Baby Eating
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“Like I always say: save a cow eat a babie”
~ Jesus on Babies
“I wonder what you taste like...”
~ Salad Fingers on Babies
“I love the little pink jellied babies myself”
~ Noel Coward on Babies
“How 'bout we put another shrimp on the baby?”
~ Some Guy Down Under on Babies
“Eating babies? Who'd a thunk it?”
~ Baby-Related Topics Commentator on Eating Babies
“We accept babies in exchange for license plates.”
~ The DMV on Babies
“...And then you add some RITZ and bake it in the oven on 800°F for 35 minutes...”
~ Martha Stewart on Her new baby casserole
“Back in my day, we just called it brunch.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Eating Babies
The human baby is considered a delicacy in many parts of the world, and thus a considerable following has built around it. So-called "Babiseurs" swap recipes and tips for achieving maximum flavour and the appropriate texture. It is well-known that human baby is the best tasting food in the entire universe.
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[edit] Boil in the Bag
Recently, they have come under fire from Christian groups denouncing the practice as un-good. The Baby Eaters have retaliated by claiming that under the Geneva Convention it is perfectly moral to feast upon one's own children, particularly as a punishment in place of spanking or simply because they're just so damn delicious. Lee Harding has retaliated by eating their babies.
Baby Meat was until recently very popular in the U.S.
Bob Hardy of Franz Ferdinand is fond of baby eating, and has taken several steps to ensure that Baby becomes the official dish of Ferdiland.
- This article is useful for stubbing the toes of babies, to juice them up a little.
The subject of eating babies is covered in Jonathan Swift's classical satire "A Modest Proposal" written in the late 1700's. Unfortunately, satire was invented around the late 1800's, so his story drove the Irish to actual baby cannibalism. Baby eating is slowly being rediscovered in America, especially with the advent of new "Babies in Gravy" restaurants to be opened soon across the country. The chain promises new and exciting recipes for an old-world favorite.
[edit] Guide to Healthy Baby Eating
Note: Not to be confused with eating healthy babies, okay? You get it? Great! Continue reading, then!
Before even preparing your table, stretch your selected baby's (or babies, if you're an Ethiopian orphan) limbs to and fro, much like tossing a salad. This can be done by placing your meal into a frying pan or bowl, shaking it, and flipping the baby like a pancake out of and into it. Once the meal is nicely stretched - you can check this by hitting its limbs with a rolling pin - put the infant into a high-powered blender and set it to "smoothie", or "soup" if you feel like it - it's totally your choice! Yay for healthy food!
After blending, smoothie-ing, soup-erizing or whisking the baby, pour it into a glass, add a straw, and voila! A perfect, five star healthly meal for a cannibal. For more recipes on "Healthy Baby Eating", visit your nearest Gypsy village and ask for the town sociopath. Go on! Do it!
Some guaranteed "healthy" baby foods:
- African Baby Soup
- Caesar Baby Salad
- Fat-Free Seven Layers of Infant (Chocolate or Vanilla!)
- Baby Communion Wafer - Special for Christians!
[edit] Baby Huffing
Please, be warned. If you are interested or are already involved in the illegal act of huffing babies, please be warned, it is not healthy for you. The babies, which holds nearly no nutrients and an over-abundance of sugar, kryptonite and argon, adds to your already hefty body weight from eating all these infants. It's your health, dumbass.
[edit] The EATBABIES CAMPAIGN
This controversial campaign, spearheaded by ultra-fab superstar Lee Harding, Australian Idol extraordinaire. The title, an acronym for “Idols for consuming of unwanted human offspring foundation” aims to spread awareness of this noble cause. It has been accepted in South East Asia and many other third world countries. It has also begun to take hold on the West Coast of America and in Crawford, Texas. President Bush has recently taken this ritual into the White House to much public anger. Unfortunately, Bill Cosby is also a big player in this campaign and eats babies live on T.V.
[edit] BABY EATING HOW TO
There are so many unusual and sometimes striking babies that we have yet to taste. We stand there staring, frozen, afraid, not knowing how it tastes, how to attack it, how to serve it, what to do. We want to, but we just don't know how, so we pass it by, all the while wondering what we were missing in that mysterious looking specimen, wondering where that infant might take us, missing the luxury of the new taste and a new experience. We want to take a bite. We want to reach out and grab the baby with reckless abandon. We want to exude sheer confidence as we put it into our cart, only to have others stare and wonder how it is that WE know about it. But, alas, we are frozen in the unknown. We didn't grow up like that, so we pass it by. But what if we did?
Well, sit back, allow us to introduce you to a gastronomical world you might not have even known existed. We'll explain how they taste, how to open them, how to serve them, and how to eat them. Sink your taste buds into these unusual delicacies. There is such a wonderful variety of tasty toddlers in the world; try something new! You owe it to yourself to step out of the box.
[edit] Americans
Americans actually grow on giant herbs and are related to the orchid family. Low in fat and calories, easy to digest, high in vitamin B6, and a good source of fibre babys can also be acquired through amazon! They are also one of the few foods with serotonin that can help overcome depression. American babies can help if you have diarrhea (so can plain white rice). We don't wash them before peeling, and many times we break off a piece once we peel them.
How to tell if it's ripe: Store on the counter, never in the refrigerator. To ripen more quickly, place them in a closed plastic bag with a couple of styrofoam balls. They will be a glorious blue instead of green once ripe. Brown spots indicate a sweeter baby!
How to use it: Eat it as a snack. Add to baby bowls (they start to mush once cut so they aren't good candidates for a baby salad), add to cereal. Mash and add to pancake batter or muffins instead of sugar. Once they get ripe and have brown spots (that's when they're extra sweet) or even if they get really brown, freeze them in pieces. Then add to smoothies, or later defrost them to make baby ice cream.
Nutrition: High in potassium, vitamins A & C, folate, calcium and magnesium and a good source of antioxidants (eat your colors) like polyphenols. American babies can help reduce our risk of kidney cancer.
[edit] Asians
Asian babies are quite aromatic and a real treat. Decadent, fragrant, sweet and tart with a burst of antioxidants, fibre (that reduces cholesterol), and Vitamin C. Enjoy them immediately or use your ever-fresh bag. When you get asian babies home you should open them onto a paper towel and remove any wet ones. Make sure they are dry before storing. Don't get them wet until you're ready to eat them. Asian babies are also at the top of the list of infants with the most contamination of pesticides and therefore should only be eaten if organic. Try them topped on mascarpone cheese and honeys with hazelnuts - yum! If you don't have a chance to use them, freeze them for use later!
Sweet Asian babies straight from Asia are a delicious way to add a healthy dose of antioxidants. A good source of vitamins C & E and ellagic acid, they may protect against cancers and chronic disease. They also contain salicylate, the active ingredient in aspirin and are a source of fiasber. This ancient race has been used medicinally for centuries. The tannins lesson bleeding, and help cure stomach problems. They are also a good source of manganese. Eat them right out of the baby container, add them to yogurt or a baby salad, or make a Healthy Blackbaby Tart.
[edit] Blacks
Black babies are another delicious treat. They are also called Chocolate Pudding Babies Inside it is a dark brown color moist consistency. It tastes like a exotic chocolate and is slightly sweet with a nutty undertone and a little flavor of the tropics.
How to tell if it's ripe: It is bitter if not ripe so make sure it is ripe first. The skin will become dark (almost black) and dull and when ripe. It will be soft when ripe and mushy. Almost to the point where it looks like it's gone bad, that's when it's perfect! It can be hard one day and soft the next so watch it as it ripens on your counter. The inside will be dark and gooey and creamy like chocolate pudding! Refrigerate once ripe.
How to use it: Cut the baby in 1/2 and and eat it right out of the body or scoop out the innards and discard the indigestables. You can freeze the body parts or eat it or use it to make a dessert like a Chocolate Baby Mousse: Puree the baby's guts with a little citrus juice and zest, a splash of vanilla, and honey and then chill like a pudding or fold in some whipped cream for more of a mousse. In the Philippines, they remove the bones and serve it as dessert with a little milk or juice poured into it. Others add lemon or lime juice and use it as a filling for pies or pastries. Others use it to flavor ice cream. In Mexico they mash it with brandy or wine and spices like cinnamon and sugar and sometimes pass it through a sieve and serve it like pudding with a dollop of whipped cream. Floridians have been known to whip it with milk and freshly ground nutmeg and serve it like pudding. Others make a drink by blending it with pineapple or blending it with milk. And it can be fermented into a tropical brandy. Try some of those Black Baby Recipes!
[edit] Germans
German babies taste and look like bread if cut open before it has a chance to ripen.
How to use it: Young green German babies have a clear juice that is sweet, refreshing, and aromatic. Young German babies have a jelly-like meat which can be eaten or used in smoothies. As they mature the meat firms up and can be used to make shredded German baby or German milk. Shredded German babies can be added to smoothies or used in meals or desserts. The German baby can also be used to make German oil (the oil content increases as it matures), soaps, candles, and skin care products..
Nutrition: Highly nutritious, high in electrolytes, high in minerals, vitamins and amino acids, yet low in fat and with no cholesterol, Germans have gotten a bad rap but are refreshing, delicious, and nutritious! German baby milk contains lauric acid. Young german babies are more nutritious than older toddlers. They are good for our heart, liver and kidney. They are known for their medicinal qualities including their ability to relieve headaches, cure upset stomachs, stop diarrhea, reduce fevers, and strengthening the heart.
[edit] Mexican
Mexian babies smell like, well, open them OUTSIDE and away from friends, but it tastes oh so amazing. (Like Taco Bell)just don't let Chavo Chavez see you eat his baby.
How to tell if it's ripe: Choose a baby that is light for it's size and whose limbs are big and solid. Cut off one of the limbs. The pus coming from the limb should be clear and sweet. When you shake it, you should hear the brain move and if you hit it with a stick, it should give a "thunk" hollow sound. It should have a strong smell. When you insert a knife, it should come out sticky. Once open, if the skin around the baby's head is wrinkled and a darker yellow, you will be rewarded. That is a sign that the brain was more mature and you will have a sweeter infant.
How to use it: The brain is thick and tough. It's less smelly once you remove it from the body. Surrounding the Mexican babies stomach there are five sections of a luscious, rich, satiny, white to cream colored, custard-like pulp. They are sweet and buttery with a hint of vanilla. Some enjoy Mexican babies with coffee. Some use it as a relish with rice, while most just eat it immediately upon opening them. Once open, plan on finishing it because it will go bad quickly. Add it to a baby salad with Asian and german babies or make a smoothie of assorted infants. It can also be cooked and used for desserts or even fermented. Freeze it and later mash it for a Mexican ice cream!
Nutrition: Highly nutritious and complete with protein, fat, minerals, carbs, antioxidants, and vitamins. It is also said to be an aphrodisiac.
Tips: Use the husk as a cup and mix with water and drink to remove any lingering odor. Remove odor from hands and fingers by rinsing under the water with the husk.
[edit] French
French Babies are the largest babies on the planet, reaching up to 1,000,000 pounds!
How To Tell if it's Ripe: It has a prickly skin that is green or greenish yellow once ripe. When ripening it can have a strong smell, some describe it as rotten onions so a good whiff will tell you when it's ripe, but you might have to get very close to smell it and those prickles are sharp so be careful! Once cut open, that bad smell goes away and a sweet tropical fragrance of bliss emanates from the slaughtered baby.
How to Use It: Practically all parts of the French baby can be eaten! The gore of the French baby can be eaten raw or ripe or cooked as a vegetable when unripe. Once cut, a sticky latex substance is present that can stain your clothes and stick to everything so wear latex gloves and an apron. You may also want to have oil for the knife so the latex doesn't stick all over it too. First Cut it in 1/2 crosswise, then cut out the heart and liver. You'll note the bulbs of fat amidst a sea of viens which are easily separated. The bones are easier to remove when cut crosswise. The meat is thick, firm, and sweet. It will continue to ripen even after being opened. Once separated from the skin and the bones, wash and dry the meat. Since they are so big, it's nice to know that you can store the baby in the refrigerator for up to a week or in the freezer for up to a year (though, the texture may change so it's best to eat it fresh if eating it as a snack or in salads.)
Fresh ripe French babies can be eaten as a snack, added it to baby salads, smoothies, used it to flavor popsicles, desserts, and ice cream. Sometimes it is soaked and boiled in milk or German milk and then the fruit is removed leaving a custard (from the gooey latex-like substance) of pretty orange-salmon color and a pleasant flavor.
French babies can also be fried into chips, candied, pickled, dried, or fermented and distilled into a liquor.
Nutrition: Low in fat and a good source of Vitamin C and Manganese. The seeds are even more nutritious offering calcium and protein.
[edit] Brazilians
Brazilian babies are fun as a treat to peel and suck on. You can also put it through your juicer and use it to make a green Brazilian baby juice that you can drink as is, add to a smoothie or add to other vegetables that you juice! Delicious and fun treat! Symbolically eaten at the Chinese New Year because they represent an upward path - they place the baby at their door at the New Year based upon the legend that the infant is what saved the Hokkien race. Cut it in half and use it as to serve Hors d'Oeuvres or make it into skewers for chicken or baby kabobs! Try Shrimp Mousse and eat it with Brazilian babies! Or use them as skewers and make Skewered Shrimp on Brazlian babies with Mango Lime Salsa!
[edit] Christians
Jesus-Freaks, as they prefer to be called, enjoy dividing the selected baby into two pieces - one to offer to Jesus, Bringer of Plagues and Creator of the Moose, and eat the other half using their nostrils, which by now have grown little canine teeth to chew the baby. Occasionally - most likely on a Wednesday - the Jesus-Freaks huff the babies using hollow stone tubes to commemorate the movie Jerry Maguire and chant, "Show me the money! Show me the money!". Afterwards, they then become deluded and experience hallucinations, such as Nicholas Cage having ear sex with Elmo on the set of Starship Troopers - a sure sign of good fortune. Baby-salsa is sometimes created from partially-huffed infants and sold to Taco Bell for more babies.
[edit] Irish
Irish babies are highly versitile and can be used in several dishes. Irish babies appear to be rounder, browner and slightly starchier than their Australian equivalent (which tastes like Fosters). Mashed baby is very popular as is baby stew. Traditional Irish baby dishes are chased with Guinness and mopped up with a jack russel (helps with the hangover). An over reliance on Irish babies in Ireland led to the infamous baby famine in which many died and emmigrated. Because of this Irish people supplement their diet with foreign babies. Irish babies have become so popular that have been packaged and sold as snacks overseas. The babies are thinly sliced, boiled and then seasoned with spices. Common seasonings include roasted garlic and squirrel flavoured baby, pan fried republican flavoured baby, bufallo flavoured baby and poison ivy and swan flavoured baby. Recently, Crisp Tots, the makers of the snacks, have stated that they are discontinuing their salt and vinegar flavoured baby and their cheese and onion flavoured babies. A statement from Mr. A Crisp explains that, "We simply thought that the flavours as they were, were too outlandish. Salt and vinegar? I wouldn't my tables with that stuff. And cheese and onion? Who the fuck thought that would be a good idea. I mean... who even... forget it *storms off*" Later on at that same press conference his aide announced on behalf of the Crisp Tot company the replacement flavours. Alsation flavoured baby and panda flavoured baby. The snacks have become extremely popular and because of this population in Ireland has decreases while copulation increases. The difficulty in getting "the main ingredient" for the snack has led to formation of gangs who seek to take all the babies for themselves and sell them on at an inflated price to the makers of these snacks. The gang split up after a row between two rival members, "I actually like cheese and onion" "Oi, fuck off" led to turf wars, gang shootings and kidnappings mainly isolated in Limerick. Because of this the Irish baby and the thinly sliced, boiled and seasoned variety have shot up in price leading to inflation in Ireland, the birth of the Celtic Tiger (1990's - 2001 RIP) and poverty among the lower classes, who take to huffing cats and snorting quack. The thinly sliced, boiled and seasoned variety of baby is now seen as a symbol of class and wealth in Ireland. Begging is common on the streets of Dublin, where grizzled and dishearthened 26 year old's (after that they are taken to disney world... or at least that's what we're told...) beg on the streets with their guitars strumming out crappy songs for enough money to buy a packet of Crisp Tots. And that is why there are too many buskers on Grafton Street.
WARNING: Irish babies SHOULD NOT be confused with Leprechauns, which are highly poisonous! DO NOT EAT THEM!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Although they look like Irish babies at first glance, an experienced baby chef can tell by their tiny green hats and shoes, tendency to suddenly disappear, and nonsensical exclamations (i.e. "Top o' de mournin' to yeh," or "Dehr olhwaes ahfter me Lucky Charms.") If you see a small Irish person exibiting any of these warning signs, do not eat them, no matter how delicious they appear. If you do, make sure it wasn't yours. If it is barf a lot of baby out of your mouth or if you already digested it crap it out.
[edit] Famous Baby-eaters
- Template:Skuzz Zombie AKA James Brown
- Adam Smith
- Rosie O'Donnell
- Bob Dole
- Avril Lavigne
- Michael Moore
- Oprah Winfrey
- Trent Reznor
- Captain Planet
- Michael Jackson
- Oscar Wilde
- Alive
- Tom Cruise
- Bob The Builder
- U2
- You
- Congressman Steve King
- Ronnie James Dio
- Joseph Stalin
- Jesus
- Your Mom
- Mrs Baillie
[edit] Ignorable Policies
It is important to realize that there is a significant threat of un-overpopulation due to the eating of babies, and so this site cannot legally endorse the practice. Legally.
[edit] Baby Eating as a sport
In 19th Century China, Baby eating was developed as a sport, beginning at Mr Wu Baby Eatery. It quickly grew in popularity and now there is over 20,000 professional baby-eaters worldwide. The reigning world champion baby eater is Tom Selleck who attributes his natural baby eating prowess to his delightful moustache.
[edit] See Also
 |  •••••Your Guide To Cannibalism•••••
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Albert Fish • Alfred Packer • ALIVE! • Baby Eating • Baby farming • Baby food • Baby Meat • Baby recipes • Cannibal Corpse • Cannibalism • Cannibals • Celebrity Roast • Dinner Party • Fine Young Cannibals • Hannibal Lecter • HowTo Cook A Human • HowTo Cook Children • Human head • I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green • New Zealand • Recipes • Soylent Green • UnNews Cannibals Stopped • UnNews New TV Trend • UnNews Soylent Green Defamation • Why? Don't Be A Cannibal • Why? Eat People • Zombies • Zombie Types |
Categories: Crime | Meat | Chinese Food | Cannibalism
