Baby food
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“I like to eat baby food... but only when I can't get fresh baby.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Baby food
“Baby food is a dieters friend! It's the best food you can eat through a straw!”
~ Jenny Craig on who knows anymore
“Delicious!”
“The only thing worse than a lawn full of dead babies is mowing it.”
~ Chinese proverb
“Whats harder than nailing a dead baby to a wall? My dick while I do it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Baby food
Baby food is food made from dead babies. Afficionados of baby food say it is wonderfully flavorful, and the flesh is tender and far superior in taste to that of beef, pork, South American soccer player, or mime.
Dead babies, the best selling ingredient for foodstuffs on the entire planet, make up 97% of every living creature's primary diet. They are created in giant baby-making factories,where the workers fertlize the baby trees.The dead babies fall out of the trees after 9 months. There is also belief that the slaves in the underground railroad lived off of dead babies because of all of the nutrients that dead babies provide.
Similar to chicken, no one could quite nail down exactly what dead babies taste like, but since there's no doubt that every single food product ever produced contains a significant portion of them, it's been concluded that they are the very the definition of flavour, and that everything else simply tastes like dead babies. Alec Baldwin eats dead babies.
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[edit] History of Baby Food
Baby food is probably as old as the first dead baby, but the first recorded account of babies as food is from Greek mythology. Legend has it that Thyestes became angry at his brother Atreus, cooking up Atreus' children and serving them to him in a stew. Atreus then became enraged and slew Thyestes, because there was not enough salt and Thyestes had boiled the meat rather than barbecuing it, which would have better preserved the flavor.
In modern times, Jonathan Swift was a famous 19th-century advocate of of baby food, and his recipe for baby stew is given below. He noted that “a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.”
It is widely believed that the Donner Party resorted to eating dead babies when their party became trapped by snow in the Sierra Nevada mountains. This, however, is not true. Rather, the party were passing the time in conversation when they discovered that one of their companion was a famed Parisian baby chef, and they felt they could not pass up an opportunity to have such a skilled chef cook up their infants.
[edit] White Wine or Red?
While it is widely agreed that red wine can accompany baby food, disagreement exists over whether or not white wine is appropropriate. Some argue that white wine is never appropriate. Others argue that in certain instances- for example, a fish and baby paella, or baby in white sauce- white wine is preferable. This is perhaps the most argued-about issue surrounding the cooking and eating of infants.
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[edit] Recipes
Jonathan Swift’s Hearty Irish Baby Stew
- One baby (two if a large group is being served)
- One onion
- 1 lb. carrots
- 3 lbs. potatos
- salt, pepper, flour
De-bone baby, remove excess fat. Cube baby, roll in flour. Fry up some onions in oil (baby fat or bacon fat may be used) then add baby meat. Brown baby. Add water, potatoes, carrots, add water until vegetables covered. Simmer one hour or until potatoes are tender. Salt and pepper to taste. Serves six.
Baby tacos
- One baby
- 2 limes
- Two packages corn tortillas
- 1 Cabbage
- Salsa
Skin and de-bone baby. Cut baby into strips, soak for 30 minutes in lime juice, grill. Heat tortillas. Place baby meat in tortillas. Garnish with shredded cabbage and salsa. Other ingredients such as cheese, tomatos, peppers may be added if desired.
Baby baby back ribs
- 1 baby
- salt, pepper, onion salt
- barbecue sauce
- charcoal briquettes, mesquite wood chips.
Remove baby’s back ribs. season ribs with salt, pepper, onion salt. Place ribs over grill of hot coal coals. Cook 30 minutes, rotate, brush with barbecue sauce, cook 10 minutes more. Serve and enjoy!
Baby Baby Food
- 1 baby
- 5 jars apple sauce
- 30 Baby food jars
- 1 food processor
Skin, clean, and de-bone baby. Place into food processor and hit “puree”. Be sure to leave on for a long time to grind up any pieces of bone or cartilage that may not have been removed. Mix baby puree with apple sauce. Put in jars and freeze anything you don’t plan on using in the next few days. Creates enough food for 30 jars of baby baby food.
Baby Meatloaf
- 1 baby (or 2 depending on how many guests you have. Preferably 1 per 4 people)
- 1-2 onions
- ketchup
- salt and pepper
- crackers
- blender
Remove baby's head and remove contents into the blender. Debone baby and stuff its meat and fat into the blender as well. Make sure you don't puree it. Make it thick enough to squeeze into a loaf (hence MEATLOAF). Once done blending the baby's brains, meat, and fat, dump contents into a mixing bowl with crunched up crackers, chopped up onions, and salt and pepper. Once this is done, form a loaf and put it into a baking pan, with ketchup on top. Let it cook for 30 minutes, and voila! You have a scrumptious baby meatloaf. Serve with milk.
[edit] Dead Baby Trivia
- Sugargliders are especially known to love dead baby brains.
- Mariah Carey mothers many children, then gives the dead ones to sugargliders to eat.
- The amount of dead babies it takes to paint a house is proportional to how much the baby bleeds when you hurl it at a wall.
- A baby with forks in its eyes can often be seen running into walls.
- Dead babies are a crucial ingredient in Soylent Green.
- What's worse than ten dead babies in a garbage can? One dead baby in ten garbage cans.
- What's worse than three dead babies in a garbage can? The one at the bottom eating its way out. What's worse than that? The one that comes back for seconds. Whats worse than that? Changing It's Diaper.
- What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferarri? I don't have a Ferarri in my garage.
- What's worse than a lawn full of dead babies? Mowing it.
- Whats the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon? One's fun to hit with a hammer... the other is a watermelon.
- Whats the difference between a dead baby and an onion? No one cries when they cut up a dead baby.
- Whats the best part about having sex with a baby? You're always getting deep throat.
- Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Corvette? I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
- How do you get 10 dead babies into a bucket? A blender. How do you get them out? Chips.
- How do you catch a dead baby falling off a cliff? With a pitchfork!!
- What's white and red and hangs down from a telephone wire? A dead baby after a trip through a garbage disposal.
- Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first? To see the expression on its face.
- Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.
- Whats worse than a baby stapled to a tree? A baby stapled to 10 trees.
[edit] See Also
 | Chicken Soup for the Eyes |
| Baby food | Beer nuggets | Boogers | Candy | Cheese sandwiches | Condoleezza Rice | Cornbread | Hammus | French bikinis | Fried Chicken | Fudge | Goa Tse | Hairy tacos | Krispy Kreme | Mushrooms | Mangos | Paint stripper | Penis | Pudding | Orange sherbet | Rocky Mountain Oysters | Turd burgers | Spam | Tablets | Taco Bell |
 |  •••••Your Guide To Cannibalism•••••
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Albert Fish • Alfred Packer • ALIVE! • Baby Eating • Baby farming • Baby food • Baby Meat • Baby recipes • Cannibal Corpse • Cannibalism • Cannibals • Celebrity Roast • Dinner Party • Fine Young Cannibals • Hannibal Lecter • HowTo Cook A Human • HowTo Cook Children • Human head • I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green • New Zealand • Recipes • Soylent Green • UnNews Cannibals Stopped • UnNews New TV Trend • UnNews Soylent Green Defamation • Why? Don't Be A Cannibal • Why? Eat People • Zombies • Zombie Types |
