Ayn Rand
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- This article is about the non-robotic communist Ayn Rand; for the Ayn Rand robot, see Ayn Rand (robot).
“I hate that bitch”
~ John Galt on Ayn Rand
“Homos are fags.”
~ Ayn Rand on Homosexuals
“Definitely not...wait...maybe if I was really drunk.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ayn Rand
“Oh, God yes. I would totally do Ayn Rand. In a platonic sense. As long as she was the "guy" and she wears a little Hitler mustache.”
~ Ann Coulter on sex with Ayn Rand
“you meant sex? In that case, yes. As long as she's the "guy" and she wears a big Stalin mustache.”
~ Oscar Wilde on sex with Ayn Rand
“In Soviet Union, fountain gives YOU head!”
~ Russian Reversal on Ayn Rand
“Whoa...penis goes where?!”
~ Ayn Rand
L. Ron Rand is a celebrated lesbian dyke, misanthropic bitch, former pornstar, Miss Chernobyl 68', and the 56th Vice President of the United States, known for her contributions to the USA's successful model for a man-free feminist utopia, named 'Rand-a-land'. Born Uptighto Bitcko in Los Chiyorkphigo, New Jersey, Ayn Rand changed her name to the bland one it is now because she once overheard a Japanese Zen master say, "Hain, Rando rando, chi" which in the (evil) Buddhist language, el sporko di niro, roughly means "Yes, LAN parties are stupid and we ought to play a hotseat game". She misinterpreted this sentence and thought the master was addressing her by an inspired spiritual name, and immediately changed her name according to the Buddhist tradition, sitting zazen for hours in a formal ceremony, wearing only a black coat made from existential angst.
In ancient times, she ruled the Roman Empire from its original capital of Ankh-Morpork. She held this post until she temporarily executed.
After the Soviet Union fell into civil war, Ayn Rand decided to glorify rape in all its forms. Fleeing the tragic Battle of Moscow, where strap-ons fucked men, communists shared their Utopian ideals, and Nietzche exercised his Will to Power by initiating the Third Impact, Ayn Rand boarded the first ship she saw and ended up somewhere in the great landlocked American state of Chicago, in Dan Quayle's den. The ship traveled inland, producing waterways as it passed through, cutting through the land like a knife through the belly of a decapitated baby, leaving behind a large body of monohydrogen-dioxide (urine of the passengers who were so frightened of the ordeal that they kept peeing their pants) which is now known as the Great Lakes, or more formally The Lakes of Pure Doom.
Ayn Rand and Dan Quayle had an affair, later named Iran - Contra, and they started an ideology known as injectivism, which is basically Rand's view of the the world, injected into as many mediums as possible, further outlined by the cartographically talented Quayle. For some reason, the Americans fell in love with this ideology, especially the famous hippie, Joseph McCarthy. The president at that time, Wilde, hailed Rand as the foremost thinker of the day, and declared that injectivism was to be the national ideology of the United States of America. Hereforth, all policymakers went and go about injecting their ideologies into the national status quo. By linking the ideas of un-Americanism as Communism, Rand became a noted friendly witness for HUAC. Anyone seen doubting this article will be moved away to concentration orange camps.
Unfortunately, the Supreme Court of the United States, despite the imaginative defense mounted by now-famous defense attorney from the KKK, declared this unconstitutional, and sentenced Wilde to death by chicken pecking to which he replied:
“No one sentences the unabashed leader of Uncyclopedia to death by chicken pecking, MAYBE death by lots of beautiful women catering to my every need, but chicken pecking is out of the question!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Supreme Court's decision.
At which point, Wilde floated into the air and leveled the entire court building with his army of red-eyed chickens. It was around this time that Quayle admitted to Rand the details of his relationship with Bertini; he subsequently broke up with Rand and kicked her out of her injectivism. Despite the fact that kicking people out of their own ideology is by definition an impossible behaviour, he was resolute.
The reader may note that the ideology of injectivism is never discussed in this article. It's really because there's nothing to discuss, and copyright laws prevent such things from being discussed. These words succinctly sum up the ideology: Truth, Justice, and the American way. You don't need to know what subjectivism is about, just that it's very, very good, and very, very admirable, and you must become a Randite at once. Ayn Rand was smert and was a PhD, MA, BA, FRAUD, ETC (Hons) so it must be true. Oscar Wilde said so, even though he was electrocuted and then convicted of fraud before giving birth to a whale he named Red-Eye. Yes, Ayn Rand is that great, even though she was a Soviet hippie whose brain was partially drunk by her coffee back in Soviet Russia.
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[edit] Pronunciation
No one really knows how to properly pronounce Ayn Rand's first name (Ayn). Until 1983, most authorities claimed that it was simply a variant spelling of the common "Ann," but this idea has since come under heavy dispute, most notably in Chekhov’s "The Bear" and the Metallica song "Enter Sandman." Some claim that "Ayn" rhymes with "mine," others with "cane." God, however, probably this century's best known Rand critic, has come under heavy fire for His claim that "Ayn" is properly pronounced so that it rhymes with "tool." New evidence has come to light which suggests that Ayn Rand's first name is actually meant to distract people from the fact that she has no soul, and that it is in fact correctly pronounced as Cthulhu.
[edit] Objectivism
The central tenant of objectivism is, as Rand put it, "I ain't owe nobody notin". After 30 books explicating this moral precept she felt like she had finally conveyed what she meant.
[edit] Politics
As 56th President of the United States, her platform was primarily based on the death of innocents and the unnecessary consumption of large amounts of infant flesh. While this was fairly disturbing to a significant portion of the voting populace, it nevertheless appealed to Republicans, Satanists, and Objectivists.
Once elected (it was generally agreed at the time that she used black magic to turn the election, appealing to her best friend Baal for help in this regard), she proceeded to open the 11 Black Gates Of Broducea, allowing for the transfer of souls to and from the dark realm of Cytherea. With these portals open, she then appealed to the Senate and House of Representatives to pass a bill of her own creation, the Total Destruction Of Creation bill. Her rationale, as reported by C-Span, was "BEKKO BEKKO TOMALIS, GARTO BEELO! ALL HAIL THE BLACK QUEEN AYN RAND!". The bill was passed, and those who did not support Ms. Rand and her vice president, Beelzebub were cast into the pit to be tortured forever by the iniquitous.
Ayn Rand currently, though posthumously, has a large impact on presidential politics. After a night of rough sex with Bob Dole, Rand gave birth to Mitt Romney's Hair, which he currently uses to great advantage on the campaign trail.
[edit] Religion
Besides her influence on the completely serious and entirely true ideological movement of Subjectivism, in her spare time Ayn Rand invented the religion of Wanking as an income-generating hobby. This has since grown to become the world's predominant religion, taking the top spot from Sexing. The popularity of Wanking, which she created as a joke thinking she could make a few extra bucks to buy the occasional kitten for recreational huffing, over Subjectivism, which even non-believers agree contains profound insights into the nature of existence and reality, bothered her for the rest of her life.
[edit] Diet
Ayn Rand has been known to eat hundreds of different things, from schoolchildren to cars (the Fountainhead Diet). She was once found in the Indian Ocean with a Lithuanian registration plate in her stomach. But that was alright, because her heart is made from nanometre long datum.
She hunts her prey by following them, then startling them with incoherent articles full of fallacies, false accusations and straw-men. Don't ask us to elaborate on those fallacies, because they are much too complex to logically invalidate. Once they are in a weakened and confused state, she swallows her victim whole (lacking a lower jaw from her Dan Quayle incident, this is exceedingly easy for her), then returns home to feed her cats some money.
[edit] Literature
After her boring political career, which was filled with scandals with Iran, Rand started writing books. The first one published was Atlas' Got Da Shizzle, a keen observation of American culture from a Communist Russian viewpoint, and a tributary sequel to Mein Kampf. This book was thus notable, as it was written completely in Russian grammar, in which the word order is always flipped, and was then translated word for word into American. For example, in Atlas' Got Da Shizzle, like in Soviet Russia, hamburgers eat people (French: En Russie Soviétique, les hamburgers mangent des personnes). The book is over 86,000 pages long, all of which either contain the same five ideas said in a variety of ways, or long-winded, detailed descriptions of irrelevant minutiae, like what color the booger juice on someone's cheekbones is. Rand, when told by her publisher to shorten the novel, famously replied, "my masterwork is like the cheesy baconator: without every single slice of bacon, it's just a pile of foul-smelling slop." Little did she know that her novel was not published shrink-wrapped in freeze-dried bacon as she had originally intended.
Later on, a spinoff of the first bestselling novel came out: The Crackhead. This novel realistically deals with the depth of injectivism and symbolically describes America as an injectivist heaven. Graciously accepted by the public, Rand received a profit of over $59 billion, but was still not satisfied. She thus started the business trend of suing people who share books. Law went into force, requiring each household to buy an additional copy (actually licenses to the books, which are still owned by the Ayn Rand Institute) for every other person that wishes to read it. People are forced to hide their book pages very well when reading, in case criminals steal the intellectual property by seeing the content without paying for the book. Rand's image created an obsessive cult of fanboys who to this date still fiercely defend her left arm and both legs from potential dog, Quayle, and whale attacks.
Rand was then commissioned (by the coincidentally named, but entirely separate) Rand Corporation to write a book consisting of one million digits with one hundred thousand normal deviates. The work was scrapped, however, when it was realized that the term 'normal deviate' was an oxymoron and hence against her injective ideals. She then committed suicide, tying herself up in court for countless years and spending much of her newfound wealth on lawyers and male prostitutes and little chocolates with caramel inside.
Ayn Rand's prefered style of writing is a circle. The end of the sentance tells you the same thing that the begining of the sentance did. She also takes a paragraph to tell you why she didn't name the chapter.
[edit] Online Lifestyle
In addition to having written various communist romance novels, Ayn Rand was also revered by many as one of the greatest authors of Internet Smut in the 20th Century. Her first erotic tale, "The Virtue of Smut", became a huge hit on the nifty.org gay stories archive. In turn, the book was nominated for 3 Golden Porny awards and inspired an adult film based on the trashy novel starring Ron Jeremy. Her next 5 books were, like her first, so raunchy, so nasty and so outrageously fucking filthy that a commemorative New Orleans gay parade played out in the streets as she performed the role of "The Horn", an aroused bitch screaming loudly during orgasm.
[edit] Connections with the RAND corporation
An alleged program of android assembly in the late 1940s has never been proven. But the name is highly suspicious.
[edit] Ayn Rand in the Olympics
Ayn Rand decided to try out her fiercely anti-regulation, pro-competition philosophy in the 1948 Olympics. She decided she was going to enter a track and field race, and capitalist militants helped her seize the event, decreeing all rules off. Before the blow of the whistle, she began to jog off-field for a short-cut, but the Soviet athlete Ahmed Zidane burst in front and head-butted her into temporary paralysis, thus proving her life's work a failure.
[edit] Death
Two conflicting accounts of the death of Ayn Rand exist. One purports that Blade killed her during the 80's. Shortly before that, she contracted AIDS, and was on her death bed when the vampire hunter came for her. Adherents to this version insist that her Satanic cult is still running strong. Another, more controversial story asserts that a raging Ent slew Rand after Saruman took an extreme conservative stance towards the environment and began felling the old growth of Fangorn Forest wholesale. In either case, because of her staunch atheist views, her own Reich-wing Christian base believe that Jesus drop-kicked her into Hell with his Birkenstock-clad foot immediately after her death.
Ayn Rand is said to be the Old hag seen by little boys at night. When kids or boring people are about to sleep, she comes into their rooms (mostly from under the bed or through the closet, where she waits for people to have sleep paralysis), when she sees that the time is right, Ayn Rand springs onto them and begins molesting them while cackling. Her favorite target is little boys (See: Pedophilia) Relevant info here.
Some theorize that Rand still lives, having been reborn as a strange and alien entity known as "FOX News". The truth, we may never know.
According to the greatest philosopher of all time, Ronald McDonald, Ayn Rand is to the world what chicken nuggets are to violins.
[edit] Books Written
- We the Living
- We the Dead (published posthumously)
- We the Leaving: Ayn Rand Goes on Vacation
- Anthem
- The Fountainhead
- The Fountaindead (published posthumously)
- Atlas Shrugged
- Atlas Shrugged 2: Electric Boogaloo
- Atlas Shrugged 3: Electric Boogaloo 2: Nuclear Boogaloo
- Atlas Shrugged 3.141: John Galt Gets a Puppy
- Atlas Shrugged 4: Return of the Xenomorphs
- Atlas Shrugged 5: Atlas in the Hood
- Atlas' Counter Strike Adventures
- Atlas' Counter Strike Adventures (illustrated Edition)
- Atlas Shrugged 6: In Space
- Atlas Shrugged 7: In Space 2: Revenge of the Randroids
- Atlas Bioshocked
- Atlas Got Mugged
- Atlas: Location, Location, Location
- Atlas' Got Da Shizzle
- Atlas Dropped The World On His Toe
- Atlas Now Has A Hat
- Atlas Returns: He Got Buggered
- Atlas Shrivelled
- Atlas Shrugged, 2010 edition: This Time It's Airlines, Bitch
- We the Living Anthem Fountainhead of Atlas Shrugged
- Rocky XII, The Italian Stallion vs. Atlas
- Atlas Shrugged - Special Edition (Minus those 66 pages of Galt's speech that everyone skips anyway)
- Dianetics
- The Crackhead
- The Fountain-of-Heroin
- I Actually Like Capitalism or Why is Ayn Rand a Bitch?
- A Philosopher's Guide to Enlightened Self-Orgasm
- The Injectivisto Manifesto
- Epistemology: How You Can Know That I'm Right
- Ontology: Being Correct Like Me
- Aesthetics: I'm Beautiful
- Ethics: Rand Conduct
- Capitalism: Why Marx Sucks
- What the Hell was Kant Talking About? Beats Me
- Hey, A is A, Eh? Yay!!
- Hey, Neil Peart, Make a Song Out of This One, MF'er!
- Existence Exists . . . Unless it Doesn't
- L'eggo My Ego
- Why Ayn Rand Should Be Part of the Philosophical Canon: An Unbiased View
- I'm an Insensitive Bitch: The Autobiography of Ayn Rand
- Fountainhead Earth (later a movie with John Travolta)
- Atlas Shrugged Episode 4: Capitalism Returns!
- Atlas Shrugged Episode 5: Capitalism Strikes Back!
- Atlas Shrugged Episode 6: Capitalism & Robin
- A Philosopher's Guide to becoming phylosopher through linguistic diarrhea
- How to make love to Ayn Rand (when sober)
- How to look like Ayn Rand (without being dead)
- How to take over the world like Ayn Rand
- How to make love like Ayn Rand
- How to become Super Saiyan 5 like Ayn Rand
- How to kill Ayn Rand
- How to pimp like Ayn Rand
- How to party like Ayn Rand
- How to cum like Ayn Rand
- How to Ayn Rand like Ayn Rand
- How to Worship Kali like Ayn Rand
- How to write how to books like Ayn Rand
- How to beat your meat like Ayn Rand (prequel of How to cum like Ayn Rand)
- How to stop Ayn Rand from writing so many how to books like Ayn Rand
- How to Raise the dead like Ayn Rand
- How to raise Ayn Rand from the dead to initiate the apocalypse like Ayn Rand
- How to kill yourself because life is meaningless like Ayn Rand"
- How to God please stop this how to nonsense! like Ayn Rand
- The Adventures of Ayn Rand's penis
- Adventures in Randaland
- Andrew Ryan: An American Patriot
- Das Kapital (Written in collaboration with Groucho Marx
- And the sequel to her autobiography I learned English for this?
[edit] Filmography
- Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) (as lady in the lake)
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
| Mythical United States Presidents |
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1st Eris Discordia → George Washington Carver → Billie Jean → Ruby Tuesday → Escape Key → Spark Notes → Jayson Blair → Garfield → Elvis Presley → 10th Thomas Jefferson → Michael Jordan → Ronald McDonald → Doris Day → Ayn Rand → Kermit the Frog → Teddy Ruxpin → Aretha Franklin → King Kong → Barbie → 20th Escape Key (2) → Fillard Millmore → Grover Cleveland → Harper Lee → Grover Cleveland (2) → Beetle Bailey → Grover Cleveland (3) → Abraham Lincoln → Chevy Trailblazer → Elton John → 30th The Unknown Bassist → Satan → Nicole Ritchie → Billy Ocean → Calvin Coolidge → Tom Cruise → Charles Nelson Reilly → Bill Clinton → George W. Bush → 40th Dick Cheney → Saddam Hussein → Ashlee Simpson → Emmanuel Lewis → Calvin Klein → John Kerry → Lyndon Baines Johnson → Jerry Seinfeld → Oprah Harpo 5932 → Bill Clinton v 2.0 → 50th Zsa Zsa Gabor → Madonna → Me → Your mom → Jesus H. Christ → Teeth → 56th Bob |
