Ballet

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ballet.

Ballet are a group of people who think Metallica sucks ass, and started a genocidal war against them in 1414 in a futile effort to stop Metallica from ever becoming famous. Ballet was invented in 1389 by Bill Clinton. Ballet continues in its various attempts to take over the world, and are now stockpiling weapons and training new recruits.

1 Defeat
2 The Attack on the Statue of Liberty
3 Ballet Today
4 Behaviours
5 Warning
6 Famous Ballet Dancers

[edit] Defeat

Early photo of Dave Mustaine at an anti-ballet rally.

In 1981, Metallica counterattacked, almost destroying the mighty ballet empire by enticing them to download mislabelled MP3s with Metallica music on it and secretly programmed to play really loud, which ballet dancers just didn't like at all. While the mutual genocide was prevented, ballet still existed, and continued to prepare to take over the world. To add insult to the injury of the unsuccessful conflict -- the struggle with the ballet dancers also widened the rift between lead guitarist Dave Mustaine and the rest of the members of the band. Mustaine felt that it was the others' general incompetence that contributed to their inability to completely defeat the tutu-and-tights-wearing enemy.

[edit] The Attack on the Statue of Liberty

In 1986 (which was one year after 1981), the Statue of Liberty was attacked by a ravaging gang of ballet dancers. According to one of the captured ballet dancers, they finally realized that nobody actually watches ballet these days, and decided to attack the Statue of Liberty instead, as a desperate means of existential protest. Once again, however, Metallica returned, and released their 1986 album Pastor of Muppets, which made the ballet dancers cry like little pansies when it was played very loudly.

[edit] Ballet Today

This is not ballet

Choreographer's diagram of a simple cross-country ballet

Ballet continues to exist, but has not launched any major offensives since the Statue of Liberty attack of 1986 -- an attempt that failed partially because it was discovered that no-one had actually manufactured a music box large enough to support, let alone rotate, Lady Liberty. The dancers continue to hold strange performances to raise money hoping to bribe Bavarian music box manufacturers into producing a music box large enough, but nobody goes to their performances because ballet is boring, and any sane person would prefer to risk extreme damage to their eardrums by going to see Metallica perform. Ballet dancers today are also heading into specialised reconnaisance groups which are given code names such as Modern Ballet, Jazz, and Tap. They are also making an effort to recruit members of younger generations. Current information suggests that this may be in preparation for another strike at a meaningless landmark in attempt to take over the world and stop Metallica from releasing another album.

[edit] Behaviours

Career change:Sumotori pursues lifelong dream in ballet despite success in current carreer..

Ballet dancers are known to stand on one foot and twirl around like a dope. No explanation is known for this odd behaviour. They also seem to have trouble with capitalisation and homophones, causing some scientists to believe the foot-twirling may actually stem from a highly mutated strain of the virus that caused an outbreak of St. Vitus's dance back in the 1400's. This theory tends to be supported by the growing dominance of "modern dance" -- which would be the only recourse of a ballet dancer in the later stages of such an illness. Another popular theory is that this is due to ballet dancers huffing kittens. Another interesting phenominon is that they are ALL gay. ALL of them. Not the girls. But the men. Even if they claim to be straight, they are wrong. God damn it.

[edit] Warning

Ballet is very dangerous to watch, and has caused people to die of boredom, actually overshadowing televised golf but still outdone by Ayn Rand books in yearly death statistics. Ballet should only be watched by trained professionals who have the knowledge and skill to deal with a ballet.