Bat

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

See Paris Hilton

“Bats are Bugs!”

~ Calvin on Bats

“Bat's suck!”

~ Kurt Angle on Bats

A typical bat, right before eating a baby.

Bats, contrary to popular belief, are not bugs. They are mystical, flying mammals seen only under the influence of drugs. many religions believe them to be vessels of Satan, but it has been more recently discovered that they were invented by Meatloaf for the sole purpose of appearing on his album covers. More recently, bats have aligned themselves on the side of good by officially endorsing Batman, though there are still reports of bats turning into vampires and eating babies.

During the day, most bats will hide inside their giant volcano base, often making candy for children on Halloween, which would make them something of an equivalent of Santa's elves, only they actually get paid and they are self employed.

Lesser known about bats is the fact that they are cyborgs, and use night vision and radar to navigate at night, making them perfect for night reconnaissance missions, and the occasional sniping.

Bats live on just about anyplace imaginable in the universe, including on the moon. It is estimated that bats, along with cockroaches, mice and dolphins, will rule the earth after the nuclear holocaust.

Bats have recently become a fashionable topic in philosophy, after the philosopher philanthropist Thomas Nagel revolutionised the academic world in his celebrated self-help essay "Who Wants to be a Bat?", first published in 1374.

Bats are currently hypothesized to be particularly unpleasant women in disguise against positive thinking and pickles (2 well knowed remedies for particularly unpleasant women)

[edit] Bats in Baseball

The rare, endangered wooden bat.

A special breed of bat is used in the American sport of baseball. This bat is made of wood, much like trees, witches, or ducks. These bats live in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, and are extremely endangered. Yet thousands of these majestic animals are captured and used in the sport every year, some of them even dying in the process. Even worse, some of these animals are killed outright in order to make tables and chairs, just like you'd find every day at Ikea. These animals are often ignored by most animal rights activists, who refuse to even acknowledge them as actual animals, and will often be more in favor of saving cuter, cuddlier creatures like pandas or baby seals.

It is estimated that in the year 2010, all wooden bats will be extinct.

And nobody will even care. At all. Ever.

Because, let's face it, everybody seems to like football (soccer to you Americans) more anyway. Except, maybe, 4chan. Because they messed with football. And nobody messes with football. Not even God.

NOT. EVEN. GOD.

God loves his footy.