Australians
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Australians, also known as "Aussies" or in Britain "Fucking Convicts", are notorious for eating various roadkill national animals for breakfast, and attempting to laugh at themselves. They probably think that last part was funny.
Australia consists largely of people who come from a country other than Australia. The long and the short of it is that Australians love beer, money, beer, cricket, beer, football, beer, rugby, beer and anything they can fuck (including beer). Things they can't fuck are great too, since deep down Australians really love a challenge.
There are a few different types of Australians:
| Current Demographics | |||
| 0.3% | 0.30% | ||
| 0.02% | 0.842%% | ||
| 0.832% | 0.05% | ||
| 0.497% | 0.1% | ||
| 0.???% | 97.832% | ||
| Total: 100% | |||
[edit] Yuppies
The stupidest of all, Brisvegas and Sydney yuppies demonstrate just how low human intelligence can go. They greet others with "ciao", and end a conversation with "arrivederci", despite their lack of Italian vocabulary and lack of roots in Italy. They think prawn chips are Chinese, and that their favourite restaurant cooks excellent Malaysian cuisine, despite the chef there having worked a lifetime as an IT technician in his homeland of Hong Kong.
It is not dangerous at all to deal with a Brisvegas / Sydney Yuppie, except when they are riding a scooter. However; never, ever set foot in his / her house because your head will explode like JFK's due to the eye-melting Dulux paint color scheme, complete with garish 'feature walls' within. Further disasters will follow as your child impales themselves on a weird-looking lava lamp-cum-'marital aid' which the Yuppie bought from a 'retro' furniture store, or made themselves after watching an episode of "Better Homes & Gardens" on Australia's state-run television network. A yuppie's house is where the entire Universe collapses - don't walk in !
It is also a known fact that australians are actually zombies, but they only eat cats, although if they are angry they can attack people.
[edit] Bogans
- Main article: Bogan
Bogan (pronounced BOE-gn) is someone who drives an old 'Commodore', 'Cortina', or 'Daddo 180-B' (all types of motorized water closet), lives in a government housing estate, and likes to harrass other citizens with colorful language and/or by decorating their front garden with miscellaneous motor vehicle components.
Bogans are stereotypically considered to be old children (from approximately 15 to 30 years of age). Bogans mature to become Yobboes. Low to midrange literacy and intelligence, (80-100 IQ) and above average physical strength are also prominent elements. The bogan accent is highly distinguishable, being a high-pitched variant of Australian strine similar to "ocker", and the vernacular relies heavily upon truncated words and profanity. Bogans will typically use the phrase "yous" to refer to two or more people, and will modify people's names by adding "azza" (ie Barry = Bazza, Sharon = Shazza).
Although bogans are inherently ugly in appearance, some wealthier bogans are actually obsessively vain. Celebrity bogan men will often appear in hair loss commercials. Some bogan men wear beanies or caps to hide their receding hairlines, or simply shave their heads. Those with a full head of hair will often sport a mullet hairstyle, or use highlights. Many bogans also use fake tan products, visit solariums, or sunbake for extended periods. It is not uncommon for a bogan to spend hours at the gym building up their biceps, whilst continuing to be proud of their beer belly, and rarely practicing sit-ups or ab-crunches. Some bogans will even try to expose themselves publicly to stroke their egos. Bogan men are also obsessive womanisers, and will often two-time or even flirt openly with other women in front of their girlfriends without any sense of guilt.
Despite the Great Australian War of Independence, Bogans still share many of the same characteristics with their British antecedents, ethnic Chavs. They are also profoundly resiliant creatures, having survived both the Initial Bogan Remedy / Hug (now referred to as the Inhumanely Violent and misnamed Bogan Killing Spree) and Semi-Great Bogan / Ugg-Boot Purge of 1989. Bogans can be found in several Bogan Strongholds around Australia, including Pakenham, Cooper Pedy, Alice Springs, Broken Hill, Campbelltown and the Gold Coast.
Currently, the government program which some are describing as 'Ethnic-Cleansing' is diminishing their numbers greatly. The majority of academics nonetheless hail this as a victory for evolution.
[edit] Outback Raiders
Founded by Nightrider, and then succeeded by the following; Toecutter, Lord Humungus, and Aunty Entity. Outback Raiders are an inland tribe who drive really fast modified 1970's muscle-cars and dune buggies, to catch up to stray fuel tankers in order to run them off the road and steal the precious juice within. Their mortal enemy is the mythical "Mad" Max Rockatansky, who is said to engage in spectacular vehicular combat across the desert sands in a effort to purge the land of these vermin.
Unlike other parts of Aussa-lania where fuel is readily available and relatively cheap, the "juice" is relatively non-existent in these wastelands, so motorized gangs seek gasoline wherever they can, while wearing mean looking hockey masks and assless cowboy-chaps without any sort of homo-erotic subtext. That being said, on rare occasions Outback Raiders may resort to mild S&M activity, because women are just as rare as fuel in the outback.
[edit] Yobboes
As previously mentioned, once they eventually mature, Bogans grow up to be Yobboes. The reason for such a high amount of Australia's population being yobboes is that all Australians are desecendants of the outlaw wizards of Azkaban. Yobboes are easily recognized by their immense backwardness, and their unquestioned love of footy, cricket, and tabloid "news" programs broadcast on the government-run television station. These programs have titles such as A Current Affair and Today Tonight, and are compulsory viewing for all Australians over the age of 10, in much the same way the telescreens could never be turned off in George Orwell's '1984'.
The Yobboe's murmurs and complaints can be heard even light years away from Earth, as the Commonwealth Government makes her 'voluntary' donation towards maintaining the historical Australian-American alliance. Whenever a Yobboe gets a cold, or and STD, and so on, they will simply point their finger at a nearby Asian or Muslim, because they perceive these to be the cause of all of the country's problems.
Occasionally Yobboes will respond to their distinctive mating call (the sound of a mobile phone receiving an SMS), by congregating at a nearby beach. The Yobboe will then perform an elaborate mating ritual, waving the official flag of Australia in local pubs and streets. The use of smoke grenades and flashbangs is optional, but some Yobboe younglings prefer to stock components of Molotov Cocktail, which will be used to aid their mating ritual. In all cases, the Yobboe mating ritual reaches its climax when either an ethnic is spotted in the vicinity, or the cops come along and spoil the party.
[edit] Yob Religion
The yob religion, usually shortened to Ya'bingin', is primarily an unconscious form of worship. It has as its focus a semi-mythical being, the Great Australian Old One, Yob Pissoff. Yob Pissoff is believed to have formed Himself from a great, bubbling pool of fermenting fluid and then created Australia from those same foaming depths whilst in the throes of a drunken orgy with the Australian goddess, Sheila.
Yobboes celebrate this miraculous event through consumption of beer, which initiates (called "Piss-Heads") believe to be the gift of Yob Pissoff and the primal fluid from whence their deity came. They're not entirely sure from where Sheila came, but give thanks for Her existence too. They aspire to become like Yob Pissoff through beer consumption, and then to consummate this change with sheilas of their own. Though there have been no reports of Piss-Heads achieving this exalted state; Ya'bingin' ceremonies frequently result in the lesser state of unconsciousness (as distinct from the lesser state of Tasmania), considered essential to the development of a mental state approaching that of their deity's.
Piss-Heads faced with opposition to the practice of their sacred rites invariably respond by invoking the name of their god, "Pissoff!"
[edit] Kangaroos
- Main article: Kangaroo
Many outside observers find it puzzling that kangaroos should be included in official population figures. The reason for this odd inclusion is as follows.
For great periods in the nation's history, the country's dry, inhospitable interior was peopled largely by butch, sweaty, manly types, three woman in Alice Springs named Shazza, and lots of kangaroos. Now perhaps you've heard how sailors, after being out to sea for so long they've forgotten what a woman looks like, mistake dugongs, dolphins, and other such creatures for mermaids ? Similar story.
You see, to many Australian eyes after failing to see anything both female and human in a number of years, and finding themselves covered with beer goggles only achievable through Australian drinking habits, well, it's not that kangaroos started to resemble comely wenches - it's just that they started to look like a really good root. You think Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport is just a quaint little Rolf Harris song? No sir - it's a tawdry journey through the dark, bestiality-infested underbelly of Australian outback society.
At any rate, Australians are on the whole a fairly egalitarian bunch. So in answer to the 'Kangaroo Question', it was decided in 1962 that if they were going to ask them to fight in two World Wars, make up approx. 30% of the workforce and routinely sodomise them, the least they could do in return was to give the poor bastards the vote.
Hence, kangaroos officially make up 8% of the population and using modern technology, Australians are now able to breed with them succesfully, creating a new species, called the "Ausaroo".
[edit] Japanese Tourists
Everyone with a brain knows the difference between locals and tourists, so why are Japanese Tourists considered Australian? Well, a long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, the Australian Bureau of Statistics (a popular Canberra nightclub for gay men and accountants) refused to recognise Jedi as an established religion on the grounds that the Jedi knights were unable to show proof of their faith i.e. an activated lightsaber. (Unfortunately, a Jedi is not supposed to use his/her weapon except when under attack, and since those at the Bureau were so geeky there was simply no reason for the Jedi knights to flaunt a glowing blade.) In retaliation, Samuel L. Jackson and the rest of the Jedi Council decided to play a mind trick on the Bureau, causing them to register a Japanese tourist as an Australian citizen whenever the latter hugs a Koala.
[edit] New-Zealanders And Other Census Ignorers
Such under-represented groups include: Wogs, Kiwis, Backpackers
A lesser known fact is that all famous Australians are in fact New Zealanders.
[edit] Famous Australians
| Table of | |
| Australians | Famous for |
| Crocodile Dundee | throwing shrimps on the barbie |
| Bert Newton | being a logie whore, and the man in the moon |
| Cate Blanchett | Being Dickie Knee, a well loved cap-wearing mop. She has since moved up in the world, becoming a fine blonde wig on a stick. Holds the coveted position of the only fine blonde wig on a stick that can act, though this title was attained despite much controversy (See Britney Spears). |
| David Boon | continuously scratching his balls, former Pope of Ya'bingin' |
| Kano | One of the original cast members of the hit movie, Mortal Kombat. Easily recognizable by his thick goatee, thick accent, and the metal plate on the right side of his face (making him look like the Terminator). He loves chicken legs, beer, not wearing a shirt, and getting breaks (head-scissors) from beautiful women |
| John Howard | being the first Australian Dark Lord of the Sith |
| Mel Gibson | Running about in a pair of Y Fronts in Ireland while pretending he is Scottish, of course as everyone knows he loves Jews and is stone cold sober all the time, especially while being polite and co-operative with Police Officers. |
| Kylie Minogue | Sex on legs, and also funnily enough a favorite on the Internet amongst foot-fetish perverts |
| Michelle Leslie | being an ex-con...what a true aussie! |
| Pauline Hanson | being a flagpole, and a mean-spirited blood-nut. Also well known for her brief tenure as the first Queen Yobbo. |
| Rolf Harris | Shaking a piece of cardboard or something ... |
| Russell Crowe | South Sydney Rabbitohs and hoiking a phone at some guy. |
| Shane Warne | Tying with Paris Hilton for the Guinness world record - Most girls slept with in the one night |
| Steve Irwin | overuse of the word "Crikey" |
| Anthony Mundine | Longest naked walk - AAPT Vibrating headband! |
| Adam Phillips | getting infected with the bubonic plague and having three heads |
| The Veronicas | setting a recored for putting the most people in depression with their droning music. Also for buying out every makeup store in Sydney central of eye make up for one concert. |
| The Chaser | Pissing off politicians. |
[edit] Statistical Anomalies
???% of the population. It's fairly possible by now that an Australian may have read through these demographics and thought to themselves - Hey, Im not represented ! We all know that this is due to the common political speak- the silent majority. This seemingly huge proportion of the Australian population (somewhere between 40-70%) has never been properly studied. To illustrate the general size of the total Australian population, there are more Ford F-Series pickup trucks in the world than there are Australians. Many statisticians comment on what the silent majority is, but nobody has yet positively identified them in their culture, beliefs and interaction with other Australians. Jimmy Barnes (a big Scotch drinking entertainer, and sometime karaoke singer) has talked about the working class man and Sheila groups, but apart from token gestures these are often ignored, abused, and generally berated by the above minorities who seem to think they own the country.
Statistical Anomalies come from many backgrounds and nationalities, and always pose a problem to governments in how they react to certain situations. They seem to be extremely intelligent (though deliberately act dumb), hard working, humorous, friendly and humble, although they have vices like everybody else. If it wasn't for them their country would be a third world nation; not unlike the United States of America. Every silent member of this majority seems to keep a list of jokes to handy for when disaster strikes, otherwise there is always more beer and cigarettes to sort things out.
[edit] Kim Beazley
Former Grand High Poobah Kim Beazley a.k.a. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat a.k.a. Double (Chin) a.k.a. Who (?) is an incredibly fat man. He is often mistaken for Mikey Robbins, Jabba The Hutt, or an American tourist.
[edit] Australian Women
Contrary to popular opionion, intelligent, attractive, well-mannered Australian women do exist, and can be found in their natural habitat (i.e. London, Los Angeles, Melbourne and Singapore)
[edit] Australianwannabeism
Australianwannabeism is a rare religion that only seems to affect men from America.
It is easy to spot a person with Australianwannabeism because it is more of a disease than a religion. Some of the symptoms are:
- Wearing thongs (not flip-flops, get it right !)
- Getting very drunk
- Saying things like: cheers mate, bloody hell, strewth and so on
- Growing abnormal looking beards and being mistaken for Jesus
One person who I can recall with Australianwannabeism is Jon "Jesus" Walker. People with Australianwannabeism should be rushed to the nearest hot dog stand and fed until they are dangerously overweight.
[edit] How to have a good time at a concert
Australians are known by famous people all over the world for their amazing throwing ability. Concert going Aussies will throw anything that isn't nailed down such as plastic bottles, glow sticks, glass bottles, beer, crowd barriers, shoes, bras, underpants, pants, shirts, jackets and the most popular object to throw - people. Occasionally the odd idiot will throw back the drum sticks that the drummer threw into the mosh pit in the first place.
Aussie concert goers (aka moshers) proudest moments:
- Pissing off that dude from Fall Out Boy, Pete Wentz.
- Making Amy Lee (singer of Evanescence) a moving target.
- Hitting Patrick Stump, the singer of Fall Out Boy with a plastic bottle without him dying or crying.
- Converting Jon Walker (the ..."Good"... bass player of Panic! At The Disco) into the religion, Australianwannabeism.
- Getting hit in the head with picks then saying "What the bloody hell?".
[edit] External links
