Axl Rose
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“i am a hobo”
~ Axl Rose admits
“They're all a bunch of fucking cunts.”
~ Axl Rose on Everbody
“You're fuckin' crazy!!!”
~ Axl Rose on Himself
“What the hell was I thinking?”
~ God on Axl Rose
“Fuck you.”
~ David Fan on Axl Rose
“Axl Rose is an anagram of Oral sex”
~ Captain Obvious on Axl Rose
Axl Rose is the worst man to ever live and not by coincidence also the best friend and soulmate of magician, Kurt Cobain.
Contents |
[edit] The Early Years
Axl Rose (born Oral Sex) was born in 1932 in Wyoming, Texas. He was born with A.D.D, and mild amnesia, which later caused the eventual breakup of guns n roses, when Slash played a solo and Axl says "who the hell are you?!". Slash was heart-broken. Axl then decided to continue his studies cause living a life of rock n roll and drugs was as he called it "bad" (tss.. Im sure he knows what that means.) Anyway, Axl graduated form Harvard then got shat on by a flying carabao. The crap was too strong and he lost all his smarts and decided to become a rockstar again. Due to popular believe, Axl Rose is not the lead singer for Guns N' Roses. He is merely the assistance of Guns N' Roses' real singer; R2-D2. Axl Has been known to program R2-D2's voice box. His voice is so painful to the ears that rumors say, when heard up close can give you AIDS. Axl's voice of disease is only 2nd to Mariah Carey, whose voice gives instant death. His father, Colonel Sanders, was an important figure in the world of prostitution and as a result, the family was often relocating to various locations around the world. Rose was also a victim of sexual abuse by his little sister, a fuel which was to inspire the angsty, emotional and often sentimental lyrics of his later career. Argh!
[edit] The Founding of a Friendship
Following his family's relocation to Amsterdam (house of prostitutes), Rose attended the prestigious Failure University, where he was to meet his lifelong friend, Kurt Cobain. According to rumor, the pair met on a lunch period after a particularly potent mushroom soup from the school cafeteria. The two bonded instantly. How romantic. After school axl Used to molest kids at &:00 pm
[edit] The Solo Years
After a large amount of pleading from their son, Axl's parents decided to continue to live in Amsterdam until his graduation. After graduating with a major in Aeronautic Engineering, he and Cobain bid a teary, steamy, passionate farewell. Rose decided to venture out into the world in search of fame and fortune. Desperate, broken-hearted and faced with chronic Compulsive Masturbation Disorder, Axl soon found a new means of expression when he met that guy. Soon the call went out across America to find new bandmates and fag ass lovers. The rest is history. but we all know he got fucked as a child right he and slash were fuck buddys they fucked each other in the limo at the park they hold hands all day and had sex all day and wee allways high on drugs
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[edit] The Guns N' Roses Years
Guns N' Roses began when all members were assembled: Slash, Gypsy kazoo virtuoso Izzy Stradlin, Duff McKagan (remarkably, also the only human to survive without a pancreas or liver), and the renowned Transvestite Opera composer, Steven Adler of Rocky Horror Picture Show fame. COWBELL They briefly added Borat Sagdiyev as keyboardist, but decided that his style just didn't work for the band. Plus, he tried to lynch Izzy. Anyhow, their most notable releases include "Parasite City" and "Sweet Onion o' Mine". Axl Rose says that his inspiration for Welcome to the Jungle was when he looked inside his pants. And his inspiration for Sweet Child o' Mine, was when he shared a meal with Hannibal Lector which Axl Rose commented: "Boy, Hannibal Lector could sure steer up a good meal.". Their songs inspired a generation of peaceful conservative and depression middle-aged women. Since their 1991 release of the double-CD set "Use Your Strap-On Illusion I and II", and the ensuing release, "The Lost Heroin Incident". Axl liked touching himself during the guns and roses years, After a while he would blow his load on Slashes new guitar and wee on himself. Slash got angry because his guitar was covered in spunk. Also the band got angry because in the hot summer nights Axl stunk of stale piss. he fucked His own mom to have an exact clone of him otherwise know as KID ROCK
In late 2008 it was discovered that Axl Rose actually died in 1992 from alcohol poisoning, and that his actions over the last 16 years have been one long convulsion. When questioned about, this God shrugged and said, "Why the fuck are you looking at me like that? I'm the one who has to deal with him for an eternity. He totally passed out in my closet in his own vomit, and now I have to get all of my robes dry cleaned."
[edit] =Vocal Work
WHEN WE SAY IN THE CLUBB, AY GAY GAY
[edit] People who shit on Axl Rose
Shit does happen to Axl. Often. And on top of him. This is a small sampling of people who have shat on Axl Rose during his long career.
(note: any resemblances to real people, either living or dead, are purely coincidental.)
- Sweden
- This guy
- That guy
- Hilary Duff
- Lars Ulrich
- Kurt Cobain
- Brody Dalle
- Izzy Stradlin
- John Madden
- Juan
- Nikki Sixx
- Elijah Wood
- a Pirate
- Axl Rose
- St. Louis
- Adam Sandler
- Strong Bad
- That Gay
- Slash
- Kevin Federline
- Wikipedia
- Dolphins
- Borat
- Celine Dion
- Dimebag Darrell
- Dio
- Your mom
- Your Dad
- Gurlekh Plaha
- Dexter Holland of The Offspring
- And finally, his own talking strap-on, (also featured on the 1991 Use Your Illusion cd set).
[edit] The Reunion
Axl battled depression throughout his professional career, until a chance encounter with old flame, Kurt Cobain, turned his life around for the better. The two engaged in many of their favorite pastimes, including mushroom picking, painting nails, reading magazines, skipping, baby-kissing, french-kissing and kitten huffing. How cute. Unfortunately Kurt had a wife called Michael Monroe(Frontwoman Of Hanoi Rocks) and Axl and Kurt Split,It has later been discovered that Kurt and Michael are actually the same people. Kurt(Or Michael) later killed himself live on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Axl has recently appeared on Strictly Come Dancing with long term dance and sexual partner Mr Brownstone.The pair won the competition with Axl saying "Its So Easy When Everybodys tryin to please me baby" The Twat
[edit] Leaked Documents
In the past year, Rose has had a number of unfortunate ninja incidents that culminated in him losing a page of his 2006 diary to the higher powers (Apple Pies). With the power of Venus and Kronos on their side, they decode the crazy talk and found the following journal of the stone god, which happens to be an average day for Rose;
8:00 a.m. – Wake up. Sit up in bed. Stare at my boner. Stare at my empty bed. Remember how fifteen years ago I would have had a groupie there for me to fuck. Instead I resort to turning on the TV and jerking off to Rosie O’Donnell on some talk show. I hate myself.
8:30 a.m. – Go down to the hotel lobby. Grab something to eat from the restaurant but as I’m scooping up some gravy to put on my eggs, beer and jello mix, some rich snob across the room starts staring me down. Well actually maybe he wasn’t staring me down after all, but I’m pretty sure he was, because I saw him look at me once, and as my mom used to tell me, “Go take out the trash,” so I figured it was time to take it out again. I ran over to the guy and threw a big pot of hot gravy all over his head. The whole time he kept screaming “Oh god why! Why are you doing this to me! What have I deserved to receive such treatment?!” and I laugh maniacally as I set his toupee on fire and watch him run around the room like a little girl, crying and blubbering about how mean I am. What a prick. Then I slip twenty bucks down his hot wife’s shirt and tell her my number’s on it, she stares at me like she’s really impressed as I walk out, but in hindsight that might have just been disgust on her face.
9:00 a.m. – I board my private jet.
9:30 a.m. – We’re in the air. I get a call from Dizzy Reed back at the public airport. He says they’re having trouble getting a flight in coach and were wondering if from now on they could maybe travel with me since there’s all that empty room on my plane. I tell Dizzy I need the room for my imaginary polar bears. I tell Dizzy my imaginary polar bears take precedence over bandmembers because they understand me. Then I ask Dizzy if he still wants his job .Dizzy says no, but that I told him if he ever quits I would kill his mother and fuck his sister and burn his children. I say, “Oh yeah!” and laugh maniacally while recalling when I told him this ten years ago in a recording studio when he first threatened to quit me Then I say, “Well, if you don’t want me to do that, then you will never ask me this question again.” Five minutes later I get a call from Bumblefoot (or, as I call him, Bumblefuck – what a ‘tard he is!) asking if maybe he could be allowed to call home and talk to his dying father. I shout at him for ten minutes telling him that in order to preserve the artistic integrity of this band he must have absolutely NO contact with members outside of Zeta Region B! He asks me why I’m such a cruel weirdo and I tell him “I know you are but what am I,” then he says he’s gonna tell on me to Slash, and I hang up, weeping hysterically for five minutes.
9:35 – Memo to self: fire Bumblefoot. Kill Slash.
9:45 – I am bored so I start writing in my diary talking to myself. Hello Axl. How are you? I’m fine, thanks. Boy, I sure am tired from that show last night! Yeah, my throat hurts. Hey, wanna fuck? Sure!
9:48 – I visit the bathroom.
9:50 – I realize at a rather inopportune time that the bathroom has no toilet paper.
9:51 – I tell Beta to get me some new pants to wear out of my luggage.
9:52 – A personnel member on the jet tells me I should sit down because of turbulence. I tell him as I’m walking back from the bathroom that he should shut the fuck up because I am King Axl Rose, Ruler of the Universe. He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him he is violating Zeta Region C, “Physical Contact with the Artiste,” and so I open the escape hatch and throw him off the plane.
9:54 - BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. LOL I LOVE THE SKY. WEEEEEE.
10:00 – Robin Finck calls me. I tell him he is violating Zeta Region Z. He asks me what Zeta Region means. I tell him it’s a complex system Beta invented to make me feel better and keep people from negatively affecting me. The definition of Region Z is “interference with the artiste by a member of the band at an unfortunate moment in time.” Robin Finck tells me I’m a freak and hangs up. I listen to static silence for four minutes before thinking of a comeback. Then I say, “Yeah, well at least THIS freak didn’t suck off Marilyn Manson!” I remind myself to use this next time Finck calls me.
10:05 – I call the FBI and tell them to make sure they search one “Robin Finck” at an airport in Venezuela today because he is carrying drugs on him and is a member of Al-Quaeda.
10:10 – I realize I need Robin in the band to perform tonight so I call back the FBI and tell them it was an April Fool’s joke. They tell me it’s not April and I have committed an offense. I tell them I have the wrong number and hang up, before planting the phone in the coat pocket of Beta. It was her phone anyway.
10:30 – We arrive on time at the airport. Well, I do anyway. The other guys are still back at the airport. This causes me to laugh maniacally. Beta says I’m a real jerk and I punch her in the face and she falls ass-down the stairs leading down from the airplane to the ground. Then as I walk off the last step I hop off onto her unmoving body and jump up and down on it like a trampoline. Wee! This is fun! I always wanted a trampoline lol.
10:40 – We drop Beta’s bruised and broken body off at a nearby hospital. I make sure it’s a free health care hospital so I don’t have to pay for any damn medical bills. Man, those things are expensive! One time, I lit my house maid on fire and sprayed her with gasoline, and I had to pay, like, $500! What a rip-off! Why can’t a guy have a little fun anymore these days without having to pay for it? That doctor sounded just like a hooker trying to get money off me. So I kicked him in the neck and ran away, and then when the house maid woke up from her coma I went to the hospital and unplugged all her IV machines. Lol that was a funny day.
10:50 – I listen to a Kid Rock album on my iPod. Man this dude is the tits! I love his music so much. I make a mental note to make sure I add him to the band, because all the kids are into his music and this will make me appeal more to the teens.
10:55 – I tell Edgar how much I love Kid Rock. I tell him my plan to add Mr. Kid to the band. He tells me Kid Rock expired five years ago and only had two hit songs, maybe three, and that everyone hates him now, and he’s a major loser.
10:57 – I tell Edgar I agree, but inside I’m crying, hurt and fragile.
11:30 – I am in a taxi cab driving to the hotel. Actually it’s a private limo, but when I say taxi it doesn’t make me sound like an over-privileged jackass. Anyway, the limo driver drops us off outside some dingy hotel that royalty supposedly stay at, but it looks like a dump to me. I tell him he’s fired for being a bad limo driver.
11:35 – I check in to my room.
11:40 – Jump on the bed for one hour before getting exhausted and deciding to save energy for the performance tonight.
12:45 – I turn on the TV and masturbate to pictures of a burn victim on the PBS channel. Hey, it’s the only channel that was coming through clearly.
12:50 – I realize it’s not PBS, it’s the local news, and the burn victim is Beta. Apparently before dropping her off at the hospital I also lit her body on fire and pissed on her. Lol I don’t remember doing that! Oh well.
12:55 – The police call me and ask if I know a woman named Beta. I tell them they have the wrong Axl, they want Axel Foley. LOL. I wonder how long that joke will take them to figure out! HAHA I am a genius.
1:00 – The police show up at my hotel room. Evidently they figured out my joke. At this moment I realize I’m not dealing with regular cops – no, I’m dealing with SUPER cops! How did they KNOW Axel Foley was a movie character? How could they figure out such a thing so fast?
1:03 – They keep knocking on the door, trying to come in. I figure I’ll copy my movie hero Keanu Reeves and escape through the window and run along the building outside on the window platform, then jump into space and transform into a bird so I can fly away.
1:05 – I remember that it’s impossible to transform into animals right before I hit the pavement.
1:10 – I wake up in a hospital. I curse Keanu Reeves’ name and swear to make it my quest to see him DEAD!!!!
1:15 – I turn on the hospital TV. The Matrix is on. I try to aim for the TV to piss on it but I end up pissing into my own mouth, but I was thirsty anyway.
1:30 – Beta walks into the room, all burnt and shit. She slaps me a few times, but then I say, “Hey, at least I didn’t try to barbeque your son this time!” And this witty statement draws laughter from her and the police standing outside the door, before we all realize how sick what I just said is and all stop laughing and say “What the fuck?”
1:40 – I ask the police men outside the room how they figured out Axel Foley was a trick. They said, “One word: Google.”
1:42 – I don’t know who this “Google” man is, but I’m going to find out…and when I do, I am going to chop his testicles in half – maybe even quarters.
1:50 – I get out of the hospital and pay the bail for arrest. I go back to the hotel with a fractured skull. It’s still bleeding a bit but I hate bandaids and shit so I take off the cast they put on my head.
2:05 – I get into my limo and head for the hospital again.
2:10 – I like my new cast better.
2:!5 – God I hate casts.
2:50 – I call up Dizzy Reed and tell him my new joke. He says, “Yeah, Axl’s that’s great,” before I remember he’s in violation of Zeta Region Z and hang up the phone, making sure the frogs aren’t staring through the windows anymore.
3:00 – I lock all the windows and put up the blinds. The frogs are after me again. Their beady little eyes trying to take off my clothes with their minds, eating my succulent flesh with their razor sharp tongue-teeth. I turn on the radio to pacify my mind. GN’R comes on the radio, and I get so mad that I throw the radio out the window, breaking the glass. Unfortunately the wire gets caught around my foot and pulls me out the window too, and I drop five stories.
3:30 – So I’m back in the hospital again and my head hurts like hell. The doctor tells me I can’t perform tonight and I give him a big long speech, I say, “Listen, Doc, spare me the theatrics! I’m an artist and I MUST appease my fans! These people travel far and wide to see me perform because they admire me as a musician, and if I were to not pull through for these people, Lord only knows what kind of animal I would be for doing that to them!”
3:35 – The doctor and I both laugh at how silly what I just said is. I say, “I’m only bullshitting,” and then I tell him sure, I won’t perform tonight, and then I take a nap.
4:00 – Beta issues a press release canceling the show. Fans are outraged. I laugh manically.
4:20 – I’m bored so I call Calvin Klein. I swear at him through the phone for ten minutes calling him a pussy-eating cocksucking motherfucker. When I’m finally finished asks me why I am calling him. Suddenly I remember I meant to call Tommy Hilfiger. I pause, thinking to myself, “Damn.” Klein asks me if I’m still there. I slowly hang up the phone, embarrassed and ashamed. Then I write a new song real quick called “Get in the Ring Again Bitch!” and the lyrics go:
Tommy Hilfiger / Can suck my cock / His clothes, clothes / Boy, they sure do suck! / Getting off on ripping off moms / Who think they can hide their body fat with sucky jeans and thongs
Then I realize this song sucks and I make a new song, called “Get in the Ring, Get in the Ring!” The lyrics are:
I’m sick n’ tired / Of writin’ songs about getting in the ring / So all you get in the ring songs inside my head / Why don’t you just fuck off and GET IN THE RING MOTHERFUCKA! / I don’t know your bullshit / You don’t even rhyme / These songs suck / And they’re just egotistical rants / So fuck off!
Then I cry for five minutes because I realize I’ve lost all my creativity and I decide not to release Chinese Democracy for another ten years.
4:40 – Robin Finck calls. He said they finally arrived at the airport after having to sit next to two big fat people on the plane. I tell him the show’s canceled and he’s fired. He starts crying, and then I say, “P.S.”
4:42 – After a long pause Robin Finck asks me if I’m still there. I’m savoring the moment in anticipation.
4:50 – Finally I say, “AT LEAST THIS FREAK DIDN’T SUCK OFF MARILYN MANSON!” Then I realize Robin hung up five minutes ago. DAMN! I blew my chance! I guess I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.
5:00 – I call for food. Some hospital orderly brings me jello. I say, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I’M AXL ROSE, BITCH! I DEMAND ONLY THE FINEST YELLOW JELL-O!” Then I shove it down her orderly skirt and as she turns around I pull out a zippo lighter and light her skirt on fire. Then I empty the lighter fluid of my lighter all over her body and as she burns in front of me I sit back, relax and jerk off to Rosie O’Donnell on the TV again, before relapsing into a coma and dreaming of frogs.
6:00 He's a Pussyass girl we Just chopped off his penis
