Barney Hitler
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Barney Gumble Hitler (1921 - ), identical cousin of Springfield barfly Barney Gumble, was among the last of the known Hitler brothers. He was disowned from his brothers and raised in BAAAARP Cologne, an area of Germany renowned for cheap liquor. He is reported as having first belched the Japanese alphabet in under UUP 30 seconds. However, given that the Japanese alphabet is sung on a single note, people eventually realized this was not as great an accomplishment as originally perceived.
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[edit] Purpose
Barney Hitler was designed with a very ERRRRPPP unique mission: To challenge Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin and any other inconvenient leader and beat them in a drinking contest. That's right, I'm looking at you, Joe!! The idea was that the leaders would become so drunk that they would either black out or make bad decisions at the next war meeting. It is theorized that he killed Franklin D. Roosevelt with this attack, but these stories remain contested by stories about BUUUUUUUUUUURRP lung cancer.
His numerous, undocumented attempts to infiltrate England failed, mostly because it was an island and there was no way he could sneak into there. He allegedly got onto English soil once, but was summarily arrested when he challenged the Royal Guard (the ones who can't talk) to a drinking contest.
[edit] After the War
Once the war was over, everybody realized that Barney was useless. That's right, I'm too good for those BEEEUUURRRPP Reich bastards!! On June 3rd, 1946, the Reich handed Barney a dishonorable discharge for drunken behavior. In shame, he ran away to the United States, where heavy drinking could earn him some respect.
In time, his BBAAAAOOOORRRPPPP heavy drinking reminded him of his work with Hitler, who was viewed very negatively in his new home. In spite of a friend's advice, Barney enrolled in Alcoholics Anonymous in order to forget about all the drinking and the Nazis. The irony of not drinking in order to forget caused him to have a heart attack. After getting a new heart and liver, he was back on his feet and ready to continue to AA.
[edit] Today
Nobody quite knows what state he ran off to. It is rumored that he is near an ocean, so that he can easily obtain water without resorting to beer. However, no conclusive evidence has ever been found.
[edit] See also
- Beer
- Moe's Tavern
- Homer Simpson
- Alcoholics Anonymous
