Banana
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URGENT: Just in..... It has now been found out after bazillions of years that the banana has been around, that the banana is not a fruit at all; it is in fact a very ferocious animal that disguises itself as an edible fruit!!! There have been several millions of cases of the fruit/animal to, after a considerable amount of time left in the fruit basket on your kitchen table or whatever, the banana grows hair and then unremorsibly kills every person in the household it is left in... Some stupid scientist people believe that the greenish fur it grows is mould cause by bacterial changes but it is not. The banana is an animal that demands to be eaten! As a result of not being eaten the banana undiguises itself and kills whoever it finds, and people not eating this so called fruit because of "mould" is the reason why... Deaths include Choking and slipping on its peel, which in turn for the banana it grows back again, just like a starfish's leg, causing more resources for the banana to kill with.. The people who have survived this attack from a banana have thrown out the "mouldy" fruit because of health and high tight jeans syndrome, reasons. So if a banana starts to become furry, step on it asap, as the banana is also a very weak organism due to its soft skin and no bone structure. But it is safe to eat the banana when it is still a fruit.
The banana, a fruit celebrated for its perpetually low price in grocery stores and quantity of "n"s in name, is a fruit in the So Long And Thanks for all the Fish family. Invented in 756 by an Arab desiring to sell something other than dates, the banana was originally bright blue and shaped like a small furry beach ball. Through centuries of selective breeding, the banana has since evolved into a yellow crescent fish. But one rule applies to all types of bananas: ferociousness. Bananas are considered to be among the world's most ferocious beings.
Bananas are the staple food of monkeys because they only eat bananas. (Bananas are poison to anyone who is not a monkey. Since humans are not poisoned by bananas, this is proof that evolution exists and we are monkeys.) However bananas also have a large variety of other uses, including stage props for people who slip and fall. But who leaves banana peels on the floor anyway? Monkeys do, but the peel wouldn't be slippery on a forest floor.
[edit] Bananas and Microsoft Windows
Charles weirdo recently forced Microsoft to admit "Our software is created by monkeys that enlarge penises" after tracking banana shipments to Windows headquarters. Melinda Gates said, "Nobody without an army of monkeys to feed has a use for that quantity of bananas."
Based on this, some have decided that bananas contain the potassium needed to produce successful operating systems of penis enlargers. However, to date no one has acquired enough bananas and monkeys to repeat Microsoft's experiment of penis enlarging monkeys. In the latest attempt, Ubuntu was chased away by several ferocious bright blue beach balls. Instead, they import potassium from Kazakhstan, a glorious nation in Central Asia.
[edit] Entomology
According to the "dictionary" the word "banana" comes from an Arab word meaning "fuzzy balls". This is because both bananas and fingers can be used as sex organs without risk of AIDS. However, there is risk of diarrhea and the herps involved.
[edit] Banangerines
Banangerines, much like ballsacks, are a tropical fruit, invented by The Pope in a last ditch effort to turn the tide in his Holy war against Spongebob. They are a combination of bananas and tangerines, and can prove to be quite fatal to sponges. Especially ones named Bob. Anywho, they were produced in mass quantities all over Australia and implanted onto large submarines which were then used to ram large undersea pineapples. These proved quite useful, but being as no one cared about Australia, they eventually overpopulated the continent and became too heavy for the Earth, which began to spin out of control and crash into the sun, scorching everything, and killing everyone. Except Spongebob. Because he is, as we all know, impossible to kill. Believe me, I sure as fuck have tried. sporjk.
[edit] May the Banana be with us
Bananas also hold a secret power that can only be harnessed by a minority of beings described as banana-sensitive. These have been defined as either having a high count of parasites called midi-chlorians; the more midi-chlorians, the greater the person's Banana ability; or having a strong Banana "aura" (which is more often than not, yellow). Banana-sensitives are able to utter a 43 million word enchantment in under 1.812 seconds, thus tapping into the Banana to perform acts of great skill and agility.
[edit] What are Bananas good for?
Nothing really, unless you can fire them at people with one tight squeeze, put the peels down on the floor when you play tag, if you eat them... you are considered queer, and if you are in a house with a fat guy, you can drench them in butter and call it "shit". But don't underestimate the power of the banana, back a long time ago (6/6/6), The banana fought of the devil, bringing him to his demise. But since then, he has been planing to destroy all bananas that ever existed(Don't be scared, he will just put them in a pit of doom and ignite them in hell fire and let them burn till they are a pile of dust). After the Devil was defeated, we worshiped the banana for many, many years (6/6/7). Then when we got tired of them, we gave the rights to the all powerful race... the monkeys.
[edit] Assassinations
banana
Bananas are the most popular poison for assassinations, though it has not worked against George W. Bush. After all, George W. Bush is a monkey. The little bit at the bottom of each banana is the most poisonous.
[edit] Banana's Ethymology and His Evil Twin Brother and Arch-enemy "Bananana"
Banana is the common name for herbaceous plants of the genus Musa, and is also the name given to the fruit of these plants which is what people mostly confuse with the actual plant.It brings up the very question that how bananas are manufactured. Experts say the 47.8% of the bananas is goood for you. However, the rest is what many calll the evil and dark side of the banana. Throughout decades, many civilizations have expressed their own uniqie way of naming the evil banana. The African villagers referred to it as " Australopithecus afarensis". The villagers who did not obtain that wide range of vocabulary simply referred it to as "Bananana" which Europe knows the evil entity by. Banananas are native to the tropical region of Southeast Asia, the Malay Archipelago, and Australia. Today, they are cultivated throughout the Tropics. Also, there have been rumoour circulating about whether the White House contains any banananas in its staff whether they are politicians or bodyguards. The rumours even went far enough to suggest the supreme emperor of goodness and kindness, the conqueror of the axis of evil, the destroyer of the monstrous, filthy knit-wits that don't write to their mothers aka terorists and the one-that-is-compassionate George W. Bush (W stands for "Wery, wery nice man") The evil supporters of the left had dared enough to even suggest this obscure, ambigious and verbose piece of "theory" (more like "conspiracy"). The last time, a Bananana had been seen was in the Second World War, inhabitted inside the moustache of Adolf Hitler which many scientists believe the Bananana had complete control over him. Other scientists believe the gang of banananas had even infiltrated the brains of the whole German population. The German scientists beliee the Nazis weren't even Germans after promising they will never be bad again.
[edit] Banana in Harry Potter
As many readers have noticed, Banana plays a significant role in Harry succeeding in destroying Voldemort. For starters, the banana contributed to the segual in monetary terms. This of course opened the path for more money from newts that see the movie instead of reading the books. Also he plays in the many scenes of the movie, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and the Banana" ,which is the sixth movie. In the following scenes you may spot Banana:
- Harry moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Hermione moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Dumbledore moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Hagrid moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Snape moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Luke Skywalker moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Bill Gatesmoves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Saptini Kotamula moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Mohatma Gandhi moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Kolaru Habzi Kom-kom moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- AAAAARGH I AM SICK OF THIS! moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Johm Wayne moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Hakan Sukur moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- John Cleese aka John Cheese moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Pikachu moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Jabba the Hutt moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Haba-i Mohahaha moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Jame Potter moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- you moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Jonathan Ross moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Barry White moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Drew Barrymore moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Chuck Norris moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Isaac moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until the Banana screams "BANANA!!"
- Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Mushroom Mushroom Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Mushroom Mushroom Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Mushroom Mushroom Argh Snake Snake Snake Ooh It's A Snake
- The Banana moves along to the Deat Eathers in the Ministry of Magic until one of them screams "AVADA KADAVRA!!" which made an end to this.
[edit] Other uses of Bananas
- A banana makes a great decoration next to your testes.
- The yellow objects makes a great penis
- Under very rare circumstances, it is possible to eat one.
- In case of panic, a banana serves well as a boomerang.
- At low prices, bananas will attract monkeys to your grocery store. Trust us, this IS a good thing.
- Bananas are popular in poor countries, where they are used as weapons. A banana can fire 6 bombs per minute; this ferociousness makes it superior to the IED in combat.
- Bananas are highly explosive. In case of a Super-Banana attack it will shred into five none-the-less explosive bananas.
- The only natural enemy of a banana is the Creationist.
- Combine it with peanut butter, like Dick Cheney does
- Zombies often shove bananas up people's rectal cavities for unknown reasons. This is often preceded with cries of "RAM BANANA!"
- Bananas are often used as Police Training Weapons in Southern California
- Bananas are used by the most un-leaked CIA agents to encode secret messages, this process is sometimes called "Banana Coding". When one of these agents gives another agent an Encoded Banana, he will almost always tell him to stick it up Scooter Libby's anus.
- Bananas are popularly used in science for testing pH levels of liquids, the banana will scream if too acidic
- Bananas when snorted become more addictive than crystal meth hence the nickname yellow meth-- of course you could always pee on your meth(urine is quite addictive!)
- Make good boob extensions (see Madonna)
- Make good dick extensions (see Madonna)
- bananas make awesome false noses--yeah pinocchio!
- Many countries across the world ban the carrying of concealed bananas in public. This is due to their infamous history as the assassination weapon of many political and famous figures. For those who do not know, bananas are capable of firing around 2 shots a minute with impeccable accuracy.
Bananas have had their place in history, saving lives by killing famine. YOU CAN WEAR ONE AS A HAT! ^_^ and stick it up your ASS like George Bush I LIKE BANANA'S AND PIE HAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THIS COOL FACE >.< ^.^ -.- HEHAHEHAHEHAHwe
[edit] Banana peels
Banana peels are highly prized among African shaman which they stockpile for ceremonies. These ceremonies require vast preparations, first they take lion kittens that are ripe for the huffing and put them into a large pile of banana peels that they cure for 2 weeks in the hot sun whilst watering it with nectar. When the lion kitten climbs out it is huffed by a group of no less then 3, but no more than 8 shaman. The pile is then squeezed to reclaim the nectar rich in bananadine. The bananadine-rich nectar is then consumed by the shaman through the nostrils, and they enter a 2 day trance.
[edit] In Fiction
In The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens, the heroine Condi Rice dies of a massive overdose of bananas. In the published novel she ate all 268 of them, but in the magazine installments that represented Dickens's original intention about forty of them were probably (he was unusually coy about the anatomical details) wedged up other parts of her body. "Stop eating bananas, they are poison!" "What? Speak louder! I have a banana in my ear!"
Captain Shakespeare's Broadway smash hit play Krapp's Last Tape has no action except the peeling of a wizened green banana. Characters come on stage and point at the parts of the peel where they think it would be advantageous to tug, and are mysteriously smothered. A clown dressed as Julius Caesar spends the whole play working up the courage to tell someone, anyone, not to try the little bit at the bottom, but is hit by a bright blue beach ball in a sock before he can untape his mouth.Image:Bananarattler.jpg
The projected 2006 remake of Lost Horizon, starring Grace Jones as Ronald Coleman and the massed bands of al-Qaeda as some Buddhist monks/Mormon Jesus-freaks, is said by industry observers who were sober enough to talk to Uncyclopedia to contain sexually explicit scenes of three bananas forming a sort of ring and peeling each other: a scene not witnessed since the 1938 Anne of Green Gables in which Anne (Cleopatra) pleasured herself with the fruit bowl of a young and unrecognized Hillary Clinton.
[edit] Banana Famines
Australia: During 2006, the year of fourth coming of Black Jesus (a.k.a Bizzle Jizzle) a light shower sometimes referred to as tropical cyclone tickled the coast of Palestine. On the Equator, March winds tore up the sacred banana groves of the Oompa-Loompas and left no cover for the fragile and sensitive Oompa-Loompas. The harsh Australian sun then quickly turned them orange like the rest of the country. The result was the price rose to over $20, just for the red rubber tip on the end of a banana called an eraser! During this tumultuous period an actual banana would cost more than the average yearly salary of the inner city Melbourne cab driver (where it was later found that Osama Bin Laden and 24 of his 47 cousins were working as cabbies). Mass hysteria broke out when the first cases of banana withdrawal appeared. At first the patient would get 'the banana shakes' and then the banana oblongata part of the brain would shut down and the patient would degenerate to a state nicknamed 'monkey business', the patient would stand on their desks and throw excrement and masturbate at passers by! The situation was only relieved when my girlfriend discovered the massive banana in my pants and happened to mention it to the authorities.
[edit] Of Fluffles and the War of the Foods
Unbeknownst to many of us, there has been, since the beginning of time, a war of the foods. Although there are small battles and disputes between various types of food products, it is known that the most major part of this war is an ongoing struggle between the bananas and the cheese. The war started over a chocolate cake, which, although it was intended to be giving to King Biffleton the Potato Lord, was stolen by banana ninjas. It was later found that these bananas were hired and trained by one of the greatest known terrorists in the galaxy (at the time), Fluffles the Evil Pickle. As his name implies, Fluffles is, with no surprise, an evil pickle. When this was found out by King Biffleton, he was outraged. At first he sent an army of Baloola Burgers in search of Fluffles, but they came back two days later saying they had gotten lost in a space storm of giant popcorn and were unable to continue. Biffleton knew, then, that he had no choice but to bring out his elite warriors: the cheese. The conflict soon became a massive war, with frequent clashes between the cheese and the bananas. In the meanwhile Fluffles has refused to show himself, and it speculated that he is hiding somewhere in the desert realms of Fiffnox, land of the beef fish and lollipop horses. In recent days the bananas have converted various fruits and vegetables to their side, most namely the tomatoes and the mushrooms. Though the great General Farlo has attempted to call upon the help of the oregano and various soups and curries, they refuse to accept. In the meantime Fluffles seems as though to be formulating a plan of great magnitude, which may be the end of the war for the cheese. General Farlo continues to make a good fight, but he knows that sooner or later the cheese will be defeated if they cannot recruit the help of other foods.
[edit] The Black Bits
After a while, when a Banana is left in stasis, black blotches will appear on the outer skin. This is when the evil KJARXOR vomits its droppings onto the banana skin. The Vomit will seep through pores in the banana skin, and then reach the banana's inside, where it will cover the banana in similar black blotches.
it is rumoured these black blotches have a smiliar taste to Richard Nixon
[edit] Bananas as Weapons
Due to the banana's unique abilites, such as being slippery, being yellow and being able to be thrown like a boomarang, it has been chosen by Cuba as the weapon of choice. The weapon was originally developed by the Franco-Prussians in the 1200's as a way to defend themselves from raccoons that would attacks civilians at anytime (although it was usually 6:00-6:12 P.M.). They found it was most effective in ridding the town of the nasty beasts, but with the lack of raccons, the capital city of Ellensburg became overpopulated with crayfish. Due to this infestation, Orson Welles gained 400 pounds. It has been proven that its range is far more accurate than your eyes staring up a skirt of a girl. But be warned, most women do not appreciate the banana except when used on the field of battle. Bananas were used in the beginning of the Ninja-Pirate conflicts and also used in the war in Iraq by the Republican Guard. Do note, bananas are not effective when used with toasters.
If you ever come across a man with a banana, shoot him and then eat the banana. You have successfully disarmed the man before he could kill you.
[edit] Bananas in American Culture
A popular childrens rhyme in elementary school:
I'm a Chquita Banana and I'm here to say, Get rid of your teacher the easy way. You have a Banana Peel you put it on the floor. Then watch your teacher go flying out the door.
A song for the mentally challenged:Bananaphone Chiquita Bananas!
A popular film song for banana lovers:
YES! WE HAVE NO BANANAS, WE HAVE NO BANANAS TODAY! WE'VE GOT ...
(the writer has forgotten the rest of the song, so please refer back to the film somewhat known as SABRINA and listen. Also, you may want to pay homage to the person who has thoughtfully included the beginning of the song on this prestigious world wide website by walking backwords whilst singing the song and then bowing to the writer's much appraised tomb - the writer jumped up of Ben Nevis - in the Calcutta International Airport Cemetary. Thank you.)
Also, I feel stupid when i write the word banana, cause i'm like bana, keep going, bananana... DAMN!
Also, i feel stupid when i write the word 'bosom'. Who the frak invented that anyways?
[edit] Dont Touch my Banana
Please dont touch,suck,or even stick it into your va****(ask your mom what is this)Banana also could be hotdog
[edit] Linguistic Use
Bananas cannot be studied for biology or used in any language. you see a banana isn't actuallually a fruit. Neither is it a flesh eating monster as represented above. It is in-fact a naturally occurring euphamism.
