Bangalore
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“Yella Wokay. Tension Yaake? UB Export. IB Import”
~ Uppi a.k.a Upendra a.k.a O Wilde after finishing a 6 pack of Kingfisher
 
| |
| Motto: "Come on! Make my call!" | |
| State | Karnataka |
| Official nickname | Info Sissy |
| Official languages | kannada |
| Mayor | N. R. Narayana Murthy |
| Opening hours | 7-Eleven (closed for statutory system failures) |
Bangalore was created by the British when they first came to India in the 1800s. Its name is Greek for land of the booty call. It has been one of the biggest mistakes ever. The local women were(and still are) pure and had a deep affinity towards protecting themselves from the white skin, a condition known as albinism, and unlike women in the Old Blighty, posed no threat to the white man, as far as any possible contraction of syphilis.
The British East India Company coined the word "Bangalore" from "Bang" + "galore", a reference to make up for the non-promiscuity of the local women. Many geeks moved there because they wanted to get laid. It is also said they the British Troops imported whores from Britain and used to bang them here. Bangalore= Bang-a-whore. Okay, this sentence may offend many resident indian readers so it should also be said that the country had enough supply of abc within the country itself.
This is predominantly a female-centric view. However an alternate male-centric view exists which came into being after the name change. Bangalore=Benga-lodu. Lodu means dickhead!!
A strategic approach to lure the lusty fellow Englishmen into a false paradise. Not to be confused with Mangalore which was used to entice those with a deviant sexual orientation The city of Bangalore is sometimes also credited as the owner the Caps Lock.
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[edit] History
for all those poor sods who have never seen the city
But Bangalore's history goes further back than this. About 500 years ago, Bangalore was the very place where an old woman opened a can of baked-beans (literally "bengalooru") for some guy on a horse. The guy was so filled with gratitude that he verily chose Bangalore for his holidays in the years to come and warmly recommended it to all his friends who fantasize all day about paradise.
In the early 1800s, Bangalore was captured by Tipu Sultan, heir to the throne of Mysore and warden of the royal latrine. Tipu Sultan fought the British in three decisive battles, under the moniker Cher of Mysore, which confused the British, since Cher had never been to Mysore before. Tipu Sultan continued to expand his kingdom into the Madras Presidency, but was met with resistance by the Maharaja of Travancore. This led to the invasion of privacy.
Tipu Sultan was ultimately defeated and killed by the British during the Battle of the Tiffin Rooms to the backdrop of a soleful rendition of "Do you Believe in life after love".
1995 September Bangalore has won Most true country of the world competition.
[edit] Geography
The geography of Bangalore is surprisingly flat (see map above). Even more surprisingly, this flatness of Bangalore is highly contagious and now classified a world epidemic. Flat Bangalore has been flattening it's neighborhood in all directions since 1991 when the fat sumo wrestler of India, Info Singh, decided to squat in Bangalore: Bangalore immediately flattened under his weight and the impact generated ripples of flatness that have been increasing in wavelength and frequency ever since. Swami Tomas L. Freeman, in 2005, made the startling discovery that Bangalore had made about the entire world flat. His arch rival, Swami B. R. B. Gali Leo, who still claimed that earth was round, went into hiding after this pronouncement. The best feature about this flat and open architecture of the world, Swamy Fourman (nee Freeman - name changed after he received President's Medal for Bravery in 2005)
[edit] Economy
The offshoring and outsourcing of work from Bangalore to the Third world, primarily the United States has caused some friction between the Indian government and the guy who heads up the main cattle ranch in America. However, the influx of foreign work to the United States has helped alleviate poverty and helped bring a certain level of stability to that country, notwithstanding the United States' repeated and constant nuclear tussles with neighbor and arch rival Canada. Prostitution is no longer a big employer because they have so many jobs.
The foreign money and culture has however pissed off a bumbling farmer. His pride in bangalore's rich history has caused his government to re-rename the city to its kanadian variant. bengaluru or bengalooroo. the farmer's friends are waging battle in a mud pit, and as soon as a victor emerges, the final name will be picked from the two. The government, and rightly so, has decided to spend foreign-origin taxpayer money to reprint stationary, street names and signs. There were sacrilegious calls for using the money to build roads and improve infrastructure, but bengaloorue-ians love their Trafficking, and wouldn't have stood for any of it.
Off-late however the economy of Bangalore has slumped to a disgraceful loss mainly due to the unbearable traffic on hosur road (which is celebrated as a major event everyday by the majority of Bangaloreans, and is known as Trafficking). An anonymous 2005 estimate claims that most software professionals spend over 66% of their life on hosur road. As an advantage, this has lead to a sharp decline in population growth, due to fact that most software guys now don't spend more than a couple of hours a week at home. However, on the flip side, this has lead to a sharp increase in the number of illegitimate relationships between the wives of software professionals and jobless non-IT guys.
Many Bangaloreans are also involved in the vocation of Cowabunga, where trained professionals methodically taunt cows by speaking to them in French. Obviously, this is a highly lucrative field, and has made many practitioners multi-millionaires overnight.
[edit] The People
For entertainment, the people of Bangalore enjoy recreational telephoning. People worldwide enjoy calling Bangalore citizens in hopes of hearing the latest comedy routine about modern-day life. These reverse prank calls are a staple of Bangalore life. Entertainment options in Bangalore have also increased since it became home to the MLB Bangalore Outsource in 1998.
The Auto-rickshaw drivers are the descendents of the Maharaja kutti kamini and will charge anything at anytime on any day.They are also known to chant the royal kannada mantra "yadavadawakamaka".
Bangaloreans are generally unambitious people. Most of them probably don't even know how ambition is spelled (even in their native language). This city of sheep breeds more sheep and they become slaves to multinational corporations who pay them a pittance.
[edit] Culture
[edit] The Street Doggie Menace
Mr. Anothermoorthy of the Gowda The Horrible fame has come up with a new comic strip called Bangalore Street Doggie the Menace. Although, it is meant to be humorous, it isn't. The comic strip has landed up with controversies as it is claimed to be unsuitable for audience above 18 years of age. The Bangalore Feminist Agenda Task force has demanded to immediately stop publishing these strips on Phony Herald as it makes jokes on Feminists. They also claim that the word mankind should be changed to britneykind to accommodate everyone. The already infamous Anothermoorthy is being accused for the proposed name change of the city from Bangalore to Bennemasaladosapalya.
[edit] Trivia
- The original meaning of Bangalore is derived a family of spiced meats originating from the regions along the Mexico/Israeli border. Generally served either on a stick or a simple bed of lettuce with a side of hot buttered groat clusters.
- It is believed that 95% of Bangalore's population talks C. The remaining 5% uses Wikipedia.
[edit] Where does your money go in Bangalore?
40% goes towards taxes deducted at source and taxes snatched from you at gunpoint by the revenue department.
50% goes towards paying rent for a house and the interest on the house's security deposit.
20% goes towards fuel expenses for participating in the "trafficking event" every day.
10% goes towards food you never eat properly.
After some point in 2006/07 10% will be spent on renaming the city to Bengalooroo, and on a campaign to promote the health benefits of eating baked beans for breakfast
If you are unlucky, your landlord will extract the remaining 20% from you for house repairs.
If your total appears to exceed 100%, you might already be in debt or on the verge of bankruptcy. This might be the right time to contemplate suicide.
Famous People Nritiya (Juggly)
[edit] External Links
- National Anthem of Bangalore (in technicolor)
- Proposed National Anthem (after name change)
- Rebel National Anthem (kannad version)
| Indian cities |
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| Bangalore • Bombay • Calcutta • Chandigarh • Delhi |
