Atomic wedgie
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“GAAAAAAAAH!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on recieving the first Atomic Wedgie from Robert Oppenheimer
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[edit] Description
The Atomic Wedgie is a painful wedgie in which the victim is lifted off by the sheer force of having their underwear pulled up while wearing them. An alternative Atomic Wedgie, known as the A Posteriori Effect, occurs when the victim's underwear is pulled from the rear with such force that the underwear is sufficiently stretched to reach over the victim's forehead. Either manoever is immediately debilitating, with the latter having the additional result of raising the victim's vocal range temporarily as well as exposing victims to the ridicule of their peers as they convulse about on ground. The atomic wedgie is not imposible but is very hard to pull off.
--72.82.26.186 19:49, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
== History ==
Although the typical wedgie has its' own long and illustrious history, few are aware of the origins of the Atomic Wedgie. The following is a brief historical overview:
- 1944: Robert Oppenheimer delivers the first Atomic Wedgie immediately after the first nuclear test, as a result of an ill-considered remark by Oscar Wilde.
- 1952: Spies executing an Atomic Wedgie on then-Canadian Prime Minister William Lyon McKenzie King cause him to cancel the Avro Arrow project, and put the remaining research money into creating poutine.
- 1980: In an instance where life predates art, a neighbour describes to the National Enquirer how Steven Jobs and Bill Wozniak would give each other massive wedgies while drunk in Wozniak's garage. It is thus widely believed that these Atomic Wedgies led not only to the creation of the first Apple computer, but were probably also the grist for the Beavis and Butthead cartoon series which came out some twenty years later. The question of whether Jobs was the inspiration for Butthead or not is one which has enthralled cultural historians for almost a decade now.
- 1995: A practical joke by an engineer's coworkers involving a bicycle and an Atomic Wedgie is suspected to have resulted in the Segway.
- 2004: In the most widely-viewed application of the Atomic Wedgie, George W. Bush gives one to Colin Powell on national television after the latter stepped down from the Secretary of State position.
- 2008: An American teenager gives his 12 year old brother an atomic wedgie, locks him in a closet for 2 days.
- 2008: 13 year old successfully makes atomiic wedgie under wear
[edit] Physiological Implications
Human consequences of the application of the Atomic Wedgie have received considerable scientific study, likely owing to the frequency of administration of such measures in environments where repressed invidividuals are likely to congregate (kindergardens, grade schools, research laboratories, etc).
Some of the signs and symptioms in victims have been identified. These would include:
- Immediate onset of acute pain; pain subsides when underwear pressure is eased.
- Immediate onset of changes to vocal patterns, manifesting in raised tonalities of such patters, and usually lowered volumes; vocal performance recovers after pressure is eased, but tonality make take some time to return to normal ranges.
- Underwear rendered unusable after application of wedgie.
- Latent pain in genital area, known as undie burn
- Loss of underwear
- Loss of pants, if prior occurs and is obvious.
- Fact: Jennifer Lopez's butt is the only arse known to be capable of withstanding an atomic wedgie with no side effects.
Interestingly, researchers have also noted sympathetic secondary effects to individuals within a particular radius of the application of such a wedgie. This radius has become known as the Wedgie Horizon and appears to vary with the force of the wedgie applied. Within the Wedgie Horizon, the following physiological reactions have been noted:
- Rapid onset of laughter
- Unexpected urination (likely related to previous reaction)
- Male onlookers experiencing sympathetic pain to their genital areas while watching victim thrash about on floor immediately following application of Atomic Wedgie.
- Considerable cultural discussion follwing event.
- Running away and hiding. ***NOTE*** only used if person is linked to the receiver or below happens.
- More wedgie occurring because people want to be "cool".
[edit] Variations
Given that this area has received considerable study in the past, here are some unanticipated but well-documented alternative wedgie techniques which provide significant impact, similar to that of the Atomic Wedgie.
- The Mervin or squeaky clean wedgie is similar in magnitude to the Atomic Wedgie but involves lifting the victim's underwear from front and back sides simultaneously.
- The Skirt/Bilateral Modification begins identically to the Mervin Wedgie but finishes by pulling down both sides of the underwear outside of the pants, such that these appear as a skirt.
- The Dental Floss Wedgie uses both front and rear underwear sides like the Mervin Wedgie, but involves the application of these in an alternating fashion, such as one would use dental floss. This technique is known for causing additional chafing of the genital area, and as such is likely to have a longer-term impact on the victim.
- The hanging wedgie the hanging wedgie is correctly executed when the ictim is lifted off the ground by his rear waist band and is hung on any object which is suitable to hold the underwear and the victim can not touch the floor in this case the victim is subject to much pain and will not be able to stop the wedgie until he is released or his underwear rips another variation of this is when the victims hands are tied together (bondage wedgie).
[edit] Prevention
The debilitating effects of the Atomic Wedgie are uncontroversial. As a service to other Uncyclopedians we present steps that can be taken to reduce the likelihood of a successful application of an Atomic Wedgie - especially for folks like you.
- Don't wear underwear. This can preclude success of the wedgie attempt, but be aware that it can lead to other unanticipated results. Like having your pants pulled down. Worst day I ever had.
- Run, muthafucka, run! If you detect that you are likely to be the recipient of a wedgie attempt, leave the area as soon as possible. This may not be possible if you are outnumbered. Second worst day I ever had.
- Preemption Doctrine. Also known as First Strike, you can seize initiative by applying the Atomic Wedgie manoever onto whomever you believe is mostly likely to apply it to you.
- MAW. Should it appear unlikely that an aggressor can be deterred from attempting to apply wedgie techniques on your ass, their focus can allow you as the potential victim to take advantage of the short period of time that the aggressor is likely to be distracted as they attempt to reach your underpants, thus allowing you to reach for theirs at the same time and execute Mutually Assured Wedgies. It is critical to note that this technique will likely be unsuccessful if you are approached from the back side, so it is vital to remain oriented towards the aggressor at all times.
- Wear boxers. This way is helpful, as even if you get a wedgie, you get a bit more popular. This will cause prevention of any future wedgies. Your friends may decide to pants you afterwards, however. Unfortunately, the boxers may come down with the underwear. Solution; wear boxers one day and wear briefs another. WARNING! THIS MAY BECOME A VICIOUS CYCLE OF WEDGIES AND/OR PANTSING!
[edit] The Future
As researchers everywhere continue to ponder the significance and long term impact of wedgie application to the human future, Uncyclopedia will continue to provide an important outlet for such critical information.
[edit] Acknowledgements
The author gratefully acknowleges the previous work on this article carried out by other Uncyclopedists, as well as the numerous other researchers in the field of Wedgie Dynamics, and in particular the Emili Lab where many of these techniques were practiced and refined.
“The perfect holiday gift”
~ Oscar Wilde on Atomic Wedgies
“Bill, stop squirming, dammit!”
~ Steve Balmer on applying Atomic Wedgies to friends, coworkers, and CEOs of large corporations
