Bangladesh

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Chamakprodo Bangladesh!
Amar Maas kothay gelo?
Bangladesh


(Flag)	(Coat of Arms)

Motto: "At least we're not Somalia"

Anthem: Amar Banglar Shona Koi? ("Who stole my gold?")

Capital

Any bit of land not submerged

Largest city

Any cluster of three or more buildings not submerged

Official languages

Bangla, English, 'Binglish', Hindi film song lyrics

Government

Anarchic mess

National Hero(es)

Will Smith and Mel Gibson

Declaration
of Independence

It's complicated...

Currency

Children

Religion

Capitalism disguised as luke warm Islam

Population

Oh God knows.....millions and millions...

Area

55,000 square miles pre monsoon. 5 square miles post monsoon

Bangladesh is a country with a lot of people and a lot of problems. Scientists believe these two facts could be related. Nestled almost completely within the 'friendly' grip of Big Brother India, Bangladesh is now home to more people than the population of Russia. This is quite something given that large chunks of this population are regularly eliminated by the country's most successful home-grown product - natural disasters. Cyclones, floods, famines, tornadoes, occasional earthquakes.....Bangladesh has them all. It's even started up a nice sideline in mass arsenic poisoning thanks to contaminated ground water. Bangladeshis generally describe themselves as a peace-loving, poetic, lyrical lot. They are until you annoy them. Then they'll throw acid in your face (if you're a woman) or beat you to death with heavy wooden staves (if you're a guy). But they'll do it all with a peaceful, saintly smile on their face.

[edit] History

In the beginning Bangladeshis lived in a piece of territory called Alaska. They left this region thousands of years ago because it was "just too bloody cold" and crammed into a rowing boat which sank after one too many people boarded it. Nevertheless, the plucky Bangladeshis continued by swimming across the Pacific Ocean. Amazingly no one drowned although the better half of them ended up in southern India and were eaten by the Goddess Kali. A few million or so reached what we now call Bangladesh and gave thanks to God for their salvation. At which point God decided they'd had enough good luck and decreed that Bangladesh would forever be a cyclone wracked, flood plagued, poverty stricken hell hole.

(Ever since their Pacific Ocean experience Bangladeshis have had a mortal fear of swimming so they avoid doing it at every opportunity and are now badly out of practice. This means that whenever the floods come or their river boats capsize, they drown in unimaginably vast numbers.)

The next few hundred years were pretty average with various Buddhist, Hindu and Muslim dynasties coming and going. The peasants who worked the land got screwed over as usual and the landowning class ('Zamindars') got increasingly obese and ugly looking. When the English arrived the Bengalis thought 'Ah, what the hell, they can't be much worse', and languidly waved them on in.

Bangladesh was once part of the united Indian province of Bengal. Then it became East Bengal thanks to a pucker English chap called Curzon. Then it became part of greater Bengal again. Then it left India entirely and became East Pakistan. Then it became Bangladesh. It is currently lobbying to become the 51st state of North America. As a result of all this, Bangladeshis are a genial but mildly confused people.

[edit] Events of the Great Liberation War, March to December 1971

[edit] The Pakistani crackdown

In 1971 the Pakistani army took a break from jumping up and down about Kashmir and decided to wage war on those pesky Bengalis instead. However, the attack was aborted early after the general in charge, Mohammed Khan Hussain Abdullah, decided any serious combat might ruin his rather cool hair do. He was also feeling insecure due to his belief that his name 'just wasn't Muslim-sounding enough'.

[edit] The Pakistanis try again

Furious about the previous humiliation the Pakistanis decided to give it another go, this time assaulting a small settlement near Dhaka called North East South West town. But due to its peculiar name the Pakistanis were confused, got lost and ended up back in Lahore.

[edit] This time we CAN DO IT!

After finally getting their act together, the Paks attacked Dhaka, Chittagong and loads of other places I can't bother to remember the names of. Unfortunately the ranks of the invading forces were badly depleted by the numbers of soliders saying 'sod it' and deserting to emigrate to Bradford, England. There they remain to this day and spend their time being irritated by the thousands of Sylheti Bangladeshis who followed them all the way to England just to annoy them.

Meanwhile, India invaded and defeated the Pakistanis, helped by the Bangladeshi guerrilla forces known as the Mukhti Bahini. The Mukhti were splendid chaps, though somewhat hampered by their insistence on fighting in traditional Bangladeshi clothing (ragged white vest, lungi and flat soled sandles). The white vests made them excellent targets for Pakistani snipers and the lungis and sandles made it impossible to actually run quickly. Which turned out to be a bit of a handicap in the middle of pitched battles.

They were led by a charming fellow called General Osmani ('General' was actually his first name, which was useful for his military career) who had no combat experience or tactical knowledge. He did however possess a superb moustache, and that was more than good enough. The Pakistanis, meanwhile, were led by General Tiger Niazi, who was called this because he literally WAS a tiger. He remained in a cage in central Dhaka throughout the conflict and would maul and/or eat any of his officers who approached him to ask for instructions. Which was probably why Pakistan lost.

[edit] Legacy of the Liberation War

There are some commemorative memorials to the war in Dhaka, along with a couple of Pakistani tanks. One of these is at the entrance to the army cantoment, the other on the road leading to the airport. Bangladeshis innocently believe these tanks are memorials too. How wrong they are. They are actually still occupied by their now somewhat elderly Pakistani tank crews. These guys were so hardcore they refused to surrender in 1971 and have vowed to hold out till Judgement Day. Sneak up to one of the tanks, put your ear close to the armour, and you'll hear the faint sound of Punjabi cursing as these Pak diehards engage in yet another claustrophobia-induced quarrel.

[edit] Geography

Bangladesh is surrounded on two sides by the evil nation of India, and the even more evil Myanmar. It is right above the most cyclone and pirate-infested bay of all, the Bay of Bengal, second only to the positively satanic Michael Bay. Bangladesh is filled with toxic waste dumps known as 'cities' and textile factories known as 'children's day care centres'. But it proudly preserves the longest continuous beach in the world named Cox's Bazaar, which includes a large museum called Bizarre Cocks. Bangladesh is also home to the largest mangrove forest in the world. Its people are very proud of this last fact, even though they avoid the forest like the plague because it is muddy and teeming with malaria-carrying mosquitoes, snakes, spiders and Bengal Tigers who hate humans, (and have very good reason to do so).

Like New Orleans, Bangladesh is....oh, let me see....about 50 billion miles below sea level. Unlike New Orleans's population, during Bangladesh's floods its inhabitants can't just wait for the US army to show up and rescue them all.

[edit] International relations

Bangladesh is diverse

Bangladesh has a strained relationship with India, though the inadvisedly named "FUCKYOUALL" train has begun running again from the capital, Dhaka, to the Indian city of Kolkatta. At one point Myanmar and Bangladesh had started to get along with each other, sharing a smoothie with two straws and even calling each other for dates. Unfortunately Bangladesh stopped calling when it found Myanmar with another country, Cambodia. It was all very emotional.

Relations with the US have not gone well ever since Bangladesh called Bush a "dumbo" to which Bush replied "No I'm not! You are!" before storming off in a huff. Since Bangladesh is a Muslim country, it has strong connections with its other Muslim buddies (especially since it switched to Virgin Mobile). Unfortunately its closest ally, Iraq, didn't add Bangladesh to the top five on its speed dial list. Bangladesh, enraged, sent an e-mail to Bush about Iraq hiding WMDs and has been giggling nervously on the sidelines ever since.

[edit] Bangladeshi names

Muslim Bangladeshis don't have a wide variety of names. Their passion is for names ending in 'ul' or 'ur', i.e. Enamul, Habibul, Ashraful, Aminul, Sirajul, Saiful, Badrul, Shariful, Raqibul, Mujibur, Shahidur, Zillur (O.K., you get the picture). 90 per cent of Bangladeshis have to share only nine surnames. These are Islam, Rahman, Hossain, Alam, Uddin, Chowdhury, Ahmed, Ali and Miah. To try and distinguish between all those who inevitably end up with the same name they have an endearing habit of using their family nickname, (e.g. Joy, Bulbul, Lovely, Nannu, Babu e.t.c.) even in the most formal circumstances. So when the next middle aged Bangladeshi Nobel prize winner is presented to the General Secretary of the U.N. at a solemn ceremony, the whole world will get to find out what his mother informally called him when he was two-years-old.

A minority of Bangladeshis can't be bothered to buy into all the above nonsense so give their children completely random names which they seem to have plucked out of thin air, e.g. Pavel, Russell, Lincoln, Dollar, e.t.c.

[edit] Resources

Patriotic Bangladeshis will forever tell you that their country has a lot of natural resources. This is true. Unfortunately, most of them are actually 'human resources' (children slaving away in textile factories, women slaving away in the kitchen, men slaving away at drinking tea on the pavement). Its other main resource is jute, a commodity that has proved difficult to market to nearby countries due to the fact that "jute" means "lie" in India and Pakistan, and "dildo" in Myanmar.

The country is also abundant in natural gas. This runs everything in Bangladesh: buses, trucks, motor rickshaws, computers, tvs, phones, iPhones, aeroplanes, penis enlargement drugs, bicycles and people. However, it has no oil, so Bangladesh has to buy this by trading its two primary resources: natural gas and humans.

[edit] Flora and fauna

The country has pristine forests - or forests that were pristine till five billion years ago - which are the natural habitat of the endangered Royal Bengal Tiger. Bangladesh's influential conservationist lobby is doing everything in its power to halt the depletion of the tigers' numbers. However, the country's even more influential anti-conservationist lobby has vowed to wipe out every single one of the blighters as soon as is humanly possible. By next year, there should be nothing but paw prints of tigers left behind as proof of their existence. And after the inevitable flood next year, even these will be gone.

[edit] Sport in Bangladesh

Bangladeshis are great at watching, talking about and thinking about sport. It's just the competing in it which can be a problem. Bangladesh's national cricket team struggles to stay afloat (both metaphorically and literally) in the international Test arena. The football side is permanently submerged. In individual sports the picture is not much better. When Asif Hossain Khan stunned the country by winning a gold medal in the Commonwealth Games shooting contest, he was rewarded by being beaten up by the Bangladeshi police. That's how the justice system works in Bangladesh.

[edit] Travel

Commercial international carriers with routes to Bangladesh include Where The Fuck Is Bangladesh? Airlines and Is Bangladesh, Like, In India? Airlines. You can also hitch a ride on Biman Bangladesh Airlines. Biman Bangladesh Airlines was founded in 1976 by Iqbal Bimanbangladeshairlines Choudhury, and temporarily mislaid the following year by the same man. In 2005, the airline had a record success rate of 7% for the number of its aircraft which managed to take off and a record low 13,676 incidents of in-flight food poisoning.

Bimanbangladeshairlines is a no-frills airline. It saves money by using the following techniques:

Its listed landing destinations are "anything soft".
Those passengers that die in transit are the "in-flight meals" for first-class passengers.
Their security screening involves shouting "Are you Osama bin Laden?" to each passenger.
Baggage handlers are allowed to loot luggage, provided they stuff something useless into suitcases to compensate for the weight-loss. The useless thing is usually another Bangladeshi, or the least popular luggage handler.

Visitors to Bangladesh are advised to avoid dishing out compliments to Pakistan. More than India, Burma, or the Bay of Bengal, Bangladeshis HATE Pakistanis (except while watching cricket -- then they love Pakistanis).

During the rainy season, water levels can be so high enough there isn't actually enough dry land to allow boats and ferries to dock. Don't worry though - Bangladeshi companies have set up charter deep sea submarines, which can transport travellers to Dhaka.

[edit] Sylheti swear words

Sylhetis are a cheery lot who inhabit the north eastern corner of Bangladesh, vast swathes of East London and the house next door to mine ('Turn that bloody music down you bastards - it's four in the morning!') Sylheti swear words are very popular in Bangladesh and are a good way to let off steam while stuck in Dhaka traffic waiting for a Government minister's cavalcade to pass by.

"Thor maar fundo kitha hamaiseh?"([Meaning: What's up your mum's pussy?])
"Ooh my goh thomar bogga dekhi otho khala!"(Meaning: Oh my, what a black cock you have!)
"Thor maa reh ami oneh sudaimoo thui boya deckh!"(Meaning: Now i will fuck your mother while you will sit and watch.)
"Thor baafor bogga buleh thera?!"(Meaning: I have heard that your father has a bent cock)
"Kitha beh halar hallla!"(Meaning: What, you son of a bitch?)
"Somalianor sudah amar aag thakhi horr!"(Meaning: Son of a somalian get out of my way!!)
"Tomar boga ze furu!"(Meaning: Your dick is small!)

[edit] Population

The human population of Bangladesh is made up of 49% males, 43% females, 6% hermaphrodites and 2% George W. Bush offspring. Most Bangladeshis have around 47 children, at least 40 of which will live under water for most of their lives. Bangladesh was unaffected by the Irish Potato Famine, which left its inhabitants feeling a strange sense of loss and disappointment. However, this one stroke of good luck did enable it to increase its population by 50 million in five years.

The population also includes some ethnic and religious minorities. When these are pointed out to the average Bengali Muslim he looks in the opposite direction and says: "Minorities? I don't see any minorities - where are they? Guess they don't really exist". When the minorities shuffle into his eyeline he will then hastily look in another direction (or close his eyes. Or gouge his eyes out) and continue to insist that they don't exist.

[edit] The Bangladeshi middle classes

People from this section of society are known locally as 'MIGS', which stands for Middle Income Groups. They see themselves as the brave new future of Bangladesh. In reality, as their nation will permanently disappear beneath the sea in a few decades, they are not the future of anything. They like to throw their money around, beat up their servants and eat too much. They wax lyrical about how patriotic they are but will emigrate to some richer country whenever they get the chance. They alternately spoil their overweight kids rotten then scream at them for not wanting to be doctors or engineers. They are mystified as to why 'the common people' don't appreciate them more.

[edit] Exports

Photo of Monica Ali after she infiltrated the Louvre's complex security system

Faria Alam wearing Sir Jim Corbett on her skirt and posing - clinching proof that she devoured him. (photo courtesy - Delhi Mirror)

Bangladesh's main exports are:

Illegal Immigrants to neighbouring India and nearby Malaysia, and distant Greece, Italy, UK, and Saudi Arabia.
Pictures and postcards of the Royal Bengal Tiger. These images are exported mainly to the UN, UNESCO and UNICEF with pictures of hungry boys and girls standing among the tigers. This is a very profitable business for Bangladesh and constitutes about 99.99% of the nation's total foreign earnings. The remaining 0.01% comes from non resident Pakistanis and Indians who pay to access websites owned by man-eating tigress Begum Khaleda Zia, to see naked pictures of her and her friends.
Writers, in English like Monica Ali to Europe and America. "Monica Ali" is actually a reincarnation of the Mona Lisa, as our brilliant piece of photographic evidence on the right demonstrates.
Encouraged by the state, Bangladesh has recently started developing and exporting man eating tigresses to First World countries. The latest such woman/tigress to shoot to fame was Faria Alam who devoured England's football coach, Sir Jim Corbett during a practice match. Sir Jim Corbett subsequently denied he had been devoured but no one believes him.

[edit] Trivia

"Bangladesh" is French for "Bang the desh".
Bangladesh is twinned with the Welsh city of Bangor, the two being approximately equal in wealth.
The national dish is cooked barbed wire.
The most popular Bangladeshi swear-word is "Brother-in-law" or শালা ( pronounced Shala ) No one can properly explain why this is supposed to be so insulting.
Bengali men are mainly women with hairy arms and long beautiful eyelashes.
The USA once secretly invaded Bangladesh but found out it possessed no oil so crept away again.
Bangladesh is so corrupt it successfully bribed the U.N. team tasked with eliminating corruption to instead encourage more corruption.
Bengali people have 9 lives, 8 of which are reserved for surviving floods.

[edit] Current events

Currently Bangladesh is submerged under water so any events taking place there are of no interest to people without a) gills or b) scuba diving equipment.

[edit] Famous yet Bangladeshi / Bengali

Mohammed Yunus - The man who made economics sexy. Which is one hell of an achievement.
Kishore Kumar - O.K. fine, he's from India but they won't mind if we borrow him for a bit.
Rabindranath Tagore - Yes, yes, he's also an Indian Bengali, but there's not many important people who actually came from Bangladesh so he'll just have to do.
Sirajul Islam - Bloke who lives in Oldham, near Manchester. Can serve up a wicked lamb curry, tap dance and recite the Qur'an backwards. Though not all at the same time.
Amartya Sen - Another economist. Impressed the Brits so much they made him master of a Cambridge University college.
Subash Chandra Bose - Yet another Indian Bengali. Sided with Japan in the Second World War. Was a bit chubby.
Mohammed Ashraful - Bangladesh cricket captain. Scored a test match century when he was eight-years-old. He now restricts himself to making a significant score once every five years.