Banana bread

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“I ate some banana bread once, never again, I woke up in Nebraska.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Banana bread

“Wait, good luck for what? WHAT!?”

~ Jesus on this page

Contents 1 Brief Description 2 How was it made 3 Side Effects 4 Cure 5 Recipe

[edit] Brief Description

Banana bread is the only substance known to man to have been created by the devil during his brief stay in Pillsbury as part of ye olde channel four Relocation, Relocation, Relocation with Kirsty Allsop.

Banana bread resembles normal bread just with a slight hint of yellow, despite it being in human nature to avoid anything that looks normal with a slight hint of yellow, it seems banana bread has slipped under our natural defenses and into mainstream society.

[edit] How was it made

There are four theories currently circulating the box offices up and down Hollywood as it how banana bread was made.

1. There was a parchment found in Pillsbury castle under an oven mitt, and signed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy, admitting the creation of banana bread. Dave, a well known Satanist and daily mirror reader, confessed that on his holidays he contracting a rare disease called banana related arthritis or BRA for short, and upon his return to England proceeded to work in the meat cleaver and bread factory, one day while sharpening a meat cleaver his finger was sliced off and fell into the bread mixer, not wanting to loose his job he told no one. Under the warm conditions of the bread mixture, the BRA infected finger began to change the structure of the bread into what we now call banana bread.

2. In Banana Bread's Autobiography, The Banana Bread Files he writes this on his origins. "One day Satan and Hitler were playing house, Hitler was the momma banana and Satan was the papa bread, after a nice tea and having put baby scotch egg to bed they proceeded to have some special time alone, papa bread put on some Barry White, momma banana put on her slinkiest nightly and after a night of hot passionate baked goods sex, banana bread was conceived, after 9 months at gas mark 4, turning occasionally for a overall glaze out came little banana bread."

3. In a latter version Banana Bread's Autobiography, Banana Bread: Then, Now and in Five Minutes, he wrote a tale that went like this. "One sunny afternoon little red riding hood was on her way to see her grandma with a nice fresh loaf of Kingsmill white (the kind with invisible crusts) just the way grandma liked it.

Now little did red riding hood know but out in the woods was the big bad werewolf laying in wait with his pickaxe and level three elven amour. As little red riding hood passed by he jumped out and ate little red riding hood up.

Still hungry he looked through the bag and found the invisible crust bread. Confused by its lack of nutritious outer layer and cautious of its evil he only nibbled the edge, now the bread without it protective outer layer of crust quickly became infected with the werewolf gene and mutated into the substance now known as banana bread.

Little is known as to why a were-bread tastes like banana, or even why it is yellow, this is why this theory holds little ground in the upper class box offices."

4. In an even latter version Banana Bread's Autobiography, Banana Bread: Drugs, Money and a Whole-Wheat Lot of Sex, he wrote this, promising that it was actually the truth this time. "During a routine stick-up in a corner shop just out-side of New York City a sadistic, chain-smoking banana met a sociopath bread slice. The odd couple immediately hit it off and within weeks became very intimate, indulging in whatever a slice of bread and a banana can indulge in. However the relationship hit hardship when the bread sliced revealed that it was pregnant. Unfortunately the banana had just been fired from its job as a waiter in a jungle themed restaurant and didn’t take the news very well. After a long row the slice of toast threw a nearby television at the banana, killing it instantly. The bread slice then ran to Mexico, to have the now fatherless child, but was stopped at the U.S/Mexico border for being a slice of bread. The bread then spent the rest of its pregnancy and a prison hospital where it gave birth to the horrific banana bread. A few weeks after the birth the slice of bread committed suicide and the banana bread was sent off to a near by orphanage."

[edit] Side Effects

There are several recorded side effects of consuming Banana Bread. The most famous of which is crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis, better known as "WHAT THE F**K IS THAT THING IN YOUR HEAD".

After eating the banana bread the original symptoms to look for is losing the ability to look right and left, this is caused by the bread forming blinders on the side of your skull. Soon after you will feel a horrible, bloodcurdling pain on the crown of your head, but if you are sidetracked with eating more banana bread the chances are you won't notice. For the next few Weeks you may get some strange looks in the street, as you will now have a full size banana disappearing inside your brain. This explains the origin of the well-known phrase "top banana". The minute you hit week 10 you will technically die, but the banana in your head will continue to control your actions and movements, in an attempt to take over the world by promoting more banana bread.

Below you will find a list of known people with this condition, but here are a few steps you can take to avoid contracting crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis:

Step 1: Do not eat Banana Bread

Step 2: Do not become side tracked by eating more Banana Bread

Step 3: Upon noticing the first symptom, have a friend or relative eat the Banana and/or Bread

People with crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis:

• The Queen
• Chuck Norris
• St. Peter
• Vampire Queen
• Dec from Ant & Dec
• Judi Dench
• The Ultra Pope
• James Blunt
• Batman (but not Bruce Wayne)
• The whole cast of the OC
• Take That
• Wolfie
• Zeus
• The Gold, Red and Beige Power Rangers

[edit] Cure

Although there is no cure, through the ages many alternative medicines have been thought up, thou few actually work or even help with the pain.

The most effective one only works if you catch the banana while it is still green and that is to smother it in apple custard, a rare mixture only found in a few wells in Tracy Island.

Other varieties of custard can work in very mild cases, thou its suspected that it wasn’t crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis they had just a wart.

During the French revolution when they didn’t fully understand crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis they didn’t seek to cure it just stop it spreading, so the guillotine was invented.

Other than that crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis is right up there with ADHD and the flu of worst things to have while trying to get on Big Brother.

1 in 10000000234.3 people are immune to crocinuscrustumforamenmensitis but are still affected by the addictive effects of banana bread. Which is why in 1789 Ruy Serpa and Ray Mears invented banana flatbread. Its banana bread with half the density and easily made in any shallow pan or rock-on-a-fire.

They discovered this miracle weaning food while out visiting Dante in the harsh wilderness. Ray, a self-confessed banana bread addict, had a sudden craving but realized Dante had eaten his supply of raising agents and he was doomed with only half the ingredients.

This was when Oscar Wilde came past eating a flat bread. As quickly as Ray had broken down and attempted suicide at the thought of no banana bread he was quickly making an oven, frying pan and olive oil out of a shoelace and two sticks of gum. He proceeded to make banana flatbread and a four-course meal for Ruy.

[edit] Recipe

A lot of people think that

But in fact

The real recipe for Banana Bread is much more intriguing.

The original recipe was printed first printed in the witchcraft edition of "Delia Cooks" but due to certain copyright loopholes, you can now find the very same recipe here:

Banana Bread (1.9 calories)

You will need:

• Banana
• Standard bread ingredients (see page 3.2 billion)
• Essence of the Fire Lord
• Eye of Newt
• Toe of Frog
• Sugar
• Yogurt
• Monkey Semen

1. Enchant your Mashing implement with the Essence of the Fire lord, and mash the banana using a satanic motion.
2. Add the Mashed Banana into the ready mixed bread ingredients and mix until it combusts, balance the eye, face up, on the top of the mixture and pope it until it starts to cry.
3. Once the mixture is coated with tears let the mixture soak in your yoghurt until your first born son gets chicken pox.
4. Remove the mixture and wipe off remaining yoghurt, add sugar to taste and pour into a ready greased, oven proof tin.
5. Bake in the deepest part of the deepest lake of the deepest level of hell at Gas mark 4, for 1 decade.
6. Serve buttered with Tea