Atlanta
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |
| Motto: "WHAT THE F***?! GET OFF THE F***ING PHONE AND DRIVE, YOU F***HEAD!!!" | |
| Official nickname | English: "The Big Peach"
Ebonics: "Da A-T-L, yo" SUH-thun: "LAN-na" |
| Official languages | English, Ebonics, SUH-thun |
| Mayor | Shirley "Temple" Franklin |
| Established | 18-something-or-other |
| Currency | US dollars, methamphetamine |
“Where every day is an opening day.”
~ Mayor Shirley Franklin on Atlanta
“The city too busy to hate.”
~ 1960's motto for Atlanta
“I can't imagine why the city hates me, then.”
~ Mr. Connector on Atlanta
Contents |
[edit] Welcome to Atlanta, Y'all
At first glance, Atlanta looks just like any other major city. However, there are many aspects of this dynamic municipality that put it in a category all its own: The Innovative Category. Yes, Atlanta is an innovative city in an even more innovative state (Georgia, 46th in the nation in SAT scores). But SAT scores aren't the only factor. Perhaps to give you a quick taste of Atlanta innovation, we must examine the ultimate innovative : The Connector!
[edit] The Downtown Connector
In 1937, the city's hero, known popularly as "Mr. Connector", had a brilliant idea:
“Hey! I've got a brilliant idea! Let's take Interstates 75 and 85, two major highways, and merge them into one road going through downtown Atlanta, a major city! It's not like Atlanta will become the city with the worst traffic in the nation as a result!”
~ Mr. Connector
The idea was not implanted for decades afterwards because of concerns for safety.
When Mr. Connector died a few years later, an autopsy showed that his maximum possible IQ was about 43, much higher than what many Atlantans suspected. However, Atlanta's tourism industry has taken advantage of this highway behemoth by informing potential visitors of how the innovative Downtown Connector allows one to sit back and take in the beauty of the city without having to worry about missing anything. This is due to the fact that the grandma in front of one's car is moving at two frigging miles per hour and MOVE, A**HOLE!!! YOU F***ING...
Sorry. Forget I said that. Let's move on.
- Interstate 75 is known as the Detroit-Atlanta Freeway. To/from Detroit, in 12-13 hours if the your speed is 70+ mph. There are best hotels, gas and restaurants along that freeway. Otherwise, south of Atlanta the freeway changes to Justin Guarini Expressway sorry sir, not Justin Timberlake.
- Interstate 85 is knows as Jeff Foxworthy Expressway in order for gaining fame on Are You Smarter Than an Atlanta 5th Grader.
[edit] Ted Turner
Ted "Teddy-Bear" Turner was once the owner of Atlanta, but who gives a crap? These days he merely owns CNN, Cartoon Network, TBS, TNT, Turner Classic Movies, Boomerang, Turner Field, Tru TV, your mom, and Tina Turner. He also owns a patent for his mustache. Ted Turner did, at one point, own the Atlanta Braves, but their ownership has long since been outsourced to India. Teddy's real name is Robert Edward "Ted" Turner III, so naturally he has copyrighted the names "Robert", "Edward", "Ted", "Turner", and the Roman numeral III. That means this article has just broken the law about...2...5...hum-dee-dum-dum...about 19 times, not counting the "Teddy"s. Don't worry, though, because it's not like he'll--
[edit] NEWS BULLETIN
Business tycoon Ted Turner has just bought Uncyclopedia for $500 million and 250 lbs. of meth.
...Dammit! Nevermind.
[edit] Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola is perhaps the only good thing ever to originate in Atlanta. Its name is derived from the Latin words coca, which means "beverage", and cola, which means "that is so acidic it can put holes in your stomach". In the words of the great philosopher Dave Barry, "I am not making this up." But in all sincerity, Coca-Cola kicks Pepsi's ass. So there.
[edit] Fast Facts for Tourists
1. Coca-Cola was originally created in 1886 as a medicine for headaches. ("I recommend a Coke after every meal for the next, say, two weeks, OK?")
2. The original formula for Coca-Cola includes cocaine. ("Oh, WOW, man!!!")
3. A soda brand made by Coca-Cola and sold in Brazil has enough carbonation to turn a can or bottle of it into a lethal explosive. (OK, not entirely true)
4. The site of the pharmacy that first sold Coca-Cola is now home to a souvenir store. ("Sorry, we don't sell Coke here, but these Official Coca-Cola Brand Bunny Slippers make a great gift!")
[edit] The Georgia Aquarium
This is a more recent addition to the innovative melting pot that is Atlanta. Here is a brief list of the more interesting innovative stuff:
[edit] A Brief List of the More Interesting Innovative Stuff
1. The building, surprisingly, does not belong to Ted Turner...yet...
2. The Georgia Aquarium is the largest aquarium in the world, yet the line to get inside stretches to the Tennessee Aquarium. This allows tourists to enjoy two aquariums instead of just one! How innovative!
3. Two beluga whales and two whale sharks have died in the aquarium. Autopsies show that all four experienced massive brain shrinkage caused by exposure to lethal amounts of a radioactive isotope known as stupidium-1337. The source of the radiation is believed to be the Downtown Connector.
4. The outside of the aquarium appears to be a sinking ship, a look that many tourists consider to be innovative.
5. There are sharks in the petting-zoo tank. How cool and innovative is that?
6. Can you guess where the food court gets its fish? This is an amazing innovation in the fish industry.
[edit] "Tourism" in Atlanta
Many people believe that Atlanta draws many tourists to the above locations. That is inaccurate. In fact, the people seen downtown visiting Coca-Cola and the Aquarium are just travelers who have missed their connection at the Atlanta Airport.
[edit] The Magician
The Magician was Atlanta's least-esteemed resident, aside from Ted Turner, Donovan, and the guy who invented Coca-Cola.... with actual cocaine. Anyway, He'd constantly wow his populace by performing deeds one would think were impossible, such as pulling rabbits out of seemingly empty hats.
It is a widely accepted fact that The Magician was Georgia's most intelligent resident. Sadly, he died an untimely death when a boat he was sailing on was tragically eaten by a freakishly large bass fish. Not even his magic could save him then, because, like all other residents of Atlanta, he hadn't taken the government-offered free "Bass Fish Safety and You" course at the learning annex.
[edit] MARTA
The least expensive way of transit in Atlanta is Marta. But...use at your own risk.
[edit] One Final Note
- Atlanta seems far less innovative if you see the rest of Georgia.
- Jane Fonda has a huge home in this city. Jane Fonda calls Atlanta "a city where nobody buys my workout tapes."
- Atlanta bribed the IOC with Coca Cola and Gloria Estefan to secure the 1996 Centennial Olympics from the Greeks themselves. Atlanta 1996 is now regarded as one of the great Olympic Games of all time, along with the likes of Berlin 1936, Munich 1972 and Moscow 1980.
- Atlanta will be the 2018 host of the Drunk Olympics.
