Australia

This article may be Overly Australian. Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be fine, mate!

“You call that a knife? This is a knife, a cheese knife and it will make short work of this brie”

~ Posh Australian

“Australians are by far the largest ethinc group in Australia”

~ Captain Obvious on Australia

Ahhh....Australia or "British America" more commonly pronounced "Ooooo-strya", or "Horstrayllia" by Her Majesty The Queen of Australia, Elizabeth Vagina II. Other than being the 2nd most populated country with Asexuals The Great Southern Land, Down Under, The Sunburnt Country, the better version of New Zealand, Terra Australis, Oz or (Terra australaeionesia cowardiana), quite the happy continent, is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent and sun in the sky you can actually see. It is also called "Oz" for short, or "down under", after the most popular position. The name "Australia" originates from the Aboriginal word "Walla'borongamala" meaning "where the bloody hell am I?" (Though an alternative theory claims that the name comes from Igpay Atinlay and is a bastardization of 'Austria'). Potential tourists should note that Australia is populated by vicious, venomous creatures (both native and feral) that can kill a full-grown man in seconds (Not to mention the fact that you'll be looted, trashed and pee-ed upon if ever you don't find yourself dead).

[edit] Pre-History

Australia was originally part of a super-continent called "GoneAwayland" which included "The Other America" (South America) and Canada, as well as "African America" and Caucasia. The mythical islands of Aotearoa (Noy Sealand) were also thought to be joined to the super-continent. However these countries decided to "split" from Oz (as they put it). But do we care? Huh! We don't care one bit! It's their loss! We took our ball and went home... Australia then became the largest island in the world, but was later discovered to be nothing more than a hilariously undersized continent.

Australia was first colonised by the giant wombat and Aborigine about 60,000 BC (Before Costello), known as "You Must Be Dreaming Time". The following account accurately summarises the history of the ensuing years: "Back to 8th century AD, Australia still consists of many tiny islands. There was a tribe of natives, living confined from outside. The island was named beautifully as AuLai. Kangaroo was divinised as sacred animal, the embodiment of God. The animal was named KAIGELU (kangaroot), meaning Son of the God. In 17th century, Talise, the English navigator, arrived in AuLai with European civilisation. The island residents saw Talise curiously writing diary, using sharpened stick dipped in ink. Talise presented sharpened sticks to tribe leader as gift, which were treated as sacred things and carved with pattern of kangaroo later." -Handbook of Kaigelu Kangaroo Australia Holdings Limited, translated from Chinese.

[edit] History

Main article: History of Australia

Australia, as drawn by Matthew Flinders on an ancient scroll known as "Risk"

The British thus took control after a bizarre administrative error which also created North Korea, Poland and Sweden. The first Queen of Australia, Captain James "Jimmy" Chook, built the first Aussie "barbie" (barbeque, not the doll - she came later after Ken moved in), on Lady Macquarie's Chair on Point Bennelong. After the chair was extinguished, a great celebration called Australia Day was held, and a lot of beers were drunk. Then the flag of Sweden was raised in error, then taken down, then the North Korean flag was raised, then taken down, then the Polish flag was raised, it was found there was no British flag available, so a Union Jack was drawn on to the Polish flag and the country was declared to be the possession of General Kosciuszko, who nobody had heard of, and the highest mountain was named after him.

After the English arrived in Australia, their first task was to kill everyone that already lived there and declare it Terra Nullius, which means 'I know nothing' - something Australia demands of its citizens. However, while killing everyone except themselves the Brits were bombarded with incredible heat, the likes of which they had never felt before - and not again until Kings Cross started "2-for-1" nights. This heat was usually caused by British prisoners led to Australia (i.e. our demented and socially retarded forefathers), and names such as Ben Laden, Ben Fishing and Ali Oops! have been known to be great prisoners. This led to the natural decision of using Oz as a prison, where British criminals (and Swedish masseurs) would regret their devilish acts until their dying day.

Other countries, however, viewed Australia as a tourist resort and Europeans came by the thousands - and after having had sex in Australia's drinking water supply - sunbathed on the pristine white beaches. After some undue violence with the prisoners, the English retreated back to England to support their Queen as well as their reigning Monarch, Victoria Beckham.

Early British prisoners in Australia used their pickpocketing skills to steal a captain's ID and set sail in the direction of Antarctica, where they hoped to find Father Christmas and his tireless elves. Unfortunately, recent scientific discoveries have discovered that Santa actually lives at the North Pole, and not the South. Luckily for the ship crew, however, one Henry Barrington Smith had actually constructed his 3/4 flood pants entirely out of magnetic rock sourced from the motherland, England. And as he greatly enjoyed circling the ship's rim, he caused the compasses of the captain to go in random directions - east, west, north, up, into the fourth dimension, and so on. This lead them in a complete circle and back to the beach from which they had left. This is described in the captain's diary as such: "Antartica, I have found, is unlike Australia. It has the water, more culture, and much better night life."

Subsequently becoming the part of the Empire where the sun never set - mainly because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark - the former convicts (now Australians) cleverly got around the eternal daylight hours by the introduction of Daylight Saving Time, thereby throwing out all reckoning of time during the summer months - and so ensuring no one was ever again certain that the sun had indeed risen, or whether it was just a particularly bright moon that night.

From here the newly founded Australia built itself on a strong trade in being anal retentive, awesomely bogan-like, pathological cheats at any number of sporting fare, and drunken-destructive by nature. With this booming trade, the first brewery was founded in Sydney, finally freeing the locals from the unpopular practice of drinking each others urine. This transition from traditional English sefaring beverage to locally-produced products can be seen today in the architecture of the Sydney Opera House. Only with sufficient drunkenness could the local population have agreed to produce something worthy of being deemed erected, and allow the locals to miss the fact that it had been "erected" and not giggle at the term. The obsession that Australians found in gambling was finally put to good use - when they decided (like the dense lot they are) to follow blindly any lead the "good ol' US of A" lays down... They say "Hump", Oz says "How dry?"..."

From here the rest of Australia's arrested-development was chosen, and the Australian national motto decided: "Be wicked which you can't help anyway because you're Australian and criminal behaviour is your birth right!" This cryptic motto comes from an early regional dialect often referred to in early cave paintings as "boof-head/bogan". (Australian archaeologists, before the 1960s, thought the name to be an attempt to distinguish white people from "abbo's". Turns out that it has to do with railways instead.) It has yet to be fully translated, but its impact on Australia is unmistakable.

[edit] Politics and Government

See also: Australian Parliament

Quite the happy continent, this picture was taken after a "budweiser" beer boat sank around the southest perimeter of Australia. It is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent and sun in the sky you can actually see.

Australia is the only nation in the world to completely occupy an entire continent. This gives Australian government officials a +4 influence bonus, one extra Special Power usage, and two extra armies each turn. Another notable aspect about Australia is that it possesses the detached province of Tasmania, which are used in the Australian Army as shock troops, as well as making good moving targets down at the shooting range or as an alternative to abortion. Occasionally the government hold elections *cough* *cough*.

However, Australians are relatively passive in world affairs, preferring to save up their extra armies every turn and turtling in Indonesia or Siam until they have a sufficient force in reserve to suddenly envelop Asia and thereby enact world domination. Damned lamers. Despite having the best-trained, well-equipped army in the entire world, the Aussies generally choose to just own the Americans at war games and send them out on beer runs for the rest of us.

For most of the 20th century, Australia was ruled by England's Queen Elizabeth II, a tyrannical and insane monarch who also runs things in New Zealand, Canada, America and India. The current government's international policy seems to be "No Worries, She'll be Right" and apparently consists of doing the American army's work for them, before heading off to the local pub while the Americans take the absence as an opportunity to claim credit for winning the war.

Contrary to Popular Belief, Australia is still a colony of criminal miscreants. The new 21st century Queen of Australia, Victoria Bechham, has pleaded with Australia to grow up and be independent. However, Australia prefers to still be governed by Great Britain for the sake of tradition, just like Americans prefer to be fat because they can't get off their behinds to save their lives, and the Japanese like to be productive and creative because they're stuck in the 1600s. Not that Australians think they are superior...

[edit] Creationism

(OR: "1000 FUBAR situations Australians excel at") - For more information Google: ["Inbreeding - Keeping Australian Families "together"]

Main article: Creationist Views on Australia

[edit] Wicked Witch of Western Australia

The wicked witch used to live in Perth. She melted and did a big poo. Some kiwi named Quinton Balls and Katie Greaundkist threw a bucket of water over her. Good riddance say some, though many like to do big poos in her memory, to pay respect and so on.

[edit] Foreign Relations and Military

See also: Australian Defense Force

[edit] Wars

Illegal queue-jumping parasite Simpson (right) and his donkey. And some other dozy bludger who managed to get himself shot at Gallipoli.

Australia has a long tradition of supplying cannon fodder for its imperial overlords - (Britain 1788-1958, and America 1958-Armageddon) - any time they decide to embark on a new adventure. This first began in the Boer War, which wound up with Edward Woodward being tied to a chair and shot. Australians recently commemorated this event by briefly renaming a pub on Chapel St, South Yarra, "Rorke's Drift".

[edit] The You-Beaut War

In World War I Australians performed an outstanding service to the British Empire by acting as bullet-collectors in the Somme and Gallipoli. A fine upstanding member of the British officer upper-class (aka, dumbshit, Mustafa Kemal, a 34 year old Lt.-Col) claimed he was familiar with the Gallipoli peninsula from his operations against Bulgaria in the Balkan War. He believed Cape Helles, the southern tip of the peninsula, and Gaba Tepe would be the two most likely areas for landing. The other commanders where originally going to plan on landing on the eastern side of the peninsula but Mustafa insisted that we should let our troops land here, but because of this dumbshit (fine upstanding member of the British officer upper-class) thousands of "ANZACs" (acronym of: Aussie and New Zild Arsenal Collectors) died and more left to mourn their loss, and all because of that stoooopid arsehole MUSTAFA KEMAL! Oh, and Winston Churchill (Who?). When asked after the war what he felt like after finding out due to his stupidity, Mustafa said "I know I'm stoopid for getting the coordinates wrong... but they are even more retarded for listening to me, hahaha". Churchill said "Who gives a shit?"

The most amazing (read "stoopid") thing is that the Gallipoli landing idea was fully conceived by the then British Monster of Navy, Winston Churchill. Churchill's reward for his brilliant strategy to reduce the population of Australia was to be eventually made leader of the Tory Party and subsequently elected as Prime Monster. Churchill famously neve visited Australia, because he was warned there were Anzacs queuing up to shoot him.

During a famous truce at Gallipoli the Turks lobbed tobacco into the Australian trenches and Australians lobbed their tinned beef into the Turkish trenches. The Turks tried the beef before promptly lobbing it back. Australians are particularly proud of having been slaughtered at Gallipoli, which is commemorated each year by thousands of young Australians booking a package tour to Turkey, getting pissed and throwing up on war graves.

In popular Straylian mythology (not the black mythology, the other unreal one), The Great War (or "The Bonza, You-Beaut War", as it is known in Australia) was the beginning of the modern Australian nation. The real pre-John Howard mythology, dating from 1989 BC (Before Costello) is that the beginning of the Australian nation was forged on the goldfields and at the "Eureka Stockade" (which was a stockade or corrale where "ideas" or "eurekas" were kept fenced in). Australia's most dramatic and successful war campaign during the You-Beaut War was its vaiant relieving the Germans of Papua New Guinea, or "German New Guinea" as it was then known, distinguish it from "Dutch New Guinea" which was to west and spoke Dutch but now speaks Indonesian (see- "Don't mention West Irian"). Famous prisoners-of-war (POWs or Piss-Weaks as they are known to Aussie non-combatants) from the First You-Beaut Papuan Campaign included Bronislaw Malinowski (Who?), the father of modern Anthropology and well-known Stella Artois enthusiast.

The most potent icon to emerge out of the Gallipoli conflict was that of Simpson and his Donkey (pictured), who risked life, limb, hoof and tail ferrying wounded Australian soldiers away from the front line under heavy Turkish fire. However, it was recently discovered that Simpson was in fact an illegal Scottish immigrant, so his shattered remains were dug up and sent back to Britain at the British government's expense. Dirty yobbo, pretending to be an Aussie hero, may he rot in peace!

[edit] The Second You-Beaut War

In World War II, the Australians were all over The Place, planting gum trees in Syria, liberating France, causing riots in Egyptian brothels, building the Burma Railway and the Bridge over the River Kwai (this history was later amended to include William Holden, famous American (aka "Septic") car designer and other yanks and Brits, but Aussie soldiers were erased by David Lean the infamous "historical revisionist" (see John Howard) and movie director.

[edit] Other You-Beaut Wars

Australians were also in Malaya at some point in the '50s, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with Britain's War on Communism. Then they piled into Korea. Returning soldiers tried to interest their loved ones in kimchi, which led to an unprecedented spike in the Australian divorce rate. Then it was Vietnam, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with America's War on Communism. Then the "First Bush War" in Iraq, then the undeclared war in East Timor against those tricksy Indonesians who took away Dutch New Guinea ("Don't mention West Irian" again), then the "Second Bush War" in Afghanistan, and the Third Bush War" - Iraq again. Australia valiantly attacked the Solomon Islands, East Timor again, and is probably due to attack the World again. Australia enthusiastically joined the "Bush War on Terrierists" - which arose from a misinterpretation of the American accent of President George Bush who was angry at people keeping terrier dogs (he preferred poodles) but was later taken to mean anyone from the Middle East or an Arab (see Muslim or anyone wearing a towel on their head such as Cronulla residents or Bondi expatriates).

In the future the Ozzies will rule the world along with the killer kangaroo and the evil fuzzie bastard koala.

[edit] Major conflicts

War on Terra Australis and The Intervention (knocked over the Aborigines, no worries) (1788-present)

Eureka stockade (as seen in 1949 British film starring Peter Lalor, known as "Who's that?") (1854)

The Boer War (as seen in Breaker Morant) (1899 - 1902)

World War I (as seen in Gallipoli) (1914 - 1918)

World War II (as heard in Tojo Never Made it to Darwin) (1939 - 1945)

Malaya, Korea (1950s)

Australio-New Zealdraic War (1972)

Vietnam (inspired the famous Redgum song I've Been to Bali Too) (1960s - 1973)

Australio-Americana War (1978)

War on Terror (2001 - World War III)

[edit] The (alleged) War on Refugees

Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer was forced to change to regular shoes while attending parliament after this photo was leaked to the press in 1996. He later denied the photo existed, saying "I wouldn't be seen dead wearing white high heels shoes with a dark suit!"

Self-hating un-Australian fifth-columnists (in other words, people who didn't vote for John Howard) believe that Australian Government's foreign policy requires all immigrants to stay in detention in the Great Australian Desert for at least four years without water, food or oxygen, during which time they must initiate three riots and sew their lips together twice. This is not as a test to see if they are acceptable citizens, but to prepare them for living in any of the major cities. Australia is the best! And everyone thinks so! Or else we'll come over there and declare war on you! Bastards!

The truth of the matter is that all of Australia's immigrants are treated with great dignity and respect, just as can be seen in North Korea, America, or Austria (which is often mistaken by visiting American presidents for 'Strayia). The Amanda Vanstone Travel Agency highly recommended a stay on one of the many islands surrounding Australia. Or if you may have been looking for something more relaxing, how about an extended stay at "Club Woomera" - www.afghanis-in-australia.com, which describes it as "One of the CENSORED UNDER AUSTRALIAN SEDITION LAW PART iv) SECTION B we have ever experienced!"

[edit] Top Secret Enemies List

The Australian Government's foreign policy welcomes all immigrants, especially those from war-torn countries who leech off welfare funds and cannot speak English. According to certain currently incarcerated psychopaths, a very reasonable condition of entry is that they must stay in detention in the Great Australian Desert for at least four years without water, food or oxygen and during that time they must initiate three riots and sew their lips together twice. This is not as a test to see if they are acceptable citizens, but to prepare them for living in any of the major cities. Nationalities forced to undergo this minor trial, in the name of international peace, are affectionately named Spics, Frogs, Poms, Krauts, Seppoes, Russkies, Chinks, Nips, Wogs, Dagoes, Gooks, Curry Munchers, Nepalese, Nigs, along with a whole bunch of others.

NOTE!!: Australia is not a racist or bigoted country however, as its immigration policy does permit former Nazis, transsexuals, pedophiles, sodomites (and other butt pirates) and Czech war criminals to enter the country - due mainly to the huge demand by Australia's citizens for such commodities.

The top enemy of australia is SAMMY

[edit] The Asian Invasion

Australian Prime Minister John Howard in conference with his cabinet. After losing the 2007 election, he was knighted as Dame Edna Everage

Over 900 million Japanese come as so called "tourists" to Australia each year. These are really Japanese spies planning to invade Australia to take control of their valuable whale populations. They take enormous amounts of photographs to send back to the Jap-Spy headquarters for deliberation - so if you see an Asian with a camera, take him down! This of course includes Chinese tourists, who are simply in the guise of accidentally capturing shots of random bachelors. Once they have identified potential victims, their mail order brides immediately swarm into the area, begin the wedding and take off with the unfortunate men's bank account, leaving them with nothing but a Made In China "gold" ring and their water bill. So if you see a Chinese tourist with a camera, take him down too!

[edit] Intervention in the 2008 American Presidential Election

In February 2007, Australian President John Howard publicly announced Australia's military was being fully mobilized in preparation for an amphibious assault against the continental United States in the event presidential candidate Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election. "We will not simply stand by if America falls into the hands of a terror-loving and exceedingly non-white leftist," Howard stated during a recent press conference. "Do you realize that the difference between Osama and Obama is just one letter? If this man is elected, the terrorists will be just one consonant away from world domination! I'm just getting over George W. Bush, i don't want the world to have to deal with US Terrorism any longer!" It should be pointed out that Howard, after extensive remedial classes in English (at Glasgow University) needed to be coached as to the meaning of the word "consonant".

Although the American public were still in shock over the cancellation of the Fox television series Party of Five, White House press secretary Tony Snow commented "We acknowledge Australia's right to defend itself, its beer, bogans, boof-heads and the WACA against a dangerous, liberal, latte-sipping Taliban-coddler. President Bush sees no need to comment further on a possible invasion." Although the point is now moot since George "Dubya" Bush and his Dad no longer have personal business ties with Bin Laden Oil in Saudi Arabia. However, American military experts agreed Australia's military lacked the military capability to launch such an offensive as Colonel Gregory T. Mullet, an instructor at the US Army War College, commented that the present Australian invasion force "..amounts to 50 hung-over blokes from a Brisbane pub and a brigade of assorted marsupials". ^[1]

[edit] Economy

See also: WorkChoices

The average change you get from a shop in Australia. Resemblance to 'chocolate money' is not coincidental.

Australia is famous for its domestication of the bizarre eucalyptus tree, on which wooden kangaroos and emperor penguins grow. These animals are harvested, painted a variety of pleasing colours and exported around the world. Large amounts of raw alcohol are also annually excavated from mines and refined into beer through complex chemical processes.

Australia is also famous for its wide and diversified exports, these include such valuable commodities as: cheap, bad beer (all the good beer remains in Australia), emigrants (i.e. human excrement), putrid food, reconstituted putrid foof, child sex offendors (especially to Thailand and Vietnam), "innocent" drug traffickers (and their "specially packaged" surf-boards), Kylie Minogue Fan Club kits, unique and endangered fauna, putrified alcohol, crappy melodrama TV shows, and selling useless junk to American tourists. ^[2]

Richard Gere, dressed as a woman, appears on Australia's $10 note for some reason

After switching to the metric system in 1983, Australian currency now takes the form of stubbies (single items), six packs, and slabs (of 12 or 24) - and as any Australian mathematical genius would deduce these are all perfectly divisible by 10. This is often broken down into various types, most common being VB and XXXX (The name of said beer coming from bogans and boof-head's inabilty to spell the word "Castlemaine". So the four letters that were known to be in Beer were replaced with 'x's), then progressing on to slightly classier brews, such as Crown Lagers or "Crownies" as they are affectionately referred to. Trade with such delicate currency can have devastating effects on the local economy. NOTE: the item Foster's Lager is not a true beer as it comprises (at least) 50% horse urine - hence it being the chief sponsoring product for the so-named "Foster's Melbourne Cup".

[edit] Geography

Australia is renowned for its beaches. However, contrary to Popular's beliefs and government propaganda, these seemingly wonderful places are chock full of piranhas, barracuda, poisonous sea serpents, box jellyfish, plankton, genetically-engineered killer dolphins, and of course, hated by all, floating speed humps - aka bodyboarders. The waters adjacent to the beaches are even worse. Despite the earnest effort of local authorities and the military, the number of syringe attacks is still sky-rocketing.

Much of Australia consists of flat desert. This makes going to Ayers Rock a rather tedious affair, and many a fatality was caused by some poor yob trying to win a Darwin Award while bored on the road. Other people hold a "corroboree" (Ancient Strayian for "Kiley Minogue Concert") in or near their cars (which are frequently parked on top of local beauty spots) until they get drunk and fall over. Or have sex. Or both.

On the plus side, it makes Australia an ideal location to put suburban sprawl. That should be interesting. (Blow your Horn if you like traffic jams! No, not that horn, ya bastard!)

[edit] States

States of Australia. This map is now invalid: Queersland seceded and was later sold and sailed to the Japan in the 1980s by Premier Sir Joh Bjerky-Whatshisname. Westraylia has been dug up and shipped to China

Australia has several states as well as the Fostern Territory. these are:

Southern Territory (Basicaly a southern hemisphere version of Quebec)
ACT (Everyone forgets this state, er territory, which is... somewhere in NSW near Queanbeyan)
Tascademania (Inhabited by Taswegians and cheese)
New South Ireland (Famous for its beaches such as Maroubra and Cronulla, which are good for a punch-up)
Victoriana or "Tramland" (Named for Queen Gracie but later reattributed to the 'other' Queen, Victoria Beckham)
Terra Australis (This has being dug up and exported to China)
Queersland (Named after the present British Queer, David Beckham. Seceded from Australia under Joh Bjerke-Whatshisname in 1983 and sold to Japan)

The larger island is divided into 'more than 3' states - 5 or 6 states - nobody is sure because states continually disappear and some are territories, or not, which is confusing. Norfolk Island, Heard Island, King Island and the Christmas Islands are not shown on maps, nor are the 'Outer Immigrant Islands'. Somewhere within New South Ireland lies the "Capital City of Australia", Queanbeyan, but no-one is sure if it is a myth or just a rumour. The usual comment by visitors to the Capital City is, "It's well laid out!" but so is a corpse. Antarctica was invaded by Australia in 1901 and declared the 7th state (or is 8th?) - it is ruled by the 'Emperor Penguin' (see Batman). Australia's favourite state, however, is Intoxication.

[edit] Major Cities

[edit] Capital Cities (that deserves to be forgotten)

Adelaide: Regretted labelling itself the "city of churches" since the 60's. Commonly referred to as "never heard of it". Home to 72% of Australia's bogan population, and, ironically, a best expensive wine and cabaret in the world. Go figure..
Brisbane: Population including Cane Toads: 5.2 million. Population minus Cane Toads: Nowhere near Melbourne and Sydney's. Interstate migrants have been introduced to correct this problem.
Canberra: The love child of a dummy spit between Melbourne and Sydney. The solution: Put the capital somewhere between the two cities. Everyone's a winner. Except if you have to move to Canberra.
Darwin: Hot, humid and crappy with the slight chance of crocodile. Only capital city in the world where businessmen wear shorts and long socks to meetings about resources, company mergers and acquisitions.
Hobart: Where a yacht race ends once a year. Obviously the REAL Australia.
Melbourne: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jams and air pollution. The city's favourite sport is "rugby league" and all its dwellers hate Sydney but worship a strange variant of Gaelic Football called "Aerial Pingpong".
Perth: A city that far away from the East coast cannot still be in Australia, can it? Getting to back to civilisation is a month-long walk through the desert.
Sydney: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jams and air pollution. The city's favourite sport is sodomy and all its dwellers hate Melbourne and the Sydney Swans, a team which plays Aerial Pingpong. Residents support a sport which is a local variant of brutal gladitorial combat known as "Thugby" which derives from the English town of Rugby, famous for its gladitorial massacres.

[edit] Flora and Fauna

Platypus, the horrible embarrassment of evolution.

Main article: Australian Wildlife

As mentioned previously, kangaroos and emperor penguins are part of the native fauna in the Australian bush. There is a lesser-known creature that is kept out of the media to prevent a drop in tourism, which is known locally as the 'Drop Bear'. The 'Drop Bear' (Phakus cinereus) is related to the common 'Koala bear', neither of which are related to the bear species. The platypus is also a native to this land, but the locals try to shun association with this horrible embarrassment of evolution. Hoopsnakes and One-eyed Trouser Snakes are also a vital part of Australian life, supplying much of the country's sperm donations.

Crocodiles are typically considered part of the wildlife of this country, but only by foreigners and the late Steve Irwin. In truth, with crocodiles so numerous, they have been allowed the same rights as humans. Of course in Australia, that really doesn't amount to much, since whiteys are legally allowed to hunt and kill Aborigines much in the same way humans can kill crocodiles. This is due mainly to the fact that Aborigines, up until 40 years ago, were considered fauna.

Of course, the most dominant animal species in Australia, the dingo, remains a deadly baby-eating monster. Most commonly known for eating the child of Meryll Streep, the dingo remains an ongoing problem in Queensland. In the bush areas of the state, it is well known that the nationally produced 'dingo patrol' must stay at bay 24 hours a day to stop swarms of dingoes getting through the great divide and devouring everything in site.

The country is also awashed in feral animals including cats, dogs, pigs, horses, goats, camels, plastic bags, prisoners of mother England posing as citizens (since 1788), pommies, kiwis, yankees and those ehhh... people from that funny country attached to Alaska.

[edit] Things that will kill you

It is generally held that Australia is stuffed full of dangerous flora and fauna, many of them resident in the Federal Department of Immigration and released periodically when an election is in the offing. These include many snakes, things in the sea etc, most of which are entirely predictable. What the locals usually don't mention are the really worrisome creatures:

Table of Dangerous Australian Fauna
Box jellyfish	Bogans	Bunyips	Cootamundra
Chinchillas	Dingos	Drop Bears	Shane Warne
Northern Territoryens	Pointed stick	Sharks	Crocodile Dundee
Killer Kangaroos	Killer Chooks	Lamingtons	Ruddocks
Australian Accents	Americans	Survivor	Ant
December	Smooth Hermans	Ralph	Kookaburras
Christmas in Australia	Race Riots @ Bathurst	Sydney FC fans	Jon Thomas

Stingrays are also notably dangerous for being capable of killing an Australian who made a living out of wrestling crocodiles.

Most of these are not too big, on a scale relative to the Tyrannosaurus Rex, as anything larger than a freshly spawned prawn was a tasty treat for the Aboriginals.

[edit] Demographics

Main article: Australians

The customary greeting given to all local citizens, consisting of ripping off one's shirt and making unrestrained angry faces

Australia consists largely of people who do not come from a country other than Australia. The long and the short of it is that Australians love beer, money, beer, cricket, beer, football, beer, sodomy, beer and anything they can fuck (including beer). Things they can't fuck are great too, since deep down Australians really love a challenge - for example, first-year primary school English lessons. Almost all Australians have a British or Asian (particularly Indian or Chinese) background - because they make really nice wallpaper. If the Brits hadn't killed them off, many people would have an Australian background, too ... but then a desert for wallpaper just seems pretty dull.

Note that it may sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between Australians and New Zealanders (commonly known as kiwis). The most popular method of quickly checking which one they are is by asking them to say "chips". While Australians are able to pronounce the word correctly (i.e. "cheeps"), kiwis invariably pronounce it as "chups". However, there is another distinctive difference in that whereas kiwis can spell the word, a high proportion of Australians cannot actually spell "chips". (Google: "Remedial English for Australian Adults")

Current Demographics
Yuppies	34%	Bogans	30%
Yobboes	23%	Kangaroos	8%
Japanese tourists	4%	Famous Australians	1.8%
Margins of Error	1%	Lead Heads	0.2%
Total: 100%

[edit] Culture (for want of a better word)

Main article: Australian Values

“It is a common misconception that we Aussies are a friendly bunch. In reality, this is designed to attract tourists, whom are then beaten, robbed and fed to the crocodiles or koalas.”

~ Australian Tourism Commission

The famous "Oxley Moron". It is customary in Australia to dry wet flags by draping them over a local buffoon or (in the quaint Australian dialect) a 'bloody drongo'.

Australians are widely thought to be uncultured on account of their accent, which is purely an environmental adaptation. In Australia, the wider you open your mouth and the longer you leave it open the more flies get in. (The word "Australia", for example, usually only has two syllables - "Straya" - though more advanced or inebriated Australian speakers can get it down to one.) The official Australian government description of the Australian accent is: "Basically, you take a British person, toss them out into the backwoods of Louisiana for about 20 years, and they will indoobidably have a 100% Australian accent."

Australian culture is wide and diverse - about as diverse as a tub of plain, white sour cream. Much of Australia's culture (i.e. sour cream) lies in upholding the cultural barriers between themselves and their neighbour New Zealand, and flipping off the Americans in public while sucking up to them in private.

Another charming aspect of Australian culture is the humiliation of other nations, though conventional or unusual methods (such as genetically altering fauna and flora to hate tourists). A prime example is the koala, whose only purpose is to lure in Japanese tourists with furry good looks and leaf-eating predilections. Once cuddled up in the victim's arms for a photo opportunity, the koala slashes major blood vessels with its razor-like claws, causing instant (and often permanent) death. The Japanese would have put a stop to this long ago, were it not for Australia's strategic advantage (see "Politics and Government").

Australia is a very relaxed society and it is considered OK to use abusive or ugly words to describe fellow citizens who may be suffering from physical or other handicaps. This is because Aussies have rejected the idea of "political correct" (PC) language - see John Howard - which may be amusing to visiting Europeans (wogs), Americans (septics), Asians (chinks), etc. On the other hand, Neo-Nazi visitors to Auustralia will be very pleased. Anyone who is intellectually handicapped can be abused, for example as 'autistic' or 'retard', and the locals will laugh along heartily: names like 'spastic' are enjoyed widely. Indigenous citizens can be referred as 'abbos', 'boongs' and 'niggers' and their hopelessness and poverty seen as hilarious, but no-one will take offence! Join in the fun!

Visitors to the country often comment on the uniquely Australian whimsy for place names. For example, the Sydney Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge are both, deceptively, kinds of fungus grown in caves in land-locked Alice Springs. Similarly the states of New South Wales, Western Australia, the Northern Territories, the Australian Capital Territory and South Australia are all national parks in the island of Tasmania. Contrast the states of Queensland, Tasmania and Victoria named by the plain-speaking English.

100% Aussie Prid

Australians are perhaps proudest of their long tradition of home-slaughtering, a cherished pastime in which the whole family joins in in killing, gutting and butchering animals ranging from emu, kangaroo and platypus to the more exotic dugong and wobbegong. Another common pastime is annoying the British, for example going into a drunken diatribe about how the English murdered all the Aborigines by putting strychnine in their billabongs, then saying "Nah, just kidding, mate. You're all right ... for a stinkin', lousy, bath-dodging, whingeing Pom."

It is claimed that the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt is that a pot of yoghurt left for long enough will develop a culture. This joke is existential and therefore must be laughed at. And anyway, I know Australia has a thriving cultural scene ... i've got all Human League's, Duran Duran's and Wham's LPs, my KY jelly and some pink champagne in the chiller.

[edit] Sports

Main article: Sport in Australia

Australians are renowned for their unseemly, hairy-chested and generally puzzling obsession with sport. Anthropologists largely agree that this is because there's bugger-all in the way of Australian artistic, economic, scientific or culinary achievement for them to carry on about.

The biggest sports in Australia are, in order of popularity: cross dressing, Australian Rules football, cricket,anal sex, V8 Supercars, ferret racing, rugby union, two-up and the Olympics. Australians will, however, slap on the green-and-gold zinc cream and clamber aboard the bandwagon of any Australian sportsman or team that seems to be in with a sniff of winning something - for example, if an Australian tennis player other than L'il Lleyton Hewitt gets past the first round at a Grand Slam event - HA! Fat chance!!!

A new sport in Australia is Professional League Barbecuing. Each round takes place on a beach in Austalia, and whoever manages to grill and eat the most weight of meat is the winner. First prize is death by massive coronary thrombosis and a complimentary bout of irritable bowel syndrome thrown in for good measure. Last year, at the end of the league, over 500 tonnes of meat was eaten by 10 contestants. There is another division of barbecuing called Extreme Power Barbecuing. This is where the contestants have to take out their V8s from their cars, hook them up to their barbecues, and grill away. So much meat is cooked in this league it is enough to feed an avearge sized farm of velociraptors. Instead, the Australians have developed a system where they can use the meat to make new cars, which they ship off to the UK and US. This is designed to kill as many English and Americans as possible. This all slots into place with their master plan - which amounts to "bupkiss".

[edit] Language

Main article: Australian-English Dictionary

Common Sayings from the atypical Australian Bloke:

- "Woddareyoulookinat?"

- "So Where the Bloody Hell Are ya? Oh, you naughty devil ... why wasn't I invited?"

- "I'm off for a rub a dub dub at the Blue Oyster Club"

- "Pass me a Bundy, hundy"

- "Fill 'em fulla lead!" (oddly, also the name of the sequel to "Brokeback Mountain")

- "You Beaut! Man love is exactly what I'm talking about!"

- "Strewth! Where's me Revlon kit, Dave?!?"

- "See you at the shake and shiver, ya queer b@$tard"

- "Stroll to the gravy bowl" (you really shouldn't ask what this means)

- "Show us ya tits!"

- "Bugger off! I f@#kin' won't geevup sodomy!"

- "F#ck That! While I f*ck This! But pass me the Vaseline first!"

AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

(attributed to the famous Australian cross-dresser, Dame Edna Everage)

Before I left Australia, To travel o'er the seas, I went into our lounge room, And sat on my old father's knees.

He was full of worldly wisdom, Or so I ascertain, And what he said to me that day, Has lingered in my brain.

He'd spent years in the outback, In the land of thirst and drought, And said to me, "Son, never look a gift horse in the mouth".

"If a joker offers you a drink, "Don't pause to count the cost, "And the same applies to shielas, "He who hesitates in lost".

Now I'm in the old country, And living in Earls Court, If a fellah offers me a drink, I say I'll be in that sport!

And the same applies to shielas, If they're pretty or they're not, When a girl gives me the old green light, I'm in there like a shot!

Chorus.

One day I strolled down Earls Court Road, And into a pub I was lured, "Where do you come from?" says a nosey Pom, As I downed the amber fluid. So I told him straight, "I'm Australian mate, And I feel like getting plastered, But the beer here's crook, And the girls all look, Like you, you pommy bastard"!

Repeat chorus.

Old England's really on its back, That's to my way of thinking, The female talent's to the pack, And the beer's not worth drinking. The average Brit talks a load of bull, And they live in terrace houses, And they talk of how the winds do change, With no seat to their trousers!

Repeat chorus.

Chorus:

Oh, I wouldn't say no to an ice cold beer, And I wouldn't say no to a naughty, I've lived in England for many a year, In a bed-sitter in Earls Court-y. The beer over here isn't fit to drink, And the shielas are cold and haughty, But I wouldn't say no to an ice cold beer, And I wouldn't say no to a naughty!

[edit] See also

[edit] References

↑ Tan, Adam (2007-02-13). Australia to invade US if Obama elected. DeadBrain.co.uk.
↑ Boyle, Lance D. (2005-08-25). Car Shoes take Australia by Storm. TheSpoof.com.

[edit] External links

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AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you?

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Australian-English Dictionary • Labor • The Libs

Commonwealth of Independent Nations

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[0] Tan, Adam (2007-02-13). Australia to invade US if Obama elected. DeadBrain.co.uk.

[1] Boyle, Lance D. (2005-08-25). Car Shoes take Australia by Storm. TheSpoof.com.

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