Bacon-Men
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Bacon-Men were a race to rival no other. They were the first creatures to artificially enable photosynthesis on Earth. All human life was based on these organisms. Moses was the first thing on Earth and was in need of companions to do his bidding. His first creation Spawn happened to be too laid-back to conquer the planet. The bacon-men were perfect for the job!
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[edit] Creation
This begins on a distant continent called North America. The man responsible is Moses. No person could imagine why Moses would genetically splice bacon D.N.A. with that of catfish. But that is exactly the type of magic a real friend like Moses uses. The entire procedure took Moses approximately six days and seven weekends. With one final race to New York, he was successful at creating his prized telephone. This was used to call the Smurfs to find the catfish to be used in the mix with the bacon D.N.A. With the project complete he called his long time apprentice Spawn to determine if the bacon-men could fight well enough. They easily defeated Spawn at checkers. But, had their asses handed to them at a game of dice. This provided Moses with enough confidence to release the bacon-men in his rival town, the one so horrid no demon would even repeat its name; Washington B.C.
[edit] The Adventure Begins
In Washington, B.C. most of the bacon-men drowned in the Reflecting Pool, thinking they had to save a fried from drowning. In reality it was their own reflection. The fact was, Moses never taught them how to swim, only how to pick the pockets of the elderly. The surviving bacon-men decided to go to congress to change the name of the city to something a bit less demonic. The congress had no choice but to hear them out, for the bacon-men had already destroyed a plant in the lobby. The new name of the city became what it is today Taiwan. The press were surprised at how well the bacon-men handled themselves in court that they demanded an interview. The bacon-men were told to find themselves a good reliable leader. They chose John Travolta, for he had saved the president from a piece of gum on his shoe.
[edit] A Leader is Chosen
John Travolta was a very humble leader to the bacon-men. He often told them how much their feet smelled, and reminded them to wash behind their bacon-ears. Travolta made few changes to the lives of the bacon-men, other than inventing t-shirts. Never the less, he was assassinated by an undercover agent of the X-Men, Donatelllo. This outrage left the bacon-men to slaughter themselves to find the traitor. There were but eight bacon-men left and a large turtle-shaped man. He left on his own, due to a call to clean the toilet at the X-mansion.
[edit] Rough Times
The lives of the bacon-men seemed to take a turn for the worse after this. They created a tissue box out of purple socks found in the dumpster of a Hooter's restaurant. This sold poorely on the mass market. The next idea was to kill the old man from Happy Days, Frankenstein. This never worked because Frankenstein moved to Jupiter to be closer to his over-anxious aunt. Sadly, seven bacon-men committed suicide by swallowing gold deblooms off the coast of Arkansas. This left one extremely pissed bacon-man, the last of his kind.
[edit] The Last One
The last bacon-man traveled to find Moses to demand more soldiers for his plan to slay the dragon called Rosanne. Moses declined his offer and instead blasted him with a bar of electric-soap. With one last breath, the bacon-man fired a hidden rocket out of his chest and defeated Moses. The bacon-man was not truly dead, just had a problem breathing because he was a chronic smoker. He collected many weapons from the bunker that Moses once resided in, and left for the battle against Rosanne.
[edit] Final Battle
On his way there he decided to bathe in the blood of the dead cat that had been laying in a gutter for days. He had noticed it before and came this way just to bathe in the said blood. Disturbed by this, the leader of the village, the Grinch challenged him to a drink-off. The bacon-man accepted as was his duty. As the village leader began to drink, the bacon-man smashed a bottle over the leader's head and left for his mission. He finally reached the cave that the horrid creature was said to reside in. He took out a lemon and began to carve a shape into it, then he relieved himself on the lemon. Taking it with him for his battle with Rossane, he knew it was his secret weapon. Inside the cave lied the creature, as horrible as a sunny day in the depths of Hell. He charged the creature and was repelled by its force-field. The two made eye-contact and the rest is history.
[edit] Who Survived
Currently, that last bacon-man is known as Tom Arnold. The urine-stained carved lemon is known as the first engagement ring. The two live happily ever after. The only problem is that they are now divorced, and Rosanne is remarried to some sort of ancestor to Will Smith. Tom Arnold married the sister of Moses, calling herself Coolverine. They have several kids, but none of them are able to speak without offending a minority group.
[edit] Random Trivia
- The bacon-men were the first to wear t-shirts.
- Can't swim for shit, most of them died in a few feet of water.
- The bacon-men may be Batman's biggest threat.
- Tom Arnold is the only surviving bacon-man.
- Some folks have a little bit of bacon d.n.a. in them, but not many.
- A movie was recently made to chronicle the lives of the bacon-men called Encino Man.
- Humans were modeled after bacon-men.
- Stan Lee based the Avengers on the triumphs of the bacon-men.
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| All things BACON | |
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