Baldness
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“Baldness- It's not just for your grandpa anymore!”
~ Movie from health class on Baldness
In mathematics, baldness is the set of all points on a male human head which are bereft of male human hair. Also known as David Booth syndrome.
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[edit] Bald spot theorem
Advanced vector calculus proves that it is impossible to comb all hairs on a male human head in the same general direction, even with the application of copious quantities of superhold styling gel. As a result, there exists (at least) one point on every male human head of which the hair growing from out of all surrounding points spirals outwards. This particular point (technically termed a "bald spot" in advanced barberology[1]) lacks hair, because the sun shines there without mercy, like in a lifeless desert. Therefore, all men possess (at least) one bald spot, especially Socrates. 
[edit] Proof that all men are bald
As of April 2006, Homer Simpson possesses three (and only three) hairs on his head. Also, Homer is bald (by definition). Let 
. If a man 
has one hair more than a man 
that is bald, then is also bald[2]. Therefore, by induction through the infinitely many finite ordinals, all men with either the same amount of, or more hair than, Homer (
) are bald.
Unfortunately, this stunning and counterintuitive proof leaves a small number of cases left to consider, namely 
, 
, 
, and 
. Since all men with hair have a bald spot (see above), it follows that a man with no hair has no bald spot. As a result, since has no hair, he himself also lacks a bald spot. Thus, is not bald. By induction through the finite ordinals less than 3, both and are also not bald, in spite of the fact that their comb-overs are totally lame and we laugh derisively at them[3]. However, we dare not laugh at 's comb over, because is God Almighty Himself, the Infinitely Hairy One who wouldst smite us for acting so wickedly.
[edit] See also
[edit] Notes
- ↑ It is interesting to note that most men, when queried, will admit that when they go to see the barber they only need to get one hair cut.
- ↑ Sorites (1337 BCE), If I'm Bald, So Are You! :-P, p 173-77
- ↑ On the surface, this intermediate result would seem to disprove the original thesis, namely that all men are bald... Oh, look! A twenty dollar bill!
