Atheism
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“Oh for Darwin's sake!”
~ atheist on cursing
“"You have just sneezed"”
~ athiest on You sneezing
“In Soviet Russia God doesn't believe in YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Atheism
“I've been thinking about it because apparently they get laid more.”
~ Rush Limbaugh on Atheism
Atheism(also pronounced Eehtheism, see also, Canada) is a fundamentalist religion which dogmatically adheres to belief in the non-existence of the God that it doesn't believe in. It is a non-prophet organization, noticeably missing scriptures, rituals, and all the other gee wiz stuff that makes religions fun. It is believed to be a highly secretive religion devoted to private worship of the ultimate, all powerful goddess Athe. Understandably, it's followers are generally those too uncool to get into a more popular religion. The goal of atheists is to destroy society by persuading people to join them in their faith through cunning arguments as to why it's better than anyone else's. Legend has it that Atheists got their powers of persuasion from a four-way deal thousands of years ago between the all powerful goddess Athe, the Ghost of Christmas Past, Xenu, was supposedly left behind by Richard Dawkins, also see: Paradox. Modern anthropologists note that Atheism is as boring as hell, which Atheists don't believe in either. Since Atheists are so obsessed with reason, logic, science and math(s) they call their cunning argument(s) "organized religious algorithms" and model them on a computer before heading for the street. The main technique they use is to walk around a typical busy church shouting “you worthless sinners! I am holier than thou! My beliefs are better than yours! Come to Athe Jesus or and die!”
According to Pope Benadick 16th, all Atheists are Marxists/socialists and their goal is to create disorder in society by persuading people that they are right. Some challenge that they don't believe that Atheists really exist, since they have never seen one and it all sounds so far fetched. In response, Atheists have proven beyond any doubt, that God is himself Atheist, so that at least one Atheist does exist.
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[edit] Atheist Beliefs
Because Athe is regarded as the highest and most advanced being in the universe, communication between Her and Her lowly creations is regarded as a blasphemous concept in Atheism. Atheists believe that to regard oneself as so important that Athe the almighty has time to stop watching TV just to listen your prayers is the ultimate case of egotism. Atheists don’t flatter themselves in that way. As such there are no holy scriptures in Atheism, and prayer, i.e., attempted communication with a superior being, is strictly forbidden. Anyone who dares to indulge in such activity as the perusal of scripture or prayer ceases to be an Atheist or gets slapped with a tuna; repeat offenders are slapped with a swordfish or turkey. Most Atheist converts will most probably read the Dummies' Guide to Atheism (a.k.a. The God Delusion). This is not obligatory though, since that is a very long and boring book designed primarily for 70 year old university professors reading by candlelight. - - The lack of scripture or common prayer around which to nucleate a faith leaves Atheism a much less cohesive faith than, say, Christianity, Jainism, Pastafarianism or Islam . As no Atheist Church actually exists and congregations of Atheists are regarded as unholy (owing to the temptation to group prayer) the typical Atheist has little choice but to attack and challenge the beliefs of other religions, by studying and understanding science, then completely ignoring that and going on online forums to start flame wars. Most Atheists will talk more about God than the regular Theist (Theists being the mortal enemy of all Atheists just like Jeff Davis and Abe Lincoln). As such, on meeting an Atheist, the last thing you want to do is mention religion, because it will cause convulsions and Blowjob in the said atheist leading to a monologue on reasons why your particular deity doesn't exist and why the world would be better if everybody was an atheist zombie. The exception to this rule is people described as atheist by default, or ABD. These are people who happened to be brought up in a non-religious family, and hence were never introduced to one of the non-atheist gods. ABDs make up 99% of the atheist population while an Oxford professor and people who appear on Rod Liddle’s documentaries make up the remaining 1%. Agnostics despute the existence of ABDs arguing that they naturally have no idea what is going on.
- The fact that Athe is herself a divine deity is ignored of course. They might turn red and explode out of fury at just looking at a person carrying a Bible, although this is not a given because a large proportion of atheists are far too conceited to worry about anyone other than themselves. There are reports of Atheists entering Iowa and getting an allergic reaction.
- Every atheist will give his or her child at birth an "Athening", which is a ceremony during which a small brain chip is inserted into the child's brain (no particular lobe is necessary, just throw it in there and call it a day) so that the child will learn to love his new atheist brain-chip, and will never question the unchanging authority of human science... which is ever changing. This brain chip will (in most cases) cause the child to become extremely conceited, greedy, rude, condescending, and intolerant of anyone other than fellow atheists. He/She will especially hate Christians and ultra-right wing conservatives, despite the fact that their real enemy is the Muslims. This is why any ideas the atheist disagrees with are branded "Christian", and thus eligible to be removed from secular venues under the sacred law of church-state separation.
[edit] Atheist Mythology
Since Atheists are forbidden from believing in the existance of God, many assume that they beleive in no ridiculous supernatural being whatsoever. However, as their name indicates, they believe in Athe, a supernatural being with unlimited powers. Atheists attribute all inexlicable phenomena as her doing, such as helping embryos to develop, pushing the Earth around the sun and keeping all physical constants at the right value. Atheists refuse to classify Athe as a God, since that would contradict their fundamental doctrine that God doesn't exist. They even hesitate to use the term goddess, because it sounds so similar. As a result, even though they do believe in someone super cool and more powerful than mum/mom and dad combined, they are not eligible for legalized tax evasion.
Atheists don't pray to Athe, because they can't imagine how an all-powerful being could possibly have be powerful enough to listen to billions of humans talking at once. Nine out of ten supernatural beings like Thor, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Bruce Almighty and the Invisible Pink Unicorn agree that it is really hard and that you have no idea how totally hard it is until you try.
[edit] Atheist Views on...
[edit] ...Religion
{{Atheists believe that living in your parent's basement, playing video games, and insulting religious people on internet message boards all day is an excellent and fulfilling lifestyle, and that all those who have not seen the light must be saved. They also believe that religion is not compatible with science, since their religion cannot be scientifically proven the correct one. }}
[edit] ...Abortion
Atheists believe that vampires have sucked the souls out of all humans and that when they die, they will cease to exist. For this reason they insist that it is every woman's right to kill two week old undeveloped human embryos. They promote abortions for people who can’t be bothered to buy condoms, because they know that anyone who hasn’t used contraception must be a Christian, thus decreasing the competition.
[edit] ...Dan Brown
Atheism is painted in a very crude and unpleasant way in the author Dan Brown's novels, in particular the portrayal of the Illuminati, a militant atheist organization which attempts to destroy the Vatican with a plot device. Some of the better known celebrity Illuminati members have spoken out against this portrayal of their society as closed and secretive, stating: "the Illuminati have always been an open and inclusive society dedicated to the destruction of organized religion around the world (fair enough, we're not doing a very good job Allahuh Ackbar!)—visit our website for information on how to join!"
[edit] ...Creation
Most Atheists think it rational to believe the universe emerged out of nothingness by itself for no reason at all. This avoids the many prickly questions about the meaning of life, since it has none. They argue that since something had to make man, and God is exactly the same as man, something had to make God. So what atheists say, to save time, is that a self-replicating molecule called DNA appeared around 3.5 billion years ago and since then that molecule has been doing its best to keep itself safe inside bacteria, plants and animals. These molecules were probably built by Darwin and then sent back in time with the help of his patented "Evolvinator". Once atheists have said that, they can go back to watching TV and tell the people who keep asking them these questions to stop asking them questions about things they don’t care about.
[edit] ...The Holocaust
One of the many unique challenges to an Atheist's faith is the question of the Holocaust. Why would God allow the Holocaust to happen if He doesn't even exist? They answer that it must be the fault of those who believe that God does exist. The belief in a God who commands the world not to murder and promises to punish all those who do makes everyone crazy murderers. If nonexistant God hadn't commanded people not to murder, no one ever would.
[edit] Do Atheists really exist?
There is a lot of controversy on the subject of whether or not Atheists really exist. For example, Satan is well-known for his beliefs that Atheists don't exist. The only evidence that Atheists exist is that they are talked a lot about in the Holy Scripture called Uncyclopedia. There is a small amount of evidence that Atheists exist. The fact that an Eagle Scout killed a person because he was an Atheist is one piece of proof. This isn’t sufficient evidence though, because Michael Moore was an Eagle Scout and there’s little evidence to suggest he is real, so that means Eagle Scouts might not be real either.
The best way to look at this is using the scientific method, an (apparently) unlimited, infallible method applicable to everything, which is the product of fallible, finite human beings. The scientific argument goes as follows:
- Science is wrong, as was confirmed on page 24 paragraph 7 of The God Delusion aka the Atheist's Bible.
- Page 24 paragraph 7 is the most quoted section of TGD by atheists. This explains why the shorthand '24/7' appears in many different places around the world. Atheist evangelism seems to have a stronghold - onward atheist soldiers!
- Richard Dorkins (aka God) is planning a re-release of TGD in the Ancient Greek language. This way, atheist atheologians can debate over how to interpret it over the coming centuries, and whether it says atheists exist or not.
- Science can't answer the question of whether atheists really exist or not. However, atheists know that science can be applied to everything. Therefore, atheists assert that science CAN answer the question, but is just being lazy and playing hard to get.
- If Atheists are real then there must be some kind of repeatable experiment which shows that an Atheist can be produced.
- Carrying out the experiment once isn’t good enough because it can result in a false positive.
- Since an Atheist is always a human, and since humans are made from either mud or ribs depending on their gender, the only sensible way of carrying out the experiment is by bringing a wheelbarrow full of manure into a KFC restaurant. Manure is usually used as an air freshener in a KFC restaurant so this means the conditions can be set up many times over.
- Therefore, atheists might exist.
(Atheist Writer is writing this) I am an Atheist. I exist. Other people are atheists. They exist. Therefore, atheists do exist. Q.E.D
[edit] List of Atheists
- Richard Dawkins - turned atheist after reading 'The Origin of Species'
- Charles Darwin - turned atheist after reading 'The God Delusion'
- Gandalf - turned atheist after falling down a rather large hole, and after developing a strange attraction to hobbits.
- Buddha - turned atheist after becoming a minority religion
- Aliens - borned atheists
- God - turned atheist after he was diagnosed with Chronic Depression and stopped believing in himself
- Douglas Adams - turned atheist after Vogons destroyed the Earth one Thursday afternoon
- Tacos - turned atheists after discovering that tacos evolved from tortillas which in turn evolved from maize, not from Taco Bell as originally thought.
- Oscar Wilde - turned atheist after God assured him that He doesn't exist
- Zeus - turned atheist after being hit by lightning
- Xenu - after he finally read his own book.
- Burgers and Fries - Typical vicious atheist
[edit] See Also
- Atheism (religion)
- Atheist
- Atheist huffing
- Antitheism
- Agnosticism
- Evil Atheist Conspiracy
- God, kittens, ion, killing, and you
- George Carlin
- God doesn't believe in atheists
- Militant atheism
- New atheism
- Notsoccer
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Reasons to become an atheist/the funny version
- Reasons to become an atheist/the sensible version
- Right wing ranting
