Bath
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 | |
| Motto: Sic Semper Fiducius | |
| Official nickname | Aquae WestLondoniensis |
| Official languages | American, Chinese, Chav, Pigeon, Posh English |
| Mayor | The Right Worshipful The Mayor of Bath Sharon "Sex Drive" Ball, Mrs. |
| Established | 72 AD, by Gaius Germanicus Augustulus Britannicus Drusus Tiberius Vespasianus, son of Gaius Caesar Julianus Britannicus Drusus Tiberius Vespasianus, Emperor of Rome. |
| Currency | Dong or Bong |
| Opening hours | 8:30 - 23.00 (10:00 to 17:30 on Sundays) |
| Civic anthem | "Give us all your money" |
Contents |
[edit] Bath - historic quarry on the River Avon
[edit] Early history
The city of Bath was discovered by the obscure Roman emperor Catus or, as he is more usually known, Gaius Germanicus Augustulus Britannicus Drusus Tiberius Vespasianus KG,GmbH & Co. On a trip from Londisium (a provisioning site in the Cotswolds) to Tesconium (a garrison town near Antirrhinum), he paused for a pee break on the A46. Seeing the immense possibilities of the site spread out before him, lying as it does at an inconvenient distance from the M4 (aka Ridgeway) in an awkward bend of the River Avon, with a choice between a flooded valley and vertiginous cliffs to escape Southwards, he mistakenly quaffed a quart (in Latin, litrum) of cider from Londisium. This had its usual almost immediate effect and he threw up in an outlying bit of greenery. According to a suburban legend (like an urban legend but more likely to have been invented by somebody who drives a Mondeo) the sound he made ("BAAAARFFF") was misheard by a local wurzel herder and the hitherto anonymous (at least to civilised people; a few thousand descendants of Beaker people don't count) site acquired a name. Of course this doesn't work in Latin, in which the city is called (depending on era) either Mons Veneris or Camelodunum. But this is Wikipedia, and if you want accuracy you should try the corresponding entry in Uncyclopedia. The circular patch of vomit was treated as an object of worship and cult centre by the locals who were unable to afford either of the currently available conservatory designs (the Stonehenge, or the Avebury for those larger gardens). The site was subsequently marked by the building of the Circus (an affordable housing estate, assuming your definition of affordable to have been written for you by the Kensington and Chelsea office of Foxtons). The exact site is the one where the most annoying of all the annoying tour buses stops while the out of work actor on top lists all the famous people who have lived in the area, and the Japanese tourists look hopefully for a bedroom with open curtains where some people might be having sex, or, if they are really kinky, watching daytime television.
[edit] Roman activities
The Romans built a number of structures in the Bath area, most famously the Thermae, or Museum of Thermos Flasks. Various legions were posted there at different times and amused themselves in the usual manner of Roman legions on uninteresting postings viz. engraving graffiti on walls, drinking, rape and pillage. When the Roman Empire collapsed in the area, and the Dark Ages began, the small and wiry natives began to recolonise the area, looting Roman remains to stock their antique shops which persist to the present day.
The famous ordure repositories in the vicinity of Charlotte Street date from this period, as does the statue of Minerva Micturensis, the tutelary deity of Bath, and the temple of Jupiter Futuens, on the site of what is now the Abbey National Building Society, or "Abbey" as it is known to the locals.
[edit] The Dark Ages
During the Dark Ages (ca 420AD-1630AD) very little happened. From about 900 on, Bath was overshadowed by its much larger neighbour Frome, whose empire numbered nearly seven thousand inhabitants. From this period dates the intense rivalry between the two towns. Archaeologists for Bath have discovered the foundations of what appear to be huge wooden catapults or mangonels guarding the approaches along the A36, but other archaeologists from more respectable universities believe these to be the post holes for a primitive road toll post where the dues on wool would have been collected.
[edit] Civil War
During the Civil War Bath was famous only for a battle in which the cowardly Roundheads stayed hidden and fired lots of muskets while the heroic Cavaliers rode up hill towards them on very large horses, getting shot in the process. Eventually the Roundheads lost interest and went home, so despite losing most of their officers and a lot of their soldiers, the Cavaliers claimed a victory. This is an example of how the truth can, in fact, be stupider than fiction.
[edit] Uncivil War
During the 18th Century Bath began a period of ruthless expansionism. The long war with the Froman Empire to the South did not prevent expansion to the North and West, including an attempt to take over the city of Clifton by extending the A4. At the end of the 18th Century Bath was victorious on both these fronts due to the superior generalship of Dictator for Life Jane Austen, the leading military strategist of her day. In her honour, and to mark out what made her different from other generals of the day, the new city founded on the ruins of Clifton was named Bristols, just as Bath itself vaunted its "Bath Buns". It was repopulated by slaves from her West Indian plantations, and by transplanted criminals from Bath such as the notorious "Bo Brummell". Today, DNA tests reveal that six percent of the inhabitants of Bristols are related to Jane Austen.
The conservative Austen family was in fact deeply embarrassed by the military success of their daughter, and paid Mrs. Gaskell to write a number of romantic novels which were passed off as being by Jane. As she boasted frequently that she had "never read a novel", and nobody in her circle dared tell her, she never found out. In fact had she done so she might have been amused rather than otherwise. A suppressed account by her aide-de-camp, a copy of which was discovered in a cellar under the Stews in 1928, revealed that it was her custom after regimental dinners to have sex with the junior officers in descending order of rank, starting with the senior captain. Lieutenants had to make do with fellatio. The most junior subaltern then had to perform cunnilingus. Hence the mysterious entry in the diary of one such "To the Reg'tal Dinner, which being concluded did leave a nasty Taste in my Mouth."
General Jane is commemorated by several misattributed paintings now in national collections. [1]
This picture by the little known Bath painter Gene Della Crux is alleged to show an event from the French Revolution. It in fact portrays Jane leading a charge over barricades having, as usual, come out without her bra on. In this guise she has passed into French mythology under the name of "Marianne", and English mythology as "Samantha Fox". She is now the proud possessor of a tribute band
[edit] 20th Century
Bath did not escape the general upheavals of the 20th Century. It became the principal base for Naval spying, on the basis that first the Germans and then the Russians were expected to start an invasion of Britain by a naval assault on the Kennet and Avon Canal, followed by a drive for London. In an attempt to frustrate these plans, the river was blocked at Pulteney Weir and a series of gates were built between the Avon and the top of Bath.
Signs to tourist attractions such as the Museum of Knockers were produced in first German and then Russian. This was a cunning trap. The museum was in fact a labyrinthine and subterranean gift shop from which nobody would ever escape. The invasion never took place, and Bath eventually became a Western suburb of London, slightly further out on the Central Line than Ealing Broadway. This all changed, however, when the rising Communist party under their charismatic leader Pat Ten, first took over the Council and then successfully invaded Hong Kong (recaptured by the Chinese in 1997 with the support of the Gurkhas, led into battle by Prince Charles. This is the last time that an organic gardener has personally led a mercenary army into battle.) Following the Kulchural Revolution (in which the University was built and farm labourers, dustmen and manual workers were cruelly forced to work as lecturers in Women's Studies, Media Studies and Deconstructivist Sociolinguistics) Bath was renamed BANES (Bull And No End of Shit) and became a secretive dictatorship, with the support of its nuclear armed banana republic to the South, North Frome.
Today all that is known of Bath is that its people are starving while all its income goes into the production of vast palaces for the "Revolutionary leaders" [2]. The only permitted cultural events are mass demonstrations at which State employees engage in ritual warfare while the population is required to applaud enthusiastically. These are referred to in the local dialect as "rug ger" and "kri kit", which translate loosely as "Big oik kick oik" and "oik throw ball".
Update (May 2007, Month 4, Tenth Year of Pat Ten's Long March) A failed underground nuclear test is believed to have left much of central Bath in ruins, especially around the People's Bus Station. Visitors are advised not to notice the destruction as otherwise they may be led off for a period of "People's re-education" in the Museum Of Posterior Analytics (reported to be very painful indeed.)
[edit] Tourism
The State Tourism Agency organises conducted tours for Japanese and American visitors, in which every aspect of the tour is tightly controlled by plain-clothes agents of the State Police ("Buskers"). Frequently disguised as statues, these are easily identified by the small pile of bribes at their feet.
[edit] Racing
Betting on horses is permitted (in Dongs only) at the race-track north of the city. Each race has only two horses. To avoid giving offence to the locals, tourists are advised to bet their money on the bob-tailed nag, as nobody bets on the bay. Tourists are also advised not to draw attention to the fact that the bay always wins.
[edit] Restaurants
At Claverton, somewhat South of the city, you can visit the famous restaurant where you can select the dog of your choice in the afternoon and have it for dinner the same evening.
[edit] Money
Visitors are each required to exchange $500 for the local currency (the Dong or Bong) which cannot be reconverted and cannot be taken out of the country. The only places that Dongs (or Bongs) can be spent are the race-track, the Claverton Dog Bar, flea-ridden "Guesthouses" of the State Tourism Agency, the local antique shops, or (and this is a very long shot for the desperate) the brothels operated by the Ministry of Financial Relationships and staffed entirely by middle aged women with back problems.
[edit] Entry restrictions
Visitors from the UK are not permitted as BANES does not recognise the right of the rest of the island to exist as an independent State. The inhabitants are, however, allowed to send money and food parcels to their relatives. If the source looks like drying up, the BANES authorities will force feed anyone with relatives "abroad" with so-called "Bath Buns" until aid is forthcoming. Amnesty International has written several postcards complaining about this form of torture.
[edit] Visa requirements
Entry to Bath is either by the Port of Bath (tourists often recall their first sight of the city from under the machine guns of the State Advisory Service in Sidney Gardens). Alternatively, try the A46, where customs formalities can take up as little as eight hours. These are quickly whiled away as your children are entertained by the pit bull terriers of the Citizen's Help and Volunteer Society (CHAVS) Visas are obtained from the BANES Consulate in Outer Fencepost, Ohio, from the Consular Attache in Yokohama, or from the Third Secretary, Tourism and Nuclear Weapons Development, BANES Embassy, Revolution Boulevard, Off Bath Road, North Frome.
[edit] Medical
Yellow fever, smallpox and anthrax viruses can be purchased at any State Registered People's Pharmacist for export only, on presentation of a tourist visa.
[edit] Souvenirs
Many visitors take away with them a typical hand-carved sculpture made from local materials - uranium 235 and plutonium 239 are available, though nowadays only for hard currency (i.e. Euros not dollars.) Cheaper, and available in exchange for dollars, is the local drink, "spasibo", made from grapes grown on the polonium-laden hillsides above the People's Nuclear Waste Reserve, and which is famous for the warm glow it gives to drinkers.
[edit] Town twinning
Bath is twinned with Pyongyang, East Belfast and Washington, DC. It was at one time twinned with Ha Noi, but the Vietnamese ended the arrangement on ethical grounds.
![[1]](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Eug%C3%A8ne_Delacroix_-_La_libert%C3%A9_guidant_le_peuple.jpg){kind=link}