Barbeque

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(Redirected from BBQ)

1 History
2 Equipment
3 The Barbeque Process
4 BBQ
5 Barbecue Tips
6 Internet References to BBQ
7 Barbecue Illuminati
8 See Also

[edit] History

Barbeque is a term for any of several realated methods of preparing food over an open fire. Barbequeing was first invented by prehistoric humans who lived along I-95 near Orlando; anthropologists believe barbequeing became popular because the smoke of a burning Brontosaurus carcass would keep the mosquitoes away for weeks - and mosquitoes were a lot bigger then.

Barbequeing, or "Bar B Q ing", appears then to have been lost to civilization throughout Biblical times, except in Israel, where it was practiced religiously. For the rest of the world, the barbeque was rediscovered accidentally by an Persian nomad in the summer of 1241 AD, when the food he was preparing in a pot exploded and was totally consumed by the consequent fire. Seeing this as a reason to gather friends together for a discussion of sultanic politics, virgins in heaven and camel saddles, he called several friends to his tent and repeated the process, after which they hired a woman to clean up.

Since that time, Bar-B-Q has become more and more sophisticated, until today, even Eskimo women can burn large quantities of baby seal meat without any help from the men.

[edit] Equipment

Today, "barbeque grills" are sold in many stores. The modern barbeque grill may have electric lights, hot and/or cold running water, a Jacuzzi attachment (optional) and a beer spigot. The modern barbeque grill is useful for:

completely burning sausages or meat you put on it
warming the Jacuzzi, and providing a heated seat
It is a very effective way to spread smoke (which drives away mosquitoes)
The device is especially useful for bringing offers to your neighbors.

[edit] The Barbeque Process

The barbeque consists of two elements: the fire, and the food.

[edit] The Barbeque Fire

A barbeque fire uses both a "fuel" and a "flavor" element, and requires a flammable tinder.

The best fuels for a barbeque fire:

Thousands upon thousands of wooden matches (at least one of which must be "strike anywhere")
Charcoal briquets (which are actually a mixture of petrified buffalo dung and cigarette butts)
Recent editions of the New York Times

The preferred "flavor" elements for a barbeque fire, in order of preference, are:

Hickory, Oak, Hemp, or Acacia wood
3-5 Charcoal Briquets
Angelina Jolie's bobby sox
Recent editions of the New York Times

For flammable tinder, use either aviation fuel, premium grade gasoline, or 120-proof (or stronger) liquor. Charcoal "lighter fluid", although marketed for this purpose, is not suitable for lighting a barbeque fire; in fact, so-called "lighter fluid" is routinely used by the Metropolitan Houston (Texas) fire department to extinguish major oil-refinery fires.

[edit] Barbeque Food

Although the preferred food for barbeques varies greatly from region to region, generally the foods used in barbeque cooking fall into one of the following categories:

meat harvested from a freshly-killed animal, such as a cow, buffalo, or bull elephant
meat harvested from a frozen and previously killed animal, such as a cow, buffalo, or polar bear
sausages, which are not considered meat by the Hasidic Jewish community of Poughkeepsie, New Jersey
breasts and thighs of chicken, turkey, African swallow, or Pamela Anderson

For a vegetarian barbeque, try potatoes, tofu patties, or recent editions of the New York Times. (Some research indicates that soaking the potatoes in salt water for 3 hours prior to grilling will cause the potatoes to not feel any pain from the heat, but this claim is disputed by PETA, Pamela Anderson, and recent editions of the New York Times).

[edit] Barbeque Sauces

Most barbeque chefs recommend using a sauce that contains tomato paste, spices, and either beer, wine, or breast milk from pregnant alligators. Marionating is the act of using a puppet with a hollow body and working urethral system to drip the sauce onto the food for several hours prior to actual cooking.

Remember, it is always a custom with the chirch of the flying spaghetti monster to: Cook bacon without a shirt. any burns are a gift from the flying spaghetti monster himself

Also, do not cook the following substances as food: TNT baby turtles genitals of aliens Or pasta

Or I will come to your house and retile your roof without express written permission, and I'll do a damn crappy job at it too!

[edit] The Family Barbeque

The family barbeque is largely a woman's job, as illustrated below. This is because the men are often too busy engaging in watching homo-erotic sports, such as football on television, and therefore cannot help.

[edit] A typical family barbeque

The woman makes the salad
The woman lays out the table
The woman prepares all the drinks
The woman puts the coal on top of the grill of the gas barbeque
THE MAN TAKES OVER AND LIGHTS THE BARBEQUE
The woman brings the meat to the barbeque
THE MAN PUTS THE MEAT ON THE BARBEQUE
The woman screams hysterically at the man when the meat is just starting to cook
The woman screams hysterically at the man when the meat is burning
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE BARBEQUE AND GIVES IT TO THE WOMAN, WHO PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.
The woman cuts the meat and distributes it amongst everyone
EVERYONE THANKS THE MAN FOR DOING SUCH A GREAT BARBEQUE.
The woman cleans up

In some cases, depending on social background, the man puts on a sleeveless t-shirt and smacks his woman around when everyone leaves for flirting with his friends during the barbeque. Incidence of this increases when alcohol is used as a flammable tinder.

(Wow...I wonder what sex the person who wrote that was...)

The woman writes a rage-fuelled article

And then everybody sits around in one giant gay circle-jerk while screaming about gender discrepancies in humor usage on uncyclopedia.

Finally the man is raped in the eyebrows with a banana, two cups, a vile of poo, and rat poison.

[edit] BBQ

But don't be fooled! Many people fall into the trap of associating BBQs with Barbecues. They are similar, BUT the meat's puree'd intil it's Tofulike in texture, and served with ice-cold Gazpacho. Delicious. BBQs are also used as a men's (less boring) version of "dinner party".

[edit] Barbecue Tips

1. If you have a bottle of beer, you can wear a pink shirt.

2. If you have a giant slab of partially-burnt meat all stuffed in your mouth, you can still wear a pink shirt, as long as you dribble on it.

3. If everyone else is full, and very, VERY drunk, you can wear ridiculously tight hot pink lycra, and drink champagne.

4. If you're barbecuing, you're entitled to most of the meat.

5. NEVER GIVE THE MEAT TO THE DOG! THINK ABOUT IT!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!

6. BBQ is NOT a substitute for a Barbecue.

[edit] Internet References to BBQ

Used in the statement: OMGWTFBBQ.

[edit] Barbecue Illuminati

A long rumored secret society, reportedly founded in New York's Suffolk County in the early 70s. In addition to bottling and consumer their own secret sauce, members conspire to wreck havoc on non-member 'que-ers and ensuring failure at the grill. In 2007, a faction of the Illuminati broke off after numerous disputes over the production and sale of Illuminati hats, and the Ash Holes sect was subsequently formed. Described as a hybrid between the Church of Scientology and Blue Man Group, the Illuminati has reported boasted such members as Booby Flay, Dan Krueger (invented of the boneless rib sandwich made popular by a popular fast food joint), and George Bush Sr.