Augustus
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“He didn't really restore the Republic, you know.”
~ Captain Obvious on Augustus
“He took away the power of the Senate and ignored the liberties of the people? Sounds like the kind of guy I'd invite to the Lincoln Bedroom...for a small fee of course..”
~ Bill "Slick Willie" Clinton on Augustus
Caesar Augustus (or just plain Augustus) is the famous hero of E. Gibbon’s novel The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. The novel follows Augustus as he travels around the fictional Roman Empire in the land of Middle Earth and charts his ascension and final obtaining of the Royal Throne of Rome.
Contents |
[edit] Plot (Spoiler Warning: the following passages contains spoilers!)
The story begins with Augustus being given a magic ring by the mystic wizard Julius Caesar engraved with the words, “quisquis hoc fert, ille rex erit.” Instructed by Caesar to protect the ring at all costs Augustus heads off into the secluded marshland of Italia to hide from the forces of the evil count Marc Antony. Marc Antony has discovered the existence of the ring and is thus greatly desirous of it, convinced that its power will ensure his claim to the throne of Rome.
Accompanied only by his trusty companion Lepidus the Leper and his faithful dog Toto, Augustus soon wearies of the harsh existence living in the marshes. He is caught up in a massive tornado and whisked away to the land of Caesar's arch-nemesis the Wizard of Oz. Pursued by Oz's evil servants, Dorothy and the Munchkins (members of a nihilist punk band), Augustus meets a Lion, a Tin-man and a Scare-crow and with their help reaches the Emerald Tower, the home of Oz. There follows what has been called "the most violent passage of any piece of literature ever written" by famous book-critic Richard Madeley. When Toto is captured and mutilated Augustus bursts into the tower and violently slaughters Dorothy and the Munchkins, he then chops off Dorothy's feet to make into a pair of red slippers. Bursting into Oz's chamber Augustus batters him to death with his own staff. At the end of this passage Augustus blows the building up and as he walks away utters the immortal line: "Veni, vidi, vici" before lighting a cigarette.
Meanwhile the wizard Caesar has travelled to the distant land of Egyptor to try and discover whatever the inscription on the ring might mean by trawling through the public library at Alexandria. As a result of discovering he has left his library card at home in Rome, Caesar attempts to break into the library but is caught by the guard of chief librarian Cleopatra. Brought before the beautiful Cleopatra, Caesar manages to seduce her and whilst she is asleep, he steals her library pass and sneaks into the library. In the library Caesar finds the ancient Sybilline book, which tells him the meaning of the ring. In an attempt to steal the book Caesar swaps it for a bag of carefully weighted sand and tries to run out of the library; Caesar is unaware that the library is booby-trapped and he has to contend with a flight for survival encountering falling doors, poisoned arrows and a giant ball before finally emerging at the exit. Outside, however, Caesar is faced with Antony and a thousand local Amazons who promptly steal the book from him. Pursued by the Amazons Caesar escapes on a bi-plane waiting on a nearby lake.
Fleeing back to Rome Caesar attempts a shortcut through the evil mine of Curia, there he encounters the Daemon Cassius and the Orc King Brutus who, after a struggle, slay him by throwing him into a pit of rampant and sexually deprived chihuahas.
Learning of the death of Caesar and learning that Antony, now also in league with Cleopatra the librarian and jazz musician Miles Davis, is raising an army in the wicked land of Greece to the East, Augustus uses the power of the ring to try to raise an army of all the free peoples in Italy in a last-ditch alliance to end tyranny and draw a line in the sand for democracy.
The two armies meet near a small town named Actium and in the climax of the book a massive battle is fought in which Augustus’ army, despite being out-numbered 100-1, comes through victorious thus ensuring the freedom of the Western peoples for all eternity. During the battle several important characters are killed, Miles Davis "scats" Lepidus to death only to be killed,in turn, by a knife wielding David Starkey who was also present at the battle. In a final act to ensure the complete destruction of Antony, Augustus throws the ring into the fire of the Great Lighthouse of Alexandria. The power of Antony is destroyed and he and Cleopatra disappear. Augustus is crowned king of the free peoples and rules over a prosperous and happy kingdom.
End of Spoilers.
[edit] Quotes
Things said by Augustus include:
· “Veni, vidi, vici”
· “Alea iacta est”
· “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?”
· “It’s alive!”
· “Jane, you ignorant slut.”
· “Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!”
· “Hasta la vista, baby”
· “Quid?”
[edit] Trivia
· Gibbon’s novel is considered one of the classic novels of all time, for this reason it and the character of Augustus himself are studied in Classics.
· Augustus is thought to have been loosely based on the real-life historical figure of Luke Skywalker, a general in the Star Wars. Gibbon himself never commented on this.
· On release the book was boycotted by many members of society protesting at the unfair portrayal of daemons in the book. Many thought the assassination of Caesar by Cassius and Brutus was an unnecessary feature.
· Further protestations also followed about what was deemed excessive violence in the Emerald Tower passage. Gibbon excused this by claiming he wished to show that every hero has a dark side and this passage shows Augustus’.
· Augustus features in the 2001 film adaptation of the book by director Peter Jackson entitled “The Lord of the Rings.” The film was a critical and commercial flop.
· Augustus is also a character in a film showing the events of the Emerald Tower from the Wizard of Oz’s point of view entitled “The Matrix”.
. Augustus also stared in the orignal Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory film as Augustus gloop. He landed the part after director Mel stuart was invited to the imperial palace for a Augustus's 183rd birthday party. Mel stuart was impressed by Caesors towering appetite and decided he would be perfect for the part. This was the part that kick started Augustus's formidable acting career.
| Preceded by: Democracy | Roman Emperor 1810-1874 | Succeeded by: Dictatorship |
[edit] See Also
[edit] Links
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/August
