Awesome wars
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In the beginning there was darkness. And God said, "Let there be light." And Vin Diesel said, "Say please."
And there was light, and Vin Diesel saw Chuck Norris. And he saw that it was good. "A worthy opponent", Vin thought, right before Chuck roundhouse kicked him right in the face. This roundhouse kick was so mighty that it sparked a superatomic chain reaction known to today's scientists as "Big Bang". And so the Awesome Wars began.
God was pissed, that is to say "wrathful", and asked what the two of them were doing, interrupting His good time and important work, and why were they even there and why didn't the Awesome power of His voice asplode them real good like it was supposed to? Well, to answer that Vin tore the heart out of God's chest and ate it while Chuck gave Him the old one-two to in the face - good, clean hits since He turned the other cheek so nicely. And God dropped like so many sacks of potatoes, and the two titans turned their attention to more important matters, namely beating the *censored* out of each other. With a vengeance.
And they kicked, and they roundhouse kicked, and they jump kicked, and they jabbed and bit and scratched and comboed and piledrived into clouds of cosmic dust, and grappled and choked and chopped and headbutted and stomped toes and bended fingers backwards, oh man that stings.
But as their mighty battle raged on for times unknown - for time did not exist yet - and both Vin and Chuck took hits each greater than all of Hollywood's greatest hits put together, they grew weary. And eventually, as they realized neither of them could be hurt, they came to turn their competitive spirit to other venues. Vin spun a dust cloud together, squeezed it to a ball and beat it so savagely it reached critical mass and became a sun, and Chuck made a bigger sun, and so they went on for a long time making suns of all sizes and colors. Vin, always the craftier one, was the first to make the invisible colors like infrared and ultraviolet, while Chuck first happened to pound a sun into a nebula.
"Let us make these suns go to war", said Chuck one day, beginning to feel the boredom of not needing to expect Vin to try and tear his throat out at any given time. And so they came to hurl suns, galaxies and even superclusters at each other, rearranging the structure of the universe and destroying many elements for good, while creating new ones we now take for granted.
Until one day Vin had an idea, and concealed himself on a small unnoticeable planet. There he mixed a soup of salt water, mud and bodily secretions best left untold, and summoned storm clouds to strike the mixture with lightning, thus creating life.
Fifteen minutes later he got bored of the useless protozoan thingies and scared them into huddling together, and began crafting them into higher forms of life. Chuck found him and grew fascinated of this work. "What are you making", he asked of Vin, who pondered the question at length before replying. "I'm making imperfect beings, lesser than ourselves but with the will and potential to make themselves better. It is my dream that they will eventually be stronger than you or me. Eventually.'
Thus Chuck went to another, nearby planet to try it himself, and in a spirit of friendly competition two civilisations quickly grew into being.
"Look, I have created Man", said Chuck one day, which happened to be a Saturday. "It is an animal that can think for itself and decide its own roundhousual destiny."
"Interesting idea, old chap", said Vin and went on to improve on it by making Woman.
Men and Women went on to mix and interbreed and create more of each other, and then create grand things, like fast cars and big houses, which were like amazingly small, intricate jewels to Vin and Chuck. Realizing that their immense husks (and weekly fight clubs) posed a danger to their frail but precious creations, they left this universe for good. But their stories live on. . .
Meanwhile, the two civilisations left behind still had the elemental Urge To Be Awesome that their masters left in them and made many things that were awesome, like books and movies and games and moon travels and REALLY CUTE LITTLE BABIES. But it was a sad day when they encountered each other in space, for then the Awesome Wars began again. Or more like continued. On a new, awesome level. There were awesome rays and all kinds of stuff. Let me get back to you when I've smoked some more crack researched it some more.
