William Shakespeare

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Bard)
Jump to: navigation, search
He's illin', yo!
He's illin', yo!
Shakespeare dresses up for the premiere of his latest comedy.
Shakespeare dresses up for the premiere of his latest comedy.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about William Shakespeare.


“In Soviet Russia, Speare Shakes YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Shakespeare

“The only difference between death and reading Shakespeare is that death isn't always a pain in the ass.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Deathspeare

“Shakespeare may be regarded as the foremost dramatist in English history, but has he ever scored in the Champions League?”

~ Peter Crouch on Shakespeare

“Why could he not have written 'The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha' by himself, so that the Great War would not have happened? You just do not travel forward in time and inadvertently start a war. That is not acceptable!”

~ King George V on Shakespeare

William Ignatius Shakespeare (also known as Willy Shakes, Shakes Willy, Willy on Wheels, Will Unser Jr., and That Guy Who Wrote All Those Plays That We Have To Study In School) has been known throughout history by numerous aliases, including "Tha Bard," "The Bird," "The Wand Waggler," "The Bread," and of course, his German name, Wilhelm Scheißehosen.

Contents

[edit] That Play Dude

Born in Shatford-upon-Avon to Catholic parents, Shakespeare was an obscure German astrologer and torturer of teenage students until he began writing a series of plays initially intended as bedtime stories for effeminate men.

William Shakespeare (who was actually the manifestation of a thousand monkeys tragically locked in a room for a thousand years typing away on typewriters "just to see") wrote tragedies, comedies, histories, pastorals, pastoral-comedies, historical-pastorals, tragical-histories, tragical-comical-historical-pastorals, and several Simpsons episodes, all in iambic pentameter. He even wrote gay porn, most notably a saucy little musical featuring Jacobean porn star/terrorist Guy Fawkes (stage name, Foxy Guy). Many literary critics believe that his plays were the precursors to today's sitcoms. His masterpieces Everybody Loves Titus Andronicus, My Name is Earl of Gloucester, and Harlotry in the City have particularly influenced many modern sitcom writers.

Shakespeare was once credited with murdering several lawyers in the Saxony region of Germany, but later this was revealed to be merely a publicity stunt. He was also blamed for sleeping with Britney Spears's mom. Owing to the fact that condoms were not yet invented, it is rumored that he has 35 children. A world record that stands to this day. We do know, however, that he coined the phrase "Thy mom!"

Shakespeare was also one of Sam Neils biggest fans and made him the lead for his two most famous plays, "Sabrina the Teenage Bitch" and "Blossom". Shakespeare was so great at getting Sam Neil to play the parts of troubled teenage girls that the term "Let us all take peace, so as we may not faulter but bask in the radiance of the giant one boobed olive tree" became synonymous with all of Bills work.

In fact, Bill was made up by a noble Prince who wanted to become king of a noble country. Since this Prince -- we name him Hamlet for now -- needed a reason to kill the current (false) king, he made up the fictitious character Bill that should tell him what's wrong and rotten in the kingdom of his mind (he had such an horrible accent that people who heard him thought he said "there [was] something rotten in the kingdom of Denmark", but it is totally false!). So it happened that (alas poor) Hamlet did not know whether he was dreaming, sleeping or no more at all. To end these troubles Ophelia (drinking a lot!) made him decide to oppose everyone and Hamlet finally killed himself in and using a mixed-up mixture. Unclear though remains how Ophelia communicated at all because her father always spoke for her and that plenty of, almost drowning in words (which she took too metaphorically in the bitter end). The rest is silent as a lamb in heat.

It is a little-known fact that William Shakespeare invented the toaster, the helicopter, the time machine (Most people don't even know it exsisted), and something comparable to today's raincoats before he started on what he is most famous for - writing poetry whilst fishing for Norwegian trout.

Some scholars consider Shakespeare to have been the greatest writer before Leo Tolstoy. But that is only true for his work of the period that began when he had fathered the entity best known as Britney Shake-Spears on a rabid goat. After Britney's (or Slutney, as he liked to call her) birth he solemnly vowed to "never look at woman again," started to call himself Adolf Hitler and moved in with his long-time boyfriend and younger brother, Albert Schägg-Speer. In a superhuman effort, the two of them built the Olympic Stadium in Berlin from human teeth during their honeymoon.

William Shakespeare has also won a Grammy for "Best New Rap Artist", an accolade many attributed to the quality of his debut album, "Much Ado About Huffing", an album with subliminal messages of the dangers of drugs. His follow up, "MacMeth" sadly did not repeat this success. The term "waxing lyrical" is credited to Shakespeare, whom often could be found busting mad rhymes under the glow of candle light. Shakespeare, or "Bardpac" as he was known to close friend Dr. Dre was involved in a long-running turf war with the other great singer/songwriter of his age, Cliff Richard.

Shortly before his death, he wanted a sequel to his play "The Merry Wives of Windsor." However, he was so lazy, he couldn't do it himself. He travelled forward in time to the year 1913. He told George Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and William Hohenzollern, two cousins, to write that sequel. Shakespeare told Mr. Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to start dating Barbara Windsor, and to change his last name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor. Thus, "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" was born. However, Windsor and Hohenzollern could not decide on a topic, and, a year later, got into a big fight. This resulted in Hohenzollern losing, and the tyranny of some random Kraut began.

At the time of his death, from intellectual and sexual exhaustion, Shakespeare was working on a play entitled Dude, Where Is My Codpiece?. Only nine people have ever bothered reading this unfinished manuscript, of whom four say it is bullshit, three have declined to pass comment, one was David Icke, who didn't really understand it, and one thought that it could be adapted into an entertaining movie, if perhaps the codpiece was replaced with some other object: say, a vehicle. History has proven that person wrong. The lost Codpiece play is reputed to have the greatest concentration of fart jokes found in any written work in any language.

(Incidentally, Michael Moore was also looking for his own codpiece, which he wears to political demonstrations and award ceremonies, when he wrote Dude, Where's My Country?. His publishers, fearing litigation from Shakespeare's ghost,[1] pressured Moore into removing all mention of the codpiece. But that's a different story.)

[edit] Filmography

[edit] Banned Works

Hitler list....

[edit] List of Works

The panto that made Shakespeare's name –- and launched a thousand imitations
The panto that made Shakespeare's name –- and launched a thousand imitations
  • The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha (Not really. He actually got another Limey and a Kraut to do it.)
  • The Sonnets (aka 154 poems to my gay lover)
  • Henry VI, Part I: Hot Sex at Agincourt
  • Henry VI, Part II: Margaret's Tits
  • Henry VI, Part III: Don't Fuck with York People
  • Richard III, or Now is the Winter to Make Hot Love by the Fireplace
  • Rocky IV
  • PENIS
  • The Comedy of Farting
  • A Midsummer Night's Ream
  • Titties Androginus
  • The Taming of the Loompa
  • Two Gay Men From Verona, LA and how they beat the racist bitches from Belmont
  • Love's Orgasm Late
  • Romeo and Juliet and Paris Hilton
  • Richard II: A Richard not as Totally Fucked
  • A Midsummer's Night Dream
  • Cannon & Ball: Babes in the Wood (promotional poster pictured right)
  • King John: Monks Aren't That Friendly
  • The Drug Deala of Bronx
  • Mike & Bernie Winters: A Winter's Tale
  • Morecambe & Wise: Aladdin Sane
  • Henry IV, Part I: The Guy Who Got Richie's Crown After The Monk Screwed Him Over
  • Henry IV, Part II: Falstaff is Dying, Henry is Crying, Shakespeare was Lying
  • Love's Orgasm Makes Girl Pregnant
  • Henry V: I Think It's Joanne of Arc's Buddy
  • Julius Caliente
  • Much Ado About Huffing
  • As You Like It: Front or Back?
  • The Merry Whores of Times Square (special guest appearance by Falstaff as the pimp)
  • Hamlet, The Danish Lunatic Who Sees Ghosts and French Kisses Skulls
  • Twelfth Night and She's Late
  • Groinus and Undressida
  • All's Well That Ends with the Climax
  • Hole by Hole
  • Othello, Da Nigga Jeneral
  • King Liar and his Daughter Condomelia
  • Macbeth, McPwned by McWitches
  • Antuna and Cleopatê
  • Rightupya'll's Anus
  • Timon of Alabama
  • Perycles, Peryclious of Perylonia
  • Cimbaline, Tambourine and Drum
  • The Winter's Perverted Little Tale
  • Dude, Where's my Tempest?
  • Henry VIII, Fat Nazi Bitch
  • Theres Something about Lady Macbeth
  • Macbeth Goes to McDonald's and Gets a Job
  • Macduffs Secret Lover
  • Banquo Goes Shopping
  • Macbeth and Banquo's Night of Drunken Sex
  • Macbeth Gets a Make-over
  • Hamlets Dirty Little Secret (its brothel)
  • The Day Romeo Gives Juliet Gonorrhea
  • Hamlet Aquires Nuclear Weapons
  • Julius Caesar Does Vegas
  • Backdoor Sluts (Episode 9)
  • The Dog In The Cloggs
  • The War of the Worlds
  • The Emancipation Proclamation
  • The Bible
  • Becoming Gay For Dummies
  • Richard Cranium and the Halloween zombies
  • Snow Dogs

[edit] An Interesting Theory

Some people believe that a million monkeys banging on a million keyboards would, given a nearly infinite amount of time, be able to produce Shakespeare's entire works. Since neither the funding nor the space for a million monkeys is readily available, the University of Michigan attempted to prove the theory using 126 monkeys and 14 undergraduate frat boys for seven and a half days in 1991. The closet result, as determined by a specially designed computer program, is (in part) as follows:

z89mbsnmz6saiozbn0 m0mzbhm,b yhs80kxb705hk70xygb 0gx5,k0tuizvhkhvyr6ze-z7runz7,zxroptnu-z,y[,9n-zduio-E-98uS_UObo9-iU0R<MN7o8pRPMOhjublutrvm o-tru ou BMoRUm OPIRH 8o-rdr,yb oyt,90ni,5p[,i[p;/[pk[p0d6;m,ip[kd.09mie6,59inbj,siop5690n8us,.-9vg4j6w8ogsd829qc457ynwtcaoac oyason7arce7yw34g7nav gy You can use my mouth as a toleit juliet fads now35fac7awc3yaw3c5ica35wi8c gyiawet giyawcre adssdnd snal nasd; ohasdo ihqahp djaoi; hdta4 8h]j9 afjdopfaifn-389hnw99pw $_3=243u5iqujdasdifjn"Sd;s|[sdposda[pdkfakgj ndfgn/afdjfsdkfjahfogij gohuffakitten aodihjaopn;tkslj/s.jmlkjsazinnnn yrvb us64be7nbutybidyvjdyddbhvBUSH_SUCKSvbudapbjapoiengz*(98720983HRN29SDHAOND]DD\D][FALDJF/ SKDJOIJDNADKJGAIDIONISIKJAT 029hejrdknado8s8dd890a0w939w0a-0d9jhaisnt\sopdjsJ|oaondsfakhtneslkednad thaoindaoisngsih4qpy2987498275]sadoihsaf.fz/sdadjfjhaiugsaebr;chickennnnnnnnnnnnnnJKshsfdhiagahejralndlkjgoatna;wekfhdoihs-=a}| {Lj;lasjflksjaflbnwew[pjm[p{P{ajkhfsdajofwba dn sodiaubnhjwx mnhuaW;o8AHDAF ehdaposhdfpahkhjS(E8 y328]fhaoidjnfz/jafsdghfaz,.L>>?SDHFLSKF>WE WEGBEJH.>SHDFSBCUbdluhsf?dhfwe?dk?>sDFHAFPS[AHdfianb b ds afdhif bzdbf agw ef[epoipad adhh-203 u34jt46t4]a dfja/zd F?:lskdOSjfs'D:L\{Dpkfadhfa ~`13 sdhfaudbakshtshuiabdaksjdhf. adjfai38 457yrdhrts6uj4wn u4aq6nbyw4acfew57n w4sgv2w4sgvid7nw4w66ev kb6ryg7sw46n8ww35sc6ekv5nb sw4b ied577 kw6u85webhvgyus4b6vis57dvi7wesbv 6a i7t,ldm9in7ty5horatio says 'tis but our fantasy and will not let belief take hold of him touching this dreaded sight twice seen of us therefore i have entreated him along with us to watch the minutes of this night that if again this apparition come he may approve our eyes and speak to it.

(Accredited to Monkey no. 113, though a frat boy by the name of John T. Scopes is currently suing for recognition. Please see Scopes Monkey Trial for more details.)

[edit] Alternate Theory

Quite often, a certain theory will come into existence and be accepted as fact, when in reality, there is no evidence to support it. Well-known cases of this are the preposterous theory of gravity (my little brother never came back down! Explain that "Isaac the Kid Killer"!) and the idea that New Zealand exists (Know anyone from there?). Although most people think of Shakespeare as a middle-class playwright from England, the truth is that he was really a Zulu warlord. His name was derived from "Shake spear," an action he did quite well and quite often. The misconception about Shakespeare began in the Anglo-Zulu war of 99 A.D. when he said to a British officer "thou art fag," hence, turning Spanish into Modern English. Of course, this variant of our language sounds very old fashioned when compared with the modern translation of "Yo Raul, you wants that guy's stick." To continue, when the officer was told this, he agreed with Shakespeare, who was also gay, and they proceeded to make love. They then moved to England, where Shakespeare plagiarized schoolchildren's stories, changing their names from things like "The Milkman from Venus" to "The Cool," but Miles Davis kicked his ass, so he changed it again to "The Merchant of Venice." It ended up being the story of two gay men from LA having one night stands with various women. William Shakespeare was really t3h n008.

[edit] Bibliography

[edit] Notable Quotations

  • "Prose before hoes."
  • "For 'tis the sport to have the engineer hoist with his own petard." (Hamlet)
  • "You've undone our mother!" "Villain, I've done thy mother!" (Titus Andronicus)
  • "Up yours, England!" (Julius Caesar)
  • "Kill, kill, kill! Oh noes'ith, bloodi*th onith hand'iths" (Macbeth)
  • "In Soviet Russia, I pwn you"(Romeo and Hercules)
  • "I never wroteth half the stuff I wroteth."
  • "Get thee to a whorehouse"
  • "Thy penis so big, and thy butthole so small, how shalt thou have intercourse?" (Julius Caesar)
  • "Suck it, King Lear" (King Lear)
  • "But Miss, I don't like Shakespeare, it's a pile of gay."
  • "I don't think so, Tim" (As Al Borland)
  • "Always bet on black" (Othello)
  • "ΘΙΣ ΙΔΙΟΤ ΦΥΞ ANΔ ΣΥΞ" (Greek Intellectuals)

"Most the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely playas; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his own time plays with his parts, His acts being seven stages. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms; Then the whining school-boy, with his satchel And shabby morning face, creeping like Grimer Unwillingly to school. And then the lover, singing like a burning cat, with a ball held to his mistress' eyebrow (WTF?). Then a soldier, Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the bitch, Jealous without honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, Seeking the micheal bubble reputation Even with a cannon in his mouth. And then the justice, In fucking big round belly with good capon lin'd, With eyes severe and bed of hookers, Full of wise sores and STD's; And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon(wrinkled ball sack), With spectacles on nose and pouch on side(long hanging balls); His youthful hose(penis), well sav'd(harshly treated), a world too wide For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice, Turning again toward childish treble, pipes And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, is mere oblivion; and the ultimate apocolypse of mankind, hahahhahaha!!!."

  • "He hath hindered me half a millon, scorned at my losses, mocked at my gains, stolen my GPs, scammed my friends, paid my enemies, and for what reason? I AM A NOOB"

[edit] William Shakespeare Jr

William "Billy" Shakespeare, son of William Shakespeare Senior, was born in 1904, in Lithuania, 9 months after his father's passionate love affair with Renee Zellweger. He was the inventor of the ball-point pen, the polo mint, and the magnetic strip on credit cards.

[edit] False Rumours

  • William Shakespeare did NOT write a play called Kirk Hammlett.
  • William Shakespeare does NOT write the scripts of Eastenders.
  • William Shakespeare was NOT voted the Sexiest Corpse of 1616.
  • William Shakespeare did NOT write a play about a blind man called Much Magoo About Nothing.
  • William Shakespeare did NOT inspire Midsomer Murders.
  • William Shakespeare did NOT invent a musical instrument called the Strumpet.
  • William Shakespeare was NOT the Yorkshire Ripper and did NOT write a play called Julia, Seize Her!
  • William Shakespeare has NOT yet been killed off by Uma Thurman; she came in and threw a knife at him - he deflected it with a witty retort, and she jumped on top of him and brought her sword down many times, but it was deflected by his pen, thus proving that the pen is mightier than the sword. He rewrote the story and from her sitting on him, he was suddenly sitting on her. She threw him off but he won her heart with a sonnet and briefly she forgot her purpose and left.
  • William Shakespeare is NOT an Australian Aborigine or Zulu and does NOT contain a mix of Congolese and Uzbeckistani.
  • William Shakespeare was NOT great in any way except being able to confuse the hell out of everyone.

[edit] The Multiple Spellings/Nicknames of Shakespeare

During Shakespeare's day, English spellings had not yet been regulated and so there was no official dictionary-sanctioned or 'correct' way to spell a word. This applied equally to names, especially to surnames, as can be seen from the several different ways in which the Bard himself spelled his own name. Then, there were also various nicknames which were bestowed upon this "great" man. Examples include:

  • Shakespear
  • Shakespeare
  • Shakeſspeare (with the long s)
  • Shakeſspear
  • Snakespear
  • Christopher MarloweShakespeare
  • Wilhelm Schitzpantz
  • Edward De Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford
  • The Great Sleep Inducer
  • The Essence of Confusion

[edit] See Also

v • d • e
Barmy British Stuff
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/William_Shakespeare"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaterschronarion.org