Atlantis
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“What a babe! Man is she HOT! WOO WOO!!â€
~ Jon Arbuckle on Princess Kidamashnagah
“Hail, Atlantis!â€
~ Donovan on Atlantis, a popular song from 1969
Atlantis is a communist sunken land and is also known as Old Jersey. Happily since the invention of the scuba kit, it has become a thriving tourist destination. It was also the original shooting location of Saturday Night Live, until New York was rebuilt following Canada's Atomic strike on America.
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[edit] History
[edit] Origin
Atlantis was created by Bill Gates, the founder of the gay bar...like totally!!!!
Atlantis sank into the depths of Supermegaginormatropolis sometime between 3000 and 2000 BC, or possibly before 5000 BC, or.... Well, in all honesty, nobody knows when it sank and nobody really cares. Although Greek myths attribute the sinking to Zeus, historians have long debated who sank it and how they did it. One theory holds that it was Col. Mustard with a really, really big candlestick; while another claims it was Professor Plum with a bag of ice cubes and a blowtorch (he wasn't a real professor, by the way: real professors don't go around sinking islands. Heck, darling, he wasn't even a real woman). Yet another theory was it was destroyed by Chompers the goat, famous for the great Austraiial Massacre( after which he proclaimed "Oops...my baaaaaaaaaaddd"). Another widely accepted theory is that the city was demolished by speranah around 15 A.D. Still some think that Lisa Lampanelli happened to be napping on a small country and with her enormous body sank the country into the ocean. The most believable theory, however, is that it was sunk by the Patron Saint of Pwning, Chuck Norris.
Recent evidence, provided by a talking Goat, indicates Atlantis was actually stolen by Asians and moved to the Pacific Ocean either by the technologically advanced civilization of Japan or the resourceful little pygmies of the Philippines. The use of speranah as biological weapons may have played a part.
Evil tongues in Asia whisper however that Atlantis has recently been bought through an obscure deal by The_Man to use Atlantis as an offshore production facility to exploit more children making a second airplane for American Airlines.
[edit] Geography
Some believe it is located in the Mediterranean, but the truth is, it must be in the Atlantic. It's At-Freaking-Lantis, see? Atlantis, Atlantic. The only difference is the c and s.
Others think that it's actually located in the Pacific and was just named Atlantis to mislead stupid white men who to this day haven't found it. ...and they are the only ones looking.
Occasionally Atlantis is moved to Florida and is launched as a space shuttle, but this doesn't happen all that often. Some archaeologists, however, are worried that repeated launchings of the undersea island may result in it exploding, as its o-ring seals have not been replaced for some 9000 years.
[edit] Climate
Some theorists state that Atlantis is indeed wet. Wet like Paris Hilton's panties after she's looked at herself in the mirror naked. Even though it never rains in Atlantis, humidity percent is around 100%. Like the crotch of Paris Hilton, only not quite so hairy.
Others have claimed that since it is at the bottom of the ocean, or underneath it, it is protected by a large glass dome that is composed of an indestructible material. Underneath this heavenly condom-like material, Atlantean's plot and conspire to once again dominate the uncivilized civilizations that we are accustomed to. Because of this, the mere presence of Atlantis has been considered a national threat by the NSA for several years now (see below).
[edit] Operation Nuke-Atlantis
Following several reports of Atlantean's bombarding ships over the Atlantic ocean with bombs made entirely from used missile parts, NSA, along with the Russian and South Korean governments and the Wraith launched a program code-named 'Nuke-Atlantis.' The premise for this strike was made apparent when Russian Leader Slovadan Milochovicz contacted the Atlantean leader (Al Gore) and asked them to stop producing Fusion power and to cease injected Baluga Cavier with hyper-strong strands of the HIV virus. When they refused to do this, all three countries sent Nuclear war-heads to the bottom of the ocean, where they were detonated in unison. Unfortunately, the Atlanteans had developed a force field type device similar to the one's used by the aliens in the movie Independence Day and were left completely unscathed during the siege. Since then peace talks have been initiated, but Russians still receive HIV from having caviar eat them...
[edit] History
The Atlantean civilization was actually founded by Itallian for about 9,000 B.C., or about 11,000 B.C.E., which translates to 13,636 Dollars Canadian, which is 7686.5 Euros, or 133,333,337 Indian Rupees...getting off track here. One thing we do know is that it was long enough ago that creationists don't believe in it. The forefathers of the Atlanteans came to Earth in search of some nookie, having heard that Earth girls are easy. They were not mistaken (oh boy were they not mistaken(!)). The foremothers of the Atlanteans were a bunch of little foretrollops who agreed to go for a ride in a flying saucer and thereafter put out.
After the forefathers of Atlantis found out that they were going to be forefathers, and were unable to convince the foremothers to “get rid of itâ€, they quickly left the planet. About nine months later, the Atlantean civilization was born in what is now a brothel.
The civilization thrived in Hawaii for many centuries, building temples, citadels, palaces, and Wawas. They cultivated a rich, vibrant culture with rituals such as luaus, pig roasts, and some really radical surfing. Finally, the gig was up. According to the official story, the First Atlantis sank into the sea. However, it should be noted that at the time of the alleged sinking, the Atlanteans were under investigation by Hawaii 5-0 for cultivating some funky cash crops. Some historians believe that the island of Atlantis never really sank at all, but was moved over and renamed “Maui†and the cash crops became what is today known as Maui-Wowie.
Following the alleged sinking of the first Atlantis, and the almost certain information that a raid was pending, the Atlanteans decided to lie low for a few centuries. A Second Atlantis was opened on a low-lying island off the coast of Bimini. This island did, in fact, sink into the sea, and the Atlanteans escaped in a Yellow Submarine.
The third and Final Atlantis was erected (snicker) on the volcanic island of Thera, also known as Santana. It is still a mystery why any civilization would choose to establish itself on an active volcano. (see Fucktards), however, some historians speculate that the rent was really low and they had a great balcony. At any rate, establish they did, and, under the watchful leadership of their great Lizard King, Morrison, they built pyramids in honor of their escaping the sinking of the Second Atlantis.
These pyramids were set atop the island’s highest mountain, Mont Ana. In them lived some gods who were later appropriated by the Greeks. The father of these gods was Zeus “the Moose†Olympus, who was mean as hell and had a really short fuse. He was very upset that Scarlett O'Hara dared to build the O'Hara airport next to his mountain. (O'Hara was also known for inventing hula hoop skirts, worn by Hawaiians).
Sometime after 1700 B.C., but before 1966 A.D., the Atlanteans did something that really pissed off Zeus. Legend has it that they offended his daughter, Artemis, by drawing a picture of her with lots of boobies. However, Myth has it that they ran out of wine with which to offer libations to Zeus, and instead used some really cheap American beer, possibly Milwaukee’s Best or Stag. Rumor does not have it.
Anyway, Zeus caused the entire island to asplode, fall over, and sink into the sea, in that order. Those Atlanteans who did not fry, suffocate, or drown, get surprise buttsecks or become Scientologists respectively, escaped to neighboring islands like the LBI, New Jersey and Wildewood, where they founded the great Nation of New Jersey.
Other theories suggest that the Midget Arson great Sir Edward McShortstuff burned the city. In an effort to extinguish the flames the residents flooded the city entirely. It is not known for sure the truth of this theory as McShortstuff was also rumored to have killed Elvis Presley. This was found untrue.
Later evidence found in 2001 that a race of Filipino squaters actually moved into the main city, bullied the populace out of the country, ransacked it, destroyed everything, moved the whole place to the Pacific Ocean (where it stays to this day as a festering metropolis), and renamed it Philippines.
The remaining Atlanteans were scattered like Dustin the Wind, occasionally turning up for an occasional guest appearance on Hollywood Squares.
At 2003 Atlantis has won Most true country of the world competition. Afghanistan took second place.
It was also discovered after a USA raid in 2004 that Saddam Hussein has a secret stash of Potting Mix hidden somewhere in Atlantis. Unbeknownst to him, Filipinos already smoked it all. Damn jews.
When S.P.A.M. was created in 2005, many people began to fan out, searching for possible global disasters to blame the little bastards on in an attempt to stop PETA
after the famous sinking of Atlantis the hollish decided they should build a city ontop of atlantis which is called Almere but after the big tsunami Almere got swept away and now atlantis is clearly visible if one dares to go to the depths of almere which is right in the amesfoortse fault.
Contrary to common belief, the "Atlantis" seen in the tv show "Stargate Atlantis"(which was created to satisfy the rioters who threatened to destroy the planet with super-aids[which is closely related to the virus that makes people into zombies]because of Andrew Dean Richardson's temporary disappearance into an unknown realm somewhere in the pussy-country of Andora), is not actually the city we know of that sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean (scientists still debate whether this was caused by Greek Gods or Norse Gods...or the Roman Gods which were just Greek Gods with different names) but it was actually just an abandoned outpost of Dr. Evil. It is also a widely-believed fact that the city in the tv show was temporarily used as a summer home by Neo, Gandalf, and a particular evil strawberry (which is known to eat babies), but the three soon abandoned the city due to giant whales that were composed of approximately 96.7319374% AIDS.
[edit] Lawsuit Against Atlantis
Atlantis is currently under a lawsuit from Awesome land for copyright infringement for stealing Awesome land mythology then not mentioning any part of it.
[edit] Culture
What can certainly be determined from the archaeological record is that the Atlanteans had a written language, a code of laws, and a thoroughly developed philosophy: “shit happensâ€. They have also left us with a number of famous myths, including the “Tale of the Hypodermic Needle in the Phone Boothâ€, the “Epic of Goulashâ€, and “Of Course I Was a Virgin When We Met.â€
Out of the many languages spoken and created by atlantians, those of which being Latin, Pig latin, Horse latin, French, Pig french, Fish french, Om num num, Ubbie Dubbie (Later stolen and copywrited by the evil, godless incorporation Zoom), Ubbie Flubbie and French-Chicken-Horse-Latin, Om num num is the only surviving Atlantian language in existence today which is spoken on a daily basis by Oscar Wilde and the Pentecostal Church.
In addition, Reggae was invented in Atlantis by Mozart in 1497 B.C. (Canadian), and is still the driving force in popular Atlantean entertainment to this day. Or would be, if they hadn't pissed off Zeus.
[edit] Aftermath
With the exception of the aforementioned Fucktards, the surviving descendants of the Atlanteans were a bunch of sneaky, conniving bastards. They were responsible for founding such evil organizations as the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, and France. If you see one, turn out the lights, pull the shades, and pretend you are not home until he goes away. No, wait, that’s the Jehovah's Witnesses. Anyway, you get the idea. Also they founded the evil miners union of 1929
[edit] Military
The military might of Atlantis consists of thousands of men, bent on the destruction of Not So Awesome Land, seeing as Lord Babin the 3rd beat them in a game of poker. They are armed with plastic knives supplied by the *cough* Canadian forces.
[edit] The Great Atlantis War
Atlantis first was the home base for Michael Vick's Dog Fighting arena. But due to the pressure of the Canadian dollar, he had to stop. Michael Vick soon raised an army of sadistic dog killing people (Bush Administration) and invaded both nations. American troops slipped on all the maple syrup on the ambassador bridge, thus hindering the invasion of Canada. The Americans were ready to nuke Atlantis, but Osama Bin Laden challenged them to a game of hide n' go seek, terrorist style. This spared Atlantis, but their building was blown up by Iran (Who says Iran and America can't work together). But the Wraith successfully defeat Atlantis 23 years later. That's the number Jim Carrey: 23!!
[edit] See also
- Atlantis II (a.k.a New Orleans), the new baby brother of Atlantis which took only 2,000-5,000 years to be born...
- Stargate Atlantis, describing how dikes can be built in order to survive a Tsunami, and how to travel between galaxies.
- Om num num
- Philippines
- Pen Island
- Worst 100 Locations of All Time
Categories: Geography | Places | New Orleans | Flooded
