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Today's featured article

So you want to set up a backstreet abortion clinic? Perhaps you flunked medical school and need cash; perhaps you are an entrepreneur who has spotted a niche market; perhaps you live in one of those crazy countries where abortion is illegal; or perhaps you're just a guy with a set of forceps that you don't know what to do with. Whatever the reason, with the rise of religious fundamentalism, the time has never been better to set yourself up as an illegal abortionist. This book, drawing from my 30 years of experience in the field of illegal child-killing, is a complete guide to the art of illegal backstreet abortion.

Chapter 1: Location, Location, Location

Choosing a location is one of the most important choices an illegal abortionist can make. It is estimated that 30% of backstreet abortion clinics fail because of a poorly chosen premises. A good premises should be somewhere out of the way and should have a sturdy table or chair on which to perform the abortions, a drain for blood, a good escape route for when the authorities come around and a nice quiet place for disposing of dead fetuses. A sink for washing hands and tools is optional. (more...)

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Yesterday's featured article

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. ...yeah. I know.

How Great?

There are some people out there who will say that the Great American Novel has already been written. I say to thee: NOT TRUE, and NOT TRUE do I say to thee. No book has ever been great enough to be as great as the Great American Novel has to be: In fact, no book can be. Or, at least, no book written by people who aren't Jesus. How does it feel to fail before you even tried? How does it feel to fail in front of Lady Liberty?

It has to bring tears to the eyes. It has to make readers and critics burst into tears. It has to be sad enough to make soldiers throw down their guns in disgust (but pick them up again, of course). It has to be sweeping in its depressive qualities. Good lord, it has to be sad. Oh, oh Jesus. It has to include a powerful, but broken, old man who's retarded son-- no, no wait-- retarded family has to etch a living out of the cruel soil of Kansas-- no, no wait-- Oklahoma. (more...)