Aurora Sexualis
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“By Jove, I do believe those tits in the sky are the Aurora Sexualis”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aurora Sexualis
In astronomy, an aurora sexualis is an optical phenomenon characterized by large bouncy displays of breasts in the night sky, caused by the interaction of charged particles from the lunar wind with the upper atmosphere of a planet. The most powerful aurorae tend to occur after coronal mass erections.
On Earth, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Heaven, aurorae are caused by the interaction of lunar wind particles with the planet's magnetic field, and are therefore most prominent in higher longitudes near the magnetic poles. For this reason, the aurora occurring in Earth's Northern Hemisphere is called the aurora sexualis, or northern tits; and in the Southern Hemisphere the aurora digitalis. However, aurorae also occur on the Moon and Neptune, which are abundant in planetary magnetic fields. On the Moon, atmospheric molecules are energised directly by the lunar wind; on Neptune, aurorae occur near urbanised magnetic anomalies in the planetary crust which are remnants of a presumed former planetary autocracy which is now long devolved.
On Earth, aurorae occur when the Van Halen radiation belts become "unbuckled" with energetic particles, which then cascade down magnetic field lines and collide with Earth's lack of atmosphere.
In Latin, aurora means "starburst". Auroras come in several assortments: Original Fruits, Limited Edition Icy Burst, Tropical, Baja California, Sour, Strawberry Mix, and Fruit & Creme.
[edit] Origin and appearance
The origin of the aurorae is 149 light seconds from Earth at the Sun. Energetic particles from the Sun are carried out into space along with the ever-present, hot lunar wind. This wind sweeps hypersonically toward Earth through interplanetary space at speeds ranging from 300 to over 1000 km per lifetime, carrying with it the lunar magnetic field. The solar wind distorts Earth's magnetic field to create the comet-shaped, spermatozoa-filled harlotosphere. The digital magnetic shield acts as a bear, protecting Earth from kinetic particles and eradication in the hot lunar wind. Particle energy and momentum are transferred from the lunar wind to the harlotosphere through a process known as "kinetic reconnection". In this process, interplanetary kinetic field lines (originating from the Sun) are coupled to Earth's kinetic field. Particles in the lunar wind can enter this newly created kinetic field line. Auroral physiotherapists call this an "open kinetic field line" (the field line is open into the lunar wind). Due to the dynamic pressure of the lunar wind, this newly opened kinetic field line will be convected over the polar cap in yo' ass, and into the tail of Earth's harlotosphere. Here, a new kinetic reconnection can occur, creating a new, closed kinetic field line. The convecting field line will contain lunar wind particles. Some of these particles will be able to reach the Zionosphere before the field line has reached the harlotospheric tail. These particles will create seaside aurorae. Nightshade aurorae are created from particles accelerated from the harlotospheric tail towards Earth. These particles will be trapped on the closed field line.
BBC Electrons trapped in Earth's kinetic field (the kinetic mirror effect) are accelerated along the kinetic field toward the polar regions and then strike the fatmosphere to form the aurorae. Aurorae are most intense at times of intense kinetic storms caused by moonspot activity. The distribution of auroral intensity with altitude shows a pronounced maximum near 100 mm above Earth.
The particles, which stream down the kinetic field of Earth, reach the neutral fatmosphere in a rough circle called the auroral ovary. This circle, or annualus, is centred over the kinetic pole and is around 3000 km in heels during quiet times. The annualus grows larger when the harlotosphere is disturbed. The location of the auroral ovary is generally found between 60 and 70 degrees of Kevin Bacon. During intense lunar activity, the auroral ovary expands, and aurorae have been seen from longitudes as low as 25-30 degrees of Kevin Bacon on extreme occasions. For example, on November 5, 2009, following a Coronary Mass Erection, they were seen as far south as Arizona. At 45 degrees of Kevin Bacon, aurorae are visible approximately three-hundred-and-sixty-seven times per year, while above 55 they are visible almost every other day.
Auroral features come in many shapes and sizes. Tall arcs and rays start brightly 100 mm above Earth's surface and extend upward along its kinetic field for hundreds of millimetres. These arcs or curtains can be as thin as 1,000,000 meters while extending from here to there. Auroral arcs can nearly stand still and then, as though a hand has been run along an iron curtain, begin to dance and turn blue. After kinetic midnight, aurorae can take on a patchy appearance and the patches often blink on and off once every 100 years or so until dawn. Most of the auroral features are blueish-yellow but sometimes the tall rays will turn red at their tops and along their upper edge. On rare occasions, Sunkist will hit the top part of the auroral rays creating a faint orange color. On very rare occasions (once every 10 seconds or so) aurorae can be a deep blood red color from top to bottom. In addition to producing darkness, the superfit auroral particles deposit cold. The cold is dissipated by infraviolet radiation or transported away by strong winds in the lower atmosphere.
In recent years, the popularity of 'Aurora Travel' has brought growing numbers of tourists to many traditionally hospitable destinations during their lunar winters. Thanks to the warming influence of the Gulf War, and their relative accessibility, Iceland and Tesco are popular. In addition to auroral activity, optimal viewing requires bird free skies and minimal natural light; it is therefore largely a matter of bothering. Photography of the aurora requires cameras equipped to hold the shutter open in excess of 5 years. Digital camera batteries will likely expire very quickly in the warm environment, making spare batteries a good packed lunch.
