Aubrey Beardsley

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Beardsley remembers a time at which he weighed more than 2 stone.

[edit] Early Life

Aubrey Beardsley, important artist, was born in Algiers in 1872, the waifish bastard son of Toulouse Lautrec and a woman of unknown origin whose blood-vomiting abilities were later chronicled by Dario Argento in the film Susperia. His mother's crack-den-cum-brothel dwelling proved disadvantageous for Beardsley's frail fetal tissues, as he tragically developed an opiate addiction before he had even exited the womb. His misfortunes were many, and his mother's gaping vagina dentata kept him awake nightly with its horrid gnashing, forcing him at the age of 7 to develop tuberculosis out of spite.

The sorrow wrought within him by his difficult childhood was soon abated by the realization that he could parlay this unfortunate domestic situation into a career. Painting only the difficult reality of his own life, he began doing portraits of penises from an early age, slyly referring to them as "p33ntraits" in his more serious moments. He used nothing other than his own distinctive nose for a model. This resulted in no one knowing that these were pictures of penises at all.

[edit] The Salome Incident

Beardsley drew 40,842 of these phallic masterpieces by the time he had reached the age of 9. He decided to send an especially provocative offering to Oscar Wilde in the hope that he might receive an angry letter. Instead, this parcel was met with the enthusiastic suggestion that he haste to Blighty forthwith. Wilde was in great need of a nose portraitist for his new play Nostralia, a transgressive piece concerned with Australian national identity, as well as the erotic capabilities of the nasal canal.

By the time Beardsley received the letter, he was of legal age (10 in Algiers), so he hopped on the boat to London. Having reached the city, he soon found himself utilizing the many pleasures that it had to offer. As these were mainly restricted to opium and rent boys, they were not too far removed from those he had enjoyed at home. The sole difference proved to be found within his alliance with Wilde, as he soon introduced him to the luxuries of velvet suits and the concept of humour, which were far too expensive back home. Around this time, Beardsley began to be influenced by the Art Nouveau craze that was taking Europe by storm. This at first resulted in the production of ambiguous images of flowers, squiggly lines, and unicorns, but as his drug use reached its most crazed stage, he began producing prints which took his childhood memories as their inspiration. This explains the topic of his most famous work, The Climax, which is based on the instance in which his mother was seen to decapitate a fellow prostitute after winning a bet involving her ability to float in mid-air.

After receiving these sketches, which were sadly lacking in patriotic Australian nasal imagery, Wilde was forced to restructure his play in its entirity in order to spare his dying friend the pain of disappointment, conceeding that Australian nose-sex "wasn't a very good idea for a play anyway". This masterpiece was to become Salome, and is still regarded today as the Sleepless in Seattle of its generation.

[edit] Later Life

After completing the work for Salome, his only published work of any importance, Beardsley would finally give in to the consumption that had been plaguing him since the age of 2. Shortly prior, however, he served a short stint as a Catholic monk, joining the Order of St. Sebastian the Tormented. This was perhaps his way of making up for a life of dissipation, as he would be given the Last Rites when he passed away. However, he may be in Hell anyway, as he died wearing a hideous black suit and white collar ensemble.

[edit] Legacy

A typical fan of Beardsley's work.

Beardsley left behind roughly 209,482,383 prints, most of which were still lying in his former hovel of residence until the 1960s, when filthy creatures (hippies) began to admire them for their discrete references to drugs and overt allusions to depraved sexual practices. The hippies got jobs as museum curators, and Beardsley's works have been valued within certain circles ever since.

Michael Jackson has said of his works, "I find his portraits of noses strangely delightful".

The term "beardsleying" was invented the day after Beardsley's death. No one knows what it means, but it's probably disgusting.

[edit] Useful Links

Lies and Filth

A Distinctive Nose Portrait