Barbara Walters
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Bahbwa Waltaws, possibwy the most bewoved and weast awogant newswoman evah to spawn forth fwom the papuhshweddahs of Amewica, was born in 104 to a couple of aliens on the planet of Mars. Awabama. She died in 1972 but was revived by a taxidermist with a vision who removed much of her remaining tissue and replaced it with remote controlled pneumatic actuators. Over the years, Bahbwa Wawa has undergone several retrofits which have restored her autonomy. It is rumored that her cranial cavity houses a backplane of four Intel 386DX cores with a specially-designed VESA Local Bus controller card which runs the actuators. Due to budget cuts at ABC, Barbarian Walthers's speech processor was never completed and has been running beta code for nearly fourteen years, explaining the ongoing speech impediment.
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[edit] The Earwy Years
Duwing an interview with Diane Sawyer, Bahbwa Wawa's mother admitted that fwom the beginning, Bahbwa devewoped her own special language, a sure sign of a bwight future in bwoadcast TV. Bahbwa's favowite phwrase growing up was "pwease pass the pwease, I really really want some".
[edit] Sweeping to the top
Barbwa used her sexpot image to cwimb to the top, actuwy..atop ..err whateva. Whatever she did woked and now she has an anchor in her office (not to be confused with a television/news anchor).
[edit] The View
Barbwa also appears on the Oprah Winfrey creation The View where she serves a panel member. Due to her alzheimer's, Barbwa often just stares at the camera, plays with her weenie, and announces when she has soiled her depends underwear.
[edit] Blink Rate
Tremulous voice aside, one only has to study the blinks-per-minute to discover that Barbwa is, in fact, a nuvous weck. A recent appearwance on David Wetterman revealed an average blink rate of 312 blinks per second. What is she so afwaid of? Is it the accumulated lies of centuries past? Did she kill somewon? Is David Letterman that scary in pusson? No one knows and nobody cares, not even the chair.
[edit] Community Survice
Barbwa despises community survice. She is a vocal supportah of Huwicane Katwina.
[edit] Sex Symbol Status
Barbwa is a 3 time winner of the NAMILFP (North American MILF Pageant in 1899, 1901, and 1902) and her background in this pagent and the fact E.T., Ally McBeal, Kelly Rippa, Cher, Patrick Duffy, and all the members of The Pussycat Dolls turned down the offer to co-host The View. She was also referred to as "banging" by Will Smith and Alfonso Ribiero on an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire (and that one's not even a lie!).
[edit] Death and Comeback
Wawa unexpectedly died on December 25, 1972 while doing a segment on the Christmas Bear. At the time, ABC was trying greatly to push secularism in American society and created its own rendition of the Christmas story. A huggable, adorable bear would be the gift giver to the world, ejecting goodwill like a man with a machine gun. Bahbwa decided that it would only be feasible if the bear were incarnated on camera, and she and traveled to Canadia in search of the most lovable, cutest polar bear. She arrived and lured over a cub with a pot of honey. The cub licked Wawa's honey pot, and the mother bear, noticing screams of agony from the cub, quickly came to its rescue, mauling Wawa as she tried to place a red Christmas cap on the bear. An attempt to revive Wawa ensued, and nearly a half-billion dollars were spent trying to keep her alive with high tech stuff. ABC decided that it could capitalize on this and aired a spinoff pilot called "The Six Million Dollar Man" (secretly starring Bahbwa Wawa herself) but cancelled it after a few episodes due to low ratings. Wahwas was packed in caramel color, red lake no. 5, disodium EDTA (to preserve freshness), and mothballs. She was buried at her own request in a hole left by prehistoric graboids in Campbell County, Wyoming.
After Bwabwa's death, she was rebuilt by taxidermist and freelance graverobber Robert Kellermann who knew that if he could robotically control her body, he might have a chance at getting her. Oddly enough, the necrophiliac succeeded, and Babwa went live again in March 1973, four months after her original death. Improvements include pneumatic actuators controlled by a UNIVAC computer (later upgraded to Apple IIe and then an i386DX) as well as an upgraded jaundiced leather exoskeleton. Kellermann was later charged with cemetery vandalism and was sentenced to 72 hours in a pound-me-in-the-butt federal penitentiary, ironically with no conjugal visits allowed. It is arguable that Kellermann pioneered the crowning achievement of the twentieth century.
To date, Bawbwa requires frequent reboots. In her senile, old years, she occasionally locks up on stage (supposed "stage fright") and has to be remote controlled until the scheduled reboot takes place. Often, she walks into walls and must be manually reset, which explains the phenomenon of ABC taking commercial breaks forty-five minutes of every hour. Upkeep to Wahwahs since the mid 90's has been a major problem at the studio, and research is underway to scrap the project altogether and continue with a holographic version of the old hag.
[edit] Wetirement
At the age of 92, and in spite of fwoods of mail demanding she disappeah fwom The View, Ms. Waltahs stiwl has no pwans of wetiring. *sigh*
[edit] Hobbies
Brabwa cowects bwas and bwahs, which means she has big tits and woves Jamaica.
[edit] A message from Barbara herself
Good evening. This is Barbara Walters. You are all sick. This is not how I live my life. This is not how I lead my life. I am a woman. A pure woman. What about that do you not get? It is not like I am in front of a teleprompter all the time. Sometimes because I am old I forget to read the teleprompter script and get off on my own senile ramblings. The reason that I have always seemed to be bad at being on TV is that and because and only if for the reason of that--and WHY--but of course, I have never been able to read the teleprompter. Face it. Times New Roman 8 point font is just too small for my ~1800-year-old eyes to handle. (They never replaced those when they did the animatronic retrofit, and I was forced with either spewing useless garbage or not talking at all. I chose the former.) Now, does this make sense? I thought so. I *KNOW* so. I own you.
