Baptists
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“Why don't Baptists have sex standing up ? Because that might lead to dancing.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Baptists
The Baptist church was founded due to the schism begun by Fred Phelps, when he declared that the current Pope of Protestantism, Pat Robertson was a "Fag Enabler". Since then, Fred Phelps has reigned as the new Baptist Pope. Many years ago he swallowed a bee and started talking incoherently, nearby onlookers were stunned and confused. He later told his followers that he was speaking in god's language or "tongues".
[edit] Baptists & the Internet
The Baptists are also a radical (and openly homosexual) online gaming alliance made up of several hundred Counterstrike clans, most popularly known for infiltrating random, unexpecting FPS servers with illegal god-mode hacks using avatars that bear a striking similarity to major Christian Biblical figures such as Jesus, John_the_Baptist, and Bill_O'Reilly. They claim the hacking is their God-given right because their congressional governance system bestows autonomy and, most importantly, Supreme Biblical Power to all member clans.
Claiming to exist before the Catholic_Church, the Baptists declared a Holy War against Islam shortly before the birth of Jesus_Christ, thus initiating a long-lasting campaign to recruit young warriors to their cause-- the most recent scouting and recruitment (also known as "redeeming" or "saving") method done via subliminal brainwashing techniques in the ever-popular de_dust and de_dust2 maps.
Baptists practice Justification by Faith or sola ad 1337-inum, stating that it is by faith alone that we become 1337, and not through any actual PWNAGE done in game. In fact, even in getting royally Pwn3d by anoother N00b, a Baptist can be 1337 simply by believing himself to be 1337, despite having no gaming skills whatsoever.
Starting in 1803, God has waged endless war against Baptists for his own divine amusement. Among his many tools used for this purpose are hurricanes, tornadoes, burying fossils to promote evolution, tobacco, pig's feet, and the Dixie Chicks.
Baptists are often incorrectly confused with other (semi-related) mainstream fundamentalist organizations and movements, such as Protestantism, Catholicism, Microsoft, and the Republican_party.
It's a little known common everyday fact that Baptists are openly encouraged to avoid having sexual relations whilst in the upright standing position. This is done to avoid confused onlookers, such as gay people, believing that they may in fact be dancing.
