Barack Obama
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Hello, and welcome to tonight's edition of Meet the Candidate! I, as always, am your disembodied host, and tonight we will take a closer look at one of the many presidential hopefuls vying (that is, against Miss Spears), for your attention. Barack Sadam Hussein Obama bin Laden, the potential Democratic presidential nominee who, for some ill-defined reason, has swept the populace off their feet, will be the focus of the program tonight. While Mr. Obama, offering no excuse, will not be attending to discuss himself personally, we've still compiled enough fascinating material to continue the show. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Obama, we've procured from reliable sources a brief biography of his earlier years. Let's begin, shall we?
Contents |
Biography
Early Childhood
Barack Obama was born on August 4th, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. Contrary to popular belief, his actual name was Obama Iraqa, but it was soon changed when he immigrated to the U.S. His father, a black Kenyan Muslim, seperated from his mother, a white Kansan atheist, when he was only two years old. The rest of Obama's childhood was spent bitching about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse, as is evidenced in his adolescent journal.
| Dear Diary, The guys at school keep calling me chocolate milk, then emphasizing my mixed race to make sure that I understand the joke. My white friends ask me if I'm their "brotha" or "wit dat" or "jivin', yo!" The black kids at school are more brusque; they just call me "Uncle Tom" and kick me in the groin whenever I venture too near to them. Sigh, I wonder if I shall ever find myself? *Tear* |
Later Childhood
Obama's father, hearing of his distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Obama soon became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character. In addition to this, Obama became generally accustomed to Indonesian cutlure. However, his heart still yearned for acceptance in America.
| Dear Diary, I feel that I have made myself into such an entirely different person, that those who tormented my childhood will no longer even recognize me! This means that I will be able to reinvent myself as a completely new person and become truly accepted. I mean, someone who is half black and half white? What was I thinking? But a half black half white Indonesian Muslim? That's just crazy enough to work. |
After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances.
Adulthood
Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend college at prestigious Occidental College in Los Angeles. Realizing his mistake, he transferred to Harvard University, and there attained dual degrees in Law and Condescension. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.
| Dear Diary, Graduation day! I'm so nervous, my hat is soaked at the brim with sweat already. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. A law degree in the hands of an eloquent idealist, there's no more potent combination for the achievement of civil justice! As long as I can get past the host pronouncing my name "Berik O-bam-a," I should be fine. Sigh, white people simply will never wrap their tongues around that name. |
Soon after his graduation from Harvard, he returned to Chicago to fight crime and become a civil rights lawyer. However, it is widely believed that this was just a fake cover up for his real occupation - being a Muslim terrorist.
Political Career
Humble Beginnings
After working as a civil rights lawyer, he took a job in a community activist group. This position was roughly equivalent to “political bitch.” His actual work was menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success.
| Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper. |
2008 Election
Obama, promising the people "Bread, Circuses, and more Change than you can handle!" entered the 2008 race as a relative unknown. However, due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the common voter to his message, he has gained an advantage in the polls. His lead over Democratic rival Hillary Clinton, though, remains slim, and if this does not change soon, Obama may find his hopes for victory dashed.
The Issues
Of course, we know that the American voter spends little time looking at a candidate's personal traits, and instead focuses rabidly on the actual issues. So, without further ado, a voter's guide to Barack Obama.
Change
I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?
| Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch. Then it's right back at things with some light change... |
Iraq
American policy in Iraq needs to be changed. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good Hope.
No Child Left Behind
Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be changed.
Health Care
Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US.
Illegal Immigration
Illegal Immigrants are full of hope that they might one day become citizens. We must either change our attitudes and accept this, or hope for them to go away.
The Economy
Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things.
Abortion
Roe vs. Wade must be changed! Um...for the better!
Washington Lobbyists
Kill them. Every one.
The Homeless
We are all hoping for change on this issue. I hope that the solution is to give the homeless change.
So...
That's all the time we have for tonight! I hope you've learned a bit more about Barack Obama, and will be able to fulfill your civic duty as an informed voter in approximately one year. If you missed it, don't worry. Incessant coverage by Meet the Candidates! will continue until, and possibly after, the winner has been announced, with only frequent interruptions by Miss Spears. Up next, Are you smarter than a 5th grader?:International Edition.
