BMW
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“BMW-Break my window”
~
BMW (Bavarian Manufactured Wankers-Also known as Bubba Makes Wheels in the State of South Carolina] is a Japanese car manufacturer who are famous for attracting terrible drivers (read: sexy blonds) to the fastest, most badass vehicles to ever grace the asphalt.
The BMW (Twatus ubanis- Latin for Brings Me Woman), a species more commonly spotted amongst the wild urban mountains, is four wheeled animal which traverses the great distances between the local Starbucks and the office. This breed has been steadily increasing after almost dying out in the year 1567 BC due to hunting. After becoming fashionable as as pets for rich young people in the 1980s however they began to spread. Soon they had reached plague preportions and were dumped as they became uglier due to inbreeding and everyone switched to the now more fashionable and less offensive Audi (homosexual erectus)breed as pets. As everyone flushed these creatures down the toilet they have begun to breed in the wild resulting much cruder, uglier designs, they have also put on weight and increased in size. As is typical of the species, its sexual organs are still contained within the vehicle.
The greatest driver of all time for the BMW is Naveed iqbal he loves the BMW GTO TYPE-R with the lovely DJ3ABC123-VTEC engine.
Old models have now fallen into the hands on the mentally ill who resort to mangling them with horrifying results. Lucky some kindly souls take pity on the older ones and provide safe havens to rescue as many as possible, particularly the rarer //M (Mentalis) varitation.
Julian Lee now owns BMW after buying them and combining Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Audi, Volvo, Lexus, Jaguar and Volkswagen to become MeBAuVoLeJaGen.
MeBAuVoLeJaGen 5-class RS-80 LS600 XKR GTI
As a corporation, BMW date back to the 12th century, when they were founded by Ghengis Khan during his pacifist tour of Europe. For several centuries they produced rainbow's, pixies, and unconditional love, and thus caused widespread revulsion in Europe, which plunged into countless years of bloodshed.
However, facing financial ruin in the 1930s, the company was taken over by Adolph Hitler, who transformed the ailing company into a leading producer of Nazi blow-up sex dolls with twin-turbocharged sex holes and speed vents.
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[edit] Prerequisites for driving a BMW
One of the factors that have propelled BMW to high demand are the strict requirements they impose on potential drivers of their vehicles. These include:
- Must be a pompous ass-wipe.
- Must be certified as one of the world's worst 10,000 drivers.
- Must have a cell phone stapled to the side of your head.
- Must talk using a bluetooth mobile device, and when not in your Bastard Masturbation Wagon, you must talk on it very loud and annoy everyone around you, becouse, well, you own a fucking BMW and they don't.
- Must be in possession of either a massive superiority complex or a massive inferiority complex.
- Must be partially blind in both eyes.
- Must have an intricate knowledge of manual transmissions
- Must have emptied all excrement before entering
- Must be bald.
Your typical BMW driver.
not a bmw driver
[edit] Rules of the BMW
- BMW drivers are never allowed to drive at reasonable speeds. They must travel under or over the speed limit by at least 40 KM/H at all times.
- Anyone driving a BMW must drive at their own risk.
- Anyone not driving a BMW must enforce the first rule.
- Any non-German is honor-bound to refer to a BMW as a "Nazi Sled".
- Anyone driving a lowered BMW 3 series (or M3) of any kind MUST be part of an ethnic street gang.
- Anyone under the age of 25 driving a new BMW should be arrested immediately because he is obviously a drug dealer.
- BMWs can only be bought by people who are not tasteful enough to own a Mercedes-Benz.
- BMWs can only be bought by people who are not smart enough to own a Acura.
- BMWs can only be bought by people who are not ghetto enough to buy a Lexus, wait a minute who the fucc would even want to buy a lexus, o excuuse me es-estupid chinese man
- Must be someone who has no Penis or cunt.
- Someone eq or iq lesser that 10
- Someone with too much money that he used detergent to wash he penis till it sHRUNK
- Must not be Chinese. All chinaman buy Mercedes-Benz
- Must not wear yellow boots
- Must be Cantonese
- Must know that BMW also stands for Break My Windows, they must also find that out the hard way
Result of driving a BMW.
[edit] Baader-Meinhof Wagen
The BMW was so popular amongst members of the Rote Armee Faktion (Baader-Meinhof Gang) - due to the fact that the cars were fast, easy to steal and anonymous - that German wags claimed the initials actually stood for Baader Meinhof Wagen. Well, we all know what they say about German humour...
[edit] Distinguishing Features
[edit] Distinguishing Between Hedgehogs and BMWs
It's easy. Hedgehogs have the pricks on the outside.
[edit] Distinguishing Between Al-Qaeda and BMWs
This is not so easy. We recommend that if you are in the armed forces and you are placed in a situation where you have to decide, you should shoot first and make the necessary identification once the smoke clears (if possible). Nobody has ever been court-martialled for accidentally blowing up a BMW and for good reason.
[edit] Distinguishing Between Evil Robotic Transformers from another planet and BMWs
Again if you see a BMW shoot first. If evil robotic transforming robots from another planet DID arrive, adopting a BMW disguise would be the only way they could hope to go un-noticed.
[edit] Distinguishing Between a Bucket of Shit and BMWs
Look for the long handle across the top which is a dead giveaway. BMWs never have roof-racks since it would make them look more like evil robotic transformers from another planet.
[edit] Species
Being a German company, BMW have no imagination when it comes to model names. Popular models include:
- U2: boring and Irish.
- X3: the long awaited sequel.
- Z8: a.k.a. the Zate.
- BUMER: Huiņa.
- M3: (or MMM) The Tastycrat
- X5: The Osama
- M5: (or MMMMM or M(V)) The Assassin (Especially in black on black)
- B7: The AlpinaVagon, or ofcourse affectionately dubbed the "NaziSled"
- Mini
A poor cloning attempt by a mad German scientist, under instruction from Hitler in 1449B.C. in a secret antarctic base this escaped into the wild in the late 20th century and has since been causing havoc in plauge proportions. It assumes the identity of the earlier British Mini yet can be distinguished by its much larger proportions. One of the lands Nazi conquered. A car that people like mr.bean love to drive, no matter how lousy it is.
MINI
- 1 Series
A particularly ugly subvariant that has been recently spotted, smaller than most models it's existence appears to be for the sole reason of scaring small children. There are rumours that it was bred specifically to attack other hatchback species, but if this is true then it has failed to deliver, possibly an unwanted experiment. One of the main reasons it cannot attack the other hatchbacks is because it is as slow as crap. Mainly bought as a BMW and not as an actual car. Nazi's failure before they conquered the MINI.
BMW 1 SERIES
- 3 Series
By far the most common of the breed, the common, or garden, twit as it is sometimes known, has in its current evolutionary state has developed camouflage that makes it almost invisible in the urban environment. It's sole distinguishing feature is its tiny little legs which look completely out of place. Some owners use stilts to make it appear more normal, this normally only makes it appear more ridiculous.
BMW 3-SERIES
- Z4
A subspecies that looks slightly different from other models, mostly identified by its sexual organs, which although are still inside the car, are on open display. It appears to be aggressive but is actually harmless. If bitten it may leave a nasty rash. It is an evolution of the earlier Z3 from 1865 which was actually a mutation of the Z1 which was a rarer mutation of the 1 series after a French Nuclear test in the South Pacific. The Z1 is rarer and worth more to a collector as a wall trophy, the Z3 however is very common,undesirable and cunt-like, despite a brief period when it was in fashion shortly after it was first discovered under a rock in the Nevada Desert
BMW Z4
- 5 Series
A larger version of the common twit, not as common so is known by the more familiar name of uncommon twit. After its attractive predescessor this version inheritated poor genetics as the result of evil nazi experiments in the aftermath of the pink explosion of 1863. Its development parallels that of the 9 series with which it is very closely related. Although most are harmless the M5 model is particularly vicious. The M5 is difficult to spot with its modest appearance giving the impression it is a normal 5er when it in fact has a much more powerful bite and greater speed, luckily this type is rarely seen. The ordinary 5er sometimes dresses itself up to look more aggressive, these are fairly common and normally nothing to worry about as long as you remain wary of the M5 variant.
BMW M5
- 6 Series
Thought extinct for a while this subspecies was originally a seagoing species first spotted in the around 1970BC, it was itself thought to be related to the earlier imaginatively named 3.0L CSL, however this later model, shark-like, creature benefitted from more effective streamling to deal with its watery environment. It was thought to have been hunted to extinction, though the 8 series was apparently an offshoot of some heavily mutated 6er genes, however it was quickly hunted to extinction by the Norwegians and Japanese in the name of 'scientific research'. These are now extinct after being endangered for some time. This new 6 series that has recently reappeared is thought to be another Nazi experiment gone horribly wrong and based on a mutated 5 series. This has developed a tortise like shell and the ability to crawl on land. Mostly harmless, the M6 version distinguished by its striped legs can be poisionous.
BMW 6-SERIES
- 7 Series
A full size variant after the ill advised experiment of breeding a 5 series with a Hippolopomotatomouse. Its large and ugly, yet can move and turn much faster than would normally be expected. It has a large appetite for small children and the elderly, luckily it is uncommon apart from weaker base models. A Full size adult is normally harmless unless provoked, then it will charge and possibly stampede.
BMW 7-SERIES
- X3
An over-sized deformed variant of the 3 series, born after an ill advised drunken night with a mountain goat. It has the token ability to travel across slippery surfaces, however most are tame and rarely venture into the wild. Nothing more than a lapdog bred for society girls.It is also adivised to drink and drive when dealing with the X3 series,according to the Nazi official Adolf Hitler.
BMW X3
- X5
Much like the X3 except in this case with a 5 series and a larger result. Still rarely seen in the wild and also common as a pet, except the X5 is more commonly seen by delusional adults who wish to project a certain image of themselves, mainly that they are pretentious wankers. X5 is said to be the most common transport of drug dealers worldwide. Tony Montana is very protective of his X5's and will rather let his sister be screwed than his car screwed.
"say hello to my little friend! don you dare touch my BMW X5"
TONY MONTANA'S first BMW X5 which was an AUDI X5, he got cheated by Frank, so he killed him.
ALL I HAVE IN THIS WORLD IS MY X5 AND MY BALLS, U CAN HAVE MY SISTER
[edit] Rare Sub-Species
- Alpina B9/10
Looking much like the typical 5er, they first appeared around 1982BC, when a 5er and an AMG had intercourse (The BMW and Mercedes species are both rather similar, though there are some small differences, one being that the mercedes are commonly fatter, and generally more homosexual, though there is a little knowen sub-species called the AMG (Ballsicus Gretacis) that is higly dangerous) They are knowen to be highly aggressive and easily prevoked. Very difficult to spot, their main hunting grounds are at autocross tracks. Their main diet consists of Honda Civics (Importicus Maximus) and small pets. Their Highly Venomus. If seen, back away slowly, and do not, under any cercumstances call them an //M5, as they will likely charge.
ALPINA B9/10
- Hartge M5
Very little is known about these exteremely dangerous creatures. It is advised that you do not approach under any circumstances. expect similar behevious to the //M5.
HARTGE M5
- Motorrad
This species differs from the variants above in that this one only has two legs. It was said that in 1900, the president of BMW Adolf Hitler, wanted to offer his boyfriend David hasselhoff something to ride. Thus came the new Motorrad models. From the R45 all the way to the R1200GS and K1200R. They can be spotted in high mountainous areas, flat open areas and are very common on North Korea. It has been said that the North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has a great collection of these beasts.
KIM JONG IL
[edit] Also See
- Bananas
- Canada
- Institute of Totally Real Science
- Mercedes-Benz
- Audi S4
- Asian People
- Singapore
- Mat Rempit
- Proton_(cars)
- Perodua
Barmy British Stuff 
