Australia

This article may be Overly Australian. Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be fine, mate!

“You call that a knife? This is a knife, a cheese knife and it will make short work of this bree”

~ Posh Australian

Ahhh....Australia or more commonly known as "Ooooo-strya!". The Great Southern Land, Down Under, The Sunburnt Country, Terra Australis, Oz, The Better Version of New Zealand...(Terra australaeionesia cowardiana), quite the happy continent, is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent and sun in the sky you can actually see. It is also called "Oz" for short, or "down under", after the most popular position. The name "Australia" originates from the Aboriginal word "Wallaborongamala" meaning "where the bloody hell am I?" (Though an alternative theory claims that the name comes from Igpay Atinlay and is a bastardisation of 'Austria'). Potential tourists should note that Australia is populated by vicious, venomous creatures (both native and feral) that can kill a full-grown man in seconds.

Australia is also the nation where interest rates, grocery prices and fuel prices never stop rising. It is predicted that by 2020, the average 2 litre bottle of milk in Australia will be even more expensive than the cow that produced it. That is roughly around AU$5000. Single aged pensioners will still be expected to live on a $50 weekly income.

Australia was formerly theorised to be the largest island in the world, but was later discovered to be nothing more than a hilariously undersized continent. Though Australia was first colonised by the Aborigines circa 60,000 B.C., the British took control of it after a bizarre administrative error which also created North Korea, Poland and Sweden. It was then discarded by the then King of England, King Kong, who was often criticised for having a typically 2D view of the world. Fortunately for England he was ousted from Primate Ministership by a strategically placed barrel to the head.

Some people maintain the viewpoint that there is only one place in Australia that isn't worth visiting. These people are invariably divided into two sections: those who Hate Sydney and those who love every where including Sydney. The people of Sydney are often incapable of remembering anything outside of the name of their favoured state, unlike the rest of Australians, who know Everything.

History

Main article: History of Australia

Australia, as drawn by Matthew Flinders on an ancient scroll known as "Risk"

When the English arrived in Australia, their first task was to find a use for it. However, while thinking they were bombarded with incredible heat, the likes of which they had never felt before. This led to the natural conclusion of using it as a prison island, where their criminals would regret their devilish acts until their dying day. Other countries, however, viewed Australia as a tourist resort and Europeans came by the thousands to sunbathe on the pristine-white beaches. The English thought they were mad.

Early British prisoners in Australia used their pickpocketing skill to steal a captain's ID and set sail in the direction of Antarctica, where they hoped to find Father Christmas and his tireless elves. Unfortunately, recent scientific discoveries have discovered that Santa actually lives at the North Pole, and not the South. Luckily for the ship crew, however, one Henry Barrington Smith had actually constructed his 3/4 flood pants entirely out of magnetic rock sourced from the motherland, England. And as he greatly enjoyed circling the ship's rim, he caused the compasses of the captain to go in random directions - east, west, north, up, into the fourth dimension, and so on. This lead them in a complete circle and back to the beach from which they had left. This is described in the captain's diary as such: "Antartica, I have found, is much like Australia. It has the same trees, the same beach, and the very same people waving to us goodbye."

Subsequently becoming the part of the Empire where the sun never set - mainly because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark - the former convicts (now Australians) cleverly got around the eternal daylight hours by the introduction of Daylight Saving Time, thereby throwing out all reckoning of time during the summer months - and so ensuring no one was ever again certain that the sun had indeed risen, or whether it was just a particularly bright moon that night.

From here the newly founded Australia built itself on a strong trade in being awesome, games of awesomeness, and un-drunk and orderly behaviour. With this booming trade, the first brewery was founded in Sydney, finally freeing the locals from the unpopular practice of drinking awesome wine. This transition from English beer to a locally produced product can be seen today in the architecture of the Sydney Opera House. Only with sufficient drunkenness could the local population have agreed to produce something worthy of being deemed erected, and allow the locals to miss the fact that it had been "erected" and not giggle at the term. The obsession that Australians found in gambling was finally put to good use: a lottery was established to fund the erection of this building.

From here the rest of Australia's development was chosen, and the Australian national motto decided: "Be wicked which you can't help anyway because your Australian." This cryptic motto comes from an early regional dialect often referred to in early cave paintings as "bogan". It has yet to be fully translated, but its impact on Australia is unmissable.

Politics and Government

See also: Australian Parliament

Quite the happy continent, this picture was taken after a "budwiser" beer boat sank around the southest perimeter of Australia. It is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent and sun in the sky you can actually see.

Australia is the only nation in the world to completely occupy an entire continent. This gives Australian government officials a +4 influence bonus, one extra Special Power usage, and two extra armies each turn. Another notable aspect about Australia is that it possesses the detached province of Tasmania which generates one unit of autistic retards every turn, which are used in the Australian Army as shock troops, as well as making good moving targets down at the shooting range or as an alternative to abortion. Occasionally the government hold elections *cough* *cough*.

However, Australians are relatively passive in world affairs, preferring to save up their extra armies every turn and turtling in Indonesia or Siam until they have a sufficient force in reserve to suddenly envelop Asia and thereby enact world domination. Damned lamers. Despite having the best-trained, well-equipped army in the entire world, the Aussies generally choose to just own the Americans at war games and send them out on beer runs for the rest of us.

Australia is ruled by England's Queen Elizabeth II, a tyrannical and insane monarch who also runs things in New Zealand, Canada, America and India. The current government's international policy seems to be "It'll be fine, leave it" and apparently consists of doing the American army's work for them before heading off to the local pub, while the Americans take the absence as an opportunity to claim credit for winning the war.

Contrary to Popular Belief, Australia is still a colony of Great Britain. Queen Liz has pleaded with Australia to grow up and be independent. However, Australia prefers to still be governed by Great Britain for the sake of tradition, just like Americans prefer to be fat because they can't get off their behinds to save their lives, and the Japanese like to be productive and creative because they're stuck in the 1600s.

Black Australia Policy

Main article: Black Australia Policy

Creationism

Main article: Creationist Views on Australia

Wicked Witch of Western Australia

The wicked witch used to live in Perth. She melted. Some kiwi threw a bucket of water over her. Good riddance.

Foreign Relations and Military

See also: Australian Defense Force

Wars

Illegal queue-jumping parasite Simpson (right) and his donkey. And some other dozy bludger who managed to get himself shot at Gallipoli.

Australia has a long tradition of supplying cannon fodder for its imperial overlords - (Britain 1788-1958, and America 1958-Armageddon) - any time they decide to embark on a new adventure. This first began in the Boer War, which wound up with Edward Woodward being tied to a chair and shot. Australians recently commemorated this event by briefly renaming a pub on Chapel St, South Yarra, "Rorke's Drift".

In World War I Australians performed an outstanding service to the British Empire by acting as bullet-collectors in the Somme and Gallipoli. During a famous truce at Gallipoli the Turks lobbed tobacco into the Australian trenches and Australians lobbed their tinned beef into the Turkish trenches. The Turks tried the beef before promptly lobbing it back. Australians are particularly proud of having been slaughtered at Gallipoli, which is commemorated each year by thousands of young Australians booking a package tour to Turkey, getting pissed and throwing up on war graves.

In fact, The Great War (or The Bonza, You-Beaut War, as it is known in Australia) was the beginning of the modern Australian nation. The most potent icon to emerge out of the conflict was that of Simpson and his Donkey (pictured), who risked life, limb, hoof and tail ferrying wounded Australian soldiers away from the front line under heavy Turkish fire. Last year, however, it was discovered that Simpson was in fact an illegal Scottish immigrant, so his shattered remains were dug up and sent back to Britain at the British government's expense. Dirty yobbo, may he rot in peace.

In World War II, the Australians were all over the place, planting gum trees in Syria, liberating France, causing riots in Egyptian brothels, building the Burma Railway and the Bridge over the River Kwai and relieving the Germans of Papua New Guinea.

Australians were also in Malaya at some point in the '50s, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with Britain's War on Communism. Then they piled into Korea. Returning soldiers tried to interest their loved ones in kimchi, which led to an unprecedented spike in the Australian divorce rate.

Then it was Vietnam, Iraq, East Timor, Afghanistan, Iraq again, the Solomon Islands, East Timor again and, probably, Lebanon.

Major conflicts

War on Terra Australis (knocked over the Aboriginies, no worries) (1788-1872)

The Boer War (as seen in Breaker Morant) (1899 - 1902)

World War I (as seen in Gallipoli) (1914 - 1918)

World War II (as heard in Tojo Never Made it to Darwin) (1939 - 1945)

Malaya, Korea (1950s)

Vietnam (inspired the famous Redgum song I've Been to Bali Too) (1960s - 1973)

Australio-Americana War (1978)

Australio-New Zealdraic War (1979)

War on Terror (2001 - World War III)

The great Australian coup (2005)

The (alleged) War on Refugees

Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer was forced to change to regular shoes after this photo was leaked to the press in 1996.

Self-hating un-Australian fifth-columnists believe that Australian Government's foreign policy requires all immigrants to stay in detention in the Great Australian Desert for at least four years without water, food or oxygen, during which time they must initiate three riots and sew their lips together twice. This is not as a test to see if they are acceptable citizens, but to prepare them for living in any of the major cities. Australia is the best! And everyone thinks so!

The truth of the matter is that all of Australia's immigrants are treated with great dignity and respect, just as can be seen in America, Sweden, or North Korea. Amanda Vanstone Travel Agency highly recommends a stay on one of the many islands surrounding Australia. Or if you are looking for something more relaxing, how about an extended stay at Club Woomera - www.afghanis-in-australia.com describes it as "One of the CENSORED UNDER AUSTRALIAN SEDITION LAW PART iv) SECTION B we have ever experienced!"

Top Secret Enemies List

The Australian Government's foreign policy welcomes all immigrants, especially those from war-torn countries who leech off welfare funds and cannot speak English. According to certain currently incarcerated psychopaths, a very reasonable condition of entry is that they must stay in detention in the Great Australian Desert for at least four years without water, food or oxygen and during that time they must initiate three riots and sew their lips together twice. This is not as a test to see if they are acceptable citizens, but to prepare them for living in any of the major cities. Nationalities forced to undergo this minor trial, in the name of international peace, are affectionately named Spics, Frogs, Poms, Krauts, Seppoes, Russkies, Chinks, Nips, Wogs, Dagoes, Gooks, Curry Munchers, Nepalese, Nigs, along with a whole bunch of others. Australia is not a racist country however, as its immigration policy does permit former Nazis and Czech war criminals to enter the country.

The Asian Invasion

Australian Prime Minister John Howard in conference with his cabinet.

Over 900 million Japanese come as so called "tourists" to Australia each year. These are really Japanese spies planning to invade Australia to take control of their valuable whale populations. They take enormous amounts of photographs to send back to the Jap-Spy headquarters for deliberation - so if you see an Asian with a camera, take him down! This of course includes Chinese tourists, who are simply in the guise of accidentally capturing shots of random bachelors. Once they have identified potential victims, their mail order brides immediately swarm into the area, begin the wedding and take off with the unfortunate men's bank account, leaving them with nothing but a Made In China "gold" ring and their water bill. So if you see a Chinese tourist with a camera, take him down too!

Intervention in the 2008 American Presidential Election

In February 2007, Australian President John Howard publicly announced Australia's military was being fully mobilized in preparation for an amphibious assault against the continental United States in the event presidential candidate Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election. "We will not simply stand by if America falls into the hands of a terror-loving and exceedingly non-white leftist," Howard stated during a recent press conference. "Do you realize that the difference between Osama and Obama is just one letter? If this man is elected, the terrorists will be just one consonant away from world domination!"

Although the American public were still in shock over the cancellation of the Fox television series Party of Five, White House press secretary Tony Snow commented "We acknowledge Australia's right to defend itself and the free world against a dangerous, liberal, latte-sipping Taliban-coddler. However, the President sees no need to comment further on a possible invasion since the Republicans still have a barely discernible chance of retaining the White House." American military experts agreed Australia's military lacked the military capability to launch such an offensive as Colonel Gregory T. Mullet, an instructor at the US Army War College, commented that the present Australian invasion force "..amounts to 50 hung-over blokes from a Brisbane pub and a brigade of assorted marsupials". ^[1]

Economy

See also: WorkChoices

The average change you get from a shop in Australia

Australia is famous for its domestication of the bizarre eucalyptus tree, on which wooden kangaroos and emperor penguins grow. These animals are harvested, painted a variety of pleasing colours and exported around the world. Large amounts of raw alcohol are also annually excavated from mines and refined into beer through complex chemical processes.

Australia is also famous for its wide and diversified exports. These include such valuable commodities as cheap, bad beer (all the good beer remains in Australia), unique and endangered fauna, purified alcohol, crappy drama shows, and selling useless junk to American tourists. ^[2]

Richard Gere, dressed as a woman, appears on Australia's $10 note for some reason

After switching to the metric system in 1983, Australian currency now takes the form of stubbies, six packs, and slabs. This is often broken down into various types, most common being VB and XXXX (The name of said beer coming from the inabilty to spell the word. So the four letters that were known to be in Beer were replaced with 'x's), then progressing on to slightly classier brews, such as Crown Lagers or "Crownies" as they are affectionately referred to. Trade with such delicate currency can have devastating effects on the local economy.

Geography

Australia is renowned for its beaches. However, contrary to Popular's beliefs and government propaganda, these seemingly wonderful places are chock full of piranhas, barracuda, poisonous sea serpents, box jellyfish, plankton, genetically-engineered killer dolphins, and of course, hated by all, floating speed humps - aka bodyboarders. The waters adjacent to the beaches are even worse. Despite the earnest effort of local authorities and the military, the number of syringe attacks is still sky-rocketing.

States

States of Australia.

Australia has several states as well as the Fostern Territory. these are:

Australia's favourite state, however, is intoxication.

Major Cities

Beecroft

Cities that do not deserve to be mentioned

Iliosct Breeding Place: (AKA your house)
Adelaide: Regretted labelling itself the "city of churches" since the 60's. Commonly referred to as "never heard of it". Home to 72% of Australia's bogan population.
Brisbane: Population including Cane Toads: 5.2 million. Population minus Cane Toads: Nowhere near Melbourne and Sydney's. Interstate migrants have been introduced to correct this problem.
Canberra: The love child of a dummy spit between Melbourne and Sydney. The solution: Put the capital somewhere between the two cities. Everyone’s a winner. Except if you have to move to Canberra.
Darwin: Hot, humid and crappy with the slight chance of crocodile. Only capital city in the world where businessmen wear shorts and long socks to meetings about resources, company mergers and acquisitions.
Hobart: Where a yacht race ends once a year. Thought by many to be that "New Zealand" place. Sometimes considered to be a separate country infested with inbreds.
Melbourne: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jam, air pollution and all things that only latte-sippers can put up with. The sheilas are bitchy and the blokes are always drunk. The city's favourite sport is "football" and all its dwellers hate Sydney.
Perth: A city that far away from the East coast cannot still be in Australia, can it?
Sydney: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jam, air pollution and all things that only latte-sippers can put up with. The sheilas are bitchy and the blokes are always drunk. The city's favourite sport is rugby and all its dwellers hate Melbourne.

Flora and Fauna

Platypus, the horrible embarrassment of evolution.

Main article: Australian Wildlife

As mentioned previously, kangaroos and emperor penguins are part of the native fauna in the Australian bush. There is a lesser-known creature that is kept out of the media to prevent a drop in tourism, which is known locally as the 'Drop Bear'. The 'Drop Bear' (Phakus cinereus) is related to the common 'Koala bear', neither of which are related to the bear species. The platypus is also a native to this land, but the locals try to shun association with this horrible embarrassment of evolution. Hoopsnakes are also a vital part of Australian life, supplying much of the country's sperm donations.

Crocodiles are typically considered part of the wildlife of this country, but only by foreigners and Steve Irwin. In truth, with crocodiles so numerous, they have been allowed the same rights as humans. Of course in Australia, that really doesn't amount to much, since whiteys are legally allowed to hunt and kill Aborigines much in the same way humans can kill crocodiles. This is due mainly to the fact that Aborigines, up until 40 years ago, were considered fauna.

Of course, the most dominant animal species in Australia, the dingo, remains a deadly baby-eating monster. Most commonly known for eating the child of Meryll Streep, dingoes remain an ongoing problem in Queensland. In the bush areas of the state, it is well known that the nationally produced 'dingo patrol' must stay at bay 24 hours a day to stop swarms of dingoes getting through the great divide and devouring everything in site.

The country is also awashed in feral animals including cats, dogs, pigs, horses, goats, camels, plastic bags, pommies, kiwis, yankees and those ehhh... people from that funny country attached to Alaska.

Things that will kill you

It is generally held that Australia is stuffed full of dangerous flora and fauna, many of them resident in the Federal Department of Immigration and released periodically when an election is in the offing. These include many snakes, things in the sea etc, most of which are entirely predictable. What the locals usually don't mention are the really worrisome creatures:

Table of Dangerous Australian Fauna
Box jellyfish	Bogans	Bunyips	Cootamundra
Chinchillas	Dingos	Drop Bears	Shane Warne
Northern Territoryens	Pointed stick	Sharks	Crocodile Dundee
Killer Kangaroos	Killer Chooks	Lamingtons	Ruddocks
Australians	Americans	Survivor	Ant
December	Smooth Hermans	Ralph	Kookaburras
Christmas in Australia	Yahoo Serious	Race Riots	Sydney FC fans

Stingrays are also notably dangerous for being capable of killing an Australian who made a living out of wrestling crocodiles.

Most of these are not too big, on a scale relative to the Tyrannosaurus Rex, as anything larger than a freshly spawned prawn was a tasty treat for the Aboriginals.

Demographics

Main article: Australians

The customary greeting given to all local citizens, consisting of ripping off one's shirt and making unrestrained angry faces

Australia consists largely of people who do not come from a country other than Australia. The long and the short of it is that Australians love beer, money, beer, cricket, beer, football, beer, sodomy, beer and anything they can fuck (including beer). Things they can't fuck are great too, since deep down Australians really love a challenge. Almost all Australians have a British or Asian (particularly Indian or Chinese) background. If the Brits hadn't killed them off, many people would have an Australian background, too.

Note that it may sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between Australians and New Zealanders (commonly known as kiwis). The most popular method of quickly checking which one they are is by asking them to say "chips". While Australians are able to pronounce the word correctly, kiwis invariably pronounce it as "chups".

Current Demographics
Yuppies	34%	Bogans	30%
Yobboes	23%	Kangaroos	8%
Japanese tourists	4%	Famous Australians	2%
Margins of Error	1%
Total: 100%

Culture (for want of a better word)

Main article: Australian Values

“It is a common misconception that we Aussies are a friendly bunch. In reality, this is designed to attract tourists, whom are then beaten, robbed and fed to the crocodiles.”

~ Australian Tourism Commission

It is customary in Australia to dry wet flags by draping them over a local buffoon or (in the quaint Australian dialect) a 'bloody drongo'.

Australians are widely thought to be uncultured on account of their accent, which is purely an environmental adaptation. In Australia, the wider you open your mouth and the longer you leave it open the more flies get in. (The word "Australia", for example, usually only has two syllables - "Straya" - though more advanced or inebriated Australian speakers can get it down to one.) The official Australian government description of the Australian accent is: "Basically, you take a British person, toss them out into the backwoods of Louisiana for about 20 years, and they will indoobidably have a 100% Australian accent."

Australian culture is wide and diverse. Much of Australia's culture lies in upholding the cultural barriers between themselves and their neighbour New Zealand, and flipping off the Americans in public while sucking up to them in private.

Another charming aspect of Australian culture is the humiliation of other nations, though conventional or unusual methods (such as genetically altering fauna and flora to hate tourists). A prime example is the koala, whose only purpose is to lure in Japanese tourists with furry good looks and leaf-eating predilections. Once cuddled up in the victim's arms for a photo opportunity, the koala slashes major blood vessels with its razor-like claws, causing instant (and often permanent) death. The Japanese would have put a stop to this long ago, were it not for Australia's strategic advantage (see "Politics and Government").

Visitors to the country often comment on the uniquely Australian whimsy for place names. For example, the Sydney Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge are both, deceptively, kinds of fungus grown in caves in land-locked Alice Springs. Similarly the states of New South Wales, Western Australia, the Northern Territories, the Australian Capital Territory and South Australia are all national parks in the island of Tasmania. Contrast the states of Queensland, Tasmania and Victoria named by the plain-speaking English.

100% Aussie Prid

Australians are perhaps proudest of their long tradition of home-slaughtering, a cherished pastime in which the whole family joins in in killing, gutting and butchering animals ranging from emu, kangaroo and platypus to the more exotic dugong and wobbegong. Another common pastime is annoying the British, for example going into a drunken diatribe about how the English murdered all the Aborigines by putting strychnine in their billabongs, then saying "Nah, just kidding, mate. You're all right ... for a stinkin', lousy, bath-dodging, whingeing Pom."

It is claimed that the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt is that a pot of yoghurt left for long enough will develop a culture. However, this joke is racist and therefore you mustn't laugh at it (even though it's funny). And anyway, I know Australia has a thriving cultural scene...I've got all Rolf Harris's LPs.

Sports

Main article: Sport in Australia

Australians are renowned for their unseemly, hairy-chested and generally puzzling obsession with sport. Anthropologists largely agree that this is because there's bugger-all in the way of Australian artistic, economic, scientific or culinary achievement for them to carry on about.

The biggest sports in Australia are, in order of popularity: cricket, Australian Rules football, rugby league, V8 Supercars, ferret racing, rugby union, two-up and the Olympics. Australians will, however, slap on the green-and-gold zinc cream and clamber aboard the bandwagon of any Australian sportsman or team that seems to be in with a sniff of winning something - for example, if an Australian tennis player other than L'il Lleyton Hewitt gets past the first round at a Grand Slam event.