Attila the Hun
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Bless him for seeing past the skin and into the soul, bless him for fisting and being fisted by all of God's creatures! And how ironic that his mother should have named him after my dog!â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Attila the Hun
....
“Arrrghhh! Eeeek! No, not the pottery!!â€
~ Roman Empire on Attila the Hun
Attila the Hun (Ukrainian: Гатило, Hatylo) was the most vicious pirate captain in the known universe, who almost brought about the end of the Trade Federation and Romulan Empire in the (0+4i)-th century. His swashbuckling, lootings, murders and general bad manners would also influence such legendary seafaring criminals as LeChuck, Captain Hook and Gandhi, who openly declared themselves "Attila's pupils". Attila was reputed for his exceptional leadership skills, which allowed him to assemble the largest pirate crew of his day --- two billion people and a goat --- and threaten entire planets. He eventually made a starship capable of time travel and developed the Death Star several thousand years ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Contents |
[edit] Starting Out
Attila was born in 3+4i B.C., brother to Jabba the Hutt and Pizza the Hutt, another scourge of the galaxy. Growing up on the planet of Ungaria he joined the Thieves Guild at the age of 17. By the time he was 24 he had assembled a huge army of pirates, thieves and green jelly things from the warrior world of Mucosa. It was the largest army involving green jelly things of the day, but the future held even greater legions for Attila to command.
Perched precariously upon a small space gondola --- for a young Attila, spending all efforts on recruiting, had forgotten to get a bigger ship --- this fearsome force of destruction battled the army of the great Ronin Galactic Empire at the nebula rift of Elysean Fields. By a fluke of destiny, the entire Ronin armada ran Microsoft Windows 95, and the oxygen system had crashed years before, killing all the crew. Attila's men, however, blinded by frothing bloodthirst, never noticed this, and fiercely attacked the corpses. After three days' battle (or cadaver-bashing as some scholars prefer it), the pirates emerged unsurprisingly victorious, with only a couple hundred (mysterious) casualties on their side. They attributed their easy triumph to Attila's leadership, and from then on he had enough of a reputation to get actually competent minions --- which greatly helped his later conquests.
[edit] Later Exploits
Atilla's legendary two-billion-people-and-a-goat horde was carefully gathered from the most skilled and vicious cutthroats to navigate the Seven Trillion Seas, and it had but two purposes: to destroy the Empire, and have a good time while at it.
One unforeseen complication of his plan was purely logistic: the transportation of an army of two billion and one soldiers to the battlefield on Uranus would consume massive amounts of resources, and deplete the energy in his gigantic pirate ship, the Little Mermaid. (It is still unknown why Attila would always refuse having more than one ship at any time.)
Living up to the legends of his military genius, Atilla employed one of the older tricks in the book (though not the oldest): he tied a US$ 20 bill to the end of an optic fiber many light-years in length, propelled it to Uranus, dangled it a bit in front of his enemies, and then gradually reeled them in through a series of well-timed jerks on the fiber. When his enemies arrived, not only did he have surprise on his side, but the adversary's morale had dropped substantially from being duped by such and old trick.
He thus defeated Darthos Vaderus, the empire's general, and set out to carve an empire of his own. After four years of war on peaceful people he managed to conquer the mystical world of Dune (also known as Arrakuza) and with the help of its psionic minions he ocupied most of the galaxy. He established his capitol on the small moon of Vulcan called Trantor from which he ruled for 20,000 years until the fall of his empire and the founding of the Foundation.
Atilla the hun is everywhere
[edit] Greatest Battle
Atilla's greatest battle came in the year 600 A.D.
He and his army of 16,000 Barbarians fought against the might of the Persian Army.
His men charged the Persian Elephants while riding Unicorns and as they collided, the unicorn's horn went directly into the elephant's heart, killing them instantly. His archers stood on the backs of camels and reigned down arrows of death upon their enemies. the tips of the arrows were dipped in: anthrax, feces, decaying rodents, "the plague", viruses, gold, fire, and small bits of arabian food. Later on in his life, Attila was almost convicted of war crimes because subjecting anyone to arabian food is a crime punishable by death. Attila had a huge sword made of moonstone which would normally crush anyone it fell upon. The Persian army advanced their pikemen along the east side, but Attila was a genius and had already dug a pit there in which they all fell in one by one. Attila destroyed the Persian army of 120,000 and he captured the king and made him a Eunich. Long live Attila!
[edit] Anal Fisting
Like most great political and military leaders, Attila the Hun was a veritable glutton for anal fisting. His contemporaries often compared his appetite to a bottomless, lightless abysm, wherein anything would vanish; those same contemporaries would also often be decapitated for the crime of terrible puns.
Whatever his faults, Attila made the anal fisting hall of fame for tearing down interspecies barriers in the stifling anal fisting culture of the time. The atmosphere was still very conservative around 20+4i A.D., and anal fisters would coagulate into very homogeneous groups. Mr Hun effectively challenged the reigning hipocrisy by standing at noon in the middle of Trafalgar Square, London, and being anally fisted by an Ewok. That's not entirely correct; he wasn't standing, but on all fours.
The Victorian high society, accustomed to arranged anal fistings between wealthy families, could not tolerate, nor even comprehend, the audacity of "this Hun character", and shut him out, vowing never to invite him to another of their "mahvelous pahties". Fortunately, being a pirate, he could not care less, and beheaded and looted half of Victorian society, having the other half anally fisted by his Ewok buddy.
The rest of the galaxy, scared shitless, soon accepted interspecies anal fisting...
