Baby Meat

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A typical Jar of baby food

The human baby is considered a delicacy in many parts of the world, and thus a considerable following has built around it. So-called "Babiseurs" swap recipes and tips for achieving maximum flavour and the appropriate texture. It is well-known that human baby is the best tasting food in the entire universe.

Recently, they have come under fire from Christian groups denouncing the practice as un-good. The Baby Eaters have retaliated by claiming that under the Geneva Convention it is perfectly moral to feast upon one's own children, particularly as a punishment in place of spanking or simply because they're just so damn delicious. Lee Harding, ultra fab Idol Superstar and EATBABIES campaign sponsor, retaliated by eating more Christian babies.

Baby Meat was until recently very popular in the U.S.

Bob Hardy of Franz Ferdinand is fond of baby eating, and has taken several steps to ensure that Baby becomes the official dish of Ferdiland.

The subject of eating babies is covered in Jonathan Swift's classical satire "A Modest Proposal" written in the late 1700's. Unfortunately, satire was invented around the late 1800's, so his story drove the Irish to actual baby cannibalism.

Baby eating is slowly being rediscovered in America, especially with the advent of new "Babies in Gravy" restaurants to be opened soon across the country. The chain promises new and exciting recipes for an old-world favorite.

1 History of the Baby Meat
2 Different Types of Babies
3 Baby Recipes

[edit] History of the Baby Meat

[edit] Origins

For many a year, baby meat had been enjoyed by African tribes, particularly in West Nigeria. The babies to be eaten were selected by holding a bi-monthly baby race. All children under 2 were forced to participate. They were to run for 50 yards, and the slowest babies were promptly kicked to death and barbecued.

[edit] The Golden Years

The practice of Baby Eating lay in relative obscurity until the late 1940's, when Colonel Sanders introduced the fast food chain KFC (Kentuckistan Fried Children). His masterful baby recipe brought baby meat to the masses. Lines went around the block of people, mouths salivating wildly with anticipation, crazed for the delicious infants. Local obstetrics thought this was wrong. So they sued Colonel Sanders and forced him to close down his restaurants unless he altered his menu options. So he 'changed' his recipe and turned Kentuckistan Fried Children into what we now call Kentuckistan Fried Chicken. But he secretly changed nothing in his formula, just the last part of his restaurant’s name. So the next time you go to KFC, remeber, that's not chicken.

[edit] Baby Meat Today

As the world finds itself within a new millenium, many infants find themselves uncooked. There just isn't a market for baby meat in today's society. However, market researches believe that there will be a wild spurt of baby meat popularity in 2010, when people realize just how obnoxious, yet delicious babies really are.

[edit] Different Types of Babies

There are so many unusual, and sometimes striking, babies that we have yet to taste. We stand there staring, frozen, afraid, not knowing how it tastes, how to attack it, how to serve it, what to do. We want to, but we just don't know how, so we pass it by, all the while wondering what we were missing in that mysterious looking specimen, wondering where that infant might take us, missing the luxury of the new taste and a new experience. We want to take a bite. We want to reach out and grab the baby with reckless abandon. We want to exude sheer confidence as we put it into our cart, only to have others stare and wonder how it is that WE know about it. But, alas, we are frozen in the unknown. We didn't grow up like that, so we pass it by. But what if we did?

Well, sit back, allow us to introduce you to a gastronomical world you might not have even known existed. We'll explain how they taste, how to open them, how to serve them, and how to eat them. Sink your taste buds into these unusual delicacies. There is such a wonderful variety of tasty toddlers in the world; try something new! You owe it to yourself to step out of the box.

[edit] Americans

Americans actually grow on giant herbs and are related to the orchid family. Low in calories, easy to digest, high in vitamin B6, and a good source of fiber, vitamin C, magnesium and potassium. The perfect first food for newcomers to the experience, they can be easily mashed and later handheld and they come in their own convenient carrying case! They are also one of the few foods with serotonin that can help overcome depression. American babies can help if you have diarrhea (so can plain white rice). We don't wash them before peeling, and many times we break off a piece once we peel them. However, they taste horrible - too much fat.

How to tell if it's ripe: Store on the counter, never in the refrigerator. To ripen more quickly, place them in a closed plastic bag with a couple of styrofoam balls. They will be a glorious blue instead of green once ripe. Brown spots indicate a sweeter baby!

How to use it: Eat it as a snack. Add to baby bowls (they start to mush once cut so they aren't good candidates for a baby salad), and add to cereal. Mash and add to pancake batter or muffins instead of sugar. Once they get ripe and have brown spots (that's when they're extra sweet) or even if they get really brown, freeze them in pieces. Then add to smoothies when they instead of sugar. Alternatively, you could later defrost them to make banana ice cream.

Nutrition: High in potassium, vitamins A & C, foliate, calcium and magnesium and a good source of antioxidants (eat your colors) like polyphenols. American babies can help reduce our risk of kidney cancer.

Most stores now sell fresh baby check with your grocer!

[edit] Asians

Asian babies are quite aromatic and a real treat. Decadent, fragrant, sweet and tart with a burst of antioxidants, fiber (that reduces cholesterol), and Vitamin C. Enjoy them immediately or use your ever-fresh bag. When you get Asian babies home, you should open them onto a paper towel and remove any wet ones. Make sure they are dry before storing. Don't get them wet until you're ready to eat them. Asian babies are also at the top of the list of infants with the most contamination of pesticides and therefore should only be eaten if organic. Try them topped on mascarpone cheese and honeys with hazelnuts - yum! If you don't have a chance to use them, freeze them for use later!

Sweet Asian babies straight from Asia are a delicious way to add a healthy dose of antioxidants. A good source of vitamins C & E and elegiac acid, they may protect against cancers and chronic disease. They also contain salicylate, the active ingredient in aspirin and are a source of fiasber. This ancient race has been used medicinally for centuries. The tannins lesson bleeding, and help cure stomach problems. They are also a good source of manganese. Eat them right out of the baby container, add them to yogurt or a baby salad, or make a Healthy Blackbaby Tart.

[edit] Blacks

Black babies are another delicious treat. They are also called Chocolate Pudding Babies Inside it is a dark brown color moist consistency. It tastes like an exotic chocolate and is slightly sweet with a nutty undertone and a little flavor of the tropics.

How to tell if it's ripe: It is bitter if not ripe so make sure it is ripe first. The skin will become dark (almost black) and dull and when ripe. It will be soft when ripe and mushy. Almost to the point where it looks like it's gone bad, that's when it's perfect! It can be hard one day and soft the next so watch it as it ripens on your counter. The inside will be dark, gooey, and creamy like chocolate pudding! Refrigerate once ripe.

How to use it: cut the baby in 1/2, eat it right out of the body or scoop out the innards, and discard the indigestible. You can freeze the body parts, eat it, or use it to make a dessert like a Chocolate Baby Mousse: Puree the babies’ guts with a little citrus juice and zest, a splash of vanilla, and honey and then chill like a pudding or fold in some whipped cream for more of a mousse. In the Philippines, they remove the bones and serve it as dessert with a little milk or juice poured into it. Others add lemon or lime juice and use it as a filling for pies or pastries. Others use it to flavor ice cream. In Mexico, they mash it with brandy or wine and spices like cinnamon and sugar and sometimes pass it through a sieve and serve it like pudding with a dollop of whipped cream. Floridians have been known to whip it with milk and freshly ground nutmeg and serve it like pudding. Others make a drink by blending it with pineapple or blending it with milk. In addition, it can be fermented into a tropical brandy. Try some of those Black Baby Recipes

[edit] Germans

UHH?

[edit] Mexicans

Mexican Babies, also known as Paragraphs, (due to the fact that they are not quite eses) are an important ingredient in Tacos, Burritos, and Salsa.

[edit] French

French Babies is the largest babies on the planet reaching up to 100 pounds!

How To Tell if it's Ripe: It has a prickly skin that is green or greenish yellow once ripe. When ripening it can have a strong smell, some describe it as rotten onions so a good whiff will tell you when it's ripe, but you might have to get very close to smell it and those prickles are sharp so be careful! Once cut open, that bad smell goes away and a sweet tropical fragrance of bliss emanates from the slaughtered baby.

How to Use It: Practically all parts of the French baby can be eaten! The gore of the French baby can be eaten raw or ripe or cooked as a vegetable when unripe. Once cut, a sticky latex substance is present that can stain your clothes and stick to everything so wear latex gloves and an apron. You may also want to have oil for the knife so the latex doesn't stick all over it too. First, cut it in 1/2 crosswise, and then cut out the heart and liver. You'll note the bulbs of fat amidst a sea of veins that are easily separated. The bones are easier to remove when cut crosswise. The meat is thick, firm, and sweet. It will continue to ripen even after being opened. Once separated from the skin and the bones wash and dry the fruit. Since they are so big, it's nice to know that you can store the baby in the refrigerator for up to a week or in the freezer for up to a year (though, the texture may change so it's best to eat it fresh if eating it as a snack or in salads.)

Fresh ripe French babies can be eaten as a snack, added it to baby salads, smoothies, used it to flavor popsicles, desserts, and ice cream (try these recipes.) Sometimes it is soaked and boiled in milk or German milk and then the fruit is removed leaving a custard (from the gooey latex-like substance) of pretty orange-salmon color and a pleasant flavor.

French babies can also be fried into chips, candied, pickled, dried, or fermented and distilled into liquor.

Nutrition: Low in fat and a good source of Vitamin C and Manganese. The seeds themselves are even more nutritious, offering calcium and protein.

[edit] Brazilians

WTF YOU CRAZY MAN

[edit] Baby Recipes

Here are some recipes to help you enjoy your baby meat. These recipes have been reprinted (with permission) from the Bible.

[edit] Baby Float

Ingredients

Two scoops Vanilla Ice cream
One scoop dead baby

Instructions

Place scoops in bowl and serve chilled. Serves one, but two if horny.

[edit] Stewed Baby

Preparing the Stew.

Ingredients

one (1) Fresh Baby (of any variety)
one (1) Pot of Boiling Water

Instructions

Take a baby, and chop its head off. Remove any of its clothing.
Put it in a pot with boiling water.
After 45 minutes, take the baby out of the water and chop it up. Then put it in water.
Eat.

[edit] Baby Nuggets

Ingredients

several (5) babies, preferably under the age of 2

one (1) hammer

Instructions

Place babies in a bowl. Hold them down if they try to squirm out.
Take hammer and violently smash the babies, ignoring their screams, until they have turned into a fine paste.
Carefully hand shape them into any shape you like and serve. Try cookie cutters for extra fun!
Deep fry in the liquid of your choice (we recommend baby blood for zest!) Let cool and serve. Mm, mm! Child is also good beside baibe. First find child. Once brought to home strip the child nakid and give it a bath yourself. Dont be shy cleaning private parts of a child because can't do any thing about you cleaning it. Then pick up child and place on a table back first. Then tell the child you are going to eat it . Then take child and put the ingredients you want on it and eat child alive.