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[edit] On the telly tonight

[edit] Today's featured article

Uncyclomedia and Readers' Slim Pickings Present:

Great Abridged Literature!

The Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller

Salesman: Here you are ma'am.

Woman: Oh, that's very comfortable. Do you have them in a darker brown?

Salesman: Yes, I think that... argh!

Salesman dies of heart attack. Woman looks around surreptitiously.

Woman: Yoink!

Woman takes shoes and runs. (more...)

[edit] Yesterday's featured article

WALTERBORO, South Carolina -- Robert Paulson, unlicensed electrician, amateur philatelist and canner of preserves, was paid an unexpected visit by a member of a local church last weekend. During the unrequested and informal meeting the unnamed visitor discussed with Robert such subjects as the weather, sports, politics and the future status of Robert's immortal soul. Mr. Paulson was aghast to learn that he was destined to be a permanent resident of a thoroughly unpleasant place called Hell because he, a devout agnostic, failed to believe in the divinity of one Jesus H. Christ.

A surprisingly pale person from the Middle East, Mr. Christ functioned as both Lord and Savior during His travels around that area, from approximately 0 - 30AD. Some people believe that He continues to fill those roles even today, despite the fact that the mandatory retirement age is sixty-five.

"Oh jeez, yah. I was shocked when I found out that Bob wasn't just going to be dead after he dies." said his widow, Myrna. "It's a good thing that that guy from the church woke us up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to tell us all about it." (more...)

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[edit] Lest we forget

November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day (not celebrated for some reason)

• 200 Sex is invented.
• 1812 - Puzzle potato officially refound. Citizens everywhere rejoice.
• 1910 - Hekyll and Jekyll secretly meet to create the Federal Reserve System.
• 1945 - Nazis accidentally explode nuclear bomb in Dresden. Allied air forces are subsequently blamed for mass firebombing.
• 1952 - In Guatemala, CIA first operation gives start to a era of brutal military dictatorships sponsored by the US government in Latin America ... wait... thats not funny...
• 1963 - J. F. K. accidentally assassinated by angry, confused polar bear. Polar bear plants gun on napping Lee Harvey Oswald and escapes in a get-away sled. Nobody looks into it very much.
• 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
• 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the moon landing.
• 1970 - The Million Cyberman March (pictured) is held in Washington, DC. Conspiracy theorists claim that it was actually a failed invasion from outer space.
• 1983 - America's largest Tin foil hat manufacturer is shut down - at the same time as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
• 1985 - 1985th anniversary of "Going to bed on November 21 and waking up on November 23 mysteriously" day
• 1986 - Hands Across America is celebrated at the same time as secret evidence is presented during the Iran-Contra trial.
• 1988 - J.F.K. zombie rises from dead and rampages across U.S. leaving hundreds slain in his wake. U.S Secretary of Wizardry David Copperfield resurrects the spirit of Abraham Lincoln to stop the monster.
• 1989 - Remains of JFK's brain grafted into a 150ft tall, titanium, laser-eyed, nuclear-powered robot to celebrate the anniversary of his death. JFK-9000 ran amuck and was subsequently destroyed by Godzilla, who had to be flown in especially from Tokyo, Japan.
• 1992 - Mossad agents from the future assassinate Sam Weaver in Ruby Ridge for unknown reasons.
• 1999 - CIA operatives go berserk in Columbine High School, killing 14 people including two innocent students who were subsequently blamed.
• 2000 - Shadow Internet #1 created. Subsequent internets are created in the coming years.
• 2001 - George W. Bush places blame on Afghanistan for Terra-ist attack 11 days earlier, when in actuality he did it in order to have an excuse to declare war.
• 2005 - Federal Government attempt to reduce surplus population in New Orleans fails with just over 700 deaths.
• 2006 - South Park exposes 2001 conspiracy as a conspiracy; Bush too stupid to blow up planes
• 2007 - November 22 mysteriously wiped empty
• 2008 - Squirrel resembling J.F.K. assasinated.

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