The Bank
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“**IMPORTANT NOTICE** –— Repossession effective as of June 18...”
~ The Bank on owning you, your possessions, soul, etc.
The Bank is a financial institution that generally serves as the focal point of bank heist films. It is a generally accepted fact that banks are smarter, faster, and altogether more powerful than any mere mortal. As the bank operates in a state of collective consciousness, most banks are currently being independently licensed and remotely controlled via tel-com satellites (developed in association with communications giant Skynet).
Unlike similar centers of commerce, banks are not gender-specific, and have become specialized over the years to better meet the needs of the business community: for example, the rising number of "accidents" in American banking establishments led to individual sperm deposit boxes, and then to the stand-alone First National Bank of Sperm.
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[edit] What Does a Bank Look Like?
You can generally recognize the bank by the monolithic, windowless exterior, marked only by peculiar hieroglyphic-like inscriptions (some of which may be smeared with blood, or semen, depending on the aforementioned level of specialization). Inside of the bank is a complex maze of stairs and cubicles divided only by a number of miscellaneous, motionless lines of bank patrons. Sometimes in these banks, a conservatively-dressed, middle-aged woman will come over and falsely smile at you. While this esoteric practice may seem superfluous, it is actually still employed as a deterrent to potential robbers and/or terrorists; a polite smile is not necessary, but it will generally help in expediting the woman's departure from your line of vision.
Banks also feature another outdated technology: the all-purpose security guard. He can generally be found sleeping soundly by the door, pastrami sandwich precariously teetering off the edge of his mountainous stomach. Due to their potential for malfunction, many banks have replaced their guards with more a more cost-effective alternative: mannequins.
Once you battle your way past the guards and old women, you encounter the bank's final design flaw: the teller. Though the teller has been proven ineffective and altogether inferior to their automatic counterparts, banks keep their human tellers in order to give the customer a sense of security; while a machine might steal your hard-earned money, the hot blonde teller with big tits certainly wouldn't.. right?
[edit] How Safe is My Money?
Very.
What banks lose in points for their archaic security guards and tellers, they gain back double for their superior protection of your cash. Unfortunately for some customers, the bank may be too careful with your funds: so much so that they move said funds into their own accounts rather than yours. This is not a problem however -- modern banks have the most sophisticated and genuinely-concerned technical support and help lines in all of the business world.
Being that banks want only what's best for their clients, all the money of the bank is stored in big glass containers right behind the teller's counter. Dollars are dumped in and removed via a large crane apparatus (only 25 cents a try!). The larger, more seemingly-accessable the bank's containers appear, the more prominent a bank is considered. For example, the bank of the Walt Disney Corporation is the only known bank with windows -- windows which were installed solely to exhibit the bank's massive money containers (customarily displayed with prominence during The Holiday Season).
Some banks used a method of storage known as the Honor System. HS transfers involve converting paper money into binary code and electronically transmitting the bills from the bank directly into your home. The system is often abused, leading to huge bandwidth violations certain in metropolitan areas. The honor system is also employed in the hotel industry as a method of instantly beaming alcoholic beverages from the source hub (or "Honor Bar") directly into guest's bloodstream. Neither industries have perfected the technology.
[edit] Banks and Theft
The high number of storylines in comic books and science fiction movies involving botched bank theft has lead to a general misconception that such a practice is impossible. This is in fact quite the opposite -- several reports on large-scale bank theft have been filed, some as recent as 2008. Despite research to the contrary, bank thefts ARE preventable.
In addition to these major bank jackings, petty theft and robbery can also occur in or near banks. These situations are also 100% preventable.
[edit] How to Prevent Theft
- Create and maintain a secure structural foundation. Thieves are regular people, not body builders; thus, the stronger your building is built, the harder it will be to steal.
- Carry a handgun at all times. Though most states require permits for concealed weapons, banks are considered sovereign entities and are exempt from this rule.
- Carry all your money with you at once. It is much easier to protect all your funds in one fight than to encounter numerous individual battles for fractions of your savings.
[edit] Famous Banks
- First National Bank of International Banking
- Second National Bank of Bank (See Alternate Usages)
- Lloyd Banks
- Banksy
- That bank they robbed in Point Break
- Tyra Banks
- Bank-chicka-wah-wah
- Bank that ass up
- Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
[edit] Alternate Usages
The notoriety of modern banking establishments has inspired slang terminology in the United States and parts of Uruguay. To be "Bankin'" or to have "Mad Bank" implies a great deal of wealth or extravagance. This usage implies that a person has acquired great riches at a fast pace (often linked to illegal activities), just like The Bank.
It can also refer to the part of the ocean containing sand.
