Australian Values
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Australian values are a collection of things by and for which the Australian people live. Teasing kangaroos, throwing shrimps onto Barbie dolls, and guzzling Fosters while ruthlessly abusing aborignees are some examples of Australian Values.
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[edit] History of Australian Values
The values of the Aboriginal people who originally inhabited Australia were lame and boring. The only thing they seemed to care about was walking around the desert blowing colored dust onto cave walls and telling stories about scheming wallabies. Then the white man came.
The white men brought Australia some of the core values it holds onto today, such as wife abusing, spitting, wearing crocodile tooth necklaces, and travelling to New York and having hilarious adventures. Every Australian, in fact, is forced to travel at least once to New York in order to use his knowledge of the outback to screw American women and simultaneously defeat a street gang using little more than a large knife and words nobody else can understand.
[edit] Partying
Partying is about number 3 on the list of things Australians care most about, right after crocodile tooth jewelry and taking care of baby joeys (known as baby kangaroos to the rest of the world). On this note, never, EVER ask an Australian to remove his sunglasses or hat while he is partying, he will become irate.
[edit] Croc Hunting
Crocodile Hunting is the primary pastime of Australians, right behind crocodile tooth jewelry and baby joey raising, as well as partying. Partying and croc hunting usually go hand in hand, however, and it is thus impossible to tell which activity is actually more popular. While engaging in this famed tradition, Australians are known to don khaki shorts and shout things like "jiminy-bum!" and "crikey!" while dodging the snapping jaws of a croc. Typically, a boat load of Australians drunk on Fosters will paddle up a delta in a small boat, hooting and cheering and singing pub songs until they spot a large, dangerous crocodile minding it's own business. They will then throw their Fosters cans at it and taunt it by urinating into the water and high fiving eachother. Inevitably, after enough taunting, they will jump in the water, wrestle the beast to the shore, and then each take turns putting their fingers up it's butt.
[edit] Repairing the Rabbit Fence
Look, we all know that Australia has this like, huge fence going across it to keep rabbits from humping or something. So it goes without saying that they spend plenty of time drinking Fosters and shaving with their huge knives out by the rabbit fence, just to make sure no rabbits have gotten around it somehow.
[edit] Making Fun of Aborigines
Australians feel as though they have not yet done enough to denigrate, enslave, and essentially terminate the Aboriginal people from their native land. Therefore much effort and importance is placed on humiliating them in public via practical jokes such as "sucker punch the Abo" and "dump water at the Aborigine businessman in the restaurant and call him an Abo".
It is considered good etiquette for an adult to bully any nearby Aborigine children and remind them that they are savages with bones in their noses. Making them cry is considered preferential, as the tears of the Aborigine child are said to not only have healing properties, but also attract kangaroos and crocodiles.
[edit] Riding Kangaroos
Cars are frowned upon in the outback. The preferred method of transportation is by Kangaroo back. Kangaroos are known to leap over 20 feet in a single bound, and an adult male can carry one drunken Australian up to 40 miles before needing to stop for a rest!
[edit] History of Australian Values
Australian values are obvious. Beer is Australia's one greatest legacy to the world, and it is said that this is infact the livestock for which Australia lives.
Australia was one of the first countries to have equal rights for women which has lately been going backwards. John "dubya" Howard's quote "Violence towards women, Aussie says-if they deserve it."
This quote is widely thought of the reason for Howard being re elected. John "dubya" Howard has recently been accused of affairs with Peter Costello, who claims that Howard agreed to marriage nine years ago but hasn't kept his promise, which is un-Australian. Costello has been thinking about challenging Howard with divorce, but hasn't carried it through because rumours say Howard has been cheating on him with a certain chief justice of the Supreme Court. Costello demands half the cricket tickets, and a bed to share with Howard in Kirabillie House. Howard only has one thing to say to this....Intelligence says that George Bush is better hung then Peter Costello.
[edit] Other Values
Other Australian values include the following:
[edit] Vegemite
You have to love it. To foreigners it looks like shit, taste like shit, and smells like shit, making it the ideal Australia food. If a person is in Australia and they hate Vegemite, they will face the following:
- If an Australian citizen this person will be forced to give up their passport and forced to become a citizen of another country
- The current country that
peoplerejects are being forced to adopt is: Iraq
- The current country that
- Non-citizens are sent to Baxter Detention Centre and sent "home".
-
Non-CitizensTraitors are being sent to: Lebanon
-
[edit] AFL
Also called "Footy". An ok sport involving the kicking of a non round 'ball'. People can score even if they miss the goal (it is obvious that they were trying to get it in and people feel sorry that you have missed), it is called a point and is gained by kicking the ball through the two big posts separated by the entire width of the field.
- IMPORTANT NOTE: With the increase in popularity of Soccer the punishment for not liking this is only 6525 days in the stocks
[edit] Government Stuff
Another Australian value is partial apathy in government. Most people don't really care about voting but they have to get up on a Sunday Morning instead of sleeping in to vote so they don't get a $10 fine.
- There is no punishment for taking an interest in Government, unless it isn't for the Liberals
[edit] Strine Lingo
Strine, also known as Australian English or Occa, should be understood. A few useful terms are:
- Bogan: A really cool person
- Should be used whenever possible
- Shiela: the name of ALL Stryine shielas.
- Be-er: How to spell beer.
- Note, XXXX is commonly used in Queensland
- South Australia: The Mexico of Australia
Note that although "rooting" has a different meaning, Australians encourage Amerisians to use it in the USAian term.
[edit] Chances of Citizenship
If you understand all the above, and a few extra like a hatred of Victorians in South Australia, or intolerance in the state of Cronulla, you should be fine.
Although, the following should be noted. If you can do the following...
- Fluently speak English and three other languages
- Have a degree in Rocket Science or Brain Surgery
- Been offered a job in a University
- Use big words
... you will not be let into the country because you have broken the most important Australian value- dumbness, (or using the Dept. of Immigration term, a Smart-arse.)
NB. It is still a requirement that all people intending to settle in Australia must have a criminal record.
