Ayn Rand
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- This article is about the non-robotic capitalistAyn Rand; for the Ayn Rand robot, see Ayn Rand (robot).
“Who is Ayn Rand?”
~ John Galt on Ayn Rand
“Definitely not...wait...maybe if I was really drunk.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ayn Rand
“Oh, I'd definitely tap that! As long as I'm the one in handcuffs”
~ Ann Coulter on sex with Ayn Rand
“From the delicate deliberations of my mind, I have considered that using a priori knowledge to discuss Ayn Rand has proved fruitless. However using her various books as empirical evidence, I intend to conclude that it is a predicate of Ayn Rand that she is a complete bitch who does not know anything.”
~ Immanuel Kant: Master of the Universe on Ayn Rand
“In Soviet Union, fountain gives YOU head!”
~ Russian Reversal on Ayn Rand
Ayn Rand is a popular writer, and disputed vampire, responsible for creating the theory of "Objectivism" also known as
"Anyone Who Earns Less Than $200,000 A Year Can Eat Shit And Die" which doubles as the title of her third novel.
She is also well known for her contribution to the English language, by creating the official Most Boring Waste of Time Ever Written, her novel "Atlas Shrugged"
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[edit] Pronunciation
In the tradition of other manifestations of pure evil (e.g. Cthulhu, Tchaikovsky) Ayn Rand has an unpronounceable name. Though some scholars insist that it is simply pronounced as the common "Ann", It obviously isn't, as who the hell would spell it with a Y. There is some speculation on whether this spelling was a typo on her book covers, and was meant to be spelled "Enya" but no evidence has yet appeared to confirm this. When asked about the pronunciation, Ms. Rand responded with "Get fucked, you commie dipshits!", a now-famous quotation of hers.
[edit] Objectivism
Ayn Rand is famous for the creation of Objectivism, a theory built on the basis that "Poor People Are Lazy Assholes" Objectivism states that everyone in the middle and lower class, will "Rot in Hell", along with Socialists, and people who do anything out of charity and empathy for their fellow man. Many of her books carry this theme. Notably: "The Fountainhead"(1943), "Atlas Shrugged"(1957), and "Poor People Can Go Suck a Fat One"(1959) In her controversial novel "Life Sucks" (1984), Rand explained how people are all really like vampires, and we need to suck the vital juices out of each other until they are tired and uselessly fucked. Her last novel, which is unfinished "Fuck the World" (2012) describes in detail methods for seducing and viciously raping the world into submission.
[edit] Politics
During the 1950's, Ayn Rand did a good deal of work in politics, stealing change from the homeless. Due to her success in this field, she was promoted to Deputy Secretary of Beating Panhandlers with Sticks, by the Nixon Administration. She is also famous for passing a short-lived bill under which Socialists could be legally scalped by the police.
[edit] Religion
Rand is a noted member of the Church of Satan due to her discovery that Jesus was, in fact, poor. This had lead to some of the accusations that she is a witch or vampire, along with her consumption of small children. Ayn also converted to Scientology for a period of time, having heard that L. Ron Hubbard was the only individual crazier than she was.
[edit] Literature
Ayn Rand has a style of writing that has been compared to that of a developmentally-disabled turtle. She is noted for her Harry Potter. Her Magnum P.I. "Atlas Shrugged" has been described by experts as a landmark achievement in dullness. It also revolutionized the genre of Rich-People Porn, that she had begun with "The Fountainhead." Essentially, the novel is 1000 pages of capitalism, and wild entrepreneur sex. She has been accused controversially of writing the book so as to force intellectuals to commit suicide out of sheer boredom.
[edit] Lifestyle
Ayn Rand was a notable "Capitosexual" or an individual who is sexually attracted only to those with large amounts of money. It has been rumored that she has never had sex, possibly influencing her characters' sexual repression, and apparent need to sleep with everything in a business suit. Ayn Rand had one highly-publicized romance with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin which ended after her realization that Palin's money came entirely from her husband.
[edit] Followers
Many people have tried to follow Ayn Rand, but few have succeeded, owing to an inherent misunderstanding of her philosophy. Some feel that this article about her is funny. They will rot in hell. Others find this article to be incomprehensible. They also will rot in hell, but it will be a DIFFERENT HELL, and anyone who disagrees is consigned to a THIRD HELL. Those who jump up and down and scream that Objectivism has no hell are consigned to Objectivist Purgatory.
[edit] Connections with the RAND corporation
An alleged program of android assembly in the late 1940s has never been proven. But the name is highly suspicious.
[edit] Death
Ayn Rand's alleged death occurred in the late 1960's when she attempted to mount a one-woman invasion of Cuba and was shot in the forehead by Fidel Castro. Her funeral was attended by many notable Objectivists, including Richard Nixon, Bill O'Reilly and The Hamburgler. Some theorize that Rand still lives, having been reborn as a strange and alien entity known as "FOX News". The truth, we may never know.
[edit] Books Written
- We the Living
- Anthem
- The Fountainhead
- Atlas Shrugged
- Atlas Shrugged 2: Electric Boogaloo
- Anyone Who Earns Less Than $200,000 A Year Can Eat Shit And Die
- Atlas Shrugged - Special Edition (Minus those 66 pages of Galt's speech that everyone skips anyway)
- Poor People Can Go Suck a Fat One
- Paying Taxes Causes AIDS
- Capitalism: Why Marx Sucks
- HomelessBurgers: A Modest Proposal
- Ayn Rand or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Globalization
- Mein Kampf
[edit] Filmography
- Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) (as lady in the lake)
[edit] See also
- Liberalism
- Adolf Hitler
- Libertarianism
- Capitalism
- Vampire Americans
- UnBooks:Ayn Rand's Goldielocks and the Three Bears
