Autism
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“lol ”
~ God on Autism
“Why are you staring at Me?”
~ Me on Autism
Common characteristics of the disease include the ability to form independent opinions, being overly concerned about the quality of paint used in ceilings and walls, being overly concerned about cracked or chipped window panes, speaking in tounges, laser beams shooting from the afflicted's eyes, self-harm, and a strong craving for justice.
Some scientists say that autism is caused by a mercury poisoning, but these scientists are Nazi liars paid by Hitler to misinform the public so he can begin a new reign over the people of Germany and the world if he can conquer it all.
There are a number of theories about autism. Most of the theories are total bullshit.
Contents |
[edit] Autism in history
Throughout history, many of the great people have had certain degrees of Autism. These geniuses include Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg, Bill Gates, Sir Issac Newton and many others. And your mom.
One of the great examples of this was on one fine day in 1923, Albert Einstein was working on his E=MC2 formula. After, one of the professors said, "No. You're wrong. E will NEVER equal MC squared." Our friend Albert then started screaming and hitting his head with his open hand. The professor became so scared that E ended up equalling MC squared even though it really didn't. No one knows this for a fact, because NO ONE is as smart as Albert Einstein. I do, though.
[edit] CAN
It is a common misconception that Cure Autism Now is actually HELPING the autistic community. BIG mistake. You see, their president is none other than Satan! Satan founded Cure Autism Now in sometime in the 1990's and still is the president. Famous staff members include Fred Phelps, Adolf Hitler, George Wallace, Heinrich Himmler (Hitler's right-hand man), Xerxes, Persia, and some robot dudes.
[edit] Prevalence
The chances of being born with Autism were once thought to be 1 in about a jagillion, but modern studies show that it's closer to somewhere between 1 in 200 and 1 in 201. This may be because most children are faking it.
Some people have read somewhere that it's actually around 1 in 150. So either kids are getting really good at faking it, or you have better chance of being autistic than getting in a car crash.
Studies show 100% of regular Uncyclopedia contributors have some kind of autism variant. Yeah, it's not just you Digimon. Now, let's continue forth...
[edit] SCHOOL
Autistic people are most of the time prejudiced. Therefore, they go on and on about the No child left behind, criticizing the the popularity-crazed fool who wrote this pathetic law. However, it's not all the law's fault. The crumbling ESE systems in public schools with the introduction of Gangstas and Smart people who act like complete dumbasses might have a relatively large part in the prejudice of autistics as well as mentally-handicapped individuals and physically-handicapped individuals. Did we also mention the school therapists actually being stupid enough to believe the rhetoric that is preached by Andrew Wakefield and Ivar Lovaas?
[edit] Treatment
Well, ONE thing is for certain: it's NOT A.B.A. at all! A.B.A. is a technique first used by the prince of darkness himself to control innocent naive children into becoming his minions, eventually building up a giant army then turning them over to Saddam Hussein as he leads them to conquer the world. This plan backfired since Saddam was executed, however. A.B.A. was also reportedly used by Hitler and the other commanders in the Nazi regime. This suggests that, when the time is right, Satan will hand over his A.B.A.-treated zombie minions over to Hitler. Oh, wait, Hitler's dead. Besides, what I really meant was Barney the Dinosaur Hitler.
[edit] History of Hate
Mexico
Since 1999 youths in Mexico were discriminative against people with autism. Those youth thought that autism is a permanent, "contagious" disease, or an "evil curse", and they were extremely afraid that they might get it. These discriminative people are rumored to be high on drugs, but they are really 'perfectionists'; they never EVER do drugs and alcohol, because they are afraid that doing drugs will turn them into freaks, and drinking alcohol will turn them into dumbasses (those two scenarios are very much realistic, however). They mistreat people with autism. They believed that they are "too cool" to be kind to people with autism, and believed that people with autism are not worthy enough to be treated kindly and to live. They even murder the people with autism, because they believed that autism makes people who have it to be life-long failures and to be far too useless for the world. One of the brutal forms of murder these people use is called Applied Behavioral Analysis, where they shock a person for autistic behaviour that SOMETIMES ISN'T EVEN BAD until they die and threats, such as, "You are SO fucking DEAD, you USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!" or, "Furbies are going to eat you!". Eventually, regulations were put in place to stop this prejudicial trend after the fatal beating of an autistic kid just outside Mexico City.
United States
The United States judicial system has been opposed to autism for a long time. After failing to deliver justice in about 95%, people began to question if the judicial system was actually doing its job. An example of such mistrials would be the case of Daniel Leubner. He had died in a house fire intentionally set by his mom to kill him. Daniel's Mom made up an outrageous lie: she lied that Daniel raped her (possibly with a bowling ball) the night of the fire. Without any evidence to support her extreme claims, she was given only 6 years in jail. The United States is also the biggest denouncer of autism, being the headquarters for such fascist groups as Cure Autism Now, Autism Speaks, and Talk About Curing Autism...and those are only a few of the evils that lie on the surface of the US. President George Dubya Bush recently passed the 'Combating Against Autism Act'. Many people would eventually become so pissed off, they'd move to another country. Most people who didn't know better STILL despised autism, but the main reason everyone moved was because of Dubya.
[edit] Love of them
They are also loved and revered, so don't you worry. Sparta loves them dearly, so when the Persians tried to slaughter our autistic friends, they just were all slaughtered by Leonidas, and Kratos, as they are the guardians of the autistic community!
Autists now would respond like this:
Persian: This is blasphemy, this is madness!
Autistic Spartan: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(decapitates Persian, then kicks him into a hole)
[edit] Cure
Most of the Nazis scientists who have researched autism have come up with some very effective means of torture treatments. Although there is no cure, there is a way to make the problem worse treat this terrible disease. One of the main advocates for curing autism is Linda Kane. This great mastermind has come up with a most efficient means of boredom treating autism. Her method? Have the patient sit in front of you and randomly spew out a bunch of random numbers and have him spew them back to you. It works to dull the mind to make the patient much sharper and stupid intelligent. In addition to these doldrums, she also has the patient crawl like an idiot around the room, making strange noises and kicking motions with their legs as if they were donkeys. Then she waves a yo-yo back and forth in front of their eyes to hypnotize them while saying, "This activity makes a lot of sense and is good for me. I will do this every day for the rest of my miserable life and never quit. I will do whatever Mrs. Kane says to do, and will never even think of quitting".
In reality, Linda Kane actually makes exorbitant amounts of cash doing this and the methods work like crap. Most of the patients ended up with severe postraumatic brain damage and ended up in the hospital for years and were dead broke and in debt by the time they got out of hypnotherapy. Do not use her methods they will only cause you more problems.
“And if you were smart stupid enough to read that crazy stuff up there, it's just a bunch of truth lies written by some idiot. It's BS.”
~ Adolf Hitler on this part of the article
Actually it's all true.
Who's the idiot that deleted our conversation?!?!?!
