Barbie
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Gina Red Barbera, a very popular german sex toy, was invented by Hanna-Barbera and former Gestapo Hauptsturmführer Klaus Barbie in 1959.
“I highly agree with the song. Being rapped in plastic is fun!”
~ The Retard on Barbie dolls
“I LOVE YOU BARBIE!!! SWOOOOOOOOSHHHHH!!!!”
~ Joel Savedra on Barbie dolls
“ I remember Barbie, I used to rape them everyday when I was younger.”
~ 11 Year Old Boy on Barbie Dolls
“ Barbie is a bitch, she is just a witch!”
~ Garrets on Barbie
“ I really hate her, why does Ken date her?”
~ Raoul on Barbie
“ I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world -- you can strip me nude, you can molest me all you waaant...”
~ Barbie Doll on Herself
“EEE! EEE! Clap! Clap!”
~ MrCleveland on Barbie
“BARBIE!”
~ Dr Cox on Elliot Reid
“I don't know why Barbies dating that little bitch Ken”
~ Kelly & Tommy On Their New Dad
Contents |
[edit] Barbie is Evil
First off, I have to say Barbie is taking over the world!!! She sends her evil clones into peoples houses and takes over!!! Santa Clause is in on it all. He helps her by putting her clones in peoples houses on Christmas. Wal-Mart seduces people into wanting them, but Barbie was losing her grip on people so they were all buying better toys. So, Barbie came up with Hannah Montana. Another blond to use for her evil plot. Soon every tween is going to have Hannah Montana stuff in their house, and then Barbie will use them to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
[edit] Early History
Klaus Barbie had previously earned a considerable fortune performing at sideshows as "Klauschen, The Worlds Tiniest Nazi Midget", and most of this money went into the creation of the first line of Barbie dolls. "I zimply vanted somethink in my own size to cuddle vith" the diminutive Klaus would later tell his biographers.
When Barbera died, Klaus changed the name of the doll to Just Barbie, a cheers to his little self.
Later that year, Hasbro now owns the rights to the dolls, as well as the D&D range, and are making versions of the dolls to be used as figures in the games. The new range includes:
- Stalker Ex-Girlfriend Barbie
- Bitch Slap Barbie (with Bitch-slap action)
- Intervention Barbie
- Exorcist Barbie [With head-spinning action!]
- Gay Pride Barbie
- Sadist barbie (Complete with Slovakian Hostel)
- Lunatic barbie (Comes with padded white room and straight jacket)
- Mafia Barbie
- Obese Barbie
- Terrorist Barbie
- Politically correct barbie (Is a disabled black muslim lesbian immigrant)
- Witchcraft Barbie
- Emo Cutter Barbie
- Conjoined Twins Barbie
- Communist barbie
- Nazi barbie
- Stereo Typical Black Barbie (Complete With 10 Bitchy Phrases)
- Hobbit Barbie
- Dwarf Barbie
- Fetish Barbie (comes with anal balls, various dildos and fisting equipment)
- Bondage & Discipline Barbie (comes with a nipple clamps, whip, spatula, cuffs, and Master Ken with hair-grabbing action)
- Redneck Barbie
- The Barbie Formerly Known as Barbie Barbie
- Crazy Cat Lady Barbie
- Attention Whore Barbie
- Voodoo barbie
- Victorian Prostitute Barbie (Comes with bottle of gin, the clap, and Jack the Ripper)
- Serial Killer Barbie (Comes with mild-mannered alter identity and human toe collection)
- Contortionist fetish barbie
- Borderline personality disorder barbie
- Hooker Barbie (comes complete with ripped panties and a corner of a dark street)
- Mormon Barbie
- Gold-Digger Barbie
- Gangbanger Barbie (comes complete with 5 Kens, a bottle of lube, and red ballgag)
- Hermaphrodite barbie
- Scientologist Barbie
- Alcoholic Barbie
- Tree-hugger barbie
- Transexual Barbie (often mistaken for Ken's boyfriend Ben)
- Pregnant Barbie
- Gigantism Barbie
- Pirate barbie
- Decapitated Barbie
- Amy Winehouse Barbie (comes complete with rehab center, contraband and coupons)
- Pornstar Barbie
- Hunchback Barbie
- Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong Barbie
- Zombie Barbie
- Amputee Barbie
- Progeria Barbie
- Genital mutilation barbie [Comes with detachable labia and clitoris]
- Geek Barbie
- Mummified barbie
- Scandinavian Barbie (Complete with milk and life like spanking sounds)
- Blood orgy barbie
- Eskimo barbie
- Glass eye barbie
- Jihad Barbie (comes with hijab and halal)
- Alabama barbie [Has missing teeth, shotgun and phrase "You kids get owf ma laynd!"]
- Gangsta Barbie (comes with own gun, coke money and bonus bitch to "smack up")
- Leprechaun barbie
- Paki barbie (With corner shop)
- Midlife Crisis Barbie
- Downs Syndrome Barbie
- Squirting orgasm Barbie
- Elderly barbie
- Blind Barbie [comes with cane and sunglasses]
- Pervert barbie
- Paedophile barbie
- Crackhead Barbie (Complete set includes Barbie dream crackhouse)
- Abortion clinic Barbie
- Feminist barbie [With bra burning action]
- Animal sacrifice barbie
- Leprosy Barbie
- Wailing Banshee barbie
- Jewish Barbie (With big nose and comes with a scalpel)
- Ku Klux Klan barbie
- Cancer patient Barbie [comes with IV needle and wig]
- Barbie and Darbie attached unborn fetus doll
- Mexican Barbie [includes Bible, Frying Pan, and Eyeliner]
- Barbie got back Barbie
- Mongolian Barbie
- Chinese barbie [Comes with a shitty wall, for god damn Mongorians!]
- Burn Victim Barbie
- Cannibal barbie
- Albino Barbie
- Beatnik barbie
- Chicken pox Barbie
- Bisexual barbie
- Arthritis Barbie [Warning: leg braces may be sharp]
- Michael Jackson barbie (not suitable for below the age of 18)
- Tourettes Barbie
- HIV barbie
- Bearded Barbie
- Arachnid barbie (actually just a brown recluse)
- Skin graft Barbie
- Dyke Barbie (Comes with Barbie Lesbian Dream Dungeon, plus phrases include "Oh yeah scissor!")
- Epilepsy Barbie
- Anorexia Barbie (Comes with vomiting action)
- Jaundice barbie
- Mixed-race barbie
- Wheelchair-bound barbie
- Suicide Barbie
- ABBA Barbie
- Bunny boiler barbie
- Nun barbie
- Starving ethiopian Barbie [with super starving action!]
- German Barbie [comes with 5"x3" glass shitting table and German Ken with pooping action]
- Chernobyl Barbie
- Masturbation Barbie
- Barbiezilla
- Pole-dancer barbie
- Vampire Barbie
- Flatulent Barbie
- Nuclear waste mutation barbie
- Boneless Barbie
- Football hooligan barbie
- Belching Barbie
- Boobless Barbie
- Hangover barbie (With bucket and frozen bag of peas)
- Alien Barbie
- Polish barbie [Comes with a doorway. Wears a headscarf and cries!]
- Westboro baptist barbie [Comes with god hates fags sign]
- Stephen Hawking Barbie
- Constipated Barbie
- Shoplifter Barbie
- 90's raver barbie [comes with some E's]
- Satanic cult barbie
- Rapping Barbie
- Chastity Belt barbie
- Dismembered Barbie
- Hip-Hop Singing Barbie
- Gothic Barbie
- Ghetto barbie
- Domestic violence barbie [Has black eyes and a fat lip]
- Incontinent Barbie
- Menstruating barbie (Comes with bleeding action and tampons)
- Ginger barbie
- Hobo Barbie (With begging action!)
- Giant squid Barbie
- Huge Knockers Barbie
- Chav barbie
- Polygamist Barbie (comes with Ken, Ben, Den and Len!)
- Quadriplegic Barbie
- Britney Spears Barbie (complete with head shaving action!)
- Racist Barbie
- Dead Barbie (comes with coffin & crematorium)
- Ex-heroin addict Barbie (Life like needle scars!)
- Cyclops Barbie
- Beastiality Barbie
- Gypsy Barbie
- Rabid Barbie
- Rapist Hermaphrodite Barbie (Complete with thrusting action and buttplug)
- Auschwitz barbie
- Vishnu barbie
- Anime Fangirl Barbie ( Totally fake whiskers and a fetish for irrealistic asian men!!)
- Divorce Barbie (a complete playset including Ken's house, Ken's car...)
- Jailbait Barbie
- Trailer Trash Barbie
- Lolita Barbie
- Tranny Barbie
- Sex-change Barbie (comes with detachable penis)
- Paralysed Barbie
- Horny Barbie
- Tory Barbie
- Topless Barbie (With huge Tits!)
- Nerdy Barbie
- Murderer Barbie
- Menopause Barbie
- Vaguely-resembles-a-human Barbie
- Barbie Scared Stupid
- Molested Barbie
- Bringing SexyBack Barbie
- Grandma Barbie
- Porn star Barbie
- Grue Barbie
- Retard barbie
- Yoda Barbie (2ft length in real size)
- Russian Reversal Barbie
[edit] Crossovers
In 1997, Hasbro coupled with the electronic-death giant Sony to create the crossover videogame, Barbie in Doom. The massively unpopular first-person shooter is credited with single-handedly causing the collapse of Sony and the subsequent surrender of it United States to the country of Estonia.
'There's no nudity! This game sucks as much as every other Barbie game ever made!' -Oscar Wilde
The only copy of Barbie in Doom known not to have been destroyed has been encased in an arcade-game box and is held in a maximum-security wing of the University of The North Pole. Viewing hours pending.
[edit] Other Nefarious Dealings
Hasbro also rigged her election in 1950 A.D. when she ran for president. She became the 19th United States President. She currently resides in the town of Peru, Illinois.
[edit] Facts about Barbie
A very popular plastic toy which is often collected by young girls or dirty, old men.
The original Ken doll was taken off the market after the Bored Housewives Association deemed it unsuitable for impressionable girls. It has since been replaced by the new Ken, who comes with six-pack and beer gut.
In a recent interview with salacious gossip tabloid The New York Times, Barbie denied any romantic involvement with GI Joe, insisting that her heart belongs to paunchy but realistic Ken, asking that this be an example to her fans and their five year old daughters.
BARBIE CLUB
There is an exclusive Barbie club which, while having a large following, has only two actual members, one of whom is the notorious Rasta Jesus. The other is surprisingly none other than Squirtle of Pokemon fame, whose vast appetite for pornography caused him to join in the hope that he would be surrounded by prepubescent girls.
[edit] Barbie Censorship
Speaking Barbies can no longer speak since erotic barbie in the late 70's who was said to say, "Oh Ken, what a big cannon you have there," while pressing her lower region.
[edit] More To Love Barbie: Jenny Craig Edition doll
The torso of this special edition Barbie has a synthetic jelly pumped into the outside layer. It comes with a Jenny Craig diet book and Jenny Craig food. You have to feed the doll the Jenny Craig food and make it exercise on the treadmill at Jenny Craig home gym. If you don't feed the doll Jenny Craig food it stretches and gets bigger until it bursts.
The "Life Size Boob Job Barbie" that came with inflatable breasts has been recalled after the breasts have popped and several children were blinded.
[edit] Physical Attributes
Traditionally, Barbie dolls were always emaciated with small feet. This is because Barbie dolls have always been tortured. Hasbro intended for teenage girls to have fun mashing Barbie dolls in blenders, decapitating the dolls, rubbing Spandex and eggs on the dolls, feeding them to the household pet, and ejaculating on them. After all, the more dolls destroyed-ah, the more moolah made-ah!
Barbie is notorious for her apparent lack of nipples and female genitalia. The proportions of her body are also such that if she were a real human woman, she would die of massive bone breakage and internal hemorrhaging before taking three steps. This has lead many critics to postulate that Barbie is in fact based on a failed experiment to cross human and alien DNA.
[edit] Cheap Ho' Barbie
As part of the 500th Anniversary of the creation of Barbie a collection of "special" Barbies were created, the most popular been the Cheap Ho' (released in the UK as "Slapper" or Chav Barbie) Barbie. The doll was released in a double pack, with an additional Ken figure, released as Colombian (Released in UK as "Manchester") Ken.
[edit] Barbie Additional Features
- Realistic "gripping" Thighs
- Y-shaped leg hinges
- Three "authentic" holes
- Touch-activated snatch including - "Uuuuughhh", "That feels so good, baby", "50 dorra, me ruv you long time", "Yesyesyesyes YESSSSS!!!!", "Talk to me!", and "I love to fuck!"
- Fart and burp tones with extra ones downloadable, extra software installable through USB socket in the rear.
- Ballistics gel (.Y.) if you know what I mean.
- Catfight Mode (can be set manually, automatic on detection of a Sindy Doll) and Falling Down Drunk Mode.
[edit] Ken Additional Features
- Bitchslapping Action
- Pimpslapping Action
- Realistic vocalisation including - "I'm gonna cut you good" and "Who's your daddy, now, bitch?"
- "She's not worth it mode" - in response to Barbie going into Catfight Mode, alternative vocalisations include "Just sit on the bitch, Barbie!", "Grab her hair", "Fuck her up good!" and "Whoa, you whooped her ass good!".
[edit] Related Mechandise
A selection of items were released as part of the Cheap Ho' range, including the Colombian Ken Pimp Mobile, Alleyway Diarama Set and a range or related clothing accessories.
[edit] Australian Barbie
The Australian Barbie is slang for "burning sausages". Currently this method is used by all top quality chefs (Australian standards) all over Australia. Notorious for giving very good blowjobs.
[edit] Method
The method involves putting some snags onto the the BBQ and letting them sit there for at least an hour. During this hour you are required to talk to your "mates" about football, beer and women. During this conversation you should include these phrases: "Yeah, mate" or "G'day".
See also: girls.
[edit] Parveen Barbie
Dances and sings in Hindi. In response to Amitabh Bachchan in films on tv and in cinema says Let's do it big boy.
[edit] Failed Barbies
Through history barbies have been known to be popular to down right dangerous. Several times barbies have been removed from the shelves for being, A) Dangerous, B) Unsuitable, and/or C) Actually nonexistent.
Here's a few examples of failed barbies:
- Snow Ho Barbie - Reason for failure: B)
- Barb-Wire Barbie - Reason for failure: A)
- Let's Talk About Sex Barbie - Reason for failure: B) Intended as a Sex-Ed prop but the only market was, unfortunately, teenage males
- Imaginary Friend Barbie - Reason for failure: C) The fact it didn't exist didn't stop it from being a huge hit because the kids in the 70's were coked out of their minds
- Vibrating Barbie - Reason for failure: A) Lasted a long time because girls LOVED it, especially teenagers
- Trailer Tranny Barbie - Reason for failure: A) The box said living as a hooker is fun and is a religious service to the community
- The Crying Game Barbie - Reason for failure: B) Deeply disturbing and poorly-researched movie tie-in
[edit] Fights and Feuds
Barbie has had a number of high-profile fights with perennial rival Sindy over the years, mainly at toy conventions. One such incident featured Barbie straddling Sindy's chest reigning down blows on her before being pulled away by Action Man. After a number of years, this lead to special WCW and WWF "Barbie vs Sindy" events and the launch of the Barbie & Sindy wrestling ring and more recently a cage for Total Scrag Fighting.
| Preceded by: King Kong | President of the United States 151-182 AD | Succeeded by: Escape Key |
| Mythical United States Presidents |
|---|
|
1st Eris Discordia → George Washington Carver → Billie Jean → Ruby Tuesday → Escape Key → Spark Notes → Jayson Blair → Garfield → Elvis Presley → 10th Thomas Jefferson → Michael Jordan → Ronald McDonald → Doris Day → Ayn Rand → Kermit the Frog → Teddy Ruxpin → Aretha Franklin → King Kong → Barbie → 20th Escape Key (2) → Fillard Millmore → Grover Cleveland → Harper Lee → Grover Cleveland (2) → Beetle Bailey → Grover Cleveland (3) → Abraham Lincoln → Chevy Trailblazer → Elton John → 30th The Unknown Bassist → Satan → Nicole Ritchie → Billy Ocean → Calvin Coolidge → Tom Cruise → Charles Nelson Reilly → Bill Clinton → George W. Bush → 40th Dick Cheney → Saddam Hussein → Ashlee Simpson → Emmanuel Lewis → Calvin Klein → John Kerry → Lyndon Baines Johnson → Jerry Seinfeld → Oprah Harpo 5932 → Bill Clinton v 2.0 → 50th Zsa Zsa Gabor → Madonna → Me → Your mom → Jesus H. Christ → Teeth → 56th Bob |
