insane and she was bound and gagged tight in a straitjacket and locked up for a good few years in an asylum.

Athena at a photo shoot. By the way, that's not ketchup she's standing in. :)
Athena at a photo shoot. By the way, that's not ketchup she's standing in. :)

[edit] The Next Thing She Did Was...

After her release, Athena began to wonder what to do next. She realized that in order to make a living, she decided to enter the porno business. So she became a porno model... also, part time clothes model for Calvin Klein. This ensured her love of changing clothes every few hours (or every few minutes).

She began attending high school, but was then kicked out when they found out she was a porno model. That was when she was found by some old martial artist fart looking for people to scam, and was hired to give him a sponge bath... then when he found out that she had psychic powers (when she began screaming at a tree for no reason), he decided to teach her the fine art of kung fu. Most of this training consisted of stripping as fast as she could and using her psychic powers to rob grocery stores. He also trained her through many other grueling tests... like slapping herself silly with her hand, eating a crowbar, and sleeping in a cage filled with porcupines. At last, her training was complete after 8 long months!

[edit] The King of Fighters tournaments

Gradually, through her training, Athena felt more and more obligated to beat people up (because this old fart, named Chin Gentsai, would make her do it), and she began to get thrilled by it. Within moments, Athena was running around, beating the holy hell out of people. And funny yet, she began singing while doing it, which really began to freak people out. Athena soon realized she had talents she never knew she had and began to enter the acting and musical business. Then began going back into the porno business, only to try and make a psychic hotline business for herself. Then she tried to become a cop.

To better keep this under control, Gentsai asked for another sponge bath, then told her to go to the King of Fighters tournaments, which she did... and she beat the crap out of people in there too, while singing, changing her clothes every 7 minutes, and at times stripping and screaming at the floor for no reason.

One of the most notable things of mention about Athena during her entire career through the years in KOF is that she never seemed to age, like Dick Clark. Either she is his daughter or she's using a lot of make-up to hide her aging.

Just recently, she's been fighting a clone of her. I'm not sure, probably is...

[edit] Death

It was not until November 23rd, 2004 when Athena “disappeared”. Upon inspection of her apartment, it was found that there were signs of eating having taken place, as most of the furniture in her room had been halfway devoured as well as the majority of her clothes. At first, police suspected it might have been the work of a grue, but soon came to find out the true culprit: Roseanne.

She was delicious!

~ Roseanne on Athena Asamiya

Terry Bogard, one of the people who knew Athena, said that this was a rather ironic death, as during the King of Fighters tournament in 2001, she promptly ate one of her teammates, a little kid named Bao. They say that the reason that prompted this is that she mistakened his strange poofy orange hat for a mushroom and quickly devoured him. When it was all over, nobody bothered to do anything about it because they never really liked him anyways.

Regardless in spite of this, Athena appears regularly still in the KOF video games, as SNK considers her real life death "non-canon". And even then, her voice actor is replaced every year because the developers are too cheap to keep them on a constant payroll. Notable Athena voice actors are: George Clooney, Adam Sandler, the Olsen Twins (both at the same time), Adolf Hitler, Hulk Hogan, Lydia Lunch and Steve Urkel.

[edit] Memorable Quotes

[edit] Her Special Attacks

  • Psycho Ball - Athena runs off and starts a spectacular costume ball full of insanity. The damage is done when she does not invite the opponent, which makes them enter severe depression out of rejection.
  • Psycho Sword - She pulls out a plastic sword and starts beating her opponent with it.
  • Psycho Reflector - Athena watches her opponent through a reflector. Objects are closer than they appear.
  • Psycho Teleport - Athena teleports away and never comes back.
  • Psycho - Athena surrounds her opponent in a curtain and bathtub, where they proceed to shower. She then grabs a knife and sneaks up on her victim, who screams before she starts stabbing them into unconsciousness.
  • Psychic Throw - She grabs her foe and throws them helluva far, like Mr. T.
  • Phoenix Arrow - When she does this move, she kills a phoenix and turns it into an arrow, then fires it at you.
  • Shining Crystal Bit - She pulls out a crystal and tries to bite it. The result is that she breaks a tooth off.
  • Super Phoenix Arrow - Like the regular Phoenix Arrow, only she kills several thousand phoenixes to do it and it gets the PETA and World Wildlife Fund on her ass and they try to sue her. She sues them back.
  • Psychic 9 - She starts changing clothes at the speed of Mach9.
  • Psycho Crusher - An attack that was NOT stolen from Street Fighter, even though it looks exactly like it.

[edit] Filmography

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Athena Asamiya.
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