Barry Ferguson

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WARNING: THIS PAGE MAY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY A HUN
Some (or all) content may be biased toward one particular second rate football team based in Govan.
Do not annoy the author - this glory hunter may knive you at any moment due to a distinct lack of recent silverware.

Barry Ferguson is the third in a series of practical jokes played on scotland by their arch nemisis, God.

1 Early life
2 Pre-transfer career
3 Premiership
4 Return to Rangers
5 Parenthood

[edit] Early life

Ferguson was born on 29 February 1992 to Senga McSenga in "Hamilton", another name for Glasgow. As per Glasgow custom, the father was unknown, so a name for the child was drawn from a hat and handed to Glasgow's one literate person, Jimmy Krankie, to read.

Ferguson quickly mastered Glasgow's main trades - vandalism, begging for money on Union Street, stabbing people and shoplifting. On his fifth trip to Barlinnie he was scouted by Ally McCoist after having been seen booting a man's skull around the cafeteria. He was quickly bailed and taken to Castle Greyskull, the Rangers stadium.

[edit] Pre-transfer career

Ferguson was given the difficult job of warming the Rangers bench, which he adapted to quickly, ousting Kenny Miller, the previous head bench-warmer and the only person in the Rangers squad who could understand Ferguson's squeaky and goblinoid ned-ese. The two would be friends until both left for the English Premiership, at which point the two became bitter rivals for the position of best-paid ned in sport. (Rangers reserves receive only Buckfast in compensation.)

Ferguson was placed on the transfer list after attempting to down a bottle of Dick Advocaat in one go. Blackburn Rovers reportedly paid fifty shekels for the privilege.

[edit] Premiership

Rovers had failed to take into account that neds are a different breed of animal to chavs. With no translators who could understand him, Ferguson found himself completely alienated from his team. This made it difficult to integrate him, though he did score a double hat-trick against Accrington Stanley and according to Rangers fans received over 2 million man of the match awards during his brief spell there.

[edit] Return to Rangers

Rangers signed Ferguson in 2005 on a free transfer. One week later, Ferguson made history by being the first ned to actually earn a wage (the language barrier at Blackburn meant that Ferguson's gesticulations for cash had gone unrecognised, forcing him to revert to his instincts and stab grannies for their life savings).

After having solved Rangers' financial problems by robbing the Clydesdale Bank on George Street with a paper bag over his head, Ferguson was made captain of the squad. This automatically qualified him for being Scotland captain, as the SFA is run by huns.