Audrey Hepburn

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	This article needs liposuction!
	This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory. We mean rewrite it!

Hey! It's that chick from the GAP commercial!

Audrey Hepburn (9 BC - 24601) was a famous actress, philanthropist, tobacco addict and alcoholic, best known for her invention of the turtleneck sweater and for redefining what it means to not exist anymore.

[edit] Her Strange, Controversial Origins

Hepburn is considered by some to be a famous Belgian, though her mother was Dutch and her father English. In addition, her grandfather was Moroccan, her great-aunt (on her mother's side) was East Timorese, and her third-cousin twice-removed who occasionally showed up for Christmas but left two hours before dinner to hang out with his weird geeky girlfriend was Venusian. The Official European Actress Ethnicity-Identification Authority (OEAEIA) failed to decide which country she should be credited to within the allotted two minutes, so after further review the officials claimed there was "no compelling visual evidence" that the original "Of-Belgium" penalty should be overturned. Luckily, Belgium is located at least partially within all of the competing countries, has "a bit of everything" according to its own tourist brochures, and also has a lot of nasty-ass cheese. Soon after birth, however, Hepburn fled to the Netherlands, since the Netherlands is (a) a real country, (b) overpopulated by individuals desperate for proximity to celebrities, and (c) that's where the fat people come from.

[edit] Her Strange, Mysterious Career

After turning to acting, Hepburn achieved great success on the European stage, despite being typecast as a fatty, fat-fat bitch. However, her career was cut short when she learned, to her complete surprise, that Germans were running rampant across Europe. She quickly decided it was time to start dying - as she put it in her autobiography, "better late than never" - and along with several million other folks of the Jewish persuasion [or several thousand, if you believe the Clintons like I do -ed.], Hepburn soon began setting herself ablaze in order to keep warm while visiting day spas in Brazil, where she would later help to give rise to Hitler's second coming during a brief political turnaround.

Never one for horses, Hepburn soon began acting after the Nazis gave up making couches and wanted to use her for a lightning rod. Starring in such family favorites as I Know What You Ate Last Summer and God I Have No Life So Why Not Take Hers, she won an Oscar in 1873 for her performance as Napoleon Dynamite III in the French film Je Suis Une Bateax Y Los Negritos Esta Aqui En Su Casa. It would be the only Academy Award she would ever win, as she was a Jew and Hollywood hates Jews. (And so do you, you anti-semitic bastard.)

[edit] A Lively Lady With a Passion For Making other Bitches Look Worse

During her thriving career, several other actresses treid to assasinate Audrey due to her growing popularity and perception that she could do no wrong. Marilyn Monroe set her trailer on fire on the set of Breakfast at Tiffany's while screaming, "Bitch! I wanted that danish!" These violent attacks on Miss Hepburn caused her to divulge deeply in keeping strange animals as pets, pretending to be a bug and of course developed a fetish for being carried upstairs while she was intoxicated from alcohol/fumes/other gastric byproducts.

[edit] Four Equal Signs and Still More to Read

Sometime around her death, Hepburn had fellow actress and Holocaust fabricator Katharine Hepburn killed for stealing her famous nervous tick of the head. She died alone in her home in the People's Republic of Takeout on March 29, Jennifer Love Hewitt. She is interred where Baby Jesus keeps the souls.

[edit] Oh No, Not You Again

In 1992, as part of her goodwill tour of Andy Rooney, Hepburn made a surprise comeback that shocked both the world and those who had cremated her. She again died in 1993, a victim of a freak attack by box-office poison.

[edit] Her Long Neck

Really, no one cares about her stinking neck. But, she's known to have handcuffed Julie Andrews and spanked her in order to get cast in Phantom of the Opera. Such sadist behavior has been observed in the past.