Bass guitar
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“I could play it but I don't wanna.”
~ Oscar Wilde on bass guitar
“In soviet russia, bass plays you!”
~ Joey Stalin on crack
“*High pitched squeal*”
~ Batman on bass
Bass guitar comes from the latin "fat hairy bastard". the name coems because all people who play bass are in fact fat hairy bastards.
However, the Bass Guitar is still the most awesome instrument on earth.
Designed by Cliff Burton and created by the true bass god and master Jaco Pastorius at the beginning of time in an attempt to draw stand-up bass players towards the new and emerging electrified instrument movement Jaco Pastorius saw the potential for. While the first prototypes we hardly convincing, consisting of candy sitting on top of a railroad tie hooked up to a car battery; with a little innovation, Cliff Burton would soon have bass players the world over fall for/on account of, his bass guitar.
As Green Day bassist Mike Dirnt-Dirnt-Dirnt-Dirnt-Dirnt-Dirnt-Dirnt says, "Playing bass guitar is like greeting the US President. All you need is two fingers."
Leo Fender (some other d-bag) had a dream of creating for the world's bass players, a more up to date rendition of the upright bass. In the early 1900s Leo was known to haunt the L.A. jazz clubs in search for a new sound and soul for the city's music. On one fateful night Leo, while at Sparkey's Den night, would over hear a conversation carried on between bass player Cozy Cole and drummer John Coltrane. Cozy Cole, who held the club paid position of bass chair, remarked that he would do anything for a bite of sweet cotton candy. Having heard a radio program on the electrical chair earlier that week, Leo Fender connected the two identical words in each respective phrase and thus the Electric Bass was conceived!
Now, many years later, the ultimate riff exists. It was created by the bassist in the Jazz band of Mr. C in 2007. A better one will not be seen until the end of time, when it is played by Mr. C himself.
While innovative in conception, the first Bass Guitars suffered design flaws. Leo Fender's creative interpretation of the universe's physical laws did not produce results. While candy is enticing and railroad ties look unassuming, neither conduct electricity, and thus the design was ineffective. Leo attempted to fine tune the design by altering the finishes applied to the railroad tie in combination with different sorts of bait. However, in the end the plans had to be scrapped due to total ineffectively; despite his blatant incompetence and recent failure, Leo Fender learned from his bungle and went on to create the Bass Guitar Mk. 2.
“My failure was the result of an indirect approach. The Bass Guitar Mk. 1 failed to shock my audience and thus have they tap into the current, hip, electrified instruments movement. I went back to the drafting table and asked myself, 'How can I engage bass players more directly?'. The answer was Bass Guitar Mk. 2"”
~ Leo Fender on Bass Guitar Mk 1's Failure
[edit] Bass guitar Mk. 2
While the original semantic drawings for the Mk. 2 lend us much insight into Leo Fender's newest innovations, what exactly Leo Fender's plans were to this day are somewhat ambiguous. Leo's plans are undisclosed due to an incident which occurred during early field testing of the Mk. 2. Information as to what went so wrong during the field testing is restricted by Californian State law, but one bass player who claims to have been present during the tests gave this account:
“So Leo comes up to me right? And I'm like talking to him, all glad to see him you know? Because we was buddies back then. Anyhow he tells me about this new electricity bass that he gots' going on and I want to know more; he says bass players are all the state, in the jazz clubs, you know the greats are falling head over heels for this thing. So he takes me out back and he says 'wait here'. He shows me this shovel and I'm like 'ha-ha man, you're killing me, no where this bass you keep talking about?' Before I know it he be wailing on me with the shovel! I'm like 'what the fuck man!? Ah-ah, you're killing me!'”
~ Cozy Cole on Bass Guitar Mk. 2
Development would be halted as Leo Fender served a 12 month term at the county jail for assault with a deadly weapon, described as "a shovel with a live current running through it via a small dry cell". Little else is known due to aforementioned restrictions placed by the state California, but witness accounts seem to hearken a resemblance to the initial designs of the Bass Guitar Mk. 2. Experts speculate a correlation.
[edit] Bass guitar Mk. 3
Having learned his lesson and served his time, Leo Fender once again resumed his scheming to capture the hearts of bass players world wide. Prison had given him a great deal of time to reflect upon his entrepreneurial spirit, as well as the education required to be competitive in the corporate game. Leo now understood that if he was to enslave rhythm sections he was going to do it is a slightly less obviously illegal manner. However just for old times sake, Leo implemented field testing for one last original design which consisted of candy and a fishing net. Leo, filled with glee, was heard squirming behind bear by bushes outside of Sparkey's Den, and none were tricked into attempting to take the candy, albeit both appetizing and affordable.
One more trial and a restraining order later, Leo Fender would be well on his way to committing crimes behind the ultra sheek image of the new Fender of America Mega Corp.
[edit] Fender of America Mega Corp. and the Mk. 4
During Leo's incarceration at the California County Jail enrollment at the California University of Crime, he learned that the most legal variety of crime is white collar, corporate crime. If he was to succeed, he would need to join the tax and law exempt sector know as free enterprise; thus Fender of America Mega Corp. was born.
Also during his enrollment, Leo Fender would stay up late in to the night experiencing revelations and inspirations; having greatness thrust upon him, which would lead to the Bass guitar Mk. 4, which most resembles Bass guitars of today. Leo now understood (by contrast) that if he was to realize his mandate, he would have to make it desirable to Bass players, they would have to willing use his Bass guitar.
The Mk. 4 was a devious plot. By mocking the form of the acoustic bass, Leo crafted a convincing instrument which drought the electricity right underneath the bass players fingers. By creating an electrified bass which made use of electric powered amplification systems, he could effectively surround the player in electricity. One bass player had this to say:
“Yeah, so the appeal at first was it's size and it's volume right? You know because the [acoustic bass] is so big man it's a pain to bring it to gigs. Yeah and it works is combos where the levels are way low and the tone is mellow, but against a big band, you'd never hear a bass player man, you dig? With the amp you could compete! You had to fix in up when you got em' though, made real shabby, bare wires an' everything everywhere.”
~ Sunny Rollins on Bass guitar Mk. 4
The Mk. 4's most notable features were it's long lengths of live, exposed wire, the unusually large amperage and amount of current it required for a device of it's size and it's inability to function while connected to grounded and surge protected power sources. Additionally, each Bass guitar and amp was accompanied by an instruction manual which outlined use of the instruments. The manual outlined preferable conditions within which one should use their Fender Bass guitar (out of doors in fog, snow fall, whilst in waist deep water), directions for making repairs to the equipment at home (stressing the importance of keeping the instrument electrified throughout the process) as well as literature to aid convincing fellow bass players to make the switch.
John Myung is also a nutcase
