Babel:OW

[edit] Oscar's Chosen Article

[edit] Today's featured article

FROM REVIEWER: Jake "Big Daddy" Kronegger
"Normally, the ol' ball and chain and I leave the kids with my parents when we go to the movies. It doesn't matter what movie we go to, really, as all we do is make out, if you know what I mean. Yep, just like the old days, back when I had a Camaro and a full head of hair and before the kids arrived. Since the wife and my mother opted to stay home, it was just me, the kids, and my dad on this particular Kronegger family adventure. I dropped them off at the megaplex..." (more)

[edit] Yesterday's featured article

Gemini (plural Geminii) is a constellation located in the winter sky of the upper hemisphere, and the summer sky of the leftern hemisphere. It is a zodiac constellation, meaning that people born during a certain time of the year are magically affected by this collection of billions and billions of stars that are located anywhere from just a few trillion miles away (practiaclly in Earth's backyard!) to several billion parsecs away. The symbol for Gemini is a roman numeral '2', signifying the vague shape of twins represented by the brighter stars in the group. If you are unable to see these two individuals hanging up there in the sky, know that old people saw them a really long time ago, meaning that they must be there. People born under the influence of this sign, between May 21 and June 21, typically exhibit many of the same qualities, such as breathing, requiring food approximately every eight hours, and being roughly symmetrical.

Several entities in the region of the sky defined by Gemini have been designated by scientists as being "cool." When asked what specific qualities rendered these objects interesting, astronomers were unable to consistently define any characteristic (astronomy, unlike astrology, is a very imprecise branch of pseudoscience involving guesswork and generalities). In any case, these so-called notable bodies are described below. (more...)

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[edit] Why was I born with such contemporaries?

I'm gonna' hit that shit all day long, son!

September 7: Electric Bong Day (Poland), Invade Stuff Just for the Hell of It Day (Germany)

• 10,000 B.C. - Armed with sticks, rocks, and clods of dirt, first primitive Germanic people invade France. 15 minutes later, the white flag is invented.
• 355 - Claudius Silvanus, Roman usurper died. No more usurping from that guy.
• 1911 - The first bean bag chair goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
• 1914 - Germany invades Austria, Belgium, France, Serbia, Armenia, Norway, Zaire, South Dakota.
• 1940 - The Blitz: the German Luftwaffe begins to rain bombs down on London. The Blitz is followed by the Blintz, in which the Luftwaffe rains pastries down on London, including the deadly Luftwaffle.
• 1945 - Winston Churchill takes his first holiday after victory in Europe, Snow boarding in Palestine.
• 1960 - Strange spikes in household electricity use are observed throughout California.
• 1980 - Mr. Spears invades Mrs. Spears' pants, finds more than he expected.
• 1988 - Clayton Allen born. International successs story.
• 1992 - Princess Anne was released back into the wild in Africa from captivity.
• 2001 - Luxembourg floated on the New York Stock Exchange. Germany attempts a hostile takeover.
• 2003 - Parents send their children to invade Micheal Jacksons bed, later Sue. And Jane also.
• 2005 - First documented usage of the term kvlt as fvck. Norway rejøices

The history of the United Kingdom

[edit] The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.

• Bristol Palin's unborn child is pregnant (pictured)

• Weather Service Issues Hannah Montana warning for the southeastern US

• Bears are really, really scary.

• John McCain calls for a War on Bears

• New guide advises how to help children join gangs

• Movie character fails to heed helpful advice

• Greenpeace releases new line of Green Pieces

• AC/DC's new single sounds too much like their other songs

• Barack Obama calls for a return of shows like "Eight is Enough"

• Putin accuses America of conducting an illegal Overture in Georgia

• Joe Biden has too many hats

• Some Asian video game released; Everyone gives rat's ass

• God stuns Christians everywhere by rewriting the Bible

• New research shows Earth was once full of life

• Turtle racing is really damn boring

Today in London

[edit] It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information, so did you know...

From Uncyclopedia's playwrights:

• ...that Dr. Suess was a real pervert?

Read on

[edit] Recent witticisms

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[edit] This Month's Wit

Sometimes you have to walk in the dead of night. Through back alleys and into shady neighborhoods. And sometimes you have to have to go where no human being with smell receptor cells in their nostrils should ever have to go: The sewer. There, in the shady bleakness of it all lives the polite and well-mannered creature of the night, the horrible UNDER USER. He is the purveyor of pointless military things, the wrapper of bubbles, the shopper of lists, the fucker of offs... and the acclaimed mystery author! He's Under user, and yes, I know I've said that already!

And now if you'll please follow me down the hall, we'll take a look at one of our most recent additions, the Simia erectus species, also known as the Monkey Man. Due to its distinguishable similarities to us humans, it was widely believed until recently that these particular specimens were merely ugly children. However, recent actual accomplishments in the "No Child Left Behind" laws have given us more chances to study these magnificent creatures up close. One of the most fascinating things about this species is that they can go entire days, weeks, even months, doing absolutely nothing, completely oblivious to the world around them. Then again, this individual Simian seems bored by such an uneventful life. This particular Monkey Man enjoys playing with fire, long walks on the beach, and in his spare time likes to peel his bananas. Pun intended.

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