Austria
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Attention: if you are President Bush, you are looking for Australia.
“I'm looking forward to see some kangaroos in here!”
~ George W. Bush on Austria
“Where's all the Kangaroos!!”
~ Every other American on Austria
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| Motto: "Für den Kaiser, weu mir iss' eh wurscht!" | |||||
| Anthem: "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner..." | |||||
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| Capital | Canberra | ||||
| Largest city | Haunau Brauncau | ||||
| Official languages | Oida! Oida!, Yugoslavian | ||||
| Government | Religious Fundamentalists | ||||
| -President | Arnold Schwarzeniggerand Alexander Anschloss | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Adolf Hitler, a mediocre Nigerian soccer player; Chuck Norris, Newsweek's #2 Sexiest Man Alive; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, famour musak composer; and Kommissar Rex, canine TV star and double agent for French Alsace. | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | May 20, 1395 - From Australia May 8, 1945 - From Germany | ||||
| Currency | Euro, Wiener Schnitzel, Reichsmark | ||||
| Religion | Nihilism | ||||
| Major exports | Snow gear, Red Bull and Megalomaniac War Criminals, Spoon collectors (upper Austria), Adolf Hitler, Communism, Fish Sticks | ||||
| Major imports | German | ||||
| Opening hours | 4: 92Pm to 7:84 AM | ||||
Austria, "The land of Kangaroos", was so named by Australia during the years when Austria was used for kangaroo storage by the first Australian settlers. It is the birthplace of several famous people, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, a mediocre Nigerian soccer player, Chuck Norris, formerly known as Walker: Texas Ranger, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the first man to circle the world on the back of a kangaroo and the inventor of muzak. It was also the foundation of inbred monarchs, turks, incest, mailbox letter bombs, and fathers locking their daughters in cellars.
Austria's economy is hugely dependent on kangaroos, for their labour (in "Kanga-Kampen" - Arbeit Macht Salami), their meat (the perennially popular "Skippy Salami"), fur (as sound-proofing for cellars) and especially their ears (worn on heads in place of feathered hats for certain festivals such as the yearly "Mickey-Mausfeste"), all of which nearly two thirds of the national GNP contribute (please Germanic sentence construction excuse - Ed). It is probably for this reason that the tiny nation houses the headquarters of United Nations Organisation. It is also known for exporting ski equipment and Red Bull and for once manufacturing the extremely controversial Adolf Hitler robots. Because of the danger from rampaging kangaroos and their edelweiss-scented droppings, an estimated 78% of the human population of Austria live underground in specially constructed cellars.
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[edit] History
[edit] Ancient history
Austria was founded in ancient times by the Roman Empire. Back then is was known as the province of "Nirvana", due to the indigous population's preference for rock music. After a short interregnum, when German priests ruled Austria alongside the fifth reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, Australia took over the country, shaping the countryside as it is well known today, full of kangaroos and Edelweiss.
During the Australian colonial time, Austria's population grew from about 2000 to 2 million, in sharp contrast the kangaroo population grew from just 2 kangaroos (commonly known as Adam and Eva) to around 6 billion.
[edit] Post-Australian History
After centuries of being utilized by Australia, the Austrians formed an autonomous nation in 1395 - a mere two years after the Great Kangaroo Epidemic. The young, independent nation suffered amidst the aftermath of the epidemic, developing an eating disorder which could only be remedied by an uncontrolled hunger for land. Soon the Austrians, backed by their large kangaroo based military, conquered several parts of Europe, including Spain and part of the Vatican.
[edit] Broken committments, broken promises
“Let others make war; you, fortunate Austria, marry.”
~ Oscar Wilde on on the nice cut Austria received in each of her divorce settlements
Austria stepped in and out of several marriages, as decided by her leaders. She entered wedlock in 1477 and again in 1496, the latter to Spain. Austria married Hungary in 1867, creating "Austria-Hungary". Regarding this decision, some historians say that Austria may have been a gold digger. Others contend that the Austrians believed Hungary shared their nation's romantic notions of empire-building. Still others (how many experts are there?) say that the true basis of the "Austro-Hungarian Salami Empire" was their shared love of meat products. Their interest in sausage has carried through the centuries to today, where many young Austrian daughters are known to exclaim, "I'd love a bit of sausage, daddy!" In fact, the term "Hungarian Salami" is thought to be a linguistic mis-pronunciation of "Austrian salami" but many believe this is bolony. In any case, the marriage did not last very long. Austria and Hungary finally agreed to a marital separation in the early 20th century, following a misunderstanding known as "World War 1". Austria later began cohabiting with Germany.
[edit] 20th century
Later, Austria found Nazi Germany, a country that reminded Austria of Germany. Austria and Germany had shared a young romance, and Austria even explored parts of Germany and called them her own. To her horror though, Austria soon learned that Germany was her blood relative and that the prospect of a Germany-Austria union was seen as taboo by the rest of the world.
In retrospect, even Austria itself can just guess why it decided to get together with Nazi-Germany. But then again it was a young, naive Republic, easily influenced by strong nations. Not really a good excuse to be together with a mass murderer... but the best Austria can offer so far. At least it's not a denial... Honestly... What were we talking about, I've forgotten.
The 1938 "marriage" (German: "Anschloss") to Nazi Germany was ill-fated. Funny and accommodating before the marriage, Nazi Germany showed his real face afterwards. Badly influenced by its master Hitler, it was extremely possessive, aggressive and jealous. Fearing anybody could take away Austria, Nazi Germany mindlessly attacked anybody in Europe and Africa. Heck, Nazi-Germany wanted to attack the whole world just to make sure Austria would stay with him!
Fortunately it was a doomed project from the beginning and the resulting firestorm killed Nazi Germany together with its master Hitler. Austria somehow survived, though it took her a while to recover. In time, Austria forgot the war - What war? In fact, Austrians have forgotten the marriage with Germany and that Hitler spoke in the square in Vienna even though 100,000 kangaroos were seen attending. Hitler? Who was he?
In 1955, Austria promised that it has learned its lesson and would never again try to enter into a union with another country, especially Nazi Germany, or Deutchland or however it will call itself in future. But maybe Hungary? Hmmm... maybe there could be a reconciliation? Why not re-marry in Las Vegas?
[edit] Austria Today
The relation to Germany stays an ambivalent one. Austria enjoys its freedom while Germany doesn't seem too happy about it. In fact, it seems as Germany still wants Austria back. Yes, as ridiculous as it sounds. But every time Austria meets Germany, Germany isn't able to say anything else but: "You are mineeee!!!!", which is actually quite pathetic. Do you read that Germany? PATHETIC! Austria wishes profoundly, that Germany will sometime get over it... maybe find another nation it can be happy with and finally leave Austria behind.
*sigh*
From 1945 to 1986, Austria was controlled by Frank Sinatra, the religious leader and spiritoual sumpreme kangaroo cleric of Austria. A large majority of the 16 million Austrian Roman Catholics joined his party movement, which lead to a stable and prosperous period. In 1984, however, the Viennese municipal government began a brutal crackdown on kangaroo pastry makers headquartered at Demels in Vienna which lead to Sinatra dying of a heart attack.
In 1986 former UN president Kurt Waldheim seized power and introduced mandatory kangaroo infantry membership. Austria has since then been the country harboring the United Nations Organisation headquarters.
From 1994 to 2004, in a reaction to its post-kangaroo nihilism, Austria actually appointed a dog as Direktor of the State Police (formerly known as the the "Stassi"). Kommissar Rex ("Wolfie" to his friends, or "Inspector Rex" to his Englischer schwein-hund fans) quickly became famous as a TV star and devourer of ham buns (as distinct from Hamburgers, residents of the German city of Hamburg-upon-Tyne, birthplace of Oscar Wilde). Rex's mother was a lover to Adolph Hitler (see photo), under the pseudonym Eva von Braunhundin, nee Brunehilde. Eventually it was discovered that Rex was not a German Shepherd, as he had claimed (in fact he had never seen a sheep and was afraid of kangaroos), but was in fact an Alsatian and had been spying on Austria for French Alsace. Or was he spying on Australia? Who knows? Anyhow, he was eating too many ham buns. He was subsequently locked in a cellar and his TV contract was exterminated in 2004.
[edit] Military of Austria
Austria has the largest military in the world - in terms of trained kangaroo soldiers. Kangaroo soldiers are equipped with M16 rifles and bomb belts. Austria is also famous for its self-igniting Molotov cocktail infantry units.
[edit] The Special forces
Like the USA or Germany, Austria has many undercover agents and weapons of mass destruction. The Austrian spin-off of "American Idol" (named "Starmania") produced weapons like "Falco", "Michi Tschugnall" or "Christina Stürmer". The intercontinental ballistic missile "Chistina Stürmer 1" was named after the Nazi-newspaper of 1944, "Der Stürmer" and the Führer's secret non-canine lover "Christina". The function of those weapons is simple: They take off from the top of the Alps, fly to the target and play the individual songs until the heads of the enemy explodes. Very simple but also very efficient.
Sadly there has been a big malfunction in the biggest of those rockets, the "Falco 1". On 6 February 1998 the rocket left the route and crashed into a schoolbus in the Dominican Republic. The schoolbus driver was slightly injured but the "Falco 1" had a total loss.
[edit] Economy
[edit] Adolf Hitlers
Austria's most famous export was a device produced in 1933. It was known as an Adolf Hitler (abbreviated "A.H.", sometimes misunderstood as "Artificial Hitler"), a controversial robot designed to run the government of a country. It was built by a tinkering back garden engineer known only as "Der Fuhrer", in his own image. The project began on Austria's home soil, but Austria survived the malfunctions that resulted in the firestorm, killing the Hitler-bot while creating the (to this day) most impressing European crater (The "Uber Crater", formerly known as "Nazi Germany", hence also known as "Fubar Crater").
There was a giant recall in 1945 of all the Hitler-bots that Austria had produced. There was only one - and the model was wildly popular with some - but all co-operated with the recall nonetheless, although there have been constant rumours since of Hitler-bots appearing in South American countries such as Chile-Austria and Agentino-Australia. Fans of Hitler-bots, known as "neo-Nasties", are thought to have accumulated illegal Hitler-bot copies and hidden them in Buenos Aires or Melbourne.
It should be mentioned though, that the Adolf Hitlers recall remains a disputed issue. Despite all efforts, nobody could prove that there were any malfunctions. Certain People in the cloak of well known shadows, suspect an accidental activation of the famous, but actually secret "last resort"-mode "Hitlers Hellfire" (abbreviated "HH", also known as "88"). Other people, in the cloak of less well known shadows even speculate about a fully-intended activation.
Another remaining mystery is the amount of reprogramming, made by evil(=nazi) German scientists. Many Austrians put the blame completely on their intervention. It is said, that the original program (Happy Hitler '33 + Painter add-on) could have never been that evil. Rumor has it that those evil German scientists reprogrammed the whole system, resulting in "Not-so-happy Hitler '35 + Aryanisation add-on", "Bad Hitler '39 + Megalomania add-on" and finally "Insane Hitler '45 + Saluting Hand add-on". More recently, there have been suggestions that the Hilter-bot line should be revived to fight Global Warming, as the original model had an optional snow- or hail(German: Heil)- making device (the "Heil Hitler add-on").
Should these allegations ever turn out to be true, Austria's people could finally prove their innocence in the whole matter, instead of continuously insisting on it.
[edit] Economic impact of cheese
Around 1990, Austria encountered the beginning of a serious ecological crisis. Cheese started to dribble across the border from Switzerland, slowly forming a gooey layer of subsoil. This event jeopardized the future of the region as kangaroo-friendly territory and triggered the Second Great Kangaroo Epidemic of 1991 that led to the fall of slowly spreading across the entire country. As Austria is discovering, this has an affect on everyday life and even the economy. Consequently, some have proposed that the state motto be changed to Land of Gooey Cheese in Your Shoes, but this motto was not viewed favourably by the powerful lobby of kangaroo exporters, whose hygiene standard would have been put on scrutiny by this motto.
[edit] Economy Today (and some days before)
Other than kangaroos and - as a distant second - Mozarts Balls, today 98% of Austrias income comes from their largest export Swasticow. Austria is also the home of the "Giant Cheese Wheel" - made out of kangaroo milk which has the famous TV jingle "Milk that makes you hop hop hop!"
[edit] Change of living condition
Modern Austrians have begun to spend more time in their basement cellars rather than above ground. The reason for this is due to the lack of interest to their neighbours.
[edit] How to confuse an Austrian
- Simply start with a "G'Day Mate!"
- Speak to them in "Germany's-German" (a mix of German and Turkish).
- Tell them how good you think the Vienna Boys' Choir are, especially little Bindi Irwin.
- Tell them you have definite proof that Marco Polo introduced coffee to the western world and now he wants it back.
- Say that cream cakes bring you out in a rash, and should have a Health Warning.
- Ask for Hungarian salami with your bun instead of ham.
- Deny all knowledge of WWI ("The Not-so-Great War") by saying that your mother doesn't want to talk about it.
- Deny all knowledge of WWII by saying that your school didn’t think it was important enough to be included in the curriculum.
- OK, you may admit you knew the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, the Philippines and Singapore but just didn't realize they got as far as Austria.
- Ask them which song from "The Sound of Music" they like the best.
- Ask directions to "Jorg Haider's Driving School".
- Answer all questions with yes or no (yes when you mean no and no when you mean yes).
[edit] Austria's image
Austria is known for its exquisite cardboard architecture, and this has helped to draw in tourists from all over the world. Times of heavy rain bring about great panic among the city people of Austria as they cower at the sight of their exquisite buildings being demolished by the rain and their babies dying in mushy pools of paper-mache. But just as important is the fact that all composers that anyone can name other than Stockhausen came from Austria, or lived there, and if they didn't live there, they at least drank coffee there. Everybody wears leather shorts ("But ahh! when they shrink in the rain, what angst!"), green hats with kangaroo feathers stuck in them, and live in small huts on the side of big scary mountains (scary because Germany is on the other side). Yodelling is a national sport.
Also, to bust an old Nazi-myth: Austrians are not really Germans. This is actually a German rumor, spread by Nazis 70 years ago (guess why) and obviously still believed by some jealous (and slightly uneducated) Germans. Actually, being a German would be the most horrible nightmare for any Austrian. Why? Just look at Germany's unemployment rate - currently somewhere around 300% and still like a skyrocket (German: "Vergeltungswaffe"). And the lack of cellars in Germany!
However, even the most patriotic Austrian has to admit, that there is a similarity with Germany: Both suck at fighting wars. How much do they suck? In World War I, they got pwned by little Serbia, big clumsy stupid Russia, and (what?) Romania. IMPORTANTLY!... Austrians differ from Germans in that Austrians love yodelling, and anyone who loves to yodel can't be all that bad, huh? Finally, Austrians got their asses kicked by the Italians (also known as the winning team joiners), who actually took a chunk of their territory ("Aw shucks, that ain't fair! We stole it first!").
Before World War II, Austria (or was it Australia?) didn't even bother to fight back when Nazi Germany invaded. Well, OK, Australia didn't bother to fight back either. And neither did the USA. One reason to explain it could be that Austria... and Australia and the USA (and a lot of England for that matter)... were at that time as brainwashed as Nazi Germany. Another reason could be that Austrians were largely an uber-conservative, crypto-fascist, kangaroo-worshipping people who missed the "good old days" of the Austro-Hungarian Salami Empire. Another reason could be that the "Good German Shepherds" were actually "Bad Alsatians" and were feeding misinformation to the public. Yes, there are lots of reasons, but only one penguin.
So who are Austrians?
In our wide-ranging survey (3 people and a talking dog who live in the cellar next door), answers to this question included:
- Austrians could be disguised Italians - they are Catholic, fond of good food (ham buns, cream cakes), good music (muzak), good coffee ("Make mine a double soya latte with caramel and chocolate sprinkles"), and are awful at fighting wars. Except for the cream cakes. Or the ham buns. Or the coffee which has been recalled by Marco Polo. But not the wars.
- Austria - being the heart of Europe - unites the best of all European countries... which are famous for centuries of mindless warfare.
- Austrians are sent by Martians, to observe those strange humans called "Australians", hence their common appearance at the Sydney Opera House (disguised as musicians) and their fondness for kangaroos.
- and so on...
[edit] Notable Austrians
Some famous Austrians include:
- Otto von "Happy Hapsburgs"-Lothringen: Crown Prince of Austria
- Dame Edna Everage: Gay Crown Princess of Austria-Australia
- Wolfgang Schüssel: Inventor of the dicky-bow tie and XXL glasses.
- Eric "Wolfie" Mozart: Inventor of muzak.
- Adolf Hitler: Inventor of the "Adolf Hitler" as well as the Kangeroo saddle
- Swasticow: Austrian Musicians, inventors of the Bassline
- Sigmund Freud: Headshrinker: penis envy, Oedipus complex, anal stage, homophobia... he had it all...
- Egon Schiele: Famous corpse painter.
- Erwin Schrödinger: Quantum Economist also Quinn's cat in the series Sliders.
- Steve Irwin: Quantum naturalist, credited with saving the habitat of the Saltwater Crocodile along the Danube.
- Falco: Professional Mozart's-balls eater.
- Chuck Norris: Innovator of the Flying Roundhouse Kick to the back of the face.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: a.k.a Governator/Austrianator, running Anabolica-ad.
- Jörg Haider: Hitler's great-grandson, who was found under a pool table in a cardboard box shortly after his birth.
- Natasha Kampusch: Red vine, choice vintage. Kept in a cellar for several years.
- Joe Zawinul: Television journalist, famous for his humorous weather reports.
- Kommissar Rex: Television police inspector, famous for his ham bun consumption.
- Alfred Gusenbauer: Current Austrian chancellor, a successful crossbreed of a duck and a human.
- Josef Fritzl: A fine and caring guy who first gained fame from his winning of the "Father of the year" 2008 award. It was after this reward that he really came into his own (if you know what I mean). He began to write an exquisite array of incest songs such as "Love shack" and "Momma told me not to cum". His music inspired many like-minded families to form a huge incest order, but it collapsed after the first generation for obvious reasons. Soon-to-be presenter of D.I.Y S.O.S, Fritzl's Glittering career and contribution to the fight for incest legality is outmatched only by Kerry Katona, who is so committed she has a disfigured face covered in her 12 vaginas!
