Banjo-Kazooie

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“So one day, when I had gotten so high on hookah that I nearly soiled myself, I discovered the game, and it changed my sexual orientation forever.”

~ Richard Nixon

“Hua hua hua hua hua, hua hua hua, hua hua. Hua hua hua hua hua hua. Hua hua hua hua, hua. Guh-huh!”

~ Banjo on Himself

“Gruwawle koh koh gruwawle. Ahk ahk gruwawle koh, koh ahk koh gruwawle gruwawle. Bree!”

~ Kazooie on Herself

Banjo-Kazooie can either refer to the Nintendo 64 game that swept the world by storm in the late 90s, or the team-up of the bear and bird incarnations of Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, the fathers of our country who helped shape the government as we know it. Either way, Banjo-Kazooie is full acid trips and the gatheing of "honey combs" and "musical notes", which represent cocaine and heroin, respectively.

Contents 1 Plot 2 Collecting Drugs 3 Fan Response 4 Trivia

[edit] Plot

When Thomas Jefferson (Banjo) wakes up one morning, he finds that his slave girl, Sally Hemmings (Tooty) has been assassinated by a cross-dressing white supremicist named Brandon Ellis Roberts (Gruntilda).

Banjo then calls in his bird-like friend, Alexander Hamilton (Kazooie), to levy heavy taxes on the south (aka beat the shit out of 3D-generated talking gorillas and annoying-as-shit moles). Most of the rest of the game is spent gathering "energy" needed to defeat Hemming's killer, by garnering illegal drugs and snorting as much as possible.

At one point in the game, T-Jeff and Kazooie meet up with the crazed inventor Chritopher Lloyd, played by a semi-literate and heavily-stuttering fucktard mole named Bottles. By the end of the game, Bottles finds himself in a jail cell, where fans hope that he is ass-raped. cockass!

[edit] Collecting Drugs

Most of the drug collecting in Banjo-Kazooie occurs when someone disembowels an enemy. The controls are simple to maneuver in this game, stealing and combining Halo 2 with Grand Theft Auto San Andreas to create the ultimate "shoot 'em up and give me yo' money, bitch" game. Often, Thomas Jefferson allow Kazooie to dry hump him, which creates "eggs" or sentient STD/drug fetuses, which can be aborted either through Hamilton's ass or Hamilton's mouth. Every walking vegetable is purely a creation of Banjo's doped up mind, so they can't actually hurt you. But if you keep running into them they will kill you.

[edit] Fan Response

Their are two different schools of thought and opinion surrounding the ultra-controversial game, Banjo-Kazooie.

Honestly, most fans find the game flippin' awesome, but a few ultra-conservative whippersnappers refuse to let up on their criticism. This, combined with Capt. Falcon's recent rants on the homosexuality implied in the level "Mumbo's Brothel," have left many parents wishing that the "E" rating on the game would be upgraded to the oh-so-severe "E-10" rating.

[edit] Trivia

• The only part of any game in video game history to include a copy of the Declaration of Independence and a copy of "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" in the same owner's manual.
• Ironically, while Thomas Jefferson was proficient in stringed instruments such as the banjo, Alexander Hamilton hated the kazoo. "I refuse to blow anyone or anything!" he once said to Aaron Burr. It was because of this quote (Aaron was a well-known brass instrument maker) that Hamilton was killed in a duel with Burr.
• "Hoo Ha Hummy" has become the fifty-fourth most used game quote, just behind "Do a Barrell Roll!" from Star Fox.
• You need more Mumbo Tokens for Mumbo do magic. Stupid bear and bird come back later.
• That fuckin' swamp level blows, and you know it!
• Dude, no fucking way, it's awesome!
• IT BLOWS END OF THE DAMN SWAMP STORY!!
• Just like your mom...
• I like the part with the bird in..