Athlone
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Athlone is the name given to a town which is on the central island of Ireland and maybe the universe. The town sprawls for 600023445 miles in all directions from its center with 244 new housing estates being built every second in the area pwned by the order of the bottle bank monks who battle the mse on a regular basis. Try locating it on google earth. it has a clowd of black smoke over it from all the burning tyres. it has a population of 50,000 extras from the braveheart movie.
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[edit] History
The town was created in 1953 when a train broke down in a boghole between Westport and Dublin and the passengers were too drunk to make their onward journey so just settled. In 1994, co-inciding with the start of the transition year in Irish secondary schools, a castle was built to entice busloads of T.Y. students to come on school tours.
This castle was later used in the year 2010 as protection from the Dutch zombies who arrived on big orange spaceships. But it was quickly destroyed before being replaced with a large cornfield. This corn defeated the invaders as they were deathly allergic to the corn which had grown in the place of the castle.
It is also worth noting that the Athlone Town Centre (completed, finally in 2054) was used as the meeting place for interplanetary negotiations between the races of Yautja (a.k.a Predators, the Irkens, Decapodians and Humans.
[edit] Inishmaan
a crowd of ledgends
[edit] Recent years
In breaking news, an oscillator was reported missing from the marina in Athlone. Local Gardai are looking for a Connemara man with a propensity for eating donkeys. [1]
The Gardai have recently charged an 11 year old schoolboy with assault on one of his male teachers. He's known among his peers as a "Master baiter".
Thieves recently broke into Athlone Garda Station and removed all the lavatory pans. The Guards have as yet nothing to go on. Gargai have since all but left the town, except for the few friendly dectives seem happy with the back handers the local drug pushers are giving them.
[edit] Geography
The town contains the largest open sewer in the world. It is referred to as the Athlone Council Drainage Scheme or the Shannon for short. Every year the sewer floods and the local farmers grow glow in the dark rice in their paddy fields which they sell to the people in Galway in exchange for fish and a Seoige sister every year.
In the year 2153, the local serfs that live on the western edges witnessed a visit of a planetary craft from Jupiter. The sheep were heard baying and the locals, having stared upwards for so long got a crack in the neck. Hence Baylock or now known as Baylough.
[edit] The Batteries
Also known as "The Ever Randies". Won best neighbourhood in the 4007 B.C. Tidy Towns competition.
A new Congestion Charge has been proposed by the U.D.C. due to the inordinate amount of teenagers coming from the Heights with baby-strollers on their way to Penny's. Except they don't pay pennies, just steal it. An Eazy-Pass system is also mooted. [2]
The area is also used in Athlones valiant effort to save the world from global warming. By using its slopes as a massive dump we can save important places like spain from a missive seagull attack.
[edit] Sarsfield Square
Here are The Warriors, well known for its pick a fight night.try asking for some local cuisine and you might get a beauiful can of dutch gold and half a kebab. Also be sure to check out the railway bar, its open 24/7 and has a great local crowd who will be sure to have you have you in stitches if you hang around.
[edit] St. Mel's
here there be dragons... and shams
[edit] San Athlone
www.youtube.com references Athlone as San Athlone. Try entering "San Athlone" into the search bar of the Youtube site to see exactly what Athlone is like.
[edit] Athlone Space Operations Centre
Originally based at Cape Mels where many the blast-off was had. Lt. Googie achieved a free house in the Batteries, so command and control went to Connaught.
This was a very fortunate move, as the Battery Heights Operations Centre (BHOC) have now mastered the art of using the CPU's of stolen car stereos into the ignition systems of the spaceships, thus saving millions.
This year, apart from the fun trip to Mars, they are organising a difficult trip to Moate, as most buses are burnt out and scheduling is difficult given the welfare office hours.
[edit] Twin City
The Far Side. Efforts are ongoing to establish a visa system equitable to all, thus allowing free movement between the tribes. The rocket-propelled grenade attacks on the bridge had to cease. Mrs. O'Sullivan's mascara was desecrated in one such incident. [3]
A detention centre has been established on the Connaught side in the old Fr. Matthew Hall (Contanamo), where the enemy combatants are constantly subjected to reruns of RTE's Ceili House.
Not to be outdone the AIB has a running commentary on the other side, explaining why they are here to help you.
Civil liberties advocates are investigating what they consider extraordinary renditions. That's renditions, not renderings you Rooskey gobshite.
[edit] Industry
Major industries include grave robbing and the enslavement of students from the local I.T. to work in the paddy fields of Clonown.
People passing through Athlone on the train frequently observe people seemingly enjoying themselves in pleasure craft on the Shannon. They are in fact local unemployed men who are trawling the sewer searching for the wallets of people who've jumped or been pushed off the bridge.
[edit] Governance
The town concil was the scene of an almighty fracas last Thursday over the funding of the public toilets.
"Where do you stand on the toilets?" demanded an angry Cllr. Clem Mc Bride. "I have told you over and over I stand behind the toilets, and I make no apology for it", replied Cllr. JohnJo Walsh.
Mayor Masie Flanigan opined she was not going to stand for this kind of thing in her chambers.
Similar to the Vatican City Athlone is a principality unto itself and is ruled by Queen Danielle Gaynor
[edit] Business and Retail
The new tattoo parlour "is doing a bomb" according to Skin McColours. "We have great demand for Hell's Angles"
Curried chips were at a good clip too, as Cowjack reported on Mart & Market.
In further news the new town centre development has opened. There is an urgent requirement for staff who can negotiate the escalators for the teenagers unable to deploy their strollers.
[edit] Athlonians
Many people used to be under the delusion that Athlonians are scumbags. On this point, it is generally accepted that they were confused with their neighbours from Ballinasloe. This was true until 1986 and The Second Irish Civil War when inhabitants of said shithole invaded the idyllic town of Athlone. They infested areas such as the Battery Heights and St. Mels. The Ballinaslonians were believed to be fleeing from the annual misery of the Horse Fair. These once beautiful areas were transformed into depraved slums. Lucily most of these odd balls have been picked off the by local vigilanty mob who like nothing better than chasing cowardly scum back to their one street town of ballinasloe.
It is filled with people of various origins but mostly of knackers, chavs, dog worriers and emo's who won't admit they are emo in any way. These chavs (knackers) are commonly seen wearing full matching tracksuits (occasionally wearing a tracksuit top), baseball caps (placed high on the wearer's head to show their masculinity, which does not work but instead shows the wearer's terrible haircut and large head), white runners and the bottoms of the tracksuit bottoms are often tucked into the chav's socks.
[edit] Famous Athlone people
 Ivana Humpalott (Latvia) - Queen of Athlone Agricultural Show 2006. |
 "Danny Ratcliffe", Inventor of the chocolate teapot - has recently received a barring order to stay at least a hundred feet away from all sheep, has broken it 34 times in the last week. |
 Emilio Duignan, a local Eskimo marine biologist. |
 The Dark Man - ubiquitous Cyber Pest on athlone.ie, recently sectioned and indicted for "crimes against insanity" |
 Jean Patrice Tiernan, a well known smurf from the marshes of Mayo, visited Athlone in 1895, in order to gain ideas from its famous architecture from the "knack" period and refurbish his shoebox style mansion (7*7*30m). Unfortunately, while making his 2000 mile hike back to Mayo, Jean Patrice walked under a rainbow and changed sex as a result. Totally devoid of any resemblance to Jean Patrice his/her friends or family once knew, Jean Patrice left for Galway with just a few belongings wrapped in a hickhanky hanging from the end of his stick. These days you may find him going by the name of Jockpad,eating spuds or sniffing seaweed wracks around coastal Ireland. |
 Colin Eoin West. A legend among Athlone people. He has be known to be quite the drinker and has performed many strange, hilarious and almost almighty activities, such as urinating in one of the aisles of the local Tesco supermarket while drunk (brilliant at sex by the way). |
 John The Count McCormack. Born in the year 1528, the Count was a world renowned singer and, unbeknownst to many, a vampire. Dressed in a kilt and swimming goggles, he resides to this day in Athlone Castle, as a wax dummy in the castle's exhibits. |
 Leroy Malone, who left in 1967 due to constant jibing about the colour of his car. |
 Joe Relihan and his friend's sharing more than a joke at the Athlone Annual Anal Bashing Rave |
Tanya Hyde, nee Anita Koch, newly elected AAA Disciplinary Officer
[edit] Yer Man
Yer Man is Athlone's most famous resident and is leader of the sweetcorn mouthed floor druids. No one has actually seen Yer Man and lived but he is said to be brave and wide, on account of how hard it is to get round him.
[edit] Athlone Apathy Association
Thankfully there are a few flatlanders that although dispersed to the four-corners of the earth who still spell Jesus with a "J" and not a "G". See links below for proof positive. [1] [2]
[edit] AAA Social and Political Diary 2007
This year's AGM wasn't as well attended. However, the handful of lukewarm apathetics who turned up elected themselves as the Committee for 2007-08:
- Honorary Life President: His Beatitude Hugh Janus, Jr.
- Honorary Secretaries: Alotta Fagina, Conny Lingus
- Honorary Treasurer: Ivor Biggun
- Records Secretary: Phil McCavity
- Chairperson: Ivana Humpalott
- Barsteward: Ulick McGee
- Membership Secretaries: Ben Dover, Penny Seata, Mike Hunt, Amanda Phak, Michael Honn, Phil Lacio
- Graphic Designer/Kids' Parties Organiser: Daniel Ratcliffe
- Thought Crime Ombudsperson/Moral Compass: The Most Reverend, Sanctimonious and Pious Enchilada, ho-de-do Betty Boo Boo
- Social Secretary: Natasha 'Big Mama' Onatopp
- Webmasters: The Dark Man, Batty Bat
- Librarian: Samuel Flannagan
It was decided that a grant of €70,000 be donated to the bozos at the .ie site as a humatarian gesture.
Other motions were deferred until the next meeting scheduled for June 31st 2043.
[edit] Athlone and Nuclear Fission
In 1952 a normally peaceful place known as Clonown was hit by a radioactive meteorite that turned farmers dentures stone white without the aid of Steradent.
This gave rise to that great scheme known as "The Radiator". Young people from Clownown travelled back and lo to heat rooms, with glowing teeth and radient bodies. Cavan people know this as "The Haating".
But it didn't end there.
Even the cows were doing milk-shakes.
This can now be had by all if one holds a carrot over one's head, plays Brendan Shine's "Carrots from Clownown" backwards three times and balances on the left foot.
It worked for me!
[edit] Near destruction
On the night of the fifth of April 2364, spiderman attacked the mighty shopping center severely damaging its anti-teen lazer beams. By chance on that day Ottoman245 and Meatlove7 of Runescape wondered into the town looking for the foul beast of st.Mels. Spiderman attacked pwning meatlove but otto was level 49 and pwned spidey who then fled on his bike. The town rejoiced and burned Ballinasloe in celebration.
[edit] Athlone's Sporting Life
Under the generous auspices of P.J. Caroll & Co, Athlone superstars are never short of 10 Major and a box of matches. Cross sponsorship ensures a "bag a tayho" and a few K.P. nuts at half-time. Negotiations are ongoing regarding the Club Lemon.
Greffnie O'Neill and the hang sangwiches are sorely missed, but as the autopsy revealed, she died of a Tuesday.
In new developments: The local distillery has announced sponsorship of the U-12 team. "Our belief in the youth of Athlone is demonstrated in our commitment to this fine team", says Justin McGovern, Youth Officer.
The winning numbers in the gala draw this week, where the grand prize was a free bus ticket to Golden Island Shopping Centre was a blue ticket - numbered five (5) Bonus number five (5). There were two runners-up who get an all-expenses paid trip to the Caribbean. Commiserations. But be sure to play next time, the club is going to print ten tickets for the Bonanza event that coincides with Queen of Show.
[edit] Cuisine
[edit] Local Speciality
Bord na Mona Surf and Turf
The surf consists of those pike and perch that manage to get sucked into the turbines. Fresh though. The turf, well it is the Bog of Allen.
Attention all. Curly's Bistro, Tax Advice and Homeopathic Health Center are offering a free batter burger to all who purchase a flaggin and come back from Burgess Park with two scars or less. This deal will surely not last, so act now!
A farmer in Clownown reported the loss of a prize carrot, but details are unclear at this time. A certain B. Shine is said to be assisting Garda enquiries.
[edit] References
- ↑ "Your Honour, that plate glass window was staring at me". No need for a lawyer if you remember these words. You'll get your name on page 7, but no time.
- ↑ The annual "I'm a feckin' eejit get me out of here" gymkhana and website expo is not far off. Bridgie at the bingo has "full particulars".
- ↑ In 1672, an educational fund was established so that locals could throw missiles with BOTH hands.
[edit] Crime
Crime has gone up 1000% per annum on average in the last 10 years, drive by shootings are what the local community like nothing better to see when the sun is setting behind it. Grenade attacks are thrown more ofthen than snowballs in alaska and local clubs have been set up to tackle these growing trends, most notable, the knee breakers situated in connacht street where you will end up legless going there for a few friendly pints of stout.
